Monday Schmonday

My wife now knows more about me than she ever has before. It was a long and emotionally draining weekend as we discussed it all. She hasn't read my blog, but we talked about most everything I've posted on here. The timing was sooner than expected, but once the ball starts rolling it's hard to stop it. I don't know how all this will resolve, but complete honesty has got to be established if we are to build up from here.

On another note, this weekend I found out that one of my good friends and former roommates has come out of the closet. I've always had my suspicions about him. I don't think it's fair to assume that just because a guy has all the mannerisms that he is automatically gay, but with some people you just know. He didn't make any sort of announcement, but I figured it was a safe assumption once I saw the pictures of him and another gorgeous man on each other's facebook profiles. I am extremely happy for him, and I made sure to tell him so. It's safe to say that if I was single and had reached the level of acceptance and development that I have now, I would be coming out to my family and looking for men to date. So seeing my friend reach that point leaves my gut feeling stabbed with regret.

But when I think about it, I can imagine that if I were in his shoes I would have similar feelings of regret every time I saw baby pictures from my friends on facebook. Life is full of tough choices, and there is always some sort of sacrifice that accompanies those choices. I'm playing the hand of cards that I was dealt, and I don't plan on reshuffling the deck anytime soon.

My life is a roller coaster. Maybe because I live with a woman. Or because I'm gay. Naw, I'm pretty sure it's both.

A Happier Tone

Yes, I did just include a cheesy sunset beach photo in this post. Doesn't the sight of this just make your heart sing?

I've been thinking about this blog, and the direction it is going. The title doesn't entirely make sense anymore. My first two posts were about confessing my "horrible and abominable ways" to all the world. I felt like I had so much guilt and shame bottled up that I had to belt it out over the housetops. It was not long after I wrote those that I realized that I was done confessing. There wasn't much more to say. It then occurred to me that maybe I wasn't such a terrible person. Even though I'm gay, I've never had sexual relations with another man. I haven't even gone as far as holding hands or kissing another guy. I've never had sex outside of marriage. Yeah, there's the porn addiction, but that doesn't make me much worse than thousands of other active Mormon men. Not that any of those things listed above make one a terrible person, but according to the world view that I had at that time, I felt that I qualified as something pretty awful.

So a few months after I wrote those first two posts, I returned to writing my blog for a few reasons. I found the MoHo directory, and after reading through several blogs, I had a desire to contribute to the conversation. Another reason is that I needed it as a form of therapy. I needed to hash out my cognitive dissonance. I needed to make sense of all the confusion in my mind and do a lot of self-exploration. I still have a lot of that to do. I suppose another reason that has been a less conscious one is that I wanted to show the world that a mixed orientation marriage doesn't work. I'm not sure why I feel this way. Perhaps when Josh Weed came out I felt a bit threatened. Perhaps I have a lot of resentment toward someone like him that has a terrific marriage when mine is struggling so much.

If I've appeared to be a warrior against mixed orientation marriages, I'm sorry. Every marriage is different, and what works for some may fail for others. If a young Moho were considering the option of marriage to a woman and was seeking my advice on the matter, I would definitely give him my opinion by urging him not to do it. However, one need not base such a huge decision on my experience alone.  In all fairness, perhaps I haven't portrayed my marriage accurately. When I talk about my marriage, I'm usually venting. This blog is a place where I can say things I wouldn't say anywhere else. My marriage is not entirely shitty like it may appear to be, and this blog is where I hurl the shit from my marriage. The benefit of that is that in some ways, it keeps the house a bit cleaner (sorry if that lacks appropriate euphemism!)

So to be fair, and in the the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'll talk about my blessings. I'm grateful that I am able to be married. I read about many gay men who have zero attraction to women, which would make any kind of marriage to a woman an impossibility. I'm grateful that I'm not alone. Although I feel alone and isolated in my situation, at least I have a person that loves me dearly, and who tells me that every day. My wife's support and companionship has been a tremendous comfort to me for the past 4 years. She has been there to instill confidence in me and to urge me to be a better person in all that I do. She's been my shoulder to cry on and my friend to laugh with. I'm grateful for family. They support me in my endeavors. They love me and are concerned about me. I have terrific in-laws. One great thing about getting married is that you automatically have more people in your life that love you and support you.

