A Collection of Short Messages

It's crazy to think that it's been over a year since I started this blog. This past year has been a completely wild ride. I've learned a lot, experienced much, and grown quite a bit. I've gone through all sorts of phases and felt the entire range of emotions. It's been terrifying, freeing, excruciating, and incredibly challenging. I've experienced my darkest hours in the past year. I've felt entirely alone, misunderstood, and bitter. I've also gained some very terrific friendships and felt more valued, appreciated and supported than I have in a long while. After going through a year of hellishness I feel that I am finally starting to arrive somewhere. What that "somewhere" is exactly I'm not sure, I just know that I've felt more peace in the last few weeks than I have for a very long time.

There was a time when I used this blog to connect with other bloggers. I also used it primarily as a way to process through my experiences of being a married gay Mormon. Being able to just freely write anonymously was very therapeutic for me. However, these days I don't feel much need for anonymity. I'm out to many of the people that read this. I've found Facebook groups and real-life conversations with friends to be a place where I can be truly authentic and take more ownership for what I say and share. It feels good to have found such spaces and its truly a blessing to have such supportive friends. Because I'd like to still use this blog as a record of my thoughts and experiences, I would like to include some of my comments and messages that I've written to others recently. This is going to seem really disjointed, but oh well.

As I've grappled with finding true authenticity I've tried many different avenues. I met many great people through North Star that are in my very same situation, and it is great to have them to sympathize with. However, I'm not a true-believing Mormon and I've been frustrated with some of my interactions there because I'm turned into some sort of project. I don't want people to try to change me and I don't appreciate judgment when I don't conform. So, I tried out Affirmation by coming to the conference, and I'm really glad I did. Other than [blogger at In Search of Acceptance] I didn't meet anyone else that is married to a woman, but I did meet so many real, loving, and courageous people. It was extremely refreshing.

At the conference I was reminded that I am worthy of love. Sure, my marriage may not have the ideals when it comes to physical and romantic love, but it does have love. A lot of it. I have an incredible wife who is very accepting and is willing to fight for me. We've gone through some really challenging times, (this past year has been the refining fires of hell) but recently I have been rewarded with precious moments of peace and fulfillment. At the conference I felt reassured that things will be okay and that I am on the path that God intends me to be on.

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I'm feeling like I've hit a milestone in my process. I'm letting go of a lot of bitterness toward the church. At conference I felt the Spirit. Sadly that's something I haven't felt in a while. I feel a lot of peace about my marriage and somehow know that things will work out for us.It was so great to be with so many awesome and courageous people. People who accept you as you are and don't judge or try to change you.My wife was really happy about my noticeable change in perspective. She said I can go to an affirmation conference every weekend.
 

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Even though a gay relationship would likely be more sexually fulfilling for me, I'm trying not to make that a focus in my life. I'm realizing that I really do have something special with Anna that is worth working on and developing. I'm trying to take ownership of my happiness and not blame it on my situation. I could be just as unhappy in a gay relationship. Not only that, but I'd have all sorts of new trials to deal with, like loosing the respect and support of family, being a single divorced dad, and the struggles of co-parenting.I really just want peace in my life and to get to some solid ground. I don't have to be a true believing Mormon to make my marriage work, and I can still find healthy ways to express my gay identity. And I hope I don't have to vacillate a  dozen more times before settling on a decision.

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I have many friends that are pursuing same-sex relationships, and I am happy for their happiness. Perhaps it does leave me with some jealousy. I still have to work through why I feel that way, but any success in their relationship shouldn't be a threat to my marriage, and success in my marriage shouldn't be seen as a way to invalidate their chosen path. I have my reasons for staying married, and they have their reasons for choosing otherwise. Both our decisions ought to be respected. Something I've had to eventually accept was that I could be very happy in a relationship with a man. I've also accepted that I can be very happy in my marriage. My beliefs have evolved such that I see nothing wrong morally with same-sex relationships. Looking at how much "truth" has changed over time, I have a hard time believing that all laws are irrevocable. The phrase "wickedness never was happiness" can be subjective, because how do we define wickedness? Is wickedness anything contrary to the laws of God? Which laws? If I drink coffee does that make me wicked? According to that saying all of us would be unhappy because all of us sin and therefore are wicked.

