The Case for Mormon Marriage Equality

Derek- 
The biggest threat to the life of Utahans aged 15-24 is not drugs, alcohol, disease, or even auto accidents. Here in our state known for family values and strong religious ties, suicide is the leading killer of our teens and young adults. In fact, Utah leads the nation in suicides of men in this age group, and the data gets even more appalling as you look further. Of these early deaths of Utah’s young population, 89% are males. One third of these men are homosexuals, making up the single largest group of suicides. The percentages among the LDS church are very much the same, with over 30% of suicides of its membership reported as having “gender identity issues,” (LDS Church News).  Nationally, homosexuals make up approximately 5% of the total population.  According to estimates by the American Association of Suicidology, LGBT youth are 3.4 times more likely to kill themselves than their straight peers. An increase in amounts of rejection causes the likelihood of suicide to increase, and that is most certainly the case given the hostility of our social environment for our gay brothers, sons, and friends in Utah and throughout the LDS church.­

Being a gay Mormon and having lived in Utah for most of my adult life, I wondered what would contribute to such a suicide epidemic among our gay youth? According to the American Association of Suicidology, high rates of suicide among this group are associated with social environments with high rates of victimization and homophobic attitudes. Their studies of suicides among gay youth show that much of what puts them at risk of suicide stems from the social and cultural environment. Societal attitudes such as believing that nothing can help, the notion that seeking help is a sign of weakness, the denial of serious issues, and embarrassment about acquiring help can create a societal mindset that breeds suicidal behavior. Family acceptance of gay youth is also a key factor. In doing a study on the effects of family acceptance of LGB youth, it was found that, “LGB youth who experienced severe family rejection were more than 8 times more likely to report having attempted suicide compared with peers from families with little or no rejection."

It is quite the internal dilemma that we gay Mormons face. We have strong religious beliefs we value, which are uplifting to us. We have close family ties and a community that cares for them. The core teachings of the church are centered on the doctrine that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan." Combined with our own spiritual experiences that are powerful and affirming, we find ourselves strongly connected to the church. On the other hand, we have innate, powerful emotions that all humans have. We have needs to love and be loved. However, we find ourselves connecting emotionally, romantically, intellectually, and even spiritually with those of the same sex.  These powerful attractions for the same gender are just as strong for homosexuals as they are for heterosexuals with the opposite gender.  However, we are made to feel that these feelings make us a bad person, even sinful. Despite a changing attitude and approach in the LDS church, phrases like "struggling with same-gender attraction" are still used in the same manner as one struggles with a terrible disease.

It should not be surprising then, that faithful gay Mormons find themselves inextricably torn between two equally large aspects of their lives—faith and feelings. These two seemingly opposing forces can become so irreconcilable that the inner conflict becomes unbearable.  According to research on the effect of religion on homosexuals, it was found that gay young adults and teens experienced great amounts of religious-based depression because of their inner conflict regarding their sexual orientation, or due to how they were treated by the members of their congregation (Dehlin, 38). This kind of experience is found in the example of Kevin, who shared with me his struggles as a gay youth in the LDS church. He was rejected and ostracized by his peers in Primary and the youth program for being different. He described his conflict with the church by stating that, “Being gay and being LDS can never coincide. There is no gray, sadly, there is only the black: being LDS, and the white, being gay."

Another chilling example of this struggle is in the experience of a woman I’ll call Sarah. She was raised in a conservative LDS home. Growing up, she followed all the teachings of the church, considering herself a “Molly Mormon.” However, her same-sex attraction confused her, since she was always taught that homosexuality was a sin and a choice. Her feelings became so repressed that eventually she fell into depression, and there were times that she felt that suicide was the only way out. She felt that she would rather be dead than tell anyone she was gay, knowing that being gay would bring more shame upon her family than her suicide. Fortunately, she did not end her life as many gay youth have done. She has finally come to accept and love herself for who she is, despite her family’s shock and disapproval of her homosexuality.

It is true that the views of the church toward homosexuality are changing with the recent launch of the church website, mormonsandgays.org, and it is a much needed change. The new stance of the church affirms that same-sex attraction, “is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters." This increased love and understanding towards gays is absolutely necessary, however, there must be more change in the church than this if we are to completely rid our society of homophobic attitudes that are so distressing to our gay youth. 

