Dear Mom and Dad: I'm Gay (Part 2)

Derek - 

This is the second part of my letter to my parents in which I for the first time explain my homosexuality and my struggles surrounding it. This letter is getting very long, so there will be a third, and maybe even a fourth part to this series of posts. I have yet to finish it all, so I haven't given it to them, since I want them to have the full explanation at once.

The church's stance and approach toward homosexuality has changed greatly over the years. Click here to see a complete list of statements made by church leaders about this issue. Two leaders that were particularly outspoken on this topic were Pres. Spencer W. Kimball and Elder Boyd K. Packer. They taught that homosexuality was caused by such things as having a distant father and overbearing mother, or from being abused as a child, or was the result of sexual exploration and/or "deviance." While in my teens and on my mission I learned of these teachings, and they greatly affected me. I no longer accept these claims, and thankfully neither does the church anymore, and leaders are now content with stating that they do not know what causes one to be as I am. I know that none of these things were a part of my personal development, and so I do not blame you or anyone or any choice I made for my homosexuality.

However, I grew up feeling that there was something very wrong with me. I felt that I was never good enough or worthy enough because I was attracted to guys. The church teaches that homosexuality can be overcome through self-mastery, increased righteousness and the casting off of selfishness. These things made me feel like it was my fault for being the way that I am. That I hadn't done enough to overcome it, and as a result, I felt terrible about myself. As is common with those who experience low feelings of self-worth, I would do all I could to compensate by being as righteous and well-behaved as possible. Sure, I had my many other faults and weaknesses, but you can attest that I was a rather stalwart teenager and an especially faithful and hard-working missionary.

Yet I was still very depressed at times. As I write this I get emotional thinking about the amount of self-loathing I felt because I was gay. Because it was so painful being this way I tried to ignore it and push aside these struggles so I didn't have to deal with them. I tried to force myself to be anything but gay. I have since learned the hard way that you cannot force yourself to be someone you are not. I was also very homophobic. I felt that if I associated with anything or anyone that appeared even remotely gay it would either give me away or have an influence on me that would "turn me gay."

I felt that by following the gospel and by living right I could be "cured" of my homosexuality. That if I served a faithful mission and soon thereafter married in the temple I would be free of my attractions that troubled me so much. I also felt that I could make a marriage work if it was with an especially beautiful woman. I met Anna only a few months after I got home from my mission, and she is certainly beautiful, both inside and out. Our relationship progressed quickly, and it seemed like marriage was the obvious option. I knew that I was not attracted to her the same way that I am to men, but I felt that because we were both righteous and committed to the gospel we could undoubtedly make a marriage work.

Because I had been trying for so long to push aside my gay tendencies, I never allowed myself the chance to study much about homosexuality or come to terms with it. I had no idea how much it would impact mine and Anna's lives. So I didn't tell Anna about my attractions prior to our marriage. It did not take long after being married to realize that it was not the fix-all solution I thought it would be. Not only was I still very attracted to men, but I found it challenging to make a marriage work with a woman.

I told Anna about my same-sex attraction (SSA) after being married for just over a month. The feelings were eating away at me, and she could tell that something was wrong. Just a few weeks prior to that I had confided in my friend Kendall about it, who suggested that I see a counselor. I did, and both he and the counselor urged me to tell Anna, although I didn't feel ready to. When I told her it came as a shock. We both cried about it for a long time. Off and on throughout the first year of our marriage we both went to counselors at BYU and to our bishop with a determination to overcome this. Eventually, however, the subject became too much of a strain on our marriage. We discussed "my problem" less and less until we both ignored it as much as possible.

After that I did all I could to lose myself in my work, schooling, and duties as a father. I did my best to live the gospel to the fullest. While ignoring it did make things better temporarily, I found that frustration and resentment slowly built up inside me. Because I was trying so hard to suppress my feelings toward other men, I emotionally disengaged completely from nearly everyone in my life. Because my SSA made any friendships with other men complicated, and caused Anna anxiety, I eventually shut myself off from my friends. My classmate, whom I came out to a few months ago, afterwards described me during this time as an empty shell, like a zombie who went through day-to-day activities with no emotion or connection.

I've struggled with minor depression off and on for much of my adolescent and adult life. I think a lot of the time I didn't even realize I had depression. It gradually worsened and became very apparent. For over a year I tried to remedy it with exercise and other methods, and eventually I sought the help of a doctor earlier this year. It has helped but it still doesn't seem like a solution to the problem, since I feel that it is directly related to my struggles with being gay.

Also during this time my doubts in the church began to build. I never studied anti-Mormon literature, but intellectually there were many things which didn't make sense to me. I had always allowed my faith to carry me and put these doubts aside, but over time though these doubts grew and grew, to the point that in my heart I couldn't feel that the church was true. I began to feel different and alienated in my ward. I hated going to Elder's Quorum because I couldn't relate to the other men in the ward. Attending church became an increasingly frustrating experience for me.

It was about this time that Josh Weed came out as a married gay Mormon on his blog. Reading about him made me realize that I too, could be gay and not just bisexual or same sex attracted. It certainly made a lot more sense when I looked at it that way. In a way it was a relief to learn that there were others in my situation, since for so long I had felt alone and isolated. Reading his story brought a lot of my problems and  issues to the forefront as I realized that although we were in the same situation, my experiences with being a married gay man really differed from his. 

All of these struggles (my depression, spiritual doubts, and homosexuality) came to a boiling point last year when Anna was visiting family and friends for a week and I had a lot of time to myself to think things through. I felt that the way I was living my life was very fake and forced, and I longed to be truly authentic. I was feeling terribly alone and misunderstood. The way the church viewed homosexuality as if it were a disease to be cured of left me feeling like there was something very wrong with me, and I became very frustrated with any of the views or approaches that the church had on this issue. I was full of shame and self-hate, and I knew that something had to change, for the sake of my own mental health.