Choices and Regret

I love this blogging community. It is allowing me a safe place to express my feelings, fears, and frustrations without backlash or judgment (thus far). Most people who know me would consider me a rather shy person. I seem content to sit on the sidelines of a group discussion, rarely contributing or responding. I suppose the reason for this comes down to my lack of confidence and my overwhelming insecurity. It has kept me silent on many issues, not just those relating to my homosexuality. So it is refreshing to find myself not just contributing but engaging in the discussions that abound in the MoHo community. It’s not that I feel I have a lot to contribute, because I am still so new to all of this. But my participation is teaching me so much about myself and has buoyed me through the trials I’m currently facing. I really appreciate the empathy and support I’ve received since starting this blog. 

I was surprised to see a blog post this morning from Invictus Pilgrim directed at a question I had asked him earlier this week. I’m always so encouraged by his depth of self analysis and awareness. I hope to have that kind of wisdom one day. I had been reading his post titled, MeaCulpa: Inside a Mormon-Mixed Orientation Marriage, when it dawned on me that I had the same feelings of regret and resentment that he recognized near the end of his marriage. I was struck by how he said that it was a tragedy that for so many years he didn't realize he was trying so hard to be something he wasn’t. I'm at that point where I'm acknowledging my own lack of authenticity. So much of what I do as a husband feels fake and forced. I’ve been trying to hide behind this façade of being the righteous priesthood holder and perfect husband. It’s left me feeling like I’ve lost touch with who I truly am, causing so much of what I do to seem meaningless. 

And so with all this confusion and regret, I worry about what may happen if I continue down the road I am on. Will I eventually get to the point that my marriage is so damaged that I lose sight of any goodness or love for my wife? Will things get so bad in my marriage that I’ll experience a divorce of catastrophic proportions? Will things escalate to the point that I’m cut off from my parents, siblings, or worst of all, my kids? Will I struggle through a difficult marriage for years, investing so much time and effort just for it to collapse 20 years from now? Those are all terrifying scenarios I wouldn’t wish upon an enemy. 

And so my question for Invictus Pilgrim stemmed from wanting to gain some sort of understanding as to how to prevent any such tragedy in my own life. I asked him if he had recognized the resentment and lack of authenticity 20 years ago how things may have panned out differently for him and his family. I realized after I posted that comment that it doesn't do much good to conjecture, as IP explained so well. 

It is so easy to get caught in that regret cycle. I don’t know how I’ll ever be completely free from it. Perhaps I shouldn't be living my life full of and in fear of regret, since it is bound to be present with any choice I make. It may be that in the end it doesn't really matter what path I choose, so long as I am able to be at peace with who I am and with my relationship with God. The purpose of this life is to come to know God, right? Perhaps what matters is putting my focus on growing closer to Him through whatever trials I face, and letting the chips fall where they may. 

I continue this search of who I am. I hope that in coming to know myself, I’ll find God there.