Walking in Her Shoes

Derek -
I'm breaking from the norm here by inviting a very special person to write the post today...my wife! She's recently taken interest in the Moho blogging community, and we both feel that she has a lot she can add here. This way we can explore together what it means to have a Mormon mixed orientation marriage. I hope you appreciate her perspective. I'm sure you'll all see why I married her, and why I choose to stay married. We'll call her Anna. If you want to contact her directly feel free to email her.

Anna -
I'm glad that Derek asked me to write a little bit about my perspective on this blog.  As of late I've come to realize there's this whole gay Mormon community that I never knew even existed!  I've enjoyed reading people's experiences through blogging, books and video clips.  I've definitely gained a great deal of understanding and perspective concerning same-sex attraction.  So I want to add a little bit of my voice to this subject matter.  First off, I'll give you a little bit of background about my situation.  I grew up in a home where my Dad wasn't active and my Mom was always the one to take us to church.  She passed away during my teenage years and our family went through a really rough time.  I always longed for the days when I could be married and have more control of my situation.  My siblings and I went to church by ourselves and continued building our testimonies.  After graduating high school, I attended BYU where I met Derek in my junior year.  I was immediately attracted to him and we started dating pretty quickly.  We dated for about 4 months, got engaged and then were married 4 months later.  You could say we were on the BYU fast track.  I truly thought my life was set and after going through so much I had started a new little family with someone who would never let me down.  Looking back now, I realize my expectations for marriage were totally unrealistic!

Shortly after we got married, Derek broke down and told me that he had a problem with pornography.  I was completely devastated.  This broke the mold of the perfect life I thought was ahead of me.  I immediately had questions like "What's wrong with me?" or "I must not be pretty enough."  I went through a range of emotions from anger, to resentment, to complete sadness.  Shortly after that, I saw a message on facebook that some guy had sent to Derek.  It seemed a little fishy to me (nothing inappropriate, just not something a straight guy would say).  I think that's when I started to question if Derek was gay.  I confronted him about it and he told me that he's attracted to men.  Finding all this out right after recently being married just about rocked my world.  This guy I thought I knew was totally different than I imagined.  We started going to counseling, visiting bishops to get spiritual help, and did what we knew how to cope with this.  Looking back now, I realize that we were quite young and our knowledge was so limited.  A couple of years went by where we acknowledged the problem and there would be hurtful times but we never fully dealt with it.  So I guess this starts our journey together with same sex attraction. 

Over the past 6 months Derek has really started to address his attractions and what it means for him to be gay.  He clued me in on this about last September, when he really started to try and figure out who he is and what he really wants out of life.  I was very nervous about what his realizations meant for our family and his activity in the church.  We've had some really tough conversations and have done a ton of talking over the past couple of months.  Truthfully, there have been times for both of us when we've thought "How in the world is this ever going to work?".  During those times, I would think about my children.  They both mean the world to me, and I want to do everything I can so that they can be raised my their mom and dad and see a healthy, loving relationship.  But what about my own happiness?  I need to want this for me and not just for them, right?  There was a point where I felt so down that I just told Derek that he could leave and live a lifestyle that seems to be more true to himself.  His response to me was  "I'm not going anywhere." Through all of this, I always knew that I loved him.  That never changed.

So here we are today.  Some people would probably say we're crazy.  Some people would probably say to get out now before you invest more in the relationship.  However, I don't see it that way.  What I've come to know is that I'm married to my best friend and that our marriage is real.  It's not a fairy tale, but whose is?  Yes, we struggle and have bad days.  But we also have some really great days.  The pluses outweigh the minuses.  We've learned that we can't look at our marriage as a stereotypical marriage because it's not.  We have learned to communicate and be much more honest about things.  (FYI:  I would advise anyone in this situation to have full disclosure of everything before getting married.)  We still have a lot to learn and a long ways to go but we're trying.  I find that it's really gratifying to work so hard for something you believe so strongly in.  It has only brought us closer together.  And amidst the hard things, I can step back and see what a beautiful life I have.  I have a husband who loves me and is willing to stick with me through the hard times, two beautiful, truly amazing children, and a loving Heavenly Father who has allowed me to take this journey and become a little better because of it.

I'll end here for tonight, I have a baby that needs me.  In future blog posts, I would like to talk further in depth about certain things I mentioned here and other thoughts I have on the subject matter.