Becoming Self-Centered

Derek -
I just started reading a book that is already completely changing the way I think about marriage. I'm not so sure why I'm so excited about it but I've only read 50 pages of it with Anna and every paragraph leaves me thinking, "Whoa! This is mind-blowingly awesome!" You're probably wondering what the hell happened to me that has caused me to have such a stark change in attitude from my usual depressive moanings. Well...I'm not quite sure exactly, because frankly this past week was a heavy dose of hellishness mixed with spurts of awesomeness. Today I have renewed hope in my marriage and future, so I thought I'd better blog about it to keep things balanced (since meds don't seem to help me do that right now).

So anyway, the book (I promise I'm not getting paid to promote this). It's called The Self-Centered Marriage, by Hal Runkel (Anna already loves this book so much she wants to name our next son Hal!) We found it a few weeks ago as we were looking in the self-help section of a bookstore in Sun Valley. We read the title together and immediately we knew we needed it. Not sure why, but I guess you could say that the book just spoke to us and the trials we're facing. As it describes itself on the back cover, it says that it teaches "couples how to embrace their separate selves as a profound vehicle for strengthening a marriage. A great marriage is a self-centered marriage because it's a bond between two whole, centered people. Calmly focusing on your own behavior, choices, and moods (which you can control) rather than your spouse's (which you cannot) is the first step toward creating the relationship you really want."

This book is great for a couple like Anna and me. We have been extremely co-dependent upon each other for pretty much our entire relationship. I pretty much lost my individual identity when we started dating. It's no wonder that I had such a bad identity crisis as I sought to reconcile and accept my homosexuality. I believe that this book will help me as I strive to establish my own unique identity as a gay man and will help Anna establish her own independence as she accepts the reality of our situation. I'm very hopeful as you can see.

Allow me to share with you a huge marriage myth that this book blows out of the water:

Spouses are supposed to meet each other's emotional needs.

Back the truck up. That's a myth? I've been whining and bitching for months about how impossible it is for me as a gay man to have my emotional needs met by Anna and vice versa, and here you tell me that even in straight marriages that's not supposed to happen? Wow. Here's a few nuggets of awesomeness from the book:

"The truth is that you and your spouse do not need each other. What marriages need most are spouses who do not need each other."

"If our job is to meet one another's needs, then we automatically set up a quid-pro-quo relationship that is only as strong as the mutual cooperation of each partner. There's no reliance on personal integrity here, the idea that my behavior is driven by my highest principles, not by whether or not I believe my spouse is working hard enough to meet my needs. In this faulty model, there's only reliance on what you've done for me lately."

"The worst part of this needs-meeting model...is that by concentrating so much on our needs, we end up creating two very needy people. We end up with two whiny, immature people needing each other, always with the mind-set that if i don't get mine, then you won't get yours, and on and on. And when's the last time you respected an emotionally needy person? Never, that's when."

"The self-centered ScreamFree model of relationships is based on each individual taking full responsibility for his/her own emotional needs. That way spouses can freely want each other."

"It is not your spouse's job to validate you, to make you feel secure enough, sexy enough, respected enough, or loved enough for you to return the favor. It is not your spouse's job to meet these "needs" any more than it's your spouse's job to take care of your physical body.  Getting the validation you seek is your responsibility, and true validation is not something you seek from another; it derives from a strength of character within that allows you to serve another...without needing them to serve you in return."

Perhaps this seems very elementary to you, but for me this concept is huge. I am responsible for making sure my own emotional needs are met. Anna is responsible for her needs. It is ridiculous to think that we could ever meet each other's needs entirely. I need to be an adult and make sure that I get my needs met through other people outside my marriage in appropriate ways, and not in needy, clingy ways.

One thing I tend to do is emotionally shut down. That happened this week. My wife was crying her eyes out next to me and my best friend was bawling in another room. And what was I feeling? Absolutely nothing. I realized that I emotionally disengage at times to protect myself from being hurt. It's not healthy, and it's up to me to find ways to effectively deal with my emotions so that I don't turn into a zombie. It's not my wife's fault that I'm withdrawn and distant, and it's not my friend's responsibility to make me better. It's up to me. Not that I shouldn't allow people into my life that help build me up, I just need to own and be in control of my own emotional needs.

My marriage needs to be redefined and adjusted. With my homosexuality there isn't much that's keeping us together for physical and emotional reasons. Add in my shaky testimony in which I'm questioning many of the doctrines of the gospel and you can see that there isn't much spiritual motivation for me to stay married either. However, the well-being of Anna and my kids and the fact that I could easily be just as miserable in a same-sex relationship are what is keeping me in my marriage right now. Consequently I have to establish my marriage on the basis of strengthening my own character, integrity, and identity and allowing Anna to do the same if we really want to make this work.

