Hope Amid the Turmoil

These past two weeks have very much been a crucible for me. It seems that combined with all the hellish stress of finals, everything else that I've been struggling with has come to a head recently. I've experienced some of my darkest moments, and my range of emotions has been all over the charts. That being said, the sweet has come with the bitter, and some incredible moments have been sprinkled throughout the storm. I'm going to try to address all the various elements that have been part of this craziness, so this post may be a bit choppy, but here it goes.

School/Work:
 This past semester has been the hardest for me in my entire academic career. Creditwise it has been less than others I've taken (last spring I did 18), but combined with all the personal struggles and other demands on my time it has contributed to a big academic train wreck. I've never turned in so many late assignments before. However, I have some very understanding professors which has helped a ton. Thankfully I didn't fail any classes or lose my scholarship.

I've slept so little these past few weeks. I had so many all-nighters that I lost count. I rarely slept for more than three or four hours a night. Strangely enough, I haven't had to drink as much "unlawful" caffeinated beverages as I have in times past. I guess high levels of anxiety are great for keeping me alert enough to get all my papers and projects done.

I came out to my English teacher about a month ago. I was sitting in her office discussing my chosen topic for my persuasive research essay, and she challenged me to write about something personal, something that I think about a lot. So I told her a bit about the challenges I'm currently going through as a married gay Mormon. She was extremely kind and encouraging, and so I wrote my paper about the options for gay men in the LDS church. I learned a ton. I plan on posting it to this blog soon after I do some double-checking of of the data I used.

The other day I was talking with a classmate about the stress of school, and so I ended up telling her that I go to a counselor on a weekly basis. She was surprised that I would tell her that. It seems in Utah we have this fear of admitting that we're struggling because we are afraid that people will see us differently or think that we're not being righteous enough. But I've come to realize that everyone struggles, and if we let people think that our lives are peachy and perfect then it only makes them feel more inadequate when they compare themselves to us. We all have shit to work through, and so why don't we admit it and support each other through it? My classmate told me, "I've been wondering how you do it with two jobs, a full load of courses, and two kids. Now I know how!" I let out a smug grin and thought, "Oh you don't even know the half of it!" Counseling has certainly helped but I don't even know how I made it through. I've tried to surround myself with therapy in all forms. I exercise regularly, which is very important for me to do. Recently as things have gotten very hard, I've been blessed with great friends and family who have been there to support me and help me keep standing. (which is a great segue-way into the next element of my life).


Friendships:
Three weeks ago I felt very alone. Reading blogs helped, but I still felt very distant from people. Sure, I have old friendships, some great classmates, and a terrific counselor, but no one to whom I could turn to at any time for support when things got rocky in my marriage. That has changed. Partly because of this blog I have gained a small handful of gay friends. It's seriously like they started popping out of the floorboards or something! Now I have talks and texts and emails with gay guys all the time. I'm not exactly sure why but men who experience feelings similar to mine are so much easier to relate to and connect with. When my wife or counselor tell me, "It'll be ok," for some reason it doesn't offer the same kind of comfort and solace that those same words convey when I hear them from one of my gay friends. Even if they just empathize with me their sincerity means so much more to me. I suppose the reason it's this way is that it's part of my deeply rooted emotional need for a connection with other men.

One of these friends in particular has been terrific. I feel like I've known him for much longer than a few weeks. He has taken so much time to talk through my struggles with me, and his support has been incredibly valuable. Hearing his own struggles have helped me feel so blessed and fortunate. There were a few times that I was in a very ugly place spiritually and emotionally, and I have him to thank for pulling me out of that pit and providing a ray of sunshine in the midst of the storm.

Wife/Marriage:
I don't want to share too many details about my marriage. That's not the intent of this blog. I will just say that these past two weeks have been the roughest we've ever seen. We've stared divorce in the face. There were times that I lost all hope. I was miserable and my poor wife was equally as miserable. For so long she was mourning over our marriage and our future. It wasn't until she hit rock bottom that things started to change. She eventually realized that she could not continue to live with the attitude that her life held no possibility for joy. She came to me a few days ago with a changed perspective. I could see that she was starting to view our marriage with much more acceptance and hope. It was a beautiful moment.

There are those who wonder why I am still married. There are well-meaning individuals who have been through what I'm going through and have encouraged me to just end it now. It does make sense, after all, since it would be much harder to end my marriage 10-20 years from now, than to do it now. I would be able to allow my wife and I to move on and rebuild our lives. I would be able to be fully authentic in my sexuality, whatever that means.

But here's my thoughts on divorce for my situation: it doesn't seem like the answer. It doesn't seem like it will solve my problems and bring me happiness, at least not yet. I hesitate to use this comparison because I hate it when people compare being gay to having a disease, but here I'll compare it more to my marriage than my homosexuality. If a doctor were to tell me that I had an illness that gave me an 85% chance of dying in the next year, what would I do? Would I buy a gun on the way home from my appointment and shoot myself when I got home just because death is inevitable? Of course not! I would learn everything I could about my condition. I would seek the best professionals out there who can help me beat the odds. Although I would make the necessary preparations to die, I would do everything I could to get better. I would adjust my expectations and adapt however it was necessary. I would do my best to enjoy what time I have left in this life and make the most of it.

So this is the new attitude that I'm going to try to approach my marriage with. This line of thinking is what brings me the most hope for a happy future. This doesn't mean that I'm going to conform to the expectations of everyone around me. Instead I'm going to find my own way. I'm going to unburden myself with unrealistic expectations and put my marriage in God's hands. That's all that my wife and I can really do at this point.