Driving Off the Frustration

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Derek-
This blog has been stagnant for a few weeks now. I've been busy with school and a huge group project that has sapped my time and sleep. I've also been hemming and hawing over not having anything grand or inspirational to say here. Then it occurred to me that I shouldn't take myself so seriously and just post something. This is a personal blog after all, not a Deseret Book bestseller. 

Anyway, as I read through some of our recent posts I see so much progress and improvement for my marriage. Both Anna and I have grown and learned much during the past few months. It certainly has been full of growing pains, but I can see that we are in a much better place now. However, there are always hiccups.We had a bit of a rough weekend. I was doing that thing that I do when I get stressed which is retreat to my own little world and shut out others, especially my wife. She was getting stressed and emotional from seeing me very little and having to deal with a crazy toddler who can make messes faster than a wild boar in a grocery store. Neither of us were the most pleasant human beings to be around to begin with, but then throw in the lack of sleep and the hightened emotions and anxiety that arises when it gets late and you have a recipie for marital ruckus. Also factor in the fact that as a gay man I tend to be more sensitive than the average husband and having two overly sensitive people under one roof can spell disaster. So days of quiet resentment turned into a verbal confrontation which resulted in me getting frustrated and quiet as Anna agonized over our future. Here's a bit of dialogue that followed in the wee hours of the night as we lay in bed:

A: I'm so upset right now...how is this ever going to work...I'm going to be alone and miserable the rest of my life...I'm so worked up right now I'll never be able to sleep!
D: It's hard to sleep right now because your mouth won't stop talking!!
A: You're so mean and insensitive!

Ok, so I'm not the most sensitive husband. But this little scenario might sound familiar to those who are married/partnered. I disagree with whoever said that couples shouldn't go to sleep angry because the later you stay up attempting to resolve a fight the more irrational and emotional you get. Sleep tends to resolve fights fairly effectively.  Except this one.

Anna woke up that morning and announced that she wasn't going to church, and that she expected me to take both the boys with me. I scoffed and told her I'd take the boys for the day but we wouldn't be going to church. In a moment of spontaneity, I packed the diaper bag, made some pb&j's, and loaded my oldest boy in our car and took off. I told Anna I was going to Idaho. I ended up driving all the way to Rexburg. I was upset and frustrated, and just needed a shoulder to cry on, so I showed up at the door of my best friend's apartment. 

Thank God for wonderful friends. Without me having to explain much, he understood what I was going through. He assured me that all would be ok, and that my marriage was not ending. He gave me a priesthood blessing, played with my son, boosted my battered spirit, and sent me back home to my wife a much happier person with a resolve to work things out.

And work things out we did. Having a bit of time apart allowed us a chance to ponder on important things and really assess what we valued. Anna really appreciated having a quiet home for the day without our toddler on a rampage. We greeted each other at the door when I got home with a smile and a kiss. I'd say we had a much more productive day than if I had stayed at home and we both stewed over the prior night's arguments. 

I truly love and respect Anna. She has such a strong resolve to make this work. Her faith and perspective amaze me at times. It's easy to get frustrated. It's easy to think that we'd both be better off with someone else. It's easy to give in to fears and speculations. It's easy to look at the rubble of failed mixed-orientation marriages and assume that ours will eventually end up on the pile. It's easy to think that it's not worth the effort we're putting into this. 

Yet we keep going.

We keep going because we hope something better will come out of it. We keep going because any other path doesn't seem right. We keep going because we can't imagine life without each other. I would seriously starve to death if I didn't have Anna. And if I had to take care of my kids by myself I'd end up in a mental institution. And Anna needs me to help her pick the decor for the home. And if she didn't have me she would never travel anywhere because she hates driving for more than twenty minutes. 

Anyway, on a completely different note, I'm trying to do what I can to help others on their gay Mormon journey. Uncarved Block and I have been talking, and we think that having a place for LGBT/SSA individuals to discuss issues in an LDS context would be really helpful at our university. BYU and BYU-ID both have a USGA, and we'd like to start a support group that is patterned after that. USU really needs something like that. So if you happen to live in Cache Valley or attend USU and are interested in such a group, please contact me. (there's a lot of acronyms in that paragraph!)

To those of you that read this, I hope you're all doing well on your own journey. I'd love it if you left me a brief update.