There's much more that I've learned that I want to share but I don't have time to even attempt to explain it all. I'll end with one more golden nugget:

He explains that in your wedding vows, "you said 'I do,' not 'we do.' You said 'I do,' not 'as long as you do, I do.' You said 'I do,' for life. and that 'I do' is what gets you through times when you don't feel like it, when your spouse isn't sharing the same spirit, when you're tempted to run because your needs don't feel met. The 'I do' spirit is exactly what will lead you to grow as a spouse, and grow closer to your spouse, without waiting for him/her to make a reciprocal move. And that's why this book is called The Self-Centered Marriage. The first word you said in marriage was 'I,' and that is the word that will lead you to the type of passionate, lasting connection we all crave."

No Fairy Tale

Derek-
I like happy endings. In telling my story on this blog if there are ever really depressing posts like I had last week I often feel the need to balance them out somehow with good news or some kind of resolution to my troubles. And I'm sure with all the drama that went down last week many of you may be eager to see what plays out for Anna and me. Without trying to turn my life into a daytime TV show, I'll explain the rest of our story.

After our big fight and brief time apart to cool down, we both gained more clarity of thought about our situation. When Anna came home the next day we both felt that no matter the outcome, we would both be ok. We don't have all the answers to all the fears, trials, and emotions we're facing, but we have been able to calmly talk through things. Having great friends who are understanding and willing to listen has also been incredibly helpful as I've tried to process everything.

 

We're taking things a bit at a time. For President's day we were able to get away together for a short vacation without the kids. We went to Sun Valley, ID and spent the day ice skating, shopping, eating, and perusing books in bookstores. We had a fun time, and it was great to have a chance to get ourselves away from the stresses of life and focus on each other for a bit. It really helped us a lot. It reminded us why we ever decided to get married in the first place. It reminded me that I really do love Anna and helped me see that I really do want her as a part of my life. We were able to sort out what issues of our marriage are due to me being gay and what other issues are just common to many straight marriages. If we're really going to work this out we have to make improvement in areas that we can change. So instead of focusing on the gay we're going to try to address other problems. Because the gayness is not going away. Like ever.

I'm not saying that its a fairy tale ending and we're all good now. Far from it. We will likely struggle like this over and over again. Living like this can be very emotionally draining at times, but for now it still seems worth it to stay together. 

I had some thoughts while we were ice skating that I'd like to share. We were joined on the rink that day with two other families. But these were no ordinary families. They were Mormon polygamists (FLDS). There were scads of energetic kids all over the place, a large handful of women in long denim skirts, and only two men. I half expected a reality TV show crew to be set up getting footage of it all. I was certainly surprised to see such a group doing a family outing like this, but it made me glad to know that even they can enjoy such "normal" activities as day trips to Sun Valley and ice skating.

I thought about what it might be like to be in the husband's shoes. I certainly do NOT envy him! I have a hard enough time being married to one woman and meeting her emotional needs. I cannot imagine the pressures he faces as he tries to balance work, children, and several wives. Although I disagree with the practice of polygamy for several reasons, I have to respect him and his wives for being so dedicated to a way of life because of their spiritual convictions. Their marriage situation certainly seems less than ideal and non-traditional, but it doesn't mean it's not right for them.

 As Anna and I have tried to make things work for us, I've started to see how "non-traditional" a mixed orientation marriage is. While we certainly have the very same difficulties that all couples face, there are other issues and concerns that are quite unique to us. I'm realizing that I can't make my marriage work by following the rules and expectations set forth for straight relationships, but that there are other adaptations that must be made. Perhaps for some people are just not meant to live the ideal traditional life with a wife, kids, a picket fence and a dog. Some of us are intended to live life a little differently, and that is a good thing. As much as I have tried to force myself into that perfect mold, I just can't make it work. And if Anna and I can't make our less-than-traditional marriage work, we all know that the kind of relationship I would have after that would not be remotely traditional. But traditional marriage is not a guarantee for happiness, as I have perceived in the past.

It's taking me several days to finish this post, so I'm sorry if my thoughts seem disjointed. The above graphic illustrates my emotions that I've experienced as I've felt my traditional life slip away. I made that poster for a class assignment around the same time that I started this blog. In class we were asked to take an excerpt from Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities and find a way using the design process to graphically represent the feelings that the literature evoked. I feel that it best communicates my emotions that I felt then and continue to feel as the values and ideals I once established my perfect, traditional life on have rocked and slipped from beneath me. I feel my world crashing around me, and I don't know if I should buckle down and reinforce what I've worked so hard to build or accept what's happening and allow it to fall so that I can rebuild using a stronger foundation.

 I feel so torn lately. I love my wife. Ever since I started being honest with her and myself as to who I am and what I want out of life I've found myself questioning if it is worth it to continue on the path I have chosen. My mind wants to just fully commit to Anna but my heart won't cooperate. Surely we can have a happy life together with our kids. Surely we can find ways to be fulfilled and at peace in our marriage. Surely we can strengthen our intimacy and trust.

