Letter to My Bishop

There's recently been a bit of discussion in the moho blogosphere about the shame associated with pornography use. I wanted to include this letter to my bishop because it contains the clearest way that I can express how I feel about this topic. Also, I'm not trying to encourage harsh criticism toward leaders of the church, but I do feel that it is important for us to think critically about the kind of help we receive (or don't receive) from bishops and stake presidents who are just as human as everyone else. Since homosexuality is so misunderstood by the church, I hope this approach is helpful.

Dear Bishop,

I prefer to communicate with you this way rather than in person. I greatly lack in the ability to represent myself verbally, and every time I go to your office I leave very frustrated and feeling completely misunderstood, as if I’ve been attacked or interrogated. Your approach causes me to feel very inferior and defensive, and the added anxiety gets me worked up to the point where I lack clarity of thought or speech. I hope that this method will allow complete honesty and understanding to exist between us. In writing this I’ve tried to allow myself time to let go of much of the bitterness that I have towards you, however, I apologize if some of that still shows through. Please allow me first to make a few things very clear, after which I will provide you with some background that I hope will help you to understand my situation better. 

-          I do not view the use of pornography as acceptable behavior, especially for a man holding the priesthood of God.

-          When I explained some of my thoughts on masturbation you wrongly assumed that I felt the same way about pornography use. 

-          I do my best to sustain the leaders of the church and follow the counsel of the prophets. Admittedly, I have a few reservations which I am trying my best to resolve, but my behavior has shown that I do not intentionally defy their counsel. 

-          In no way do I try to convey myself as being guiltless or innocent, rather I see myself as an imperfect, struggling man doing my best to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

-          Yes, I am critical of church policies and practices. I think it is only natural to question that which is a large part of your life. However, in my questioning I’m doing my best to have patience with the church. I’m praying also for the faith and humility to understand the things about the church that leave me frustrated. I do not question the core doctrines of the church, just the manner in which those doctrines are applied. 

-          I am completely committed to my marriage and family.

I have struggled with addiction to pornography off and on ever since I was a teen.  I’ve known that I’m attracted to men since even before that. It was something that I thought would go away once I was married, but that has definitely not happened. Out of fear, I never told anyone about my homosexuality before I was married. Shortly afterward, I broke down and told my wife. This was an extremely challenging time for us. Thanks to the help of two wonderful bishops and an LDS family therapist, we made it through that first year of our marriage. I told them some of the very same things I told you. Although they didn’t understand, they did their best to help me feel loved. They offered me spiritual support. They gave me priesthood blessings. They met with my wife and I together. One bishop even called my wife and me as temple workers to give me the added spirituality I needed to fight the porn addiction. They tried to help me understand that it is not a sin to be attracted to men, but acting on that attraction is. At that time the sentiment of the church was that same-sex attraction is something akin to a disease (that has changed only very recently with the launch of the new church website, www.mormonsandgays.org) and so I treated it like a disease with the assumption that I would be cured through faithful living of the gospel. However, recently I have learned that my attraction to men is very much a part of who I am.  Just before I met you I came to accept the fact that I am a gay man and always will be.  These past few months have been by far the most difficult months both for me and my wife as we’ve grappled with this realization and what it means for our marriage.

As I began to learn more about homosexuality and the church’s teachings on the subject, I became very hurt with many of the things that the church has done and said about it. It shouldn’t be any surprise that because of the church’s attitude toward homosexuality, Utah has one of the highest gay suicide rates in the nation.  This and many other things rocked my faith and testimony. It was at this time of my lowest point of spirituality that I turned to you. I understood that I would need to face the consequences of my porn addiction, but I was so desperate for spiritual help that I was willing to go through that. I was expecting spiritual support and encouragement. I was expecting to be shown the love and hope that is part of the Atonement. I was expecting some guidance to my wife and I together that would help us to improve our marriage. I got none of that from you.

Instead, I’ve left our few meetings feeling more confused and frustrated than ever. I was drowning, and rather than being offered help out of the water I felt like I was being criticized for my poor swimming techniques. The issues with my marriage go much deeper than my porn addiction, and you chose to not only focus on that issue and ignore others, but to make it seem like more of a problem in my marriage than it is. Your actions toward me felt very punitive, with the objective of shaming me unto repentance. My wife also felt punished, as she was left to go alone to the temple dedication and to do temple work by herself. Not only that, but you denied both of us the opportunity of having a calling in the ward for several months without even asking us about it or telling us that you had advised the Relief Society presidency not to give her an assignment. This really hurt and embarrassed her, and just caused her to have more resentment toward me that made our marriage problems even worse. You threatened me by saying that my porn addiction would lead to divorce, even when I tried to explain to you that I was concerned about much more difficult issues than porn. Up to 85% of mixed-orientation marriages like mine end in divorce, even in the church. This is due to the emotional and physical dissonance and insecurity that exists when one spouse is gay, not just because of porn. These sort of problems contribute to my fear of infidelity that I expressed to you, which you totally misconstrued to say that I viewed porn as the acceptable lesser of two evils. 

