So one of my classes was going on a brief field trip (within the city). I didn't have a car on campus to be able to drive there, so one of my classmates offered me a ride. No big deal, right? Well to me this was huge, because this guy is extremely attractive. And the kicker? His mode of transportation is...a MOTORCYLE!
Oh boy, that got my gay pulse really racing. In retrospect it's comical how excited I got over being able to sit so close to and simply touch another guy. I was in heaven as I caught a whiff of his cologne and felt his leg against mine. It's sorta been a fantasy of mine that one day some hot guy would wisk me away and we'd ride off into the sunset on his motorcycle...
Oh boy... I guess I'm just really deprived of physical closeness with other men. I can't even remember the last time I got a hug from a non-relative man. I wonder if I did have some sort of healthy bromance if that would help me not fill so empty and thus be a happier, more balanced person. It is just so hard to long so badly for even non-sexual intimacy with other men and to not have anything even remotely close to it.
With my new acceptance of my gay self, I've tried not to be so ashamed of the attractions I have for other men. If this same classmate would have offered me a ride a few months ago I would have turned him down and ridden with someone else. My heart would have been screaming, "YES!" but my mind would be saying, "that would appear way too gay, and you defintely don't want to give yourself away." Now my thought process was something like, "You know you want to, and there's no shame in the fact that the reason you want to is because you think he's hot. There's no harm in this, so you might as well enjoy it."
Anyway, I loved it. I pretended to show lots of interest in the bike itself, even though my prior knowlege of motorcycles is next to zero.
Since I'm on the topic of bromances I have to include this:
For you Mohos who are celibate or in a MOM, do you have any healthy bromances? Is it at all fulfilling, or does it fuel the fire?
Good for you, Derek.
ReplyDeleteI can SOOO relate with this post. My blog is full of bromances, healthy or otherwise. It is the central story of my life. The part that is sad, is that I really have no current bromances, and that is from a choice I've made to hold back and not get messed up in bromantic relationships that just make me desire more of them and less from my marriage.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you chose to go with the "hot guy" on his bike. Did he tell you to "hold on" around his waist, or did you hold on to the bike? I see great progress if you are able to accept such a physical contact and not be concerned about appearances from others! Great step!
I held onto the bike. I wanted to ask him where I should put my hands, (hoping he'd say around him) but I just couldn't build up the nerve.
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