 But then I ask myself: can I really continue to fight who I am for the rest of my life? Can I really give my all to my wife and meet the needs that she so badly deserves? I feel like I ask these same questions over and over. It's as if my mind has become so fixated on these issues that I have become obsessed with finding the solution. Is there no right answer? I'm not so prideful as to think that my position as her husband can't be replaced. I'm sure there are many men out there who could meet her needs much better than I can. I could even live with being replaced if it meant seeing Anna happy and secure. But the position I can't bear to have replaced is that of the father to my kids. I know that the ending of my marriage wouldn't change the fact that I am my boys' father, and I would always be able to continue my relationship with them. However, the role I have right now would change. I wouldn't always be able to physically be there as I am now. I wouldn't be able to parent them with the same kind of harmony with their mother that I'd be able to have if we were still together.

 As I was stewing over these concerns with a good friend of mine, he said something that really made me think. He said that basically what much of my decision comes down to is what kind of lesson I want to teach my kids. I can teach them that sacrifice and commitment to marriage and the gospel brings forth blessings. On the other hand, I can teach them that life and love is about authenticity and complete honesty with yourself and others. I can teach them that this life is about coming to know God by accepting who he made us to be and knowing what our individual purpose in life is.

 Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I can teach them both important lessons. It seems that the first lesson is a one-size-fits-all plan for happiness. The other lesson is much more personal and individualistic. What are your thoughts on this? One thing I know is that either path will be hard. Either choice will have it's share of trials and heartache. My story is definitely not a fairy tale with a picture perfect ending.  

Alone

Derek-
One week. That's all it took for certain events to take place that would send my world crashing down. Or at least it seems like it.

Allow me to provide some background. Very early in my marriage as I was struggling with my attraction to men I went through some very dark times. At least they seemed that way then. Now in comparison to what I've gone through these past 6 months they don't seem too terrible after all. I had been feeling very alone and misunderstood and was so confused about these feelings I was having. I craved understanding from people who were also gay. I found my way onto a gay social media website. Through that site, I made friends with "Jed." He's 5 years older than me, had stopped going to church, and had already been in a few gay relationships. There was nothing inappropriate about our friendship; he was just a guy who was kind enough to befriend a very confused and scared newly married gay man. We never met in person, nor did we talk on the phone. We just IM'ed each other a few times a week, and his friendship helped me. I found myself struggling less with porn and feeling slightly better about my situation. However, the thing I did wrong was not tell my wife about this. When she caught me messaging a stranger online who is also gay, she asked me to end the friendship. So I did.

Six months later I found myself chatting to him again. Again I hid it from my wife out of fear of hurting or confronting her. When she caught me messaging Jed again she was very hurt, and again I ended the friendship. I became determined to shut him out of my life as well as any men I was at risk of being attracted to. After this I went through a very long and lonely period in which I hardly had any friends. I did a poor job of keeping in touch with my former roommates, mission friends, and high school buddies. I emotionally disengaged so much that I struggled to connect with others, even with my family.

Then I went through this whole crisis with my faith and marriage that this blog talks all about. Things changed a lot, and as I became more open with Anna, she finally came to greater acceptance of me and our situation. Things got better. I gained support and emotional bonds with other men through this blog. I gained an incredible best friend. My struggles with porn seemed like a thing of the past because I finally was having emotional needs met.

Earlier this month I checked my old email address that I hadn't used in over a year nor checked in several months. I found an email that Jed had sent me that very day. He said he woke up that day thinking about me and wanted to see how my family and I were doing. We began exchanging emails and texts. As it turns out, he had recently moved to Cache Valley. We decided we should hang out sometime.

A week ago I met him at the gym to work out together. We had a good time catching up on everything that had gone on in our lives the past two and a half years. It was very casual, and I told my wife about it. She told me she trusted me. On Saturday we hung out again. We studied together on campus and watched a TV show. I knew I was very attracted to him, but I trusted that everything would be fine. We texted each other a lot, and on Monday evening he met me on campus to study together again. That night it became very clear that we both had strong feelings for each other. We both decided that to continue the friendship at the rate it was developing would create something that would be very difficult to pull the brakes on any further down the road. It was not an easy thing to accept, but he respects my marriage, and we both knew it was for the best.

