There's recently been a bit of discussion in the moho blogosphere about the shame associated with pornography use. I wanted to include this letter to my bishop because it contains the clearest way that I can express how I feel about this topic. Also, I'm not trying to encourage harsh criticism toward leaders of the church, but I do feel that it is important for us to think critically about the kind of help we receive (or don't receive) from bishops and stake presidents who are just as human as everyone else. Since homosexuality is so misunderstood by the church, I hope this approach is helpful.
Dear Bishop,
I prefer to communicate with you this way rather than in
person. I greatly lack in the ability to represent myself verbally, and every
time I go to your office I leave very frustrated and feeling completely
misunderstood, as if I’ve been attacked or interrogated. Your approach causes
me to feel very inferior and defensive, and the added anxiety gets me worked up
to the point where I lack clarity of thought or speech. I hope that this method
will allow complete honesty and understanding to exist between us. In writing
this I’ve tried to allow myself time to let go of much of the bitterness that I
have towards you, however, I apologize if some of that still shows through. Please
allow me first to make a few things very clear, after which I will provide you
with some background that I hope will help you to understand my situation
better.
-
I do not view the use of pornography as
acceptable behavior, especially for a man holding the priesthood of God.
-
When I explained some of my thoughts on
masturbation you wrongly assumed that I felt the same way about pornography
use.
-
I do my best to sustain the leaders of the
church and follow the counsel of the prophets. Admittedly, I have a few
reservations which I am trying my best to resolve, but my behavior has shown
that I do not intentionally defy their counsel.
-
In no way do I try to convey myself as being
guiltless or innocent, rather I see myself as an imperfect, struggling man
doing my best to live the gospel of Jesus Christ.
-
Yes, I am critical of church policies and
practices. I think it is only natural to question that which is a large part of
your life. However, in my questioning I’m doing my best to have patience with
the church. I’m praying also for the faith and humility to understand the
things about the church that leave me frustrated. I do not question the core
doctrines of the church, just the manner in which those doctrines are applied.
-
I am completely committed to my marriage and
family.
I have struggled with addiction to pornography off and on
ever since I was a teen.
I’ve known that
I’m attracted to men since even before that. It was something that I thought
would go away once I was married, but that has definitely not happened. Out of
fear, I never told anyone about my homosexuality before I was married. Shortly
afterward, I broke down and told my wife. This was an extremely challenging time
for us. Thanks to the help of two wonderful bishops and an LDS family therapist,
we made it through that first year of our marriage. I told them some of the
very same things I told you. Although they didn’t understand, they did their
best to help me feel loved. They offered me spiritual support. They gave me
priesthood blessings. They met with my wife and I together. One bishop even
called my wife and me as temple workers to give me the added spirituality I
needed to fight the porn addiction. They tried to help me understand that it is
not a sin to be attracted to men, but acting on that attraction is. At that
time the sentiment of the church was that same-sex attraction is something akin
to a disease (that has changed only very recently with the launch of the new
church website,
www.mormonsandgays.org)
and so I treated it like a disease with the assumption that I would be cured
through faithful living of the gospel. However, recently I have learned that my
attraction to men is very much a part of who I am.
Just before I met you I came to accept the
fact that I am a gay man and always will be.
These past few months have been by far the
most difficult months both for me and my wife as we’ve grappled with this
realization and what it means for our marriage.
As I began to learn more about homosexuality and the church’s
teachings on the subject, I became very hurt with many of the things that the
church has done and said about it. It shouldn’t be any surprise that because of
the church’s attitude toward homosexuality, Utah has one of the highest gay
suicide rates in the nation. This and
many other things rocked my faith and testimony. It was at this time of my
lowest point of spirituality that I turned to you. I understood that I would
need to face the consequences of my porn addiction, but I was so desperate for
spiritual help that I was willing to go through that. I was expecting spiritual
support and encouragement. I was expecting to be shown the love and hope that
is part of the Atonement. I was expecting some guidance to my wife and I
together that would help us to improve our marriage. I got none of that from
you.
Instead, I’ve left our few meetings feeling more confused
and frustrated than ever. I was drowning, and rather than being offered help
out of the water I felt like I was being criticized for my poor swimming
techniques. The issues with my marriage go much deeper than my porn addiction,
and you chose to not only focus on that issue and ignore others, but to make it
seem like more of a problem in my marriage than it is. Your actions toward me felt
very punitive, with the objective of shaming me unto repentance. My wife also
felt punished, as she was left to go alone to the temple dedication and to do
temple work by herself. Not only that, but you denied both of us the
opportunity of having a calling in the ward for several months without even
asking us about it or telling us that you had advised the Relief Society
presidency not to give her an assignment. This really hurt and embarrassed her,
and just caused her to have more resentment toward me that made our marriage
problems even worse. You threatened me by saying that my porn addiction would
lead to divorce, even when I tried to explain to you that I was concerned about
much more difficult issues than porn. Up to 85% of mixed-orientation marriages
like mine end in divorce, even in the church. This is due to the emotional and
physical dissonance and insecurity that exists when one spouse is gay, not just
because of porn. These sort of problems contribute to my fear of infidelity
that I expressed to you, which you totally misconstrued to say that I viewed
porn as the acceptable lesser of two evils.
