A Happier Tone

Yes, I did just include a cheesy sunset beach photo in this post. Doesn't the sight of this just make your heart sing?

I've been thinking about this blog, and the direction it is going. The title doesn't entirely make sense anymore. My first two posts were about confessing my "horrible and abominable ways" to all the world. I felt like I had so much guilt and shame bottled up that I had to belt it out over the housetops. It was not long after I wrote those that I realized that I was done confessing. There wasn't much more to say. It then occurred to me that maybe I wasn't such a terrible person. Even though I'm gay, I've never had sexual relations with another man. I haven't even gone as far as holding hands or kissing another guy. I've never had sex outside of marriage. Yeah, there's the porn addiction, but that doesn't make me much worse than thousands of other active Mormon men. Not that any of those things listed above make one a terrible person, but according to the world view that I had at that time, I felt that I qualified as something pretty awful.

So a few months after I wrote those first two posts, I returned to writing my blog for a few reasons. I found the MoHo directory, and after reading through several blogs, I had a desire to contribute to the conversation. Another reason is that I needed it as a form of therapy. I needed to hash out my cognitive dissonance. I needed to make sense of all the confusion in my mind and do a lot of self-exploration. I still have a lot of that to do. I suppose another reason that has been a less conscious one is that I wanted to show the world that a mixed orientation marriage doesn't work. I'm not sure why I feel this way. Perhaps when Josh Weed came out I felt a bit threatened. Perhaps I have a lot of resentment toward someone like him that has a terrific marriage when mine is struggling so much.

If I've appeared to be a warrior against mixed orientation marriages, I'm sorry. Every marriage is different, and what works for some may fail for others. If a young Moho were considering the option of marriage to a woman and was seeking my advice on the matter, I would definitely give him my opinion by urging him not to do it. However, one need not base such a huge decision on my experience alone.  In all fairness, perhaps I haven't portrayed my marriage accurately. When I talk about my marriage, I'm usually venting. This blog is a place where I can say things I wouldn't say anywhere else. My marriage is not entirely shitty like it may appear to be, and this blog is where I hurl the shit from my marriage. The benefit of that is that in some ways, it keeps the house a bit cleaner (sorry if that lacks appropriate euphemism!)

So to be fair, and in the the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'll talk about my blessings. I'm grateful that I am able to be married. I read about many gay men who have zero attraction to women, which would make any kind of marriage to a woman an impossibility. I'm grateful that I'm not alone. Although I feel alone and isolated in my situation, at least I have a person that loves me dearly, and who tells me that every day. My wife's support and companionship has been a tremendous comfort to me for the past 4 years. She has been there to instill confidence in me and to urge me to be a better person in all that I do. She's been my shoulder to cry on and my friend to laugh with. I'm grateful for family. They support me in my endeavors. They love me and are concerned about me. I have terrific in-laws. One great thing about getting married is that you automatically have more people in your life that love you and support you.

I'm so grateful for my kids. Children came so easily into my marriage when there are so many couples, both heterosexual and homosexual, who for whatever reason struggle to bring children into their family. My heart goes out to those people, because I know how much of a blessing kids have been in my life. Through the worst of my trials, my kids have been my main motivation to continue through each day and work hard so that I can provide for their needs. I love seeing the joy on my child's face when I come home at the end of the day. I love the feeling of being trusted and needed by my children. I love being the first to rush by their bedside in the middle of the night to offer comfort and solace. I love watching them grow and develop and learn new things. I love teaching them things, like how to throw rocks into the water, or about the simple beauties of art (even when the artwork produced is just scribbles on a sheet of paper). I love dancing with my children. If you were to peek into my window on any given evening, odds are you'll see me dancing. I've learned how to hide my gayness in most aspects of my life, but when it comes to dancing, it shines through. My wife loves it but at the same time it makes her very uncomfortable!

I'm grateful for opportunities. I've had some great educational and work opportunities that have helped me to grow as a person. I served my mission among some very poor people. I saw how much they craved for knowledge and for learning opportunities. I saw how much an education could alter the course of one's life. I'm so grateful that I live in a country that values education and makes it possible for someone like me to go to school so that I can improve my position in life. I'm grateful for terrific professors that go out of their way to give me a meaningful education. I'm grateful that I'm able to pursue a field of study that I am passionate about.

I'm grateful for health, I'm grateful for life, and I'm grateful for hope. Hope is what tells me there will be a better tomorrow. It's what helps me push through trials. It's what guides my decisions. It's what leads me on each day.

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must of felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.
"Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo