Dear Mom & Dad: I'm Gay. (Part 1)

Derek-
There's been a lot going on in my life lately. I went through some rather hellish weeks as school, work, and my marital troubles intensified. But I am glad to be on the other side of that as a college graduate with a new job. I now have a bit more time for other things, like this blog I've been neglecting.

On Easter weekend I told my parents how I felt about the church. I explained that my temple recommend was expiring that month and I didn't have the desire nor the testimomy to renew it. They were absolutely devastated. Then a few weeks later Anna went to my parents' house for a few days while I was thick in the stress of finals. There my parents asked her if I was gay, and she confirmed it. Apparently my sister was suspicious of a friend of mine that had posted pics of us together on facebook and they drew their conclusions from that. I sure wish they would have just spoken to me about it first rather than talking about it with everyone in my family but me. Oh well.

So after my graduation my mom handed me a letter in which she finally brought up that she knew I "struggled with same gender attraction." I decided that I would respond in like manner so I wrote her and my dad a letter. I'll share parts of that lengthy letter with you. This is the first time they are ever hearing about my struggles with being gay, as well as the first time they're hearing anything about my problems with pornography. Perhaps it can be of some help to those of you who are also just coming out to family as well.

Dear Mom and Dad,
As I told you earlier, I have lots to share with you. It is my hope that there will be more understanding between us as I explain in depth my struggles. It has taken me my whole life to process this, and you have only reached conclusions very recently, so I don't expect you to make sense of it all at once. First let me be very clear: much of my struggles both past and present are because I am gay, and I am doing all I can to keep the best interests of everyone dear to me in mind as I continue to navigate these waters.

I understand that this is a very scary challenge for not just me, but for both of you as well as Anna, and others who are invested in our marriage. Please understand that I am doing the best I can given the circumstances, and I am trying to move forward as thoughtfully and sensitively as possible. I'd like to provide you with some background to help you better see where I'm coming from.

I experienced my first physical attractions to guys when I was about 12, around the time most boys start to develop feelings for girls. Before that I can recall having nonphysical attractions to men as early as five that may or may not be related to my homosexuality. At a young age I always sensed that I was different from others, though I couldn't explain why. 

Because of the many misconceptions about homosexuality that exist both in the church and the community I was raised in, all while growing up I experienced great shame and fear regarding my attractions. So I did everything I could to hide these feelings from everyone. I had "crushes" on girls because that's what my friends were doing. I had a "girlfriend" in Jr. High (although only for a short period of time) partly because I wanted to fit in and also because I didn't want people to realize that there was something "wrong" with me.

In High School I dated girls because it was fun and I was friends with the girls I dated. I was especially good friends with Sarah. I have such great respect and admiration for her, and I even grew to love her. We had a strong emotional connection. However, as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I was not physically attracted to her. As hard and confusing as it was to break up with her just after my mission, I knew that I couldn't make intimacy in marriage work with her.

All through my teens and into my adulthood I continued to struggle with my attractions to men.  I would have intense crushes and fantasies about other male friends, classmates, and mission companions. I even experienced struggles with gay pornography. Although I discussed these issues with caring bishops, I never disclosed that they were of other men, out of great fear of being found out.  That fear kept me completely silent about my homosexuality to anyone until I was 22 and married.