Letter to My Bishop

There's recently been a bit of discussion in the moho blogosphere about the shame associated with pornography use. I wanted to include this letter to my bishop because it contains the clearest way that I can express how I feel about this topic. Also, I'm not trying to encourage harsh criticism toward leaders of the church, but I do feel that it is important for us to think critically about the kind of help we receive (or don't receive) from bishops and stake presidents who are just as human as everyone else. Since homosexuality is so misunderstood by the church, I hope this approach is helpful.

Dear Bishop,

I prefer to communicate with you this way rather than in person. I greatly lack in the ability to represent myself verbally, and every time I go to your office I leave very frustrated and feeling completely misunderstood, as if I’ve been attacked or interrogated. Your approach causes me to feel very inferior and defensive, and the added anxiety gets me worked up to the point where I lack clarity of thought or speech. I hope that this method will allow complete honesty and understanding to exist between us. In writing this I’ve tried to allow myself time to let go of much of the bitterness that I have towards you, however, I apologize if some of that still shows through. Please allow me first to make a few things very clear, after which I will provide you with some background that I hope will help you to understand my situation better. 

-          I do not view the use of pornography as acceptable behavior, especially for a man holding the priesthood of God.

-          When I explained some of my thoughts on masturbation you wrongly assumed that I felt the same way about pornography use. 

-          I do my best to sustain the leaders of the church and follow the counsel of the prophets. Admittedly, I have a few reservations which I am trying my best to resolve, but my behavior has shown that I do not intentionally defy their counsel. 

-          In no way do I try to convey myself as being guiltless or innocent, rather I see myself as an imperfect, struggling man doing my best to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

-          Yes, I am critical of church policies and practices. I think it is only natural to question that which is a large part of your life. However, in my questioning I’m doing my best to have patience with the church. I’m praying also for the faith and humility to understand the things about the church that leave me frustrated. I do not question the core doctrines of the church, just the manner in which those doctrines are applied. 

-          I am completely committed to my marriage and family.

I have struggled with addiction to pornography off and on ever since I was a teen.  I’ve known that I’m attracted to men since even before that. It was something that I thought would go away once I was married, but that has definitely not happened. Out of fear, I never told anyone about my homosexuality before I was married. Shortly afterward, I broke down and told my wife. This was an extremely challenging time for us. Thanks to the help of two wonderful bishops and an LDS family therapist, we made it through that first year of our marriage. I told them some of the very same things I told you. Although they didn’t understand, they did their best to help me feel loved. They offered me spiritual support. They gave me priesthood blessings. They met with my wife and I together. One bishop even called my wife and me as temple workers to give me the added spirituality I needed to fight the porn addiction. They tried to help me understand that it is not a sin to be attracted to men, but acting on that attraction is. At that time the sentiment of the church was that same-sex attraction is something akin to a disease (that has changed only very recently with the launch of the new church website, www.mormonsandgays.org) and so I treated it like a disease with the assumption that I would be cured through faithful living of the gospel. However, recently I have learned that my attraction to men is very much a part of who I am.  Just before I met you I came to accept the fact that I am a gay man and always will be.  These past few months have been by far the most difficult months both for me and my wife as we’ve grappled with this realization and what it means for our marriage.

As I began to learn more about homosexuality and the church’s teachings on the subject, I became very hurt with many of the things that the church has done and said about it. It shouldn’t be any surprise that because of the church’s attitude toward homosexuality, Utah has one of the highest gay suicide rates in the nation.  This and many other things rocked my faith and testimony. It was at this time of my lowest point of spirituality that I turned to you. I understood that I would need to face the consequences of my porn addiction, but I was so desperate for spiritual help that I was willing to go through that. I was expecting spiritual support and encouragement. I was expecting to be shown the love and hope that is part of the Atonement. I was expecting some guidance to my wife and I together that would help us to improve our marriage. I got none of that from you.

Instead, I’ve left our few meetings feeling more confused and frustrated than ever. I was drowning, and rather than being offered help out of the water I felt like I was being criticized for my poor swimming techniques. The issues with my marriage go much deeper than my porn addiction, and you chose to not only focus on that issue and ignore others, but to make it seem like more of a problem in my marriage than it is. Your actions toward me felt very punitive, with the objective of shaming me unto repentance. My wife also felt punished, as she was left to go alone to the temple dedication and to do temple work by herself. Not only that, but you denied both of us the opportunity of having a calling in the ward for several months without even asking us about it or telling us that you had advised the Relief Society presidency not to give her an assignment. This really hurt and embarrassed her, and just caused her to have more resentment toward me that made our marriage problems even worse. You threatened me by saying that my porn addiction would lead to divorce, even when I tried to explain to you that I was concerned about much more difficult issues than porn. Up to 85% of mixed-orientation marriages like mine end in divorce, even in the church. This is due to the emotional and physical dissonance and insecurity that exists when one spouse is gay, not just because of porn. These sort of problems contribute to my fear of infidelity that I expressed to you, which you totally misconstrued to say that I viewed porn as the acceptable lesser of two evils. 