I'm so grateful for my kids. Children came so easily into my marriage when there are so many couples, both heterosexual and homosexual, who for whatever reason struggle to bring children into their family. My heart goes out to those people, because I know how much of a blessing kids have been in my life. Through the worst of my trials, my kids have been my main motivation to continue through each day and work hard so that I can provide for their needs. I love seeing the joy on my child's face when I come home at the end of the day. I love the feeling of being trusted and needed by my children. I love being the first to rush by their bedside in the middle of the night to offer comfort and solace. I love watching them grow and develop and learn new things. I love teaching them things, like how to throw rocks into the water, or about the simple beauties of art (even when the artwork produced is just scribbles on a sheet of paper). I love dancing with my children. If you were to peek into my window on any given evening, odds are you'll see me dancing. I've learned how to hide my gayness in most aspects of my life, but when it comes to dancing, it shines through. My wife loves it but at the same time it makes her very uncomfortable!

I'm grateful for opportunities. I've had some great educational and work opportunities that have helped me to grow as a person. I served my mission among some very poor people. I saw how much they craved for knowledge and for learning opportunities. I saw how much an education could alter the course of one's life. I'm so grateful that I live in a country that values education and makes it possible for someone like me to go to school so that I can improve my position in life. I'm grateful for terrific professors that go out of their way to give me a meaningful education. I'm grateful that I'm able to pursue a field of study that I am passionate about.

I'm grateful for health, I'm grateful for life, and I'm grateful for hope. Hope is what tells me there will be a better tomorrow. It's what helps me push through trials. It's what guides my decisions. It's what leads me on each day.

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must of felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.
"Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

Warm Fuzzies

I have warm fuzzies right now. I just got done hanging out with another Moho that I met through this blog. It was awesome. It is a strange phenomenon in that someone I've only known for an hour and a half knows me better than almost everyone in my life. It felt so great though to just be myself, not having to hide any part of me. I'm usually shy and more reserved, but not with him. After the initial ice melted, I felt completely comfortable.

I was super nervous about meeting up. Nervous that he might be a creep. Nervous that I might end up completely falling for him. Nervous of what my wife would think if she knew what I was doing. The fact that I didn't tell my wife about our meeting may be a red flag for some, but I really thought this through. I know that our meeting was harmless. We both know it's going nowhere farther than friendship, and we both really need each other's support. I do plan to tell my wife about this sometime in the future, when it feels right and I've sorted things out more. I know that if she did know about this now she would be extremely upset and possibly blow things out of proportion, so it is really for the best that she not know right now. I can't keep something like this from her all the time, because my marriage needs more openness and honesty. Timing is key though.

He and I both acknowledged that our friendship is somewhat risky, and I am putting him in an awkward situation, given that I'm married, and he doesn't want to be any sort of negative influence on my marriage. It doesn't help that I find him very attractive.  But I really think we can be a positive influence on each other. Together we can help each other sort out the awful complexities of being gay and Mormon. Not just weep and mourn over our situation, but also rejoice in our gayness together. However, we will tread cautiously.

Being with him felt sooo good though. I loved it, and that's what scares me.

That Sweet Spot in the Middle

To say that I come from a conservative Mormon background is an understatement. To give you a general idea, I'm from a small farm town in Idaho. I have a large family. We're all active and married in the temple. We were taught old-school 80's Mormon principles (even though I have no memories from the 80's). When I was growing up, my view of the world was very black and white. Either something was completely right, or completely wrong. There was such polarity in views that I rarely saw anything in between.  Let me give you some examples of the ideologies I believed:

LDS: Good
Anything else: Bad

BYU: Celestial Kingdom
U of U: Outer Darkness
(I ultimately chose neither school)

Straight: Right
Gay: Wrong
(There were no gay people, just people who made really wicked choices.)

Small town/Farmboy: Good
City Slicker: Bad
(Not kidding, I actually believed this. My family has a video I watched all the time called The Buttercream Gang that enforced this view.)

Republican: The only right party
Democrat:  Of the devil

Conservative: Good
Liberal: Bad
(I was pretty far to the right. In high school my government class took a test to see where we land on the liberal-conservative scale, with most liberal being a score of 30 and most conservative being a score of 0. I beat everyone in the class with my score of 3. Now I wonder if I were to take that now against those same classmates if I would beat them again, only with the highest score...)

