Alone

Derek-
One week. That's all it took for certain events to take place that would send my world crashing down. Or at least it seems like it.

Allow me to provide some background. Very early in my marriage as I was struggling with my attraction to men I went through some very dark times. At least they seemed that way then. Now in comparison to what I've gone through these past 6 months they don't seem too terrible after all. I had been feeling very alone and misunderstood and was so confused about these feelings I was having. I craved understanding from people who were also gay. I found my way onto a gay social media website. Through that site, I made friends with "Jed." He's 5 years older than me, had stopped going to church, and had already been in a few gay relationships. There was nothing inappropriate about our friendship; he was just a guy who was kind enough to befriend a very confused and scared newly married gay man. We never met in person, nor did we talk on the phone. We just IM'ed each other a few times a week, and his friendship helped me. I found myself struggling less with porn and feeling slightly better about my situation. However, the thing I did wrong was not tell my wife about this. When she caught me messaging a stranger online who is also gay, she asked me to end the friendship. So I did.

Six months later I found myself chatting to him again. Again I hid it from my wife out of fear of hurting or confronting her. When she caught me messaging Jed again she was very hurt, and again I ended the friendship. I became determined to shut him out of my life as well as any men I was at risk of being attracted to. After this I went through a very long and lonely period in which I hardly had any friends. I did a poor job of keeping in touch with my former roommates, mission friends, and high school buddies. I emotionally disengaged so much that I struggled to connect with others, even with my family.

Then I went through this whole crisis with my faith and marriage that this blog talks all about. Things changed a lot, and as I became more open with Anna, she finally came to greater acceptance of me and our situation. Things got better. I gained support and emotional bonds with other men through this blog. I gained an incredible best friend. My struggles with porn seemed like a thing of the past because I finally was having emotional needs met.

Earlier this month I checked my old email address that I hadn't used in over a year nor checked in several months. I found an email that Jed had sent me that very day. He said he woke up that day thinking about me and wanted to see how my family and I were doing. We began exchanging emails and texts. As it turns out, he had recently moved to Cache Valley. We decided we should hang out sometime.

A week ago I met him at the gym to work out together. We had a good time catching up on everything that had gone on in our lives the past two and a half years. It was very casual, and I told my wife about it. She told me she trusted me. On Saturday we hung out again. We studied together on campus and watched a TV show. I knew I was very attracted to him, but I trusted that everything would be fine. We texted each other a lot, and on Monday evening he met me on campus to study together again. That night it became very clear that we both had strong feelings for each other. We both decided that to continue the friendship at the rate it was developing would create something that would be very difficult to pull the brakes on any further down the road. It was not an easy thing to accept, but he respects my marriage, and we both knew it was for the best.

Over the weekend Anna had noticed a change about me. On Monday and Tuesday I had gotten very quiet and withdrawn like I usually do when something is wrong. I knew she could tell, so I decided to be open and honest with her about Jed. Last night I confessed to her that I had allowed myself to develop feelings for him. I explained that we had ended things, but she was extremely hurt nonetheless. Through tears she said it would be best for us to get a divorce. This topic has been brought up so many times in our marriage and especially during the past six months, however, for the first time I found myself not fighting her on it. I don’t know if divorce is the right thing for us to do, but I’ve really lost hope that this will work out. I feel like I’ve tried so many things to have our needs met in our marriage, but each time I have failed. The fact that I’ve allowed myself to develop feelings for a guy that reciprocates them feels like the greatest of my failures. It totally hit my wife at her deepest anxieties and crushed her. I feel like the doom that has been looming over my marriage from the beginning has only gotten larger and darker.

Anna reached a breaking point. Up until this point she has told no one close to her about me or our marriage troubles. She finally decided to call my brother’s wife, whom she is very close to. I put my 2-year old to bed and sobbed heavily as I rocked him. I could hear Anna’s sobs in the other room as I called my best friend, looking for some comfort. When I had told him previously about Jed, I was very surprised by his reaction, which made me feel like he didn’t trust me. Because of that, I lied to him about any further interactions with Jed. When I called him last night and told him everything that had just taken place, and confessed of my lie he became very hurt and hung up on me.

I spent a horribly lonely and rough night on the recliner. I’ve been in a haze all day, holding back tears and feeling full of guilt and regret. Tonight my home is quiet. My oldest boy is asleep, and Anna and the baby have left town. I’m listening to my Kris Allen album on repeat, fighting back tears and aching all over. I feel so alone. My actions have hurt my wife and my best friend. Because of all this I may end up divorced. I may end up being separated from my beloved boys.

I hope the time apart from each other gives Anna and me a chance to sort things through. I don’t know what will happen next but I’m so scared. Why didn’t I lock my heart when I got married? Why have I allowed my attractions to develop into something with the potential to be very damaging to my family? I feel so stupid and angry at myself. I wish I knew how to resolve all this. I have no answers.

Kris Allen keeps singing in my headphones.

Life's been blinding me 

From what I thought I'd see 

Is there clarity in this insanity? (yeah)  

Whats she want from me? (yeah)
 

Roads in front of me 

Taking me astray  

Are you leaving me? 

Or are you leading the way?  

Can you hear what I'm sayin'?

 
I need to know...   

I need to know... 

I need to know...  

I need to know...

 
Feel like I'm tryin' to breathe under water 

Tryin' to climb but I keep fallin farther (yeah)  

Will you take my hand?

 
Feels so far away 

Want to see your face  

Are you even there? 

Can you show me?! 

Can you make me believe?!

 
I need to know... 

I need to know... 

I need to know... 

I need to know...
I need to know...  

I need to know...