I disagree entirely with how the church goes about the issue of pornography. I recently learned that Utah is the most porn-consuming state in the nation, and I am shocked and saddened (see the study here). The approach of the church creates a lure for boys as they have incessant warnings about pornography pounded down their throats from the time they are in primary. Not only that, but it creates a stigma that pits wives against their husbands and gives them justification to play up the victim role (that video you showed the ward a few months ago is a prime example of this). This worsens marital relationships, thus exacerbating the porn addiction. This only increases the intense shame and guilt that men already feel. This shame and guilt is fuel that feeds the fire of addiction, keeping the men of the church trapped in the cycle. Also, as with most addictions, the more reminders one has about it the more one is likely to succumb. Thankfully, you are not as absurd as another bishop I know of who insisted that the individual he was working with text him every evening to report on whether or not he had viewed pornography that day.

Your approach is focused on me having regular reminders of my addiction, and “punishments” that add to my shame. Shame and guilt is not a motivator for me. The hope and love offered by Christ’s Atonement is my motivation. The scriptures you assigned me to read are powerful, but they also reinforce the notion that I am to feel as guilty and horrible as possible in order to change, thus feeding the shame cycle. I do accept our prophets as divine witnesses of Christ who are inspired of God, but because they have been wrong in the past about homosexuality and other issues, I have a hard time trusting everything they say. When you asked me if I would do anything a prophet asked of me I told you no because I do not view everything that comes out of their mouth to be doctrine. Instead I take their counsel to God through prayer. President Hinckley’s counsel to pray to be released from the stain of pornography is excellent, but it is definitely coming from someone who has never been under the powerful grasp of porn addiction. Although nothing is impossible for God, I have come to learn that for me, I cannot “pray the gay away,” nor can I pray the porn addiction away as I have tried this many times. It is not something that can be overcome by fighting it head on. Instead, I view the addiction as a manifestation of unmet needs and imbalance in my life. Porn addiction is tied to my depression, my struggling spirituality, my insecurity and lack of fulfillment in my marriage, as well as the way I handle the great amount of stress that I am under as a father of two kids who works two jobs while going to school full time. I am fighting my addiction to porn by working to improve in these areas directly so that there can be a balance in my life. That is the approach I am using to work towards my goal to one day be completely free from porn addiction (for more in-depth explanation of this approach, check out this podcast). I was being completely honest with you when I said that my struggles with pornography have improved over the past month. I only wish you could have rejoiced with me over this improvement rather making me feel even more attacked.

I was very hurt when you immediately came to the conclusion that I was immoral and unfit to bless my newborn son. I take my role as a father very seriously, and I do not appreciate anything coming between me and my sons. I know I am worthy. My wife knows I am worthy. Yes, I struggle. Yes, I make mistakes that make me unclean. I am far from perfect. However, God does not expect me to ever become perfect until the next life. Until then, I have to keep working to be a better person and go from grace to grace, just as everyone else in the church does. The fact that you ignored the statement in the church handbook that one does not even need to be temple worthy to bless their own child leads me to think that you are using your position of power to make the blessing of my son as the “carrot before the horse” that will bring me unto repentance. Because I disagree with your methods so much, my child will not be blessed in this ward. If your opinion of me changes, I would like to bless my son in the ward that my father is a bishop over this Sunday, with your permission. If you stick to your judgments of me, we will postpone the blessing until we are members of another ward. We are doing this because we want the blessing of my son to be focused on the love that my wife and I have for him, and to be a demonstration of the gratitude that we have to God for bringing him into our home.  Since next Sunday is the first Sunday of the new year, we feel that it is an appropriate time for us to make ourselves members of another ward. I also expect that I will feel more comfortable attending church there so that I can get the spiritual nourishment that I need so much right now.

I’m sorry if this has come across as being harsh. I hope that one day I’ll be able to let go of my bitterness and we’ll be able to see this as a big misunderstanding. I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Derek

Holiday Musings

I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I love them because I get a much-needed break from school and work, and I hate them because I'm not busy working or going to class. It's strange. I'm quite a workaholic, and so going from working all day (and night) during finals and then having very little to do during the break causes me anxiety. But then again going to school causes tremendous anxiety as well. Meh, I guess I'm just always anxious. The hardest part was getting together with my side of the family. I have a large family, with many nieces and nephews, and I feel like I can only take them in small dosages. Whenever we get together, I probably seem like such a recluse. I play in the corner with my kid, sit on the other end of the room reading, or make the excuse that I need a nap. I guess I just don't fully connect or relate to my family. I feel so different from them. I always have. It seems like every time I see them for holidays my depression worsens and I leave wishing I had just stayed home. I wonder if any of my family has noticed or perhaps they just think that I'm always like that.

There have been some great aspects of this holiday break. For the first time ever I spent Christmas at my own home with my little family, and I liked it so much better than going to my parents or in-laws. It was peaceful, less chaotic, and I am able to be more in control of my environment. I also get to spend more time with my kids, which is awesome. My infant son is practically glued to my side all day and night, and he usually freaks when he's put down, but I don't mind having him as a little snuggle buddy. My other son is in an extremely cute phase right now. He says some of the funniest things and has the most hilarious antics. It's easy to miss all the little things in life like this when you feel burdened down with worry and depression, so I'm so grateful for the opportunity to take life a little slower and allow myself the chance to relish the tender moments.