I disagree entirely with how the church goes about the issue of pornography. I recently learned that Utah is the most porn-consuming state in the nation, and I am shocked and saddened (see the study here). The approach of the church creates a lure for boys as they have incessant warnings about pornography pounded down their throats from the time they are in primary. Not only that, but it creates a stigma that pits wives against their husbands and gives them justification to play up the victim role (that video you showed the ward a few months ago is a prime example of this). This worsens marital relationships, thus exacerbating the porn addiction. This only increases the intense shame and guilt that men already feel. This shame and guilt is fuel that feeds the fire of addiction, keeping the men of the church trapped in the cycle. Also, as with most addictions, the more reminders one has about it the more one is likely to succumb. Thankfully, you are not as absurd as another bishop I know of who insisted that the individual he was working with text him every evening to report on whether or not he had viewed pornography that day.

Your approach is focused on me having regular reminders of my addiction, and “punishments” that add to my shame. Shame and guilt is not a motivator for me. The hope and love offered by Christ’s Atonement is my motivation. The scriptures you assigned me to read are powerful, but they also reinforce the notion that I am to feel as guilty and horrible as possible in order to change, thus feeding the shame cycle. I do accept our prophets as divine witnesses of Christ who are inspired of God, but because they have been wrong in the past about homosexuality and other issues, I have a hard time trusting everything they say. When you asked me if I would do anything a prophet asked of me I told you no because I do not view everything that comes out of their mouth to be doctrine. Instead I take their counsel to God through prayer. President Hinckley’s counsel to pray to be released from the stain of pornography is excellent, but it is definitely coming from someone who has never been under the powerful grasp of porn addiction. Although nothing is impossible for God, I have come to learn that for me, I cannot “pray the gay away,” nor can I pray the porn addiction away as I have tried this many times. It is not something that can be overcome by fighting it head on. Instead, I view the addiction as a manifestation of unmet needs and imbalance in my life. Porn addiction is tied to my depression, my struggling spirituality, my insecurity and lack of fulfillment in my marriage, as well as the way I handle the great amount of stress that I am under as a father of two kids who works two jobs while going to school full time. I am fighting my addiction to porn by working to improve in these areas directly so that there can be a balance in my life. That is the approach I am using to work towards my goal to one day be completely free from porn addiction (for more in-depth explanation of this approach, check out this podcast). I was being completely honest with you when I said that my struggles with pornography have improved over the past month. I only wish you could have rejoiced with me over this improvement rather making me feel even more attacked.

I was very hurt when you immediately came to the conclusion that I was immoral and unfit to bless my newborn son. I take my role as a father very seriously, and I do not appreciate anything coming between me and my sons. I know I am worthy. My wife knows I am worthy. Yes, I struggle. Yes, I make mistakes that make me unclean. I am far from perfect. However, God does not expect me to ever become perfect until the next life. Until then, I have to keep working to be a better person and go from grace to grace, just as everyone else in the church does. The fact that you ignored the statement in the church handbook that one does not even need to be temple worthy to bless their own child leads me to think that you are using your position of power to make the blessing of my son as the “carrot before the horse” that will bring me unto repentance. Because I disagree with your methods so much, my child will not be blessed in this ward. If your opinion of me changes, I would like to bless my son in the ward that my father is a bishop over this Sunday, with your permission. If you stick to your judgments of me, we will postpone the blessing until we are members of another ward. We are doing this because we want the blessing of my son to be focused on the love that my wife and I have for him, and to be a demonstration of the gratitude that we have to God for bringing him into our home.  Since next Sunday is the first Sunday of the new year, we feel that it is an appropriate time for us to make ourselves members of another ward. I also expect that I will feel more comfortable attending church there so that I can get the spiritual nourishment that I need so much right now.

I’m sorry if this has come across as being harsh. I hope that one day I’ll be able to let go of my bitterness and we’ll be able to see this as a big misunderstanding. I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Derek