Over the weekend Anna had noticed a change about me. On Monday and Tuesday I had gotten very quiet and withdrawn like I usually do when something is wrong. I knew she could tell, so I decided to be open and honest with her about Jed. Last night I confessed to her that I had allowed myself to develop feelings for him. I explained that we had ended things, but she was extremely hurt nonetheless. Through tears she said it would be best for us to get a divorce. This topic has been brought up so many times in our marriage and especially during the past six months, however, for the first time I found myself not fighting her on it. I don’t know if divorce is the right thing for us to do, but I’ve really lost hope that this will work out. I feel like I’ve tried so many things to have our needs met in our marriage, but each time I have failed. The fact that I’ve allowed myself to develop feelings for a guy that reciprocates them feels like the greatest of my failures. It totally hit my wife at her deepest anxieties and crushed her. I feel like the doom that has been looming over my marriage from the beginning has only gotten larger and darker.

Anna reached a breaking point. Up until this point she has told no one close to her about me or our marriage troubles. She finally decided to call my brother’s wife, whom she is very close to. I put my 2-year old to bed and sobbed heavily as I rocked him. I could hear Anna’s sobs in the other room as I called my best friend, looking for some comfort. When I had told him previously about Jed, I was very surprised by his reaction, which made me feel like he didn’t trust me. Because of that, I lied to him about any further interactions with Jed. When I called him last night and told him everything that had just taken place, and confessed of my lie he became very hurt and hung up on me.

I spent a horribly lonely and rough night on the recliner. I’ve been in a haze all day, holding back tears and feeling full of guilt and regret. Tonight my home is quiet. My oldest boy is asleep, and Anna and the baby have left town. I’m listening to my Kris Allen album on repeat, fighting back tears and aching all over. I feel so alone. My actions have hurt my wife and my best friend. Because of all this I may end up divorced. I may end up being separated from my beloved boys.

I hope the time apart from each other gives Anna and me a chance to sort things through. I don’t know what will happen next but I’m so scared. Why didn’t I lock my heart when I got married? Why have I allowed my attractions to develop into something with the potential to be very damaging to my family? I feel so stupid and angry at myself. I wish I knew how to resolve all this. I have no answers.

Kris Allen keeps singing in my headphones.

Life's been blinding me 

From what I thought I'd see 

Is there clarity in this insanity? (yeah)  

Whats she want from me? (yeah)
 

Roads in front of me 

Taking me astray  

Are you leaving me? 

Or are you leading the way?  

Can you hear what I'm sayin'?

 
I need to know...   

I need to know... 

I need to know...  

I need to know...

 
Feel like I'm tryin' to breathe under water 

Tryin' to climb but I keep fallin farther (yeah)  

Will you take my hand?

 
Feels so far away 

Want to see your face  

Are you even there? 

Can you show me?! 

Can you make me believe?!

 
I need to know... 

I need to know... 

I need to know... 

I need to know...
I need to know...  

I need to know...

Driving Off the Frustration

www.visualphotos.com

Derek-
This blog has been stagnant for a few weeks now. I've been busy with school and a huge group project that has sapped my time and sleep. I've also been hemming and hawing over not having anything grand or inspirational to say here. Then it occurred to me that I shouldn't take myself so seriously and just post something. This is a personal blog after all, not a Deseret Book bestseller. 

Anyway, as I read through some of our recent posts I see so much progress and improvement for my marriage. Both Anna and I have grown and learned much during the past few months. It certainly has been full of growing pains, but I can see that we are in a much better place now. However, there are always hiccups.We had a bit of a rough weekend. I was doing that thing that I do when I get stressed which is retreat to my own little world and shut out others, especially my wife. She was getting stressed and emotional from seeing me very little and having to deal with a crazy toddler who can make messes faster than a wild boar in a grocery store. Neither of us were the most pleasant human beings to be around to begin with, but then throw in the lack of sleep and the hightened emotions and anxiety that arises when it gets late and you have a recipie for marital ruckus. Also factor in the fact that as a gay man I tend to be more sensitive than the average husband and having two overly sensitive people under one roof can spell disaster. So days of quiet resentment turned into a verbal confrontation which resulted in me getting frustrated and quiet as Anna agonized over our future. Here's a bit of dialogue that followed in the wee hours of the night as we lay in bed:

A: I'm so upset right now...how is this ever going to work...I'm going to be alone and miserable the rest of my life...I'm so worked up right now I'll never be able to sleep!
D: It's hard to sleep right now because your mouth won't stop talking!!
A: You're so mean and insensitive!

Ok, so I'm not the most sensitive husband. But this little scenario might sound familiar to those who are married/partnered. I disagree with whoever said that couples shouldn't go to sleep angry because the later you stay up attempting to resolve a fight the more irrational and emotional you get. Sleep tends to resolve fights fairly effectively.  Except this one.

Anna woke up that morning and announced that she wasn't going to church, and that she expected me to take both the boys with me. I scoffed and told her I'd take the boys for the day but we wouldn't be going to church. In a moment of spontaneity, I packed the diaper bag, made some pb&j's, and loaded my oldest boy in our car and took off. I told Anna I was going to Idaho. I ended up driving all the way to Rexburg. I was upset and frustrated, and just needed a shoulder to cry on, so I showed up at the door of my best friend's apartment. 