The best part is that I've been able to reconnect with my wife. The stress of kids, work, and school during this past semester only exacerbated our marital issues, and having more time for each other has been very healthy. I have more hope now that things can work out for us, and so does my wife. It's funny how much has changed between us in the past few months. We've gone from being too afraid to bring up "my issue" to talking about it openly all the time. She's much more accepting of my homosexuality, and she's making great progress in understanding it all. Never in my marriage have we been so open and honest with each other, and it's great! It's all still very new and strange to her, but we're able to joke about my sexuality now. We talk about the men we find attractive and tease each other about our celebrity crushes. She asks me about all my gay friends, and she even had one of them over for dinner last week. That helped her a ton, because she was able to see how non-threatening and beneficial these friendships are to me. Today she kept singing, "Bromance." It's stuck in her head because I showed her the music video while trying to explain the endearing aspects of one of my friendships!

My wife and I like to laugh together over the drama that goes on in the gay community. You single guys know what I'm talking about. You all have the most interesting "interactions." I'll admit, there's been times these past few months that I've wished I were single or I regret getting married. I thought that life would be so much less complicated and happier if I weren't married to a woman. However, you guys have shown me that it doesn't matter whether you're single or married, being a gay Mormon sucks! (and it's made me appreciate being married.)

In all seriousness, we all struggle. We all have challenges. As a young married man, mine are much different than the rest of my gay friends close to my age (who are all unmarried). It's a completely different dynamic being married with kids, but I really do feel your pain. It's hard feeling misunderstood. It's scary to feel alone. It is miserable to feel hopeless about the future. It hurts to have unmet needs and desires. It is extremely challenging to reconcile our homosexuality with Mormonism. We stumble and make mistakes. We make asses out of ourselves. We hurt ourselves and those we love. We let our minds get clouded by emotion. We find ourselves riding the wave of emotions, feeling on top of the world one day and completely wretched the next.

But you know what? It's ok. That's what this life is all about. We learn what we need to learn, and we move on. We're not alone. We have each other. This community of bloggers has been incredibly helpful to me. I love reading about your views and perspectives. I love the exchange of ideas and the offering of support. The situation regarding homosexuality in the church is discouraging, but there is hope, and changes (as small as they are) are happening. I see all of us as being part of that change. I think it would be awesome to one day in the future be able to see things in an entirely better state than they are now and be able to look back and appreciate the role that we played in that change.

If you do feel like you're going at it alone, don't give up. Know that there are many who stand ready to accept you. Heck, feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I don't claim to be anywhere close to having everything figured out, but then again who really does? Helping others helps me because it keeps me from getting too selfish and self-centered. Also, remember that no matter what, you always have a God in heaven that loves you. He knows you better than anyone, and you've been given the trials you have as an opportunity to come to know Him and yourself better.

Christmas must have put me in a good mood. We'll see how long I can ride this wave. Happy New Year everyone!

The Ugly Duckling: Gay Mormon Style

In my last post I mentioned that I wanted to become unburdened with unrealistic expectations for my marriage. I realize now that I'm not even fully sure that I know what that means. So I wanted to explore this a bit and see if anyone else had input on this subject.

My line of thinking is that I no longer want to live with a false sense of reality. I have been doing that for many years in my marriage. After initially coming out to my wife early on, we took some time to address the shock of it all, I went to some counseling, and things got a bit better. However, the reason things got better is because we learned how to avoid the topic of my homosexuality altogether. It was just too painful for both of us to deal with.

Allow me to explain my situation with a metaphor. You know the ugly duckling from the well-known children's story? That's me. The point when I came out to my wife was like saying, "I'm not like other ducks. I don't walk like, talk like, or swim like other ducks." This caused chaos and instability in my marriage. It seemed then that the most obvious solution to this problem was to walk the walk, talk the talk, and swim just as all the other ducks in the pond did. This went on for over two and a half years. I did most everything I could to be theI best duck possible.

But something still didn't feel right. Life as a duck felt too fake, too forced, and too scripted. I wondered why I couldn't just get the same joy out of life the way that other ducks did. Loneliness and isolation set in. With that came self hate and loathing. There were times I thought I would rather be dead than continue being the ugly duckling that I was.

Just when I reached an all-time low, I spotted a different flock. They did not walk like, talk like, or swim like other ducks. They were swans, and I was scared of them. Then one day as I was looking at my reflection in the water came the realization: I am not an ugly duckling. I too am a swan.
With this realization came a flood of emotions. I was relieved that there was nothing wrong with me as I had thought all along. There was less shame in the way I walked and talked. I began to feel less pressure to continue the charade of acting like a duck. I even made friends with some swans and found that they were not as scary as I thought they were. However, this new realization was not without its difficulties. My duck wife was not sure she could remain married to a swan. My duck bishop ignored the fact that I am a swan, and simply told me that I was a bad duck. I felt as though there were no place for me in the duck pond, and I began to agonize over the thought of ever having to leave my nest of ducklings.