This is great progress that church leaders are beginning to acknowledge that homosexuality is inherent and not purely a choice. The church no longer teaches that experiencing same-sex attraction is a grave sin, or is the result of a choice and could be cured.  Homosexuality is tied to both biological and pre-natal developmental factors. Studies have shown that it can be genetic, can run in families, and there are many chromosomal linkages to homosexuality, such as handedness, finger lengths, and the number of older brothers one has. Studies have also shown that homosexuality is “more prevalent than assumed, present in both the broader animal kingdom and across various human cultures, and is not associated with psychological maladjustment, malfunctioning, or maladaptation” (Dehlin, 57). It is clear then, that homosexuality is just another facet of God’s creations. As with any of His creations, there is reason and purpose behind why gays are born that way. 

So what is a person to do when they find themselves naturally drawn to those of the same sex? It states in the church’s official direction to those who are same-sex attracted, “President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that those with same-gender attraction who do not express these inclinations may ‘go forward as do all other members of the Church." Where many of them struggle is finding how to go forward with life and with whom in a church that so strongly emphasizes marriage and family. The options for a gay Mormon are not even clearly stated by the church. In his doctoral dissertation that focuses on the psychosocial aspects of being gay and Mormon, John Dehlin explains these three options:

1) Live a celibate life, relying on faith and righteousness.

2) Marry someone of the opposite gender. This is known as a mixed-orientation marriage. Included in this way of life is often some sort of sexual orientation change effort and an increase in personal righteousness.

 3) Pursue a same-sex relationship and either leave the church, or face excommunication (p.58).

Due to the teachings of the church, there is a strong stigma associated with homosexuality. So many young adults live with the fear of being cut off from their family, community and even God, so they view the life of an LGBT individual as an impossibility. For those that do choose to leave the church because of their homosexual orientation, they are put at risk of a multitude of problems such as “anxiety, depression, family rejection, loss of social connections and support, less satisfaction with life, and suicidality” (Dehlin, 55). For many, choosing a life of celibacy is also problematic (Dehlin, 39). A celibate lifestyle can be difficult to maintain, and studies show that it is associated with poorer mental health (Dehlin, 60). It is hard for people to be hopeful about a future that is ripe with loneliness and possible depression. With such a focus on family in the church, a celibate individual can easily feel estranged. In fact, under nearly every circumstance, celibacy is discouraged in the church, except for with the case of homosexuality. 

Marriage, on the other hand, can seem like a viable option to the faithful Latter-day Saint desperate to follow the church’s plan for him. Marriage is associated with better health, and gives one a greater sense of purpose and meaning. However, the many studies on mixed orientation marriage are highly discouraging. Case studies point out that common problems of these kind of marriages are: “sexual and emotional dissonance, disorientation, despair, spiritual turmoil, insecurity, resentment, pain and infidelity” (Dehlin, 61). Divorce rates for mixed orientation marriages range from 57% to as high as 85%. Formerly, the church counseled young gay men to get married, giving them the false impression that it would cure them of their same-sex attraction. In 1987, President Hinkley explained that “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again” (LDSResources).  Although men are no longer told officially in the church to “marry the gay away,” the sentiment that marriage is the solution is still felt in the church today. In fact, 31% of gay LDS men marry women, and that number is 10% higher than the national average (Dehlin, 61). 

The attitudes in the church toward homosexuality lead many to believe that it something that can be cured or overcome. Sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE) have become highly sought after by gay Mormons. Concerned with the increase of these forms of therapy, the American Psychological Association conducted a study on the effectiveness and viability of these efforts. They found that not only were these efforts ineffective at changing one’s sexual orientation, but that they were damaging. It was even found that religious-based SOCE are among the most damaging and least effective of all methods chosen. Those receiving such treatment were shown to experience the following:

“Decreased self-esteem and authenticity to others; increased self-hatred and negative perceptions of homosexuality; confusion, depression, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, shame, social withdrawal, and suicidality; anger at and a sense of betrayal by SOCE providers; an increase in substance abuse and high-risk sexual behaviors; a feeling of being dehumanized and untrue to self; a loss of faith; and a sense of having wasted time and resources,” (APA, 50).

These findings led the APA to declare that sexual orientation is very unlikely to change, and to highly discourage any efforts to change one’s orientation. Their conclusion is that homosexuality is a healthy and normal variation of human sexuality, and it is not something that should be pathologized. Because of how harmful it can be, the APA urges those involved with administering SOCE to stop telling people that they can change their orientation (APA 120-121). This goes entirely counter to what the church tells its members. In the pamphlet God Loveth His Children it states that “many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality.” 