Thank God for wonderful friends. Without me having to explain much, he understood what I was going through. He assured me that all would be ok, and that my marriage was not ending. He gave me a priesthood blessing, played with my son, boosted my battered spirit, and sent me back home to my wife a much happier person with a resolve to work things out.

And work things out we did. Having a bit of time apart allowed us a chance to ponder on important things and really assess what we valued. Anna really appreciated having a quiet home for the day without our toddler on a rampage. We greeted each other at the door when I got home with a smile and a kiss. I'd say we had a much more productive day than if I had stayed at home and we both stewed over the prior night's arguments. 

I truly love and respect Anna. She has such a strong resolve to make this work. Her faith and perspective amaze me at times. It's easy to get frustrated. It's easy to think that we'd both be better off with someone else. It's easy to give in to fears and speculations. It's easy to look at the rubble of failed mixed-orientation marriages and assume that ours will eventually end up on the pile. It's easy to think that it's not worth the effort we're putting into this. 

Yet we keep going.

We keep going because we hope something better will come out of it. We keep going because any other path doesn't seem right. We keep going because we can't imagine life without each other. I would seriously starve to death if I didn't have Anna. And if I had to take care of my kids by myself I'd end up in a mental institution. And Anna needs me to help her pick the decor for the home. And if she didn't have me she would never travel anywhere because she hates driving for more than twenty minutes. 

Anyway, on a completely different note, I'm trying to do what I can to help others on their gay Mormon journey. Uncarved Block and I have been talking, and we think that having a place for LGBT/SSA individuals to discuss issues in an LDS context would be really helpful at our university. BYU and BYU-ID both have a USGA, and we'd like to start a support group that is patterned after that. USU really needs something like that. So if you happen to live in Cache Valley or attend USU and are interested in such a group, please contact me. (there's a lot of acronyms in that paragraph!)

To those of you that read this, I hope you're all doing well on your own journey. I'd love it if you left me a brief update.

Shifting our Expectations

Anna -
So if I were sensible I would be sleeping right now.  Both my boys and Derek are zonked out, but instead of sleeping I chose to catch up on things I can't get done during the day.  While I feel productive right now, I know when morning comes I will be kicking myself!  Anyways, I have had some thoughts flooding through my mind today that I wanted to discuss.

First, I am new to this whole blogging thing so forgive me if I sound disjointed.  As I've read posts from many gay Mormon bloggers my heart has truly been touched by their stories.  Some I have read have chosen to stay active in the church with the hope that they will either marry in this life or the next.  This is truly inspiring to me.  Others have chosen a different path, which is to leave the church to live a life they feel is more authentic and will bring them greater fulfillment in this life.  I see this as a very courageous choice as well. Both sides have caused me to think a great deal.  By reading these stories I have felt love, compassion and mercy towards those who have these attractions, including my husband.  I have not walked in these shoes, but I walk beside them.  I see what Derek goes through and the way he tries to reconcile his own authenticity while staying true to his beliefs and our marriage and it is a tough challenge!  I guess what I want to say is to all of you that face this same predicament, you inspire me.  I've always been a believer that whatever challenge is presented to us, we can learn and grow from it.  I know that this is true for some of you who may read this that are struggling right now.  What I've learned is that life will never meet our expectations of how we think things should go.  The real challenge is to find joy in the here and now.  I think this is something I will struggle with the rest of my life-being happy TODAY regardless of what my circumstances may be.  I found a quote by President Hinckley that I feel sums it up quite well:

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.  The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise... the trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

This goes along with the "I'll be happy when ..." cycle.  I feel that most of my life I've played that game.  First it was "I'll be happy when I go to college".  Then it was "I love college but I'll be truly happy when I get married."  After that came, "Well marriage is good but when we have kids, that's when things will really be great."  Looking back, all of these times in my life have been good and there is no magic moment when I will truly feel fulfilled.  We tend to look at these types of situations that we haven't experienced yet or yearn for with rose-colored glasses.  When in reality, life is not that way.

I have done this with my marriage.  After realizing that my husband didn't meet the high expectations I thought all husbands should meet and that I was married to a gay man, I kind of mourned the loss of the marriage I thought I would have.  I focused on the things that were missing instead of all the great things I did have.  Because I'm human, I still do this sometimes.  I think though that I have learned a little more to look at my marriage, and my life, with a more realistic approach.  Life is hard, bad things happen, the days drone on, glamorous and exciting things don't happen all of the time.  However, life is also great, wonderful things do happen, the years fly by, and there are special moments that I treasure.  I have learned to find immense joy in seeing my little newborn baby look into my eyes and smile.  I get excited when my 2 year old says a new word or gives me a kiss.  I treasure the times that Derek and I can just lay and bed and talk about our day, or the funny things the kids did.  That is what life's all about.