I've recently decided to commit myself to working on my marriage. By default that also means that I am staying in the Mormon duck pond. So what am I to do? How do I live without  the burden of unrealistic expectations? I cannot unlearn the fact that I am a swan. I cannot expect to be magically transformed into a duck. Do I continue acting like a fake duck? Do I act like a swan yet remain in the pond with the ducks? Is there any way of taking flight with the other swans? I don't know.

This blog post turned out much differently than I expected. I hadn't planned on carrying out that metaphor for so long. It just seems to fit the situation so well. This leaves me thinking: will I ever be at peace with myself? Is it ok to be a swan among ducks? Will I ever feel like an authentic swan? How can I find joy in staying in the duck pond?

Hope Amid the Turmoil

These past two weeks have very much been a crucible for me. It seems that combined with all the hellish stress of finals, everything else that I've been struggling with has come to a head recently. I've experienced some of my darkest moments, and my range of emotions has been all over the charts. That being said, the sweet has come with the bitter, and some incredible moments have been sprinkled throughout the storm. I'm going to try to address all the various elements that have been part of this craziness, so this post may be a bit choppy, but here it goes.

School/Work:
 This past semester has been the hardest for me in my entire academic career. Creditwise it has been less than others I've taken (last spring I did 18), but combined with all the personal struggles and other demands on my time it has contributed to a big academic train wreck. I've never turned in so many late assignments before. However, I have some very understanding professors which has helped a ton. Thankfully I didn't fail any classes or lose my scholarship.

I've slept so little these past few weeks. I had so many all-nighters that I lost count. I rarely slept for more than three or four hours a night. Strangely enough, I haven't had to drink as much "unlawful" caffeinated beverages as I have in times past. I guess high levels of anxiety are great for keeping me alert enough to get all my papers and projects done.

I came out to my English teacher about a month ago. I was sitting in her office discussing my chosen topic for my persuasive research essay, and she challenged me to write about something personal, something that I think about a lot. So I told her a bit about the challenges I'm currently going through as a married gay Mormon. She was extremely kind and encouraging, and so I wrote my paper about the options for gay men in the LDS church. I learned a ton. I plan on posting it to this blog soon after I do some double-checking of of the data I used.

The other day I was talking with a classmate about the stress of school, and so I ended up telling her that I go to a counselor on a weekly basis. She was surprised that I would tell her that. It seems in Utah we have this fear of admitting that we're struggling because we are afraid that people will see us differently or think that we're not being righteous enough. But I've come to realize that everyone struggles, and if we let people think that our lives are peachy and perfect then it only makes them feel more inadequate when they compare themselves to us. We all have shit to work through, and so why don't we admit it and support each other through it? My classmate told me, "I've been wondering how you do it with two jobs, a full load of courses, and two kids. Now I know how!" I let out a smug grin and thought, "Oh you don't even know the half of it!" Counseling has certainly helped but I don't even know how I made it through. I've tried to surround myself with therapy in all forms. I exercise regularly, which is very important for me to do. Recently as things have gotten very hard, I've been blessed with great friends and family who have been there to support me and help me keep standing. (which is a great segue-way into the next element of my life).


Friendships:
Three weeks ago I felt very alone. Reading blogs helped, but I still felt very distant from people. Sure, I have old friendships, some great classmates, and a terrific counselor, but no one to whom I could turn to at any time for support when things got rocky in my marriage. That has changed. Partly because of this blog I have gained a small handful of gay friends. It's seriously like they started popping out of the floorboards or something! Now I have talks and texts and emails with gay guys all the time. I'm not exactly sure why but men who experience feelings similar to mine are so much easier to relate to and connect with. When my wife or counselor tell me, "It'll be ok," for some reason it doesn't offer the same kind of comfort and solace that those same words convey when I hear them from one of my gay friends. Even if they just empathize with me their sincerity means so much more to me. I suppose the reason it's this way is that it's part of my deeply rooted emotional need for a connection with other men.

One of these friends in particular has been terrific. I feel like I've known him for much longer than a few weeks. He has taken so much time to talk through my struggles with me, and his support has been incredibly valuable. Hearing his own struggles have helped me feel so blessed and fortunate. There were a few times that I was in a very ugly place spiritually and emotionally, and I have him to thank for pulling me out of that pit and providing a ray of sunshine in the midst of the storm.

Wife/Marriage:
I don't want to share too many details about my marriage. That's not the intent of this blog. I will just say that these past two weeks have been the roughest we've ever seen. We've stared divorce in the face. There were times that I lost all hope. I was miserable and my poor wife was equally as miserable. For so long she was mourning over our marriage and our future. It wasn't until she hit rock bottom that things started to change. She eventually realized that she could not continue to live with the attitude that her life held no possibility for joy. She came to me a few days ago with a changed perspective. I could see that she was starting to view our marriage with much more acceptance and hope. It was a beautiful moment.