What the church says about homosexuality isn't what keeps me from leaving my wife for a man, and I don't base other's happiness on their adherence to the Church's laws. I base my decision to stay married off of my own value system which is not entirely the same as the church's values. I can only assume that my friends that are dating other men are basing their decision to do so based on their own value systems. There's a myriad of reasons why either of us could be unhappy or unsuccessful in our life choices, so it doesn't seem right to presume that any failures are completely due to a non-adherence to a value system that is not theirs.

This is a realization that I've recently come to. It is awesome and freeing. Its taking ownership of my own happiness instead of expecting happiness just because of adherence to any particular law.

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Of course there are many appealing things about being married to a woman. You get the "traditional family," kids that are biologically both yours (hopefully), and you get the social and religious approval of your relationship. It's a good life. There are many challenges that being gay presents in such a relationship. There's sexual and emotional dissonance and frustration. Even before we were married my wife told me that she felt I wasn't as into the relationship as she was. And yes I still desire to be with men. It's hard at times, but she's patient with me and I try to be patient and understanding with her. In the past 6 months or so she's become willing to give me a bit of independence so that I can develop friendships with other gay men and that has been very fulfilling for me. Whatever you do don't remain in the church or get married just to keep up a charade. I did that for too long and it wears you down. It is better to choose the path of authenticity. For most gay men that happens to be in a relationship with another man, however, I believe there is authenticity to be found in a mixed orientation marriage as well.

And let me add that if you did decide to go the mixed-orientation marriage route it should be something that you both do deliberately without pressure from family or church. You would need to take time to make sure you're emotionally mature enough to work through the difficulties that may come. It would take a lot of open communication about how you'll approach those aspects of your marriage so you are on the same page from the beginning. Of course, all these things could be said of any typical straight marriage. My wife and I got married really young (less than a year off my mission). I was extremely naive about my attractions and we were far from ready to deal with the challenges of my sexual orientation. It has almost cost us our marriage, but we have been doing our best to adapt and grow together despite the challenges.

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I don't believe in the church. But it believes in me. There are good people there who have been very kind to me and my family. I appreciate the good environment that it provides. My kids need some sort of structured belief, and having that community to help me raise them is very valuable. I get bitter and annoyed at times and sometimes it is best for me to skip a Sunday or just attend Sacrament meeting, but there's always something that draws me back in (even if that something is my wife sweetly nagging me to go). I negotiate my relationship with the church on my own terms. Some teachings I completely ignore, while others I cherish. My bishop is completely understanding and on board with where I'm at. He doesn't push me to get a temple recommend or serve in a way that I'm uncomfortable with. I appreciate being able to help out in my calling as an Elder's Quorum teacher. It gives me a sense of being able to make a difference in the ward environment. I like being able to challenge people's deeply rooted notions and help them see there is another way of looking at things.

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In reading through these messages and comments I get the sense that progress is being made in my life, and that is so relieving. I've felt very stuck for a long while. Yeah, I am gay and married to a woman and I may always be conflicted in some way because of that. I will probably continue to experience confusion and frustration over my involvement with Mormonism, but I am accepting that all these aspects are a part of who I am and ought to be embraced rather than have one or more of them completely eradicated from my life. I feel like I've grown a lot emotionally and become much more self-aware in the past year. I still have a lot of ground to cover, and a lot of maturing to do. Even though I'm married with two kids I still act impulsively and inappropriately at times like a twenty-something tends to do. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past year. The good thing is that I'm learning a lot from those mistakes. And hopefully one day I'll come out the other end of this a much better and happier person.