I disagree entirely with how the church goes about the issue
of pornography. I recently learned that Utah is the most porn-consuming state
in the nation, and I am shocked and saddened (see the study
here). The
approach of the church creates a lure for boys as they have incessant warnings
about pornography pounded down their throats from the time they are in primary.
Not only that, but it creates a stigma that pits wives against their husbands
and gives them justification to play up the victim role (that video you showed the
ward a few months ago is a prime example of this). This worsens marital
relationships, thus exacerbating the porn addiction. This only increases the
intense shame and guilt that men already feel. This shame and guilt is fuel
that feeds the fire of addiction, keeping the men of the church trapped in the
cycle. Also, as with most addictions, the more reminders one has about it the
more one is likely to succumb. Thankfully, you are not as absurd as another
bishop I know of who insisted that the individual he was working with text him
every evening to report on whether or not he had viewed pornography that day.
Your approach is focused on me having regular reminders of
my addiction, and “punishments” that add to my shame. Shame and guilt is not a
motivator for me. The hope and love offered by Christ’s Atonement is my
motivation. The scriptures you assigned me to read are powerful, but they also reinforce
the notion that I am to feel as guilty and horrible as possible in order to
change, thus feeding the shame cycle. I do accept our prophets as divine
witnesses of Christ who are inspired of God, but because they have been wrong
in the past about homosexuality and other issues, I have a hard time trusting
everything they say. When you asked me if I would do anything a prophet asked
of me I told you no because I do not view everything that comes out of their
mouth to be doctrine. Instead I take their counsel to God through prayer.
President Hinckley’s counsel to pray to be released from the stain of
pornography is excellent, but it is definitely coming from someone who has
never been under the powerful grasp of porn addiction. Although nothing is
impossible for God, I have come to learn that for me, I cannot “pray the gay
away,” nor can I pray the porn addiction away as I have tried this many times.
It is not something that can be overcome by fighting it head on. Instead, I
view the addiction as a manifestation of unmet needs and imbalance in my life.
Porn addiction is tied to my depression, my struggling spirituality, my
insecurity and lack of fulfillment in my marriage, as well as the way I handle
the great amount of stress that I am under as a father of two kids who works
two jobs while going to school full time. I am fighting my addiction to porn by
working to improve in these areas directly so that there can be a balance in my
life. That is the approach I am using to work towards my goal to one day be
completely free from porn addiction (for more in-depth explanation of this approach, check out this
podcast). I was being completely honest with you
when I said that my struggles with pornography have improved over the past
month. I only wish you could have rejoiced with me over this improvement rather
making me feel even more attacked.
I was very hurt when you immediately came to the conclusion
that I was immoral and unfit to bless my newborn son. I take my role as a
father very seriously, and I do not appreciate anything coming between me and
my sons. I know I am worthy. My wife knows I am worthy. Yes, I struggle. Yes, I
make mistakes that make me unclean. I am far from perfect. However, God does
not expect me to ever become perfect until the next life. Until then, I have to
keep working to be a better person and go from grace to grace, just as everyone
else in the church does. The fact that you ignored the statement in the church
handbook that one does not even need to be temple worthy to bless their own
child leads me to think that you are using your position of power to make the
blessing of my son as the “carrot before the horse” that will bring me unto
repentance. Because I disagree with your methods so much, my child will not be
blessed in this ward. If your opinion of me changes, I would like to bless my
son in the ward that my father is a bishop over this Sunday, with your permission.
If you stick to your judgments of me, we will postpone the blessing until we
are members of another ward. We are doing this because we want the blessing of
my son to be focused on the love that my wife and I have for him, and to be
a demonstration of the gratitude that we have to God for bringing him into our
home. Since next Sunday is the first
Sunday of the new year, we feel that it is an appropriate time for us to make
ourselves members of another ward. I also expect that I will feel more comfortable
attending church there so that I can get the spiritual nourishment that I need
so much right now.
I’m sorry if this has come across as being harsh. I hope
that one day I’ll be able to let go of my bitterness and we’ll be able to see
this as a big misunderstanding. I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Derek