There are those who wonder why I am still married. There are well-meaning individuals who have been through what I'm going through and have encouraged me to just end it now. It does make sense, after all, since it would be much harder to end my marriage 10-20 years from now, than to do it now. I would be able to allow my wife and I to move on and rebuild our lives. I would be able to be fully authentic in my sexuality, whatever that means.

But here's my thoughts on divorce for my situation: it doesn't seem like the answer. It doesn't seem like it will solve my problems and bring me happiness, at least not yet. I hesitate to use this comparison because I hate it when people compare being gay to having a disease, but here I'll compare it more to my marriage than my homosexuality. If a doctor were to tell me that I had an illness that gave me an 85% chance of dying in the next year, what would I do? Would I buy a gun on the way home from my appointment and shoot myself when I got home just because death is inevitable? Of course not! I would learn everything I could about my condition. I would seek the best professionals out there who can help me beat the odds. Although I would make the necessary preparations to die, I would do everything I could to get better. I would adjust my expectations and adapt however it was necessary. I would do my best to enjoy what time I have left in this life and make the most of it.

So this is the new attitude that I'm going to try to approach my marriage with. This line of thinking is what brings me the most hope for a happy future. This doesn't mean that I'm going to conform to the expectations of everyone around me. Instead I'm going to find my own way. I'm going to unburden myself with unrealistic expectations and put my marriage in God's hands. That's all that my wife and I can really do at this point.

Hole in my Heart

It seems that I've been coming out to people right and left lately. My wife and one of my best friends have known for a while, but this recent bit started with this blog. Then I came out to my bishop, then my English professor (more on that later), then my English TA, and yesterday I came out to my former roommate (the one mentioned in my last post). He called me yesterday, and we talked about his coming out. I wasn't planning on telling him originally because I didn't want to burden him with my troubles. I really needed someone to relate to about my feelings regarding the church, so as I was trying to explain myself I realized that what I was saying made no sense without the context of my homosexuality, and it all just came spilling out. It feels so good to have the support of understanding friends.

I suppose that coming out to more people is a sign of my acceptance of being gay. I'm shedding the shame that I've lived with for so long. Until recently I've considered my gayness as being a part of my greatest weaknesses and mistakes. It took me some time to learn that sexuality is not just about a lust for one gender or another. It's about the kind of person I crave attention and affection from. Who I long to spend my time with. It has to do with the kind of person I connect with spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. It's who I'm willing to open my heart to and be vulnerable with. For me that kind of person happens to be men. None of these are bad things. They are core human needs, desires, and emotions. If you look at it from that perspective, being gay is something that can be quite beautiful.

It's not all butterflies and rainbows when you're gay in a mixed-orientation marriage, however. Because these needs are natural and necessary, it's easy for me to feel very empty when they go unmet. I'm grateful that my wife is able to meet some of these needs, but there still seems to be such a huge disconnect. This leaves me with an aching hole in my heart that feels like its only growing larger. This hole is manifested by feelings of depression, isolation, loneliness, bitterness, resentment, and hopelessness. I've tried and tried many things in an effort to fill that hole somehow. I've tried being as righteous as possible. Even at my most righteous time of my life the aching remained. I've tried being more devoted to my marriage. There have been times that I turned myself into something more akin to a servant than a husband as I doted over my wife. This actually had negative effects as it caused my wife to be more dependent on me and increased my resentment toward her. Being a damn good husband still doesn't fill the hole. I've devoted myself to my church callings, tried my best to reach out to others in service, and kept myself as busy as possible in my studies. These sort of things only numb the pain temporarily. I've exercised religiously. Consequently I'm in the best shape of my life yet I'm still unfulfilled (btw, anyone at USU interested in having a workout buddy next semester? shoot me an email). I don't know if these feelings will ever go away, but I sure hope that somehow, someday they will.

Depression is ugly. No one should live with shame and self-hate. I'm trying to turn to God and listen to Him in a way that I've never done before, to open my mind up to a new world of outcomes and possibilities outside of the prescribed framework handed to me. I'll close this post with one of my favorite songs of late that I find myself turning to a lot. It is by a Christian rock band called Tenth Avenue North, called 'By Your Side:'

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?

'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
 

Monday Schmonday

My wife now knows more about me than she ever has before. It was a long and emotionally draining weekend as we discussed it all. She hasn't read my blog, but we talked about most everything I've posted on here. The timing was sooner than expected, but once the ball starts rolling it's hard to stop it. I don't know how all this will resolve, but complete honesty has got to be established if we are to build up from here.

On another note, this weekend I found out that one of my good friends and former roommates has come out of the closet. I've always had my suspicions about him. I don't think it's fair to assume that just because a guy has all the mannerisms that he is automatically gay, but with some people you just know. He didn't make any sort of announcement, but I figured it was a safe assumption once I saw the pictures of him and another gorgeous man on each other's facebook profiles. I am extremely happy for him, and I made sure to tell him so. It's safe to say that if I was single and had reached the level of acceptance and development that I have now, I would be coming out to my family and looking for men to date. So seeing my friend reach that point leaves my gut feeling stabbed with regret.