So to you who may be reading that are feeling robbed, discouraged, or that you're life is not turning out how you planned I want to say something that someone once told me.  When I was in some of my hardest times, someone told me, "Anna, I know that it's hard to see this right now, but what if it's possible that your life could turn out so much better than you imagine it will?"  This made me think.  At that time, I had a doomsday view of how my life was going to go.  This included loneliness, sadness and just trying to get by.  As I thought about what this person told me I started to think about that being a reality.  Maybe my life will turn out better than I thought?  Maybe one day I will look back on all of these hard things and see how much I've learned?  Maybe I can be truly happy?  I believe happiness is possible for everyone.  Some days it may not feel like it, we may feel that our unmet needs outweigh our blessings.  This is normal.  What I've learned is that everything is a phase in life.  We go through a hard time-it's a phase.  That doesn't mean there won't be more hard times, but they will always pass and joy will come. I have learned to try to take life one day at a time, that is really all we can do.  The great thing about life is that all of the imperfections and hard times make the great ones that much more worth it.

 

Walking in Her Shoes

Derek -
I'm breaking from the norm here by inviting a very special person to write the post today...my wife! She's recently taken interest in the Moho blogging community, and we both feel that she has a lot she can add here. This way we can explore together what it means to have a Mormon mixed orientation marriage. I hope you appreciate her perspective. I'm sure you'll all see why I married her, and why I choose to stay married. We'll call her Anna. If you want to contact her directly feel free to email her.

Anna -
I'm glad that Derek asked me to write a little bit about my perspective on this blog.  As of late I've come to realize there's this whole gay Mormon community that I never knew even existed!  I've enjoyed reading people's experiences through blogging, books and video clips.  I've definitely gained a great deal of understanding and perspective concerning same-sex attraction.  So I want to add a little bit of my voice to this subject matter.  First off, I'll give you a little bit of background about my situation.  I grew up in a home where my Dad wasn't active and my Mom was always the one to take us to church.  She passed away during my teenage years and our family went through a really rough time.  I always longed for the days when I could be married and have more control of my situation.  My siblings and I went to church by ourselves and continued building our testimonies.  After graduating high school, I attended BYU where I met Derek in my junior year.  I was immediately attracted to him and we started dating pretty quickly.  We dated for about 4 months, got engaged and then were married 4 months later.  You could say we were on the BYU fast track.  I truly thought my life was set and after going through so much I had started a new little family with someone who would never let me down.  Looking back now, I realize my expectations for marriage were totally unrealistic!

Shortly after we got married, Derek broke down and told me that he had a problem with pornography.  I was completely devastated.  This broke the mold of the perfect life I thought was ahead of me.  I immediately had questions like "What's wrong with me?" or "I must not be pretty enough."  I went through a range of emotions from anger, to resentment, to complete sadness.  Shortly after that, I saw a message on facebook that some guy had sent to Derek.  It seemed a little fishy to me (nothing inappropriate, just not something a straight guy would say).  I think that's when I started to question if Derek was gay.  I confronted him about it and he told me that he's attracted to men.  Finding all this out right after recently being married just about rocked my world.  This guy I thought I knew was totally different than I imagined.  We started going to counseling, visiting bishops to get spiritual help, and did what we knew how to cope with this.  Looking back now, I realize that we were quite young and our knowledge was so limited.  A couple of years went by where we acknowledged the problem and there would be hurtful times but we never fully dealt with it.  So I guess this starts our journey together with same sex attraction. 

Over the past 6 months Derek has really started to address his attractions and what it means for him to be gay.  He clued me in on this about last September, when he really started to try and figure out who he is and what he really wants out of life.  I was very nervous about what his realizations meant for our family and his activity in the church.  We've had some really tough conversations and have done a ton of talking over the past couple of months.  Truthfully, there have been times for both of us when we've thought "How in the world is this ever going to work?".  During those times, I would think about my children.  They both mean the world to me, and I want to do everything I can so that they can be raised my their mom and dad and see a healthy, loving relationship.  But what about my own happiness?  I need to want this for me and not just for them, right?  There was a point where I felt so down that I just told Derek that he could leave and live a lifestyle that seems to be more true to himself.  His response to me was  "I'm not going anywhere." Through all of this, I always knew that I loved him.  That never changed.

