Struggles of a Mixed-Orientation Marriage

In my searching to understand more about homosexuality, I came across Far Between, which includes the discussions and experiences of gay Mormons. I think that this work is incredible, and I hope that it does much to educate and bring understanding of this topic among the Mormon culture. The one that intrigued me the most was an interview of Mandi and Mikeal Jensen. I found their situation very similar to my own, and I appreciate their complete honesty about the various aspects of their marriage, from the good to the downright ugly. They seemed so genuine and real, not trying to sugarcoat anything or put up a facade of mormon eternal bliss like I see so many couples in the church do.

Part of me really pities them. You can see such pain and sadness in their expressions. You can feel the emptiness and ache they experience. However, the other part of me is really happy for them. I admire their determination to make their marriage work despite the lack of passion and fulfillment. I can see that they truly have a testimony that they are doing what they feel God wants them to do. They certainly seem to have an honest understanding of the sacrifices they are both making by staying together.

Part of me also envies them. Even though they have their very blatant struggles I can see that they do have a great love for each other, as well as a strong friendship. In comparing their situation to my own marriage I feel that mine falls short. I really do love my wife but there is just so much emotional connection that isn't there. Perhaps it is due to the fact that they have been married for 12 years longer than I, and their bond has been forged by trials and experience. Whatever it is, I long for that.

Yet what really pains me is seeing how the emptiness and unfulfilled feelings never really go away. It seems that it is something they have learned to live with (or without). They do their best to focus on the positive, but you can't help but notice that elephant in the room.

There were two things that really struck me. Mikeal talked about how intimacy with his wife felt "mechanical." That in order for the intimacy to occur, his mind had to be somewhere else. I can relate. I can't say that it has always been that way, but it happens more often than it should. When two people are engaging in that great act of love they should be giving their whole selves to each other, but this is one of the sad realities of a marriage in which the attraction for your spouse just isn't there. Many times I feel emotionally mechanical. Like I'm just going through the motions, giving whatever I can to appear engaged in conversations, or to give off the appearance of passion, but not ever getting much out it. Many times it feels so forced just to give my wife a kiss or to do something that makes her feel special. I try to do these things because I know they mean so much to her, but they just leave me feeling so empty.

The other thing that stuck out to me was when Mandi explained that what living in a MOM comes down to is dealing with not being desired by your spouse. I can see how this aspect manifests itself in my wife in so many ways. There's the lack of self-confidence, the anxiety that she has about sex, the body image issues, the thirst and craving for affection. The difficult truth is that nothing she can do will ever make her the kind of person that I'm truly attracted to. That is a very hard pill to swallow for both of us, especially her.

I realize that every relationship has their troubles, but I feel like these issues strike at the core of marriage. I don't know how or if they will ever be resolved, but I hope that one day I can say as the Jensen's did, that the reasons they stay together outweigh the reasons for ending their marriage. And so I continue to dig deep for meaning and hope in my marriage.

I'm loving these videos from Far Between. Feel free to share what you thought of the video or anything else they've put on their site. Definitely looking forward to seeing what more they have to offer.