But when I think about it, I can imagine that if I were in his shoes I would have similar feelings of regret every time I saw baby pictures from my friends on facebook. Life is full of tough choices, and there is always some sort of sacrifice that accompanies those choices. I'm playing the hand of cards that I was dealt, and I don't plan on reshuffling the deck anytime soon.

My life is a roller coaster. Maybe because I live with a woman. Or because I'm gay. Naw, I'm pretty sure it's both.

A Happier Tone

Yes, I did just include a cheesy sunset beach photo in this post. Doesn't the sight of this just make your heart sing?

I've been thinking about this blog, and the direction it is going. The title doesn't entirely make sense anymore. My first two posts were about confessing my "horrible and abominable ways" to all the world. I felt like I had so much guilt and shame bottled up that I had to belt it out over the housetops. It was not long after I wrote those that I realized that I was done confessing. There wasn't much more to say. It then occurred to me that maybe I wasn't such a terrible person. Even though I'm gay, I've never had sexual relations with another man. I haven't even gone as far as holding hands or kissing another guy. I've never had sex outside of marriage. Yeah, there's the porn addiction, but that doesn't make me much worse than thousands of other active Mormon men. Not that any of those things listed above make one a terrible person, but according to the world view that I had at that time, I felt that I qualified as something pretty awful.

So a few months after I wrote those first two posts, I returned to writing my blog for a few reasons. I found the MoHo directory, and after reading through several blogs, I had a desire to contribute to the conversation. Another reason is that I needed it as a form of therapy. I needed to hash out my cognitive dissonance. I needed to make sense of all the confusion in my mind and do a lot of self-exploration. I still have a lot of that to do. I suppose another reason that has been a less conscious one is that I wanted to show the world that a mixed orientation marriage doesn't work. I'm not sure why I feel this way. Perhaps when Josh Weed came out I felt a bit threatened. Perhaps I have a lot of resentment toward someone like him that has a terrific marriage when mine is struggling so much.

If I've appeared to be a warrior against mixed orientation marriages, I'm sorry. Every marriage is different, and what works for some may fail for others. If a young Moho were considering the option of marriage to a woman and was seeking my advice on the matter, I would definitely give him my opinion by urging him not to do it. However, one need not base such a huge decision on my experience alone.  In all fairness, perhaps I haven't portrayed my marriage accurately. When I talk about my marriage, I'm usually venting. This blog is a place where I can say things I wouldn't say anywhere else. My marriage is not entirely shitty like it may appear to be, and this blog is where I hurl the shit from my marriage. The benefit of that is that in some ways, it keeps the house a bit cleaner (sorry if that lacks appropriate euphemism!)

So to be fair, and in the the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'll talk about my blessings. I'm grateful that I am able to be married. I read about many gay men who have zero attraction to women, which would make any kind of marriage to a woman an impossibility. I'm grateful that I'm not alone. Although I feel alone and isolated in my situation, at least I have a person that loves me dearly, and who tells me that every day. My wife's support and companionship has been a tremendous comfort to me for the past 4 years. She has been there to instill confidence in me and to urge me to be a better person in all that I do. She's been my shoulder to cry on and my friend to laugh with. I'm grateful for family. They support me in my endeavors. They love me and are concerned about me. I have terrific in-laws. One great thing about getting married is that you automatically have more people in your life that love you and support you.

I'm so grateful for my kids. Children came so easily into my marriage when there are so many couples, both heterosexual and homosexual, who for whatever reason struggle to bring children into their family. My heart goes out to those people, because I know how much of a blessing kids have been in my life. Through the worst of my trials, my kids have been my main motivation to continue through each day and work hard so that I can provide for their needs. I love seeing the joy on my child's face when I come home at the end of the day. I love the feeling of being trusted and needed by my children. I love being the first to rush by their bedside in the middle of the night to offer comfort and solace. I love watching them grow and develop and learn new things. I love teaching them things, like how to throw rocks into the water, or about the simple beauties of art (even when the artwork produced is just scribbles on a sheet of paper). I love dancing with my children. If you were to peek into my window on any given evening, odds are you'll see me dancing. I've learned how to hide my gayness in most aspects of my life, but when it comes to dancing, it shines through. My wife loves it but at the same time it makes her very uncomfortable!

I'm grateful for opportunities. I've had some great educational and work opportunities that have helped me to grow as a person. I served my mission among some very poor people. I saw how much they craved for knowledge and for learning opportunities. I saw how much an education could alter the course of one's life. I'm so grateful that I live in a country that values education and makes it possible for someone like me to go to school so that I can improve my position in life. I'm grateful for terrific professors that go out of their way to give me a meaningful education. I'm grateful that I'm able to pursue a field of study that I am passionate about.

I'm grateful for health, I'm grateful for life, and I'm grateful for hope. Hope is what tells me there will be a better tomorrow. It's what helps me push through trials. It's what guides my decisions. It's what leads me on each day.