America:  The only place with freedom
All other nations:  unfortunate that they can't be us.

I'm very glad my views have evolved over the years and thankfully I have found that none of these are as I previously viewed. It seems like such an oversimplified, dichotomous way of viewing things, but unfortunately, many people still see things like this. Why does there always have to be polar opposites? What about the middle ground? It's things like this that got me frustrated during the election (don't worry, that is over and done with and I'm not going there). Why can't some people see that just because two groups hold conflicting viewpoints, it doesn't automatically mean that one of them is wrong?

That's also part of what's causing me frustration with the church. It's as if to be a Mormon you have to buy into everything that is uttered in Salt Lake or else you're an enemy of the church. There's little room for free thinking or exploring other ideas. It's the principle of being "either hot or cold, and if thou art lukewarm I will spew thee out of my mouth." If you question or doubt the church, you're crossing the line.

The other day I was talking with my mom. I love her dearly. With my changing views, however, we no longer see things in the same light. The topic of polygamy came up somehow. She was telling me about my great-grandfather who was raised in a polygamous home, and what a bad situation it was since his mom was the second wife and got by on next to nothing while the first wife, her sister, lived like a queen. Out of the blue, I changed gears in the conversation and said:

"What I don't understand about polygamy is why did Joseph Smith marry women that were already married to other men?"

Naturally she was defensive and asked me where I heard that. I told her, and she then said:

"I wouldn't believe anything regarding church history unless it comes from the church itself. People made up all sorts of awful things about Joseph Smith, much like how people make up horrible things about Mitt Romney today."

Yes. She actually compared Joseph Smith to Mitt Romney.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the idea of polar opposites. Since being a newcomer to the Mormon gay community, I've noticed that such a divide exists here too, regarding one's approach toward homosexuality. There's either the affirmative approach or the reparative approach (I hesitate to use the word reparative because it seems like such a charged word. I don't fully understand all the semantics, but I'm referring to the efforts to suppress or change homosexual attractions). Initially I found myself wanting to assign one method good and another bad, however, I've come to see the positive in both.

The reparative approach seems to offer the most to someone like me who comes out after being married, giving one hope that they can have a healthy, intimate relationship with their spouse and perhaps even eventually be free from homosexual feelings. Everything they value falls in line with the teachings of the church. So if I were looking for a support community you would think that this would be the one I would choose, but this is not so.

A handful of things about this approach don't sit well with me. First is the studies that show how reparative therapy can be damaging. I saw a video of Lee Beckstead on FarBetween as he was discussing his findings as part of a task force with the APA. He said that they found that reparative therapy was damaging and one of the recommendations they made is that patients should stop being told that they can change. Another thing I don't like is that they seem to push mixed-orientation marriages. It seems all their poster boys are in happy mixed-orientation marriages. I understand that Josh Weed has stated that his situation is not to be used as an example for everyone. Perhaps this is not intentional, but as I was looking through the Northstar website I came across a section that had quotes from General Authorities. The first was one by Pres. Hinckley about how marriage should not be viewed as a form of therapy for homosexuality. The rest of the dozen or more quotes were all about the importance of marriage, and to how to strengthen it, and were of leaders urging the brethren of  the church to get married. Talk about a mixed message. I've found for myself that M.O.M.'s are not such a good idea, and I wouldn't want to be a part of something that encourages it.

I also don't like how among this approach phrases like "struggling with same-gender attraction" are used in the same manner as one struggles with cancer. Homosexuality is something that is a part of who I am, not a wretched curse that must be broken. I also have a hard time buying the notion that I won't be attracted to men in the next life, and I will be completely attracted to women. It just doesn't make sense to me. Please understand I'm just giving you my personal feelings about these ideologies. I still have a lot to learn, and I could be misinformed. I could even change my mind about it later on.

The affirmative approach is the kind of thinking that has brought me the most inner peace. It has helped me reach a great deal of self-acceptance when I used to be full of so much self-loathing. The affirmative notions do seem to be on the fringe (or completely out of the church), but that's where my own beliefs are headed right now anyway. One problem is that they don't seem to fully address the issue of chastity. Another problem for me is that there doesn't appear to be a place in this type of support group for a young married man who is choosing to remain married (for now).

