The Ugly Duckling: Gay Mormon Style

In my last post I mentioned that I wanted to become unburdened with unrealistic expectations for my marriage. I realize now that I'm not even fully sure that I know what that means. So I wanted to explore this a bit and see if anyone else had input on this subject.

My line of thinking is that I no longer want to live with a false sense of reality. I have been doing that for many years in my marriage. After initially coming out to my wife early on, we took some time to address the shock of it all, I went to some counseling, and things got a bit better. However, the reason things got better is because we learned how to avoid the topic of my homosexuality altogether. It was just too painful for both of us to deal with.

Allow me to explain my situation with a metaphor. You know the ugly duckling from the well-known children's story? That's me. The point when I came out to my wife was like saying, "I'm not like other ducks. I don't walk like, talk like, or swim like other ducks." This caused chaos and instability in my marriage. It seemed then that the most obvious solution to this problem was to walk the walk, talk the talk, and swim just as all the other ducks in the pond did. This went on for over two and a half years. I did most everything I could to be theI best duck possible.

But something still didn't feel right. Life as a duck felt too fake, too forced, and too scripted. I wondered why I couldn't just get the same joy out of life the way that other ducks did. Loneliness and isolation set in. With that came self hate and loathing. There were times I thought I would rather be dead than continue being the ugly duckling that I was.

Just when I reached an all-time low, I spotted a different flock. They did not walk like, talk like, or swim like other ducks. They were swans, and I was scared of them. Then one day as I was looking at my reflection in the water came the realization: I am not an ugly duckling. I too am a swan.
With this realization came a flood of emotions. I was relieved that there was nothing wrong with me as I had thought all along. There was less shame in the way I walked and talked. I began to feel less pressure to continue the charade of acting like a duck. I even made friends with some swans and found that they were not as scary as I thought they were. However, this new realization was not without its difficulties. My duck wife was not sure she could remain married to a swan. My duck bishop ignored the fact that I am a swan, and simply told me that I was a bad duck. I felt as though there were no place for me in the duck pond, and I began to agonize over the thought of ever having to leave my nest of ducklings.

I've recently decided to commit myself to working on my marriage. By default that also means that I am staying in the Mormon duck pond. So what am I to do? How do I live without  the burden of unrealistic expectations? I cannot unlearn the fact that I am a swan. I cannot expect to be magically transformed into a duck. Do I continue acting like a fake duck? Do I act like a swan yet remain in the pond with the ducks? Is there any way of taking flight with the other swans? I don't know.

This blog post turned out much differently than I expected. I hadn't planned on carrying out that metaphor for so long. It just seems to fit the situation so well. This leaves me thinking: will I ever be at peace with myself? Is it ok to be a swan among ducks? Will I ever feel like an authentic swan? How can I find joy in staying in the duck pond?