Holiday Musings

I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I love them because I get a much-needed break from school and work, and I hate them because I'm not busy working or going to class. It's strange. I'm quite a workaholic, and so going from working all day (and night) during finals and then having very little to do during the break causes me anxiety. But then again going to school causes tremendous anxiety as well. Meh, I guess I'm just always anxious. The hardest part was getting together with my side of the family. I have a large family, with many nieces and nephews, and I feel like I can only take them in small dosages. Whenever we get together, I probably seem like such a recluse. I play in the corner with my kid, sit on the other end of the room reading, or make the excuse that I need a nap. I guess I just don't fully connect or relate to my family. I feel so different from them. I always have. It seems like every time I see them for holidays my depression worsens and I leave wishing I had just stayed home. I wonder if any of my family has noticed or perhaps they just think that I'm always like that.

There have been some great aspects of this holiday break. For the first time ever I spent Christmas at my own home with my little family, and I liked it so much better than going to my parents or in-laws. It was peaceful, less chaotic, and I am able to be more in control of my environment. I also get to spend more time with my kids, which is awesome. My infant son is practically glued to my side all day and night, and he usually freaks when he's put down, but I don't mind having him as a little snuggle buddy. My other son is in an extremely cute phase right now. He says some of the funniest things and has the most hilarious antics. It's easy to miss all the little things in life like this when you feel burdened down with worry and depression, so I'm so grateful for the opportunity to take life a little slower and allow myself the chance to relish the tender moments.

The best part is that I've been able to reconnect with my wife. The stress of kids, work, and school during this past semester only exacerbated our marital issues, and having more time for each other has been very healthy. I have more hope now that things can work out for us, and so does my wife. It's funny how much has changed between us in the past few months. We've gone from being too afraid to bring up "my issue" to talking about it openly all the time. She's much more accepting of my homosexuality, and she's making great progress in understanding it all. Never in my marriage have we been so open and honest with each other, and it's great! It's all still very new and strange to her, but we're able to joke about my sexuality now. We talk about the men we find attractive and tease each other about our celebrity crushes. She asks me about all my gay friends, and she even had one of them over for dinner last week. That helped her a ton, because she was able to see how non-threatening and beneficial these friendships are to me. Today she kept singing, "Bromance." It's stuck in her head because I showed her the music video while trying to explain the endearing aspects of one of my friendships!

My wife and I like to laugh together over the drama that goes on in the gay community. You single guys know what I'm talking about. You all have the most interesting "interactions." I'll admit, there's been times these past few months that I've wished I were single or I regret getting married. I thought that life would be so much less complicated and happier if I weren't married to a woman. However, you guys have shown me that it doesn't matter whether you're single or married, being a gay Mormon sucks! (and it's made me appreciate being married.)

In all seriousness, we all struggle. We all have challenges. As a young married man, mine are much different than the rest of my gay friends close to my age (who are all unmarried). It's a completely different dynamic being married with kids, but I really do feel your pain. It's hard feeling misunderstood. It's scary to feel alone. It is miserable to feel hopeless about the future. It hurts to have unmet needs and desires. It is extremely challenging to reconcile our homosexuality with Mormonism. We stumble and make mistakes. We make asses out of ourselves. We hurt ourselves and those we love. We let our minds get clouded by emotion. We find ourselves riding the wave of emotions, feeling on top of the world one day and completely wretched the next.

But you know what? It's ok. That's what this life is all about. We learn what we need to learn, and we move on. We're not alone. We have each other. This community of bloggers has been incredibly helpful to me. I love reading about your views and perspectives. I love the exchange of ideas and the offering of support. The situation regarding homosexuality in the church is discouraging, but there is hope, and changes (as small as they are) are happening. I see all of us as being part of that change. I think it would be awesome to one day in the future be able to see things in an entirely better state than they are now and be able to look back and appreciate the role that we played in that change.

If you do feel like you're going at it alone, don't give up. Know that there are many who stand ready to accept you. Heck, feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I don't claim to be anywhere close to having everything figured out, but then again who really does? Helping others helps me because it keeps me from getting too selfish and self-centered. Also, remember that no matter what, you always have a God in heaven that loves you. He knows you better than anyone, and you've been given the trials you have as an opportunity to come to know Him and yourself better.

Christmas must have put me in a good mood. We'll see how long I can ride this wave. Happy New Year everyone!