And so I am very conflicted and confused. In the FarBetween clip, Lee Beckstead said something to the effect that the ideal approach would be to combine the best of affirmative and the best of reparative. I'm still trying to sort out what that approach would be like. It seems a bit absurd to suppress every single homosexual thought or feeling and dismiss it as a temptation from Satan. Nor would it be a good idea to affirm and give in to every homosexual thought since that's "just the way I am." I like the approach of moderation in all things. I may not know exactly what that means, but at least it's where I'm comfortable.

Choices and Regret

I love this blogging community. It is allowing me a safe place to express my feelings, fears, and frustrations without backlash or judgment (thus far). Most people who know me would consider me a rather shy person. I seem content to sit on the sidelines of a group discussion, rarely contributing or responding. I suppose the reason for this comes down to my lack of confidence and my overwhelming insecurity. It has kept me silent on many issues, not just those relating to my homosexuality. So it is refreshing to find myself not just contributing but engaging in the discussions that abound in the MoHo community. It’s not that I feel I have a lot to contribute, because I am still so new to all of this. But my participation is teaching me so much about myself and has buoyed me through the trials I’m currently facing. I really appreciate the empathy and support I’ve received since starting this blog. 

I was surprised to see a blog post this morning from Invictus Pilgrim directed at a question I had asked him earlier this week. I’m always so encouraged by his depth of self analysis and awareness. I hope to have that kind of wisdom one day. I had been reading his post titled, MeaCulpa: Inside a Mormon-Mixed Orientation Marriage, when it dawned on me that I had the same feelings of regret and resentment that he recognized near the end of his marriage. I was struck by how he said that it was a tragedy that for so many years he didn't realize he was trying so hard to be something he wasn’t. I'm at that point where I'm acknowledging my own lack of authenticity. So much of what I do as a husband feels fake and forced. I’ve been trying to hide behind this façade of being the righteous priesthood holder and perfect husband. It’s left me feeling like I’ve lost touch with who I truly am, causing so much of what I do to seem meaningless. 

And so with all this confusion and regret, I worry about what may happen if I continue down the road I am on. Will I eventually get to the point that my marriage is so damaged that I lose sight of any goodness or love for my wife? Will things get so bad in my marriage that I’ll experience a divorce of catastrophic proportions? Will things escalate to the point that I’m cut off from my parents, siblings, or worst of all, my kids? Will I struggle through a difficult marriage for years, investing so much time and effort just for it to collapse 20 years from now? Those are all terrifying scenarios I wouldn’t wish upon an enemy. 

And so my question for Invictus Pilgrim stemmed from wanting to gain some sort of understanding as to how to prevent any such tragedy in my own life. I asked him if he had recognized the resentment and lack of authenticity 20 years ago how things may have panned out differently for him and his family. I realized after I posted that comment that it doesn't do much good to conjecture, as IP explained so well. 

It is so easy to get caught in that regret cycle. I don’t know how I’ll ever be completely free from it. Perhaps I shouldn't be living my life full of and in fear of regret, since it is bound to be present with any choice I make. It may be that in the end it doesn't really matter what path I choose, so long as I am able to be at peace with who I am and with my relationship with God. The purpose of this life is to come to know God, right? Perhaps what matters is putting my focus on growing closer to Him through whatever trials I face, and letting the chips fall where they may. 

I continue this search of who I am. I hope that in coming to know myself, I’ll find God there. 

Bromance

All of my posts have been pretty heavy stuff thus far. It's been great therapy, but I just don't want to get too focused on the negative aspects of my life, and particularly my marriage. So to lighten it up a bit, I'll share an experience I had just the other day.

So one of my classes was going on a brief field trip (within the city). I didn't have a car on campus to be able to drive there, so one of my classmates offered me a ride. No big deal, right? Well to me this was huge, because this guy is extremely attractive. And the kicker? His mode of transportation is...a MOTORCYLE!

Oh boy, that got my gay pulse really racing. In retrospect it's comical how excited I got over being able to sit so close to and simply touch another guy. I was in heaven as I caught a whiff of his cologne and felt his leg against mine. It's sorta been a fantasy of mine that one day some hot guy would wisk me away and we'd ride off into the sunset on his motorcycle...