What then, is to be done about this issue? So many gay members, upon finding themselves unable to change their sexual orientation, are left disoriented without any options for their lives. According to LeeBeckstead, a psychologist who focuses his research on gay Mormons, explains that, "the thought of killing yourself comes from the sense of [having] no option. After many anxious efforts of trying to change one's sexuality…suicide becomes a way to end the pain” (Beckstead). To put an end to this suicide epidemic, we as members of the church must continue to bring about a less hostile social environment for gay Mormons. Eventually, the LDS church must become accepting of gay marriage, thus giving their faithful gay members an option other than suicide.

There are plenty of oppositions within the church and throughout the nation on gay marriage. The first reason why people oppose it is because it is believed to be an issue of doctrine. There are only a few scriptures in the Bible that oppose homosexual acts, the bulk of them being part of what is called the Levitical code. Using this as a reason to condemn homosexuality seems only convenient. As Clark Pingree, a gay Mormon states, “If we truly followed the Levitical code that speaks out against homosexuality, then we should also legalize polygamy, encourage concubinage, legalize prostitution, prohibit inter-tribal and interracial marriage, ban all forms of birth control, strip women of their civil rights, and marry off our thirteen year old daughters."  There are very few other examples of God’s disdain for homosexuality. It is not mentioned in the four Gospels, the Book of Mormon, the Pearl of Great Price, or even the Doctrine and Covenants. Joseph Smith said nothing about this issue. It appears then, that the church’s stance on homosexuality stems from well-meaning leaders of the church that are subject to the biases and mindsets of society

I cannot understand how allowing gays to marry destroys the institution of marriage. The purpose of marriage is to establish commitment and strengthen the bonds of a family. Why would we not want to strengthen the families of those that are currently in same-sex relationships? Allowing gays to marry will not take any rights away from those that are already married heterosexually. Those who fear that allowing gay marriage will lead to a slippery slope in which everyone turns gay and the world population ceases to replace itself have completely illogical fears, especially given the studies as to the unchanging nature of sexual orientation. Also given the APA’s assessment that homosexual behaviors and attractions are positive and normal variations of human sexuality, it cannot be assumed that allowing gays to marry would bring about higher instances of rape, bestiality, pedophilia, or any other behavior associated with mental illness or sexual deviation (APA 121).

Many feel that the stance of the church on homosexuality is God’s doctrine, and that His doctrine is not changed by shifting views in society. We must remember the example, however, of how the church came to allow African Americans the right of holding the priesthood. Prior to 1978, black people in the church were denied the priesthood and thus a fullness of the temple ordinances. The American civil rights movement brought about a change in social mindset that allowed the prophet Spencer W. Kimball to be open to receiving revelation regarding the change of policy in the church. Polygamy, an issue also directly related to the institution of marriage, is a similar example. The practice of polygamy caused a very poor outlook on the church, and in 1890 after much pressure from the federal government, President Wilford Woodruff announced the discontinuance of the practice. Doctrine and Covenants section 132 even establishes in scripture that plural marriage as a part of God’s law, yet social change eventually led to the end of polygamy in the mainstream LDS church. 

Picketing on Temple Square won’t necessarily bring about marriage equality in the church. What can bring about this is the change in the attitudes of the members. As latter-day saints seek to understand and accept gay people for who they are and who God created them to be, they will embrace them rather than seek to change them. Viewing gay marriage as being equal to that of any other civil marriage will not destroy the family or frustrate God’s plan of salvation; it merely provides a welcome and healthy option for our young LDS gays. Allowing gays to take full and active part in the church will help keep them from substance abuse, promiscuity, and other risky behaviors that are involved in leaving the church’s safety net. Parents, church leaders, and loved ones should be supportive and encouraging of monogamous healthy same-sex marriages as they are the option that allows for full reconciliation of faith and sexuality. The commonly stated phrase, “Hate the sin, love the sinner” does not send a message of love and acceptance. Instead it tells someone to hate something simply because of the way one loves someone. 

I am grateful that the church is making progress in reaching out to its gay and lesbian members. It gives me hope that one day there will no longer be a culture of homophobia in Utah and throughout the church. I look forward to the day where our gay youth will no longer feel the need to kill themselves because they feel they are left with no options or opportunity to express love the way that they experience love. I hope that by accepting gay marriage the same way that the church views any other non-temple marriage we can bring many who have been hurt by the attitudes of the church back into the fold, thus allowing them the same blessings that other members enjoy. As taught in the Book of Mormon, I hope that the full inclusion of all gays in the church will bring about “a way that thereby others might be partakers of the heavenly gift, that they might hope for those things which they have not seen” (Ether 12:8) 

Dehlin, John P. "Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Religiosity and Psychosocial Health amongst Same-sex Attracted Mormons." Diss. Utah State University, 2012.