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must of felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.
"Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

Warm Fuzzies

I have warm fuzzies right now. I just got done hanging out with another Moho that I met through this blog. It was awesome. It is a strange phenomenon in that someone I've only known for an hour and a half knows me better than almost everyone in my life. It felt so great though to just be myself, not having to hide any part of me. I'm usually shy and more reserved, but not with him. After the initial ice melted, I felt completely comfortable.

I was super nervous about meeting up. Nervous that he might be a creep. Nervous that I might end up completely falling for him. Nervous of what my wife would think if she knew what I was doing. The fact that I didn't tell my wife about our meeting may be a red flag for some, but I really thought this through. I know that our meeting was harmless. We both know it's going nowhere farther than friendship, and we both really need each other's support. I do plan to tell my wife about this sometime in the future, when it feels right and I've sorted things out more. I know that if she did know about this now she would be extremely upset and possibly blow things out of proportion, so it is really for the best that she not know right now. I can't keep something like this from her all the time, because my marriage needs more openness and honesty. Timing is key though.

He and I both acknowledged that our friendship is somewhat risky, and I am putting him in an awkward situation, given that I'm married, and he doesn't want to be any sort of negative influence on my marriage. It doesn't help that I find him very attractive.  But I really think we can be a positive influence on each other. Together we can help each other sort out the awful complexities of being gay and Mormon. Not just weep and mourn over our situation, but also rejoice in our gayness together. However, we will tread cautiously.

Being with him felt sooo good though. I loved it, and that's what scares me.

That Sweet Spot in the Middle

To say that I come from a conservative Mormon background is an understatement. To give you a general idea, I'm from a small farm town in Idaho. I have a large family. We're all active and married in the temple. We were taught old-school 80's Mormon principles (even though I have no memories from the 80's). When I was growing up, my view of the world was very black and white. Either something was completely right, or completely wrong. There was such polarity in views that I rarely saw anything in between.  Let me give you some examples of the ideologies I believed:

LDS: Good
Anything else: Bad

BYU: Celestial Kingdom
U of U: Outer Darkness
(I ultimately chose neither school)

Straight: Right
Gay: Wrong
(There were no gay people, just people who made really wicked choices.)

Small town/Farmboy: Good
City Slicker: Bad
(Not kidding, I actually believed this. My family has a video I watched all the time called The Buttercream Gang that enforced this view.)

Republican: The only right party
Democrat:  Of the devil

Conservative: Good
Liberal: Bad
(I was pretty far to the right. In high school my government class took a test to see where we land on the liberal-conservative scale, with most liberal being a score of 30 and most conservative being a score of 0. I beat everyone in the class with my score of 3. Now I wonder if I were to take that now against those same classmates if I would beat them again, only with the highest score...)

America:  The only place with freedom
All other nations:  unfortunate that they can't be us.

I'm very glad my views have evolved over the years and thankfully I have found that none of these are as I previously viewed. It seems like such an oversimplified, dichotomous way of viewing things, but unfortunately, many people still see things like this. Why does there always have to be polar opposites? What about the middle ground? It's things like this that got me frustrated during the election (don't worry, that is over and done with and I'm not going there). Why can't some people see that just because two groups hold conflicting viewpoints, it doesn't automatically mean that one of them is wrong?

That's also part of what's causing me frustration with the church. It's as if to be a Mormon you have to buy into everything that is uttered in Salt Lake or else you're an enemy of the church. There's little room for free thinking or exploring other ideas. It's the principle of being "either hot or cold, and if thou art lukewarm I will spew thee out of my mouth." If you question or doubt the church, you're crossing the line.

The other day I was talking with my mom. I love her dearly. With my changing views, however, we no longer see things in the same light. The topic of polygamy came up somehow. She was telling me about my great-grandfather who was raised in a polygamous home, and what a bad situation it was since his mom was the second wife and got by on next to nothing while the first wife, her sister, lived like a queen. Out of the blue, I changed gears in the conversation and said:

"What I don't understand about polygamy is why did Joseph Smith marry women that were already married to other men?"

Naturally she was defensive and asked me where I heard that. I told her, and she then said:

"I wouldn't believe anything regarding church history unless it comes from the church itself. People made up all sorts of awful things about Joseph Smith, much like how people make up horrible things about Mitt Romney today."

Yes. She actually compared Joseph Smith to Mitt Romney.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the idea of polar opposites. Since being a newcomer to the Mormon gay community, I've noticed that such a divide exists here too, regarding one's approach toward homosexuality. There's either the affirmative approach or the reparative approach (I hesitate to use the word reparative because it seems like such a charged word. I don't fully understand all the semantics, but I'm referring to the efforts to suppress or change homosexual attractions). Initially I found myself wanting to assign one method good and another bad, however, I've come to see the positive in both.

The reparative approach seems to offer the most to someone like me who comes out after being married, giving one hope that they can have a healthy, intimate relationship with their spouse and perhaps even eventually be free from homosexual feelings. Everything they value falls in line with the teachings of the church. So if I were looking for a support community you would think that this would be the one I would choose, but this is not so.