Oh boy... I guess I'm just really deprived of physical closeness with other men. I can't even remember the last time I got a hug from a non-relative man. I wonder if I did have some sort of healthy bromance if that would help me not fill so empty and thus be a happier, more balanced person. It is just so hard to long so badly for even non-sexual intimacy with other men and to not have anything even remotely close to it.

With my new acceptance of my gay self, I've tried not to be so ashamed of the attractions I have for other men. If this same classmate would have offered me a ride a few months ago I would have turned him down and ridden with someone else. My heart would have been screaming, "YES!" but my mind would be saying, "that would appear way too gay, and you defintely don't want to give yourself away." Now my thought process was something like, "You know you want to, and there's no shame in the fact that the reason you want to is because you think he's hot. There's no harm in this, so you might as well enjoy it."

Anyway, I loved it. I pretended to show lots of interest in the bike itself, even though my prior knowlege of motorcycles is next to zero.

Since I'm on the topic of bromances I have to include this:

Love it.

For you Mohos who are celibate or in a MOM, do you have any healthy bromances? Is it at all fulfilling, or does it fuel the fire?

Struggles of a Mixed-Orientation Marriage

In my searching to understand more about homosexuality, I came across Far Between, which includes the discussions and experiences of gay Mormons. I think that this work is incredible, and I hope that it does much to educate and bring understanding of this topic among the Mormon culture. The one that intrigued me the most was an interview of Mandi and Mikeal Jensen. I found their situation very similar to my own, and I appreciate their complete honesty about the various aspects of their marriage, from the good to the downright ugly. They seemed so genuine and real, not trying to sugarcoat anything or put up a facade of mormon eternal bliss like I see so many couples in the church do.

Part of me really pities them. You can see such pain and sadness in their expressions. You can feel the emptiness and ache they experience. However, the other part of me is really happy for them. I admire their determination to make their marriage work despite the lack of passion and fulfillment. I can see that they truly have a testimony that they are doing what they feel God wants them to do. They certainly seem to have an honest understanding of the sacrifices they are both making by staying together.

Part of me also envies them. Even though they have their very blatant struggles I can see that they do have a great love for each other, as well as a strong friendship. In comparing their situation to my own marriage I feel that mine falls short. I really do love my wife but there is just so much emotional connection that isn't there. Perhaps it is due to the fact that they have been married for 12 years longer than I, and their bond has been forged by trials and experience. Whatever it is, I long for that.

Yet what really pains me is seeing how the emptiness and unfulfilled feelings never really go away. It seems that it is something they have learned to live with (or without). They do their best to focus on the positive, but you can't help but notice that elephant in the room.

There were two things that really struck me. Mikeal talked about how intimacy with his wife felt "mechanical." That in order for the intimacy to occur, his mind had to be somewhere else. I can relate. I can't say that it has always been that way, but it happens more often than it should. When two people are engaging in that great act of love they should be giving their whole selves to each other, but this is one of the sad realities of a marriage in which the attraction for your spouse just isn't there. Many times I feel emotionally mechanical. Like I'm just going through the motions, giving whatever I can to appear engaged in conversations, or to give off the appearance of passion, but not ever getting much out it. Many times it feels so forced just to give my wife a kiss or to do something that makes her feel special. I try to do these things because I know they mean so much to her, but they just leave me feeling so empty.

The other thing that stuck out to me was when Mandi explained that what living in a MOM comes down to is dealing with not being desired by your spouse. I can see how this aspect manifests itself in my wife in so many ways. There's the lack of self-confidence, the anxiety that she has about sex, the body image issues, the thirst and craving for affection. The difficult truth is that nothing she can do will ever make her the kind of person that I'm truly attracted to. That is a very hard pill to swallow for both of us, especially her.

I realize that every relationship has their troubles, but I feel like these issues strike at the core of marriage. I don't know how or if they will ever be resolved, but I hope that one day I can say as the Jensen's did, that the reasons they stay together outweigh the reasons for ending their marriage. And so I continue to dig deep for meaning and hope in my marriage.

I'm loving these videos from Far Between. Feel free to share what you thought of the video or anything else they've put on their site. Definitely looking forward to seeing what more they have to offer.