A Poem I Wrote

W(hole)ness

At the edge of the schoolyard, content to play with few
In the far right field, or sprinting the margins of the court
I stood outside the huddled mass of children
their quiet whispers filling me with shame
knowing that a part of me is different from the rest

Far away in a tiny village at a jungle's edge
with my band of brothers on both sides
I cast off my awkwardness and discovered my essence
while sharing God's fullness with a book
giving of myself that for a time made me feel complete

I told her that I loved her, that together we'd always be
But something eery stirred within me
I knew a strange small piece was missing from my core
Confusion racked my being
So at the edge of her driveway I left her standing sobbing

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

So young and eager to fill my gaping hole, another entered my life
She, I was determined would make me feel whole
In the center of the room we knelt
with mirrors on both sides to symbolize
an endless promise we made; trusting in God's blessing

It wasn't long after that I cowered in the corner
my heart breaking, body shaking
The secret I thought was buried deep
lay exposed to both our horror
It cannot be what comprises me; denying my own nature

In the center of the circle, cradled in our arms
a piece of me laid sweetly sleeping
I sent a prayer heavenward with trust in Him above
This small babe filled a portion of my gaping hole
My heart resolved to forever cherish and guard him

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

Slowly at first, then more each day my heart grew colder
That hollowness I'd tried for so long to deny
was feverishly eating away at my core
Those beliefs I once treasured were causing such angst
that with contempt I hurled them; they shattered on the floor

Feeling scalded by the only faith I knew
I grasped for belonging among the margins
Relief encompassed me as I found others
with hearts oriented in a similar manner
I ceased to loathe that part of me; my truth I did accept

In my haste for real completeness
I made my way to the inviting haven
With arms outstretched only a few steps away
I then glanced down to my terror and saw my ruptured gash
Another large piece of me had been abandoned at the gate

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

Feeling faint and remorseful yet with pain I did retreat
I gathered myself up, clutching my torn pieces
Consigned to live a life split between two worlds
Building barriers about; it's the isolation I thought I deserved
Striving to keep my battered soul from being further shredded

How can I know the truth, and with it be set free?
I'm left to long for wholeness while living on the fray
How do I live without denying part of me
For with all God's blessed me with, He also made me gay?