A handful of things about this approach don't sit well with me. First is the studies that show how reparative therapy can be damaging. I saw a video of Lee Beckstead on FarBetween as he was discussing his findings as part of a task force with the APA. He said that they found that reparative therapy was damaging and one of the recommendations they made is that patients should stop being told that they can change. Another thing I don't like is that they seem to push mixed-orientation marriages. It seems all their poster boys are in happy mixed-orientation marriages. I understand that Josh Weed has stated that his situation is not to be used as an example for everyone. Perhaps this is not intentional, but as I was looking through the Northstar website I came across a section that had quotes from General Authorities. The first was one by Pres. Hinckley about how marriage should not be viewed as a form of therapy for homosexuality. The rest of the dozen or more quotes were all about the importance of marriage, and to how to strengthen it, and were of leaders urging the brethren of  the church to get married. Talk about a mixed message. I've found for myself that M.O.M.'s are not such a good idea, and I wouldn't want to be a part of something that encourages it.

I also don't like how among this approach phrases like "struggling with same-gender attraction" are used in the same manner as one struggles with cancer. Homosexuality is something that is a part of who I am, not a wretched curse that must be broken. I also have a hard time buying the notion that I won't be attracted to men in the next life, and I will be completely attracted to women. It just doesn't make sense to me. Please understand I'm just giving you my personal feelings about these ideologies. I still have a lot to learn, and I could be misinformed. I could even change my mind about it later on.

The affirmative approach is the kind of thinking that has brought me the most inner peace. It has helped me reach a great deal of self-acceptance when I used to be full of so much self-loathing. The affirmative notions do seem to be on the fringe (or completely out of the church), but that's where my own beliefs are headed right now anyway. One problem is that they don't seem to fully address the issue of chastity. Another problem for me is that there doesn't appear to be a place in this type of support group for a young married man who is choosing to remain married (for now).

And so I am very conflicted and confused. In the FarBetween clip, Lee Beckstead said something to the effect that the ideal approach would be to combine the best of affirmative and the best of reparative. I'm still trying to sort out what that approach would be like. It seems a bit absurd to suppress every single homosexual thought or feeling and dismiss it as a temptation from Satan. Nor would it be a good idea to affirm and give in to every homosexual thought since that's "just the way I am." I like the approach of moderation in all things. I may not know exactly what that means, but at least it's where I'm comfortable.

Choices and Regret

I love this blogging community. It is allowing me a safe place to express my feelings, fears, and frustrations without backlash or judgment (thus far). Most people who know me would consider me a rather shy person. I seem content to sit on the sidelines of a group discussion, rarely contributing or responding. I suppose the reason for this comes down to my lack of confidence and my overwhelming insecurity. It has kept me silent on many issues, not just those relating to my homosexuality. So it is refreshing to find myself not just contributing but engaging in the discussions that abound in the MoHo community. It’s not that I feel I have a lot to contribute, because I am still so new to all of this. But my participation is teaching me so much about myself and has buoyed me through the trials I’m currently facing. I really appreciate the empathy and support I’ve received since starting this blog. 

I was surprised to see a blog post this morning from Invictus Pilgrim directed at a question I had asked him earlier this week. I’m always so encouraged by his depth of self analysis and awareness. I hope to have that kind of wisdom one day. I had been reading his post titled, MeaCulpa: Inside a Mormon-Mixed Orientation Marriage, when it dawned on me that I had the same feelings of regret and resentment that he recognized near the end of his marriage. I was struck by how he said that it was a tragedy that for so many years he didn't realize he was trying so hard to be something he wasn’t. I'm at that point where I'm acknowledging my own lack of authenticity. So much of what I do as a husband feels fake and forced. I’ve been trying to hide behind this façade of being the righteous priesthood holder and perfect husband. It’s left me feeling like I’ve lost touch with who I truly am, causing so much of what I do to seem meaningless. 

And so with all this confusion and regret, I worry about what may happen if I continue down the road I am on. Will I eventually get to the point that my marriage is so damaged that I lose sight of any goodness or love for my wife? Will things get so bad in my marriage that I’ll experience a divorce of catastrophic proportions? Will things escalate to the point that I’m cut off from my parents, siblings, or worst of all, my kids? Will I struggle through a difficult marriage for years, investing so much time and effort just for it to collapse 20 years from now? Those are all terrifying scenarios I wouldn’t wish upon an enemy. 

And so my question for Invictus Pilgrim stemmed from wanting to gain some sort of understanding as to how to prevent any such tragedy in my own life. I asked him if he had recognized the resentment and lack of authenticity 20 years ago how things may have panned out differently for him and his family. I realized after I posted that comment that it doesn't do much good to conjecture, as IP explained so well. 

It is so easy to get caught in that regret cycle. I don’t know how I’ll ever be completely free from it. Perhaps I shouldn't be living my life full of and in fear of regret, since it is bound to be present with any choice I make. It may be that in the end it doesn't really matter what path I choose, so long as I am able to be at peace with who I am and with my relationship with God. The purpose of this life is to come to know God, right? Perhaps what matters is putting my focus on growing closer to Him through whatever trials I face, and letting the chips fall where they may. 

I continue this search of who I am. I hope that in coming to know myself, I’ll find God there.