So here we are today.  Some people would probably say we're crazy.  Some people would probably say to get out now before you invest more in the relationship.  However, I don't see it that way.  What I've come to know is that I'm married to my best friend and that our marriage is real.  It's not a fairy tale, but whose is?  Yes, we struggle and have bad days.  But we also have some really great days.  The pluses outweigh the minuses.  We've learned that we can't look at our marriage as a stereotypical marriage because it's not.  We have learned to communicate and be much more honest about things.  (FYI:  I would advise anyone in this situation to have full disclosure of everything before getting married.)  We still have a lot to learn and a long ways to go but we're trying.  I find that it's really gratifying to work so hard for something you believe so strongly in.  It has only brought us closer together.  And amidst the hard things, I can step back and see what a beautiful life I have.  I have a husband who loves me and is willing to stick with me through the hard times, two beautiful, truly amazing children, and a loving Heavenly Father who has allowed me to take this journey and become a little better because of it.

I'll end here for tonight, I have a baby that needs me.  In future blog posts, I would like to talk further in depth about certain things I mentioned here and other thoughts I have on the subject matter. 

Letter to My Bishop

There's recently been a bit of discussion in the moho blogosphere about the shame associated with pornography use. I wanted to include this letter to my bishop because it contains the clearest way that I can express how I feel about this topic. Also, I'm not trying to encourage harsh criticism toward leaders of the church, but I do feel that it is important for us to think critically about the kind of help we receive (or don't receive) from bishops and stake presidents who are just as human as everyone else. Since homosexuality is so misunderstood by the church, I hope this approach is helpful.

Dear Bishop,

I prefer to communicate with you this way rather than in person. I greatly lack in the ability to represent myself verbally, and every time I go to your office I leave very frustrated and feeling completely misunderstood, as if I’ve been attacked or interrogated. Your approach causes me to feel very inferior and defensive, and the added anxiety gets me worked up to the point where I lack clarity of thought or speech. I hope that this method will allow complete honesty and understanding to exist between us. In writing this I’ve tried to allow myself time to let go of much of the bitterness that I have towards you, however, I apologize if some of that still shows through. Please allow me first to make a few things very clear, after which I will provide you with some background that I hope will help you to understand my situation better. 

-          I do not view the use of pornography as acceptable behavior, especially for a man holding the priesthood of God.

-          When I explained some of my thoughts on masturbation you wrongly assumed that I felt the same way about pornography use. 

-          I do my best to sustain the leaders of the church and follow the counsel of the prophets. Admittedly, I have a few reservations which I am trying my best to resolve, but my behavior has shown that I do not intentionally defy their counsel. 

-          In no way do I try to convey myself as being guiltless or innocent, rather I see myself as an imperfect, struggling man doing my best to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

-          Yes, I am critical of church policies and practices. I think it is only natural to question that which is a large part of your life. However, in my questioning I’m doing my best to have patience with the church. I’m praying also for the faith and humility to understand the things about the church that leave me frustrated. I do not question the core doctrines of the church, just the manner in which those doctrines are applied. 

-          I am completely committed to my marriage and family.

I have struggled with addiction to pornography off and on ever since I was a teen.  I’ve known that I’m attracted to men since even before that. It was something that I thought would go away once I was married, but that has definitely not happened. Out of fear, I never told anyone about my homosexuality before I was married. Shortly afterward, I broke down and told my wife. This was an extremely challenging time for us. Thanks to the help of two wonderful bishops and an LDS family therapist, we made it through that first year of our marriage. I told them some of the very same things I told you. Although they didn’t understand, they did their best to help me feel loved. They offered me spiritual support. They gave me priesthood blessings. They met with my wife and I together. One bishop even called my wife and me as temple workers to give me the added spirituality I needed to fight the porn addiction. They tried to help me understand that it is not a sin to be attracted to men, but acting on that attraction is. At that time the sentiment of the church was that same-sex attraction is something akin to a disease (that has changed only very recently with the launch of the new church website, www.mormonsandgays.org) and so I treated it like a disease with the assumption that I would be cured through faithful living of the gospel. However, recently I have learned that my attraction to men is very much a part of who I am.  Just before I met you I came to accept the fact that I am a gay man and always will be.  These past few months have been by far the most difficult months both for me and my wife as we’ve grappled with this realization and what it means for our marriage.

As I began to learn more about homosexuality and the church’s teachings on the subject, I became very hurt with many of the things that the church has done and said about it. It shouldn’t be any surprise that because of the church’s attitude toward homosexuality, Utah has one of the highest gay suicide rates in the nation.  This and many other things rocked my faith and testimony. It was at this time of my lowest point of spirituality that I turned to you. I understood that I would need to face the consequences of my porn addiction, but I was so desperate for spiritual help that I was willing to go through that. I was expecting spiritual support and encouragement. I was expecting to be shown the love and hope that is part of the Atonement. I was expecting some guidance to my wife and I together that would help us to improve our marriage. I got none of that from you.

