No Fairy Tale

Derek-
I like happy endings. In telling my story on this blog if there are ever really depressing posts like I had last week I often feel the need to balance them out somehow with good news or some kind of resolution to my troubles. And I'm sure with all the drama that went down last week many of you may be eager to see what plays out for Anna and me. Without trying to turn my life into a daytime TV show, I'll explain the rest of our story.

After our big fight and brief time apart to cool down, we both gained more clarity of thought about our situation. When Anna came home the next day we both felt that no matter the outcome, we would both be ok. We don't have all the answers to all the fears, trials, and emotions we're facing, but we have been able to calmly talk through things. Having great friends who are understanding and willing to listen has also been incredibly helpful as I've tried to process everything.

 

We're taking things a bit at a time. For President's day we were able to get away together for a short vacation without the kids. We went to Sun Valley, ID and spent the day ice skating, shopping, eating, and perusing books in bookstores. We had a fun time, and it was great to have a chance to get ourselves away from the stresses of life and focus on each other for a bit. It really helped us a lot. It reminded us why we ever decided to get married in the first place. It reminded me that I really do love Anna and helped me see that I really do want her as a part of my life. We were able to sort out what issues of our marriage are due to me being gay and what other issues are just common to many straight marriages. If we're really going to work this out we have to make improvement in areas that we can change. So instead of focusing on the gay we're going to try to address other problems. Because the gayness is not going away. Like ever.

I'm not saying that its a fairy tale ending and we're all good now. Far from it. We will likely struggle like this over and over again. Living like this can be very emotionally draining at times, but for now it still seems worth it to stay together. 

I had some thoughts while we were ice skating that I'd like to share. We were joined on the rink that day with two other families. But these were no ordinary families. They were Mormon polygamists (FLDS). There were scads of energetic kids all over the place, a large handful of women in long denim skirts, and only two men. I half expected a reality TV show crew to be set up getting footage of it all. I was certainly surprised to see such a group doing a family outing like this, but it made me glad to know that even they can enjoy such "normal" activities as day trips to Sun Valley and ice skating.

I thought about what it might be like to be in the husband's shoes. I certainly do NOT envy him! I have a hard enough time being married to one woman and meeting her emotional needs. I cannot imagine the pressures he faces as he tries to balance work, children, and several wives. Although I disagree with the practice of polygamy for several reasons, I have to respect him and his wives for being so dedicated to a way of life because of their spiritual convictions. Their marriage situation certainly seems less than ideal and non-traditional, but it doesn't mean it's not right for them.

 As Anna and I have tried to make things work for us, I've started to see how "non-traditional" a mixed orientation marriage is. While we certainly have the very same difficulties that all couples face, there are other issues and concerns that are quite unique to us. I'm realizing that I can't make my marriage work by following the rules and expectations set forth for straight relationships, but that there are other adaptations that must be made. Perhaps for some people are just not meant to live the ideal traditional life with a wife, kids, a picket fence and a dog. Some of us are intended to live life a little differently, and that is a good thing. As much as I have tried to force myself into that perfect mold, I just can't make it work. And if Anna and I can't make our less-than-traditional marriage work, we all know that the kind of relationship I would have after that would not be remotely traditional. But traditional marriage is not a guarantee for happiness, as I have perceived in the past.

It's taking me several days to finish this post, so I'm sorry if my thoughts seem disjointed. The above graphic illustrates my emotions that I've experienced as I've felt my traditional life slip away. I made that poster for a class assignment around the same time that I started this blog. In class we were asked to take an excerpt from Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities and find a way using the design process to graphically represent the feelings that the literature evoked. I feel that it best communicates my emotions that I felt then and continue to feel as the values and ideals I once established my perfect, traditional life on have rocked and slipped from beneath me. I feel my world crashing around me, and I don't know if I should buckle down and reinforce what I've worked so hard to build or accept what's happening and allow it to fall so that I can rebuild using a stronger foundation.

 I feel so torn lately. I love my wife. Ever since I started being honest with her and myself as to who I am and what I want out of life I've found myself questioning if it is worth it to continue on the path I have chosen. My mind wants to just fully commit to Anna but my heart won't cooperate. Surely we can have a happy life together with our kids. Surely we can find ways to be fulfilled and at peace in our marriage. Surely we can strengthen our intimacy and trust.

 But then I ask myself: can I really continue to fight who I am for the rest of my life? Can I really give my all to my wife and meet the needs that she so badly deserves? I feel like I ask these same questions over and over. It's as if my mind has become so fixated on these issues that I have become obsessed with finding the solution. Is there no right answer? I'm not so prideful as to think that my position as her husband can't be replaced. I'm sure there are many men out there who could meet her needs much better than I can. I could even live with being replaced if it meant seeing Anna happy and secure. But the position I can't bear to have replaced is that of the father to my kids. I know that the ending of my marriage wouldn't change the fact that I am my boys' father, and I would always be able to continue my relationship with them. However, the role I have right now would change. I wouldn't always be able to physically be there as I am now. I wouldn't be able to parent them with the same kind of harmony with their mother that I'd be able to have if we were still together.

 As I was stewing over these concerns with a good friend of mine, he said something that really made me think. He said that basically what much of my decision comes down to is what kind of lesson I want to teach my kids. I can teach them that sacrifice and commitment to marriage and the gospel brings forth blessings. On the other hand, I can teach them that life and love is about authenticity and complete honesty with yourself and others. I can teach them that this life is about coming to know God by accepting who he made us to be and knowing what our individual purpose in life is.

 Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I can teach them both important lessons. It seems that the first lesson is a one-size-fits-all plan for happiness. The other lesson is much more personal and individualistic. What are your thoughts on this? One thing I know is that either path will be hard. Either choice will have it's share of trials and heartache. My story is definitely not a fairy tale with a picture perfect ending.