Becoming Self-Centered

Derek -
I just started reading a book that is already completely changing the way I think about marriage. I'm not so sure why I'm so excited about it but I've only read 50 pages of it with Anna and every paragraph leaves me thinking, "Whoa! This is mind-blowingly awesome!" You're probably wondering what the hell happened to me that has caused me to have such a stark change in attitude from my usual depressive moanings. Well...I'm not quite sure exactly, because frankly this past week was a heavy dose of hellishness mixed with spurts of awesomeness. Today I have renewed hope in my marriage and future, so I thought I'd better blog about it to keep things balanced (since meds don't seem to help me do that right now).

So anyway, the book (I promise I'm not getting paid to promote this). It's called The Self-Centered Marriage, by Hal Runkel (Anna already loves this book so much she wants to name our next son Hal!) We found it a few weeks ago as we were looking in the self-help section of a bookstore in Sun Valley. We read the title together and immediately we knew we needed it. Not sure why, but I guess you could say that the book just spoke to us and the trials we're facing. As it describes itself on the back cover, it says that it teaches "couples how to embrace their separate selves as a profound vehicle for strengthening a marriage. A great marriage is a self-centered marriage because it's a bond between two whole, centered people. Calmly focusing on your own behavior, choices, and moods (which you can control) rather than your spouse's (which you cannot) is the first step toward creating the relationship you really want."

This book is great for a couple like Anna and me. We have been extremely co-dependent upon each other for pretty much our entire relationship. I pretty much lost my individual identity when we started dating. It's no wonder that I had such a bad identity crisis as I sought to reconcile and accept my homosexuality. I believe that this book will help me as I strive to establish my own unique identity as a gay man and will help Anna establish her own independence as she accepts the reality of our situation. I'm very hopeful as you can see.

Allow me to share with you a huge marriage myth that this book blows out of the water:

Spouses are supposed to meet each other's emotional needs.

Back the truck up. That's a myth? I've been whining and bitching for months about how impossible it is for me as a gay man to have my emotional needs met by Anna and vice versa, and here you tell me that even in straight marriages that's not supposed to happen? Wow. Here's a few nuggets of awesomeness from the book:

"The truth is that you and your spouse do not need each other. What marriages need most are spouses who do not need each other."

"If our job is to meet one another's needs, then we automatically set up a quid-pro-quo relationship that is only as strong as the mutual cooperation of each partner. There's no reliance on personal integrity here, the idea that my behavior is driven by my highest principles, not by whether or not I believe my spouse is working hard enough to meet my needs. In this faulty model, there's only reliance on what you've done for me lately."

"The worst part of this needs-meeting model...is that by concentrating so much on our needs, we end up creating two very needy people. We end up with two whiny, immature people needing each other, always with the mind-set that if i don't get mine, then you won't get yours, and on and on. And when's the last time you respected an emotionally needy person? Never, that's when."

"The self-centered ScreamFree model of relationships is based on each individual taking full responsibility for his/her own emotional needs. That way spouses can freely want each other."

"It is not your spouse's job to validate you, to make you feel secure enough, sexy enough, respected enough, or loved enough for you to return the favor. It is not your spouse's job to meet these "needs" any more than it's your spouse's job to take care of your physical body.  Getting the validation you seek is your responsibility, and true validation is not something you seek from another; it derives from a strength of character within that allows you to serve another...without needing them to serve you in return."

Perhaps this seems very elementary to you, but for me this concept is huge. I am responsible for making sure my own emotional needs are met. Anna is responsible for her needs. It is ridiculous to think that we could ever meet each other's needs entirely. I need to be an adult and make sure that I get my needs met through other people outside my marriage in appropriate ways, and not in needy, clingy ways.

One thing I tend to do is emotionally shut down. That happened this week. My wife was crying her eyes out next to me and my best friend was bawling in another room. And what was I feeling? Absolutely nothing. I realized that I emotionally disengage at times to protect myself from being hurt. It's not healthy, and it's up to me to find ways to effectively deal with my emotions so that I don't turn into a zombie. It's not my wife's fault that I'm withdrawn and distant, and it's not my friend's responsibility to make me better. It's up to me. Not that I shouldn't allow people into my life that help build me up, I just need to own and be in control of my own emotional needs.

My marriage needs to be redefined and adjusted. With my homosexuality there isn't much that's keeping us together for physical and emotional reasons. Add in my shaky testimony in which I'm questioning many of the doctrines of the gospel and you can see that there isn't much spiritual motivation for me to stay married either. However, the well-being of Anna and my kids and the fact that I could easily be just as miserable in a same-sex relationship are what is keeping me in my marriage right now. Consequently I have to establish my marriage on the basis of strengthening my own character, integrity, and identity and allowing Anna to do the same if we really want to make this work.

There's much more that I've learned that I want to share but I don't have time to even attempt to explain it all. I'll end with one more golden nugget:

He explains that in your wedding vows, "you said 'I do,' not 'we do.' You said 'I do,' not 'as long as you do, I do.' You said 'I do,' for life. and that 'I do' is what gets you through times when you don't feel like it, when your spouse isn't sharing the same spirit, when you're tempted to run because your needs don't feel met. The 'I do' spirit is exactly what will lead you to grow as a spouse, and grow closer to your spouse, without waiting for him/her to make a reciprocal move. And that's why this book is called The Self-Centered Marriage. The first word you said in marriage was 'I,' and that is the word that will lead you to the type of passionate, lasting connection we all crave."