I suppose that coming out to more people is a sign of my acceptance of being gay. I'm shedding the shame that I've lived with for so long. Until recently I've considered my gayness as being a part of my greatest weaknesses and mistakes. It took me some time to learn that sexuality is not just about a lust for one gender or another. It's about the kind of person I crave attention and affection from. Who I long to spend my time with. It has to do with the kind of person I connect with spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. It's who I'm willing to open my heart to and be vulnerable with. For me that kind of person happens to be men. None of these are bad things. They are core human needs, desires, and emotions. If you look at it from that perspective, being gay is something that can be quite beautiful.
It's not all butterflies and rainbows when you're gay in a mixed-orientation marriage, however. Because these needs are natural and necessary, it's easy for me to feel very empty when they go unmet. I'm grateful that my wife is able to meet some of these needs, but there still seems to be such a huge disconnect. This leaves me with an aching hole in my heart that feels like its only growing larger. This hole is manifested by feelings of depression, isolation, loneliness, bitterness, resentment, and hopelessness. I've tried and tried many things in an effort to fill that hole somehow. I've tried being as righteous as possible. Even at my most righteous time of my life the aching remained. I've tried being more devoted to my marriage. There have been times that I turned myself into something more akin to a servant than a husband as I doted over my wife. This actually had negative effects as it caused my wife to be more dependent on me and increased my resentment toward her. Being a damn good husband still doesn't fill the hole. I've devoted myself to my church callings, tried my best to reach out to others in service, and kept myself as busy as possible in my studies. These sort of things only numb the pain temporarily. I've exercised religiously. Consequently I'm in the best shape of my life yet I'm still unfulfilled (btw, anyone at USU interested in having a workout buddy next semester? shoot me an email). I don't know if these feelings will ever go away, but I sure hope that somehow, someday they will.
Depression is ugly. No one should live with shame and self-hate. I'm trying to turn to God and listen to Him in a way that I've never done before, to open my mind up to a new world of outcomes and possibilities outside of the prescribed framework handed to me. I'll close this post with one of my favorite songs of late that I find myself turning to a lot. It is by a Christian rock band called Tenth Avenue North, called 'By Your Side:'
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don't turn away.
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?
'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
I've been there, My Friend. I've felt that hole in my heart grow bigger and bigger even while trying to "lose myself and get to work". I served faithfully in my callings and doubled my efforts as a husband and father. It just didn't seem to be enough. There is a pain that we gay men who are married with children go through that will never be understood by those outside our little circle. I believe that I've begun to accept myself and it's making a difference. I can talk (and sometimes joke) with my wife about my sexuality. I can have an honest and open conversation with my amazingly supportive Mother! I have several friends that I can be honest with and it doesn't feel awkward. I know that it will take some time to make this transition. I know that it's still going to be hard. But I truly believe that it will get better, and it will get better for you, regardless of the path you choose to take.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. We are an odd lot it seems. I've come across many who have moved past their marriages and many who have yet to marry, but few that are in our little circle. It seems that everyone I've come across that is married is much older than I with grown children, which leaves me wondering: have I come out earlier than most or are we all just still trying to figure out how to connect with each other? I'd be interested to hear more of your story, TJ.
DeleteDerek,
DeleteI have always known I was gay. Like so many like us, I tried to change that. I suppressed my feelings, prayed, fasted, begged to change. I just wanted to be "normal". I served a faithful mission, returned with a resolution to be the most faithful LDS man imaginable. With this resolution, I set out to find my female companion. I met my wife at the U of U (many will argue that because I didn't go to BYU I was a lost cause LOL). We became best friends. I loved her (still do). After a Bishop told me to forget my attraction to men and marry this girl and love her so the Lord would bless me beyond measure, I knew I was on the right track. After 10 years of marriage, 3 children and faithfully serving in my callings as EQP and Bishopric, I just started feeling like I didn't measure up...by anyone's standards. We had LDS friends that seemed to have perfect lives...and it affected me. I kept feeling that I would never be what they were. I struggled with my being gay and had no one to talk to about it. About 2 years ago, during several Bishopric, PEC and Ward Council meetings, our Bishop decided to let those present know about a few issues with individuals in the ward. He named names and what the issues were. These were pretty serious issues and should have been kept out of the Bishopric meeting let alone PEC and Ward Council. This affected me as well...I had reconciled the fact that my being gay was not going to change prior to these meetings...but the bishops actions made me realize that my feelings were not going to be understood by the majority of church members. I read President Packers "bravado" over and over and the more I read it the more it felt he was saying gay people choose to be gay...Heavenly Father would never do that to one of his children (even with so many gay teens and their suicides making headlines)he made these bold statements. I just remember feeling so depressed by that. I felt broken. I had served faithfully, I had followed my Bishops counsel, I was faithful to my wife, I was an amazing father (although very depressed and moody the past few years). I was completely depressed by this point...It took it's toll on my family, I was moody, grumpy and depressed. I had to tell my wife. When I told her, she was adamant (and I fully agreed) that we could not go to our Bishop. Not only did he seem to lack empathy but he obviously has issues with discretion. We tried therapy through LDS Social Services (That was awful...the therapist was convinced I had been molested and I could easily pray away the gay). We started seeing therapists individually (not through LDS Social Services). Our Stake President (an AMAZING man) is aware of our situation and why we did not feel comfortable speaking to our Bishop. I stopped going to church in July and moved to my own place. It's not easy. I spend a lot of time with my wife and the kids still. Our families have been very supportive, but it is still hard. I'm certain it will get better with time. I'm certain we'll start to heal and move forward. I love the Against The Wall Blog I found through your blog. It gives me hope that things will get better. Sorry to ramble on...this is the short version obviously but it covers the main points.
Derek, your post is so much like something I would have written when I was in my 20's.
ReplyDeleteWhile every gay man must find his own path, based on my experience trying to find peace and fulfillment in a mixed orientation marriage is next to impossible. That hole you wrote so emotionally about can't seem to ever be filled.
As a gay husband in an MOM, you can make it work for 5 years, perhaps 10 years, or maybe even 20 years, but there will come a day that you will ask yourself why you have done this to yourself, your wife and your family. You will ask, "Has it been worth the cost?" According to the latest research, nearly 85% of mixed-orientation marriages ultimately end in divorce. Would you allow anyone you loved to fly on an airplane that had an 85% failure rate? Of course not.
I was devoted to my straight wife (who knew from the early years of our marriage that I was gay) and our five children for 30 years. I served in the Church with all my heart (I was the bishop of a student ward of over 300 young people at a local university). I volunteered in the community. I have a successful career. I kept the commandments and remained faithful to my covenants. Yet, the hole remained regardless of my best efforts to fill it.
It wasn't until I came out, divorced and began living authentically that I finally felt complete, honest, and at peace. If I had it to do over, I would probably have divorced when I was young and allowed my wife and me to live the lives were were meant to live.
My two cents...I wish you all the best in your journey and if you need someone who has been through all of this to talk to, please feel free to contact me.
You're comments and blog have been a great source of comfort to me over the past few weeks Clive Durham. Wish I had discovered it sooner. I'm hopeful that things will get better...change is never easy...and this is a pretty big one for guys like us. Thank you, My Friend!
DeleteI just want to add, Derek, that I feel as close to God today as I have ever felt. God loves me because he made me in his image a gay man, not despite that fact. All the best, my friend.
ReplyDelete