Just because you missed me, Chase

This blog is stagnant. Just like my life. It used to be such a good place for me to hurl my confusion and frustration, so I'll give it a go again. These past few months have been strange and crazy and great and hard. Here's a brief list of what's gone on:

I made it through another semester of hellishness.
I graduated from college.
I came out to my parents (first came out of the spiritual closet, then I was pulled out of the homosexual closet).
I started a new job (a real grown-up job!)
Anna and I started marriage counseling.

Telling my parents that I don't believe in the church was hard. I didn't realize that they would take it much harder than when I came out about being gay to them. I never finished that letter to them but this blog pretty well goes through a lot of my development that has occurred where I left off in the last ten months or so. It was scary and hard for my parents to accept but I ended up having a very good conversation with my mom for several hours about it and I could really feel her love, even if she didn't understand. My dad is a little different. We haven't discussed my homosexuality at all but he has been very concerned about my views toward the church. Every time we've talked about it we've ended up arguing. It's led to an even greater strain in my relationship with my father.

My testimony in the church is something I haven't discussed a ton on here. To put it simply, I don't believe in the major truth claims of the church. One true church. Book of Mormon's historicity. Priesthood Authority. Ordinances of Salvation. Joseph Smith as a Prophet. Word of Wisdom. Pretty important stuff to believe in if you're a Mormon. I've found myself with a completely deconstructed faith. It's been a bit terrifying. It's also been incredibly freeing. I now no longer measure my worth by the expectations of an authoritarian organization. For a time I became a bit atheist. At this point I'm striving find faith again, so I'll consider myself an agnostic theist. Throughout all of this radical change in belief, however, I never stopped going to church. Sure, I'd skip Elder's quorum and Sunday School a lot when sacrament meeting left me bitter enough, and most of the time I go to keep the peace with Anna and help maintain reasonable control of the boys. But I've never been able to shake off the church completely. And perhaps I never will be able to.

Mormonism is as much a part of me as my homosexuality is a part of me. It's so ingrained into my psyche and culture and family life. And I realized that despite my complete lack of belief, I still seek out understanding and learning in the Mormon context through blogs in the mohosphere, support groups like Northstar, and podcasts like Mormon Stories and A Thoughtful Faith. Mormonism is very much the water I swim in, and I don't see any way to keep it from being an influence in my life.

I had a brief chat with my bishop about where I'm at.  I explained straight up that I don't believe in the church, that I not longer hold a recommend or keep my temple covenants, and I only go for my family. So what does he do with my self-proclaimed apostasy? He gives me a calling of course. I was asked to teach in the Elder's Quorum. We'll see how long this lasts before they release me for teaching false doctrine some of the many new things I've learned.  I told my bishop and Elder's Quorum President that I refuse to be hypocritical and teach something I don't believe just because it's in the lesson. Surprisingly, they were very understanding, and insisted that the men in the ward had something to learn from me. Talk about a completely different experience than I had with my last bishop. I've gotten past a lot of my bitterness toward the church and I do accept that it does much good in the lives of its members and can still be of benefit to me. I'm certainly not opposed to an opportunity to serve and perhaps allow others to see a completely different take on the church and spirituality. I also figured that since I've spent so much time breaking apart my beliefs lately that this would give me a chance to learn for myself what I truly believe in my heart.

So far I've taught two lessons. The first was very interesting. The lesson was about missionary work. I spun that into a discussion about the growth of the church and shared some stats that show people are leaving almost as fast as they're joining. Then discussed reasons why people leave the church. I shared the results of a poll that asked former Mormons why they leave and made the point that a very small percentage actually get offended or leave because they want to sin. Most of them leave because like I, they don't believe the doctrine. And then I talked about how we need to show love to people who question the church and reach out to them rather than make hurtful accusations about them. I did learn a lot and I think a meaningful experience was had by many of the men there (although I did make a few of them rather nervous and uncomfortable when I started mentioning the issues that people have with the church!) If you're interested in my lesson, check out the links at the end of this post.

I've realized that I'm very much a fence sitter. It's frustrating but I don't know how else to do things at this point. I don't believe in Mormonism yet I'm still quite active. On Sunday I wear my white shirt and tie at church in the morning and then in the afternoon I'll often work out, go shopping, or have a coffee in the afternoon.  I've really accepted and tried to embrace my homosexuality. I no longer share the church's homophobic views that would hold me back yet I still remain married to my wife. I see nothing sinful or immoral about homosexual behavior.  To me, same-sex relationships are as natural and meaningful as heterosexual relationships. My many marital difficulties cause me to contemplate divorce a lot. However, at the same time I do find joy in being married. There are many times when things between Anna and I are quite great. I have found a lot of fulfillment in having close friendships with other guys, particularly other gay guys. I strongly need these relationships, but unfortunately I've found that friends come and go, and no one has been a consistent part of my life like my wife has. Despite all the crap I've put her through and the intense emotions we've experienced in our marriage, she still loves me. She's becoming more accepting all the time and she really strives to understand me. Yet still I struggle with serious doubts of whether or not I can continue to live as a married man. However, being a father and family man is a significant part of my identity, although at times I struggle with that role.

I wonder how long I'll remain caught between different worlds like I am now. I feel a bit like I don't belong anywhere. I don't fit into the Mormon realm, since I don't believe it. I don't belong among the ex-Mormons, since I'm still active. I don't belong in the gay community since I'm married to a woman. I don't even feel like I fit into gay Mormon communities like Northstar because I don't view my homosexuality as some sort of affliction and I don't share some of the same views and values.  I don't necessarily think that I have to fit my identity into one neat box. I can very well be myself and walk my own path, it's just challenging. I feel like I'm just caught in this strange limbo where I'm not sure if I'm progressing in any particular direction.

Perhaps that's why I've slacked off on blogging. I feel like I have to report some sort of progress with each post and progress doesn't seem to be happening. But that's silly. This is my blog and I should be able to spew out whatever nonsense I want to, progress or no progress.So I will try to commit myself to blogging more. I think it's healthy for me. Perhaps one day I'll write a book and I'll be grateful for all the writing experience that this blog gave me. Or maybe I'll just write a blog that no one but like three people will read. Oh wait I've already done that. Now I'm just rambling. And I'm done.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/we-are-one?lang=eng

 

http://www.religiondispatches.org/archive/culture/5611/mormon_numbers_not_adding_up/

http://mormonstories.org/top-5-myths-and-truths-about-why-committed-mormons-leave-the-church/

 

http://www.whymormonsquestion.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Survey-Results_Understanding-Mormon-Disbelief-Mar20121.pdf