Instead, I’ve left our few meetings feeling more confused and frustrated than ever. I was drowning, and rather than being offered help out of the water I felt like I was being criticized for my poor swimming techniques. The issues with my marriage go much deeper than my porn addiction, and you chose to not only focus on that issue and ignore others, but to make it seem like more of a problem in my marriage than it is. Your actions toward me felt very punitive, with the objective of shaming me unto repentance. My wife also felt punished, as she was left to go alone to the temple dedication and to do temple work by herself. Not only that, but you denied both of us the opportunity of having a calling in the ward for several months without even asking us about it or telling us that you had advised the Relief Society presidency not to give her an assignment. This really hurt and embarrassed her, and just caused her to have more resentment toward me that made our marriage problems even worse. You threatened me by saying that my porn addiction would lead to divorce, even when I tried to explain to you that I was concerned about much more difficult issues than porn. Up to 85% of mixed-orientation marriages like mine end in divorce, even in the church. This is due to the emotional and physical dissonance and insecurity that exists when one spouse is gay, not just because of porn. These sort of problems contribute to my fear of infidelity that I expressed to you, which you totally misconstrued to say that I viewed porn as the acceptable lesser of two evils. 

I disagree entirely with how the church goes about the issue of pornography. I recently learned that Utah is the most porn-consuming state in the nation, and I am shocked and saddened (see the study here). The approach of the church creates a lure for boys as they have incessant warnings about pornography pounded down their throats from the time they are in primary. Not only that, but it creates a stigma that pits wives against their husbands and gives them justification to play up the victim role (that video you showed the ward a few months ago is a prime example of this). This worsens marital relationships, thus exacerbating the porn addiction. This only increases the intense shame and guilt that men already feel. This shame and guilt is fuel that feeds the fire of addiction, keeping the men of the church trapped in the cycle. Also, as with most addictions, the more reminders one has about it the more one is likely to succumb. Thankfully, you are not as absurd as another bishop I know of who insisted that the individual he was working with text him every evening to report on whether or not he had viewed pornography that day.

Your approach is focused on me having regular reminders of my addiction, and “punishments” that add to my shame. Shame and guilt is not a motivator for me. The hope and love offered by Christ’s Atonement is my motivation. The scriptures you assigned me to read are powerful, but they also reinforce the notion that I am to feel as guilty and horrible as possible in order to change, thus feeding the shame cycle. I do accept our prophets as divine witnesses of Christ who are inspired of God, but because they have been wrong in the past about homosexuality and other issues, I have a hard time trusting everything they say. When you asked me if I would do anything a prophet asked of me I told you no because I do not view everything that comes out of their mouth to be doctrine. Instead I take their counsel to God through prayer. President Hinckley’s counsel to pray to be released from the stain of pornography is excellent, but it is definitely coming from someone who has never been under the powerful grasp of porn addiction. Although nothing is impossible for God, I have come to learn that for me, I cannot “pray the gay away,” nor can I pray the porn addiction away as I have tried this many times. It is not something that can be overcome by fighting it head on. Instead, I view the addiction as a manifestation of unmet needs and imbalance in my life. Porn addiction is tied to my depression, my struggling spirituality, my insecurity and lack of fulfillment in my marriage, as well as the way I handle the great amount of stress that I am under as a father of two kids who works two jobs while going to school full time. I am fighting my addiction to porn by working to improve in these areas directly so that there can be a balance in my life. That is the approach I am using to work towards my goal to one day be completely free from porn addiction (for more in-depth explanation of this approach, check out this podcast). I was being completely honest with you when I said that my struggles with pornography have improved over the past month. I only wish you could have rejoiced with me over this improvement rather making me feel even more attacked.

I was very hurt when you immediately came to the conclusion that I was immoral and unfit to bless my newborn son. I take my role as a father very seriously, and I do not appreciate anything coming between me and my sons. I know I am worthy. My wife knows I am worthy. Yes, I struggle. Yes, I make mistakes that make me unclean. I am far from perfect. However, God does not expect me to ever become perfect until the next life. Until then, I have to keep working to be a better person and go from grace to grace, just as everyone else in the church does. The fact that you ignored the statement in the church handbook that one does not even need to be temple worthy to bless their own child leads me to think that you are using your position of power to make the blessing of my son as the “carrot before the horse” that will bring me unto repentance. Because I disagree with your methods so much, my child will not be blessed in this ward. If your opinion of me changes, I would like to bless my son in the ward that my father is a bishop over this Sunday, with your permission. If you stick to your judgments of me, we will postpone the blessing until we are members of another ward. We are doing this because we want the blessing of my son to be focused on the love that my wife and I have for him, and to be a demonstration of the gratitude that we have to God for bringing him into our home.  Since next Sunday is the first Sunday of the new year, we feel that it is an appropriate time for us to make ourselves members of another ward. I also expect that I will feel more comfortable attending church there so that I can get the spiritual nourishment that I need so much right now.

I’m sorry if this has come across as being harsh. I hope that one day I’ll be able to let go of my bitterness and we’ll be able to see this as a big misunderstanding. I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Derek