Projected Darkness

You don't know the pain that lies
Behind the magazine-cover eyes.
My story you claim to understand
Your trek to have crossed my pathless land.

You perceive the cause of my lament
To be a case of mere discontent.
"Stop it!" you exclaim in mournful tone
"You have dimmed a countenance that shone."

But a closer look would help you see
A soul in search of integrity.
Responding to insecurities
We both reach out, but with different pleas.

Next time you see a darkened stare
Instead walk beside that soul with care.
Your balm does nothing for my health
When it comes off your self-righteous shelf.

Letter to Myself

A friend sent me the link to this Craigslist posting yesterday. It is beautifully written and it really hit home for me. I got emotional when reading it because I really wish that when I was a 21-year-old BYU student that I had read this. It's something too great to get lost in the personals section of Craigslist, so I contacted the writer of the post. His name is Chris, and he was happy to let me repost it here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. 


Dear 21-year old RM BYU Mormon Me,

Surprise!

I know, it's hard to believe that I can communicate with you from the future, isn't it. In fact, when I was your age, I might not have believed it at all. It's because of the magic of the Internet. Oh wait, you don't even know what that is yet! Believe it or not, in the future everyone will have hand-held computer phones that are linked to one another. No, really, it's so cool! Your inner geek is going to love the future! That's how I'm sending you this message. 

I realize that I am going to need to give you some proof that I'm actually from your future. You have a lot of great things ahead of you, but let me tell you a few things about our mutual past that will convince you to trust me a little more as we move forward.

Let's see, you've just gotten home from your mission a few months ago and you're back at BYU again, right? You've returned home trailing clouds of RM glory and it has been a fairly smooth transition back into real life. I know, you were pretty sure that you would be married by now, huh. That girl that we assumed was waiting until we got home? Yeah, that was a pretty awkward when she met you at the airport with her fiancé in hand. It was a bit of a shock, but you handled it well, and spent a few days crying in the dark, but now you're back in the dating game and things are looking pretty good. Congratulations on surviving that!

The mission was a little harder than you thought it was going to be, wasn't it. I mean, whenever you talk to someone about it now, you have nothing but good to say, but trust me, as you get older, you'll realize that it was a difficult time. There are some things in your life you've been trying to suppress that are not going to get better in the next few years. In fact, that's the main reason why I'm here. 

Remember when you dropped out of wrestling in high school because of those uncomfortable feelings you had around other guys in the locker room and on the mat? And remember how sensitive you were about being called "gay" by the other guys even though everyone knew that it wasn't really true? 

Remember saying goodbye to that one terrific missionary companion that you were so close to? You knew it was going to be hard to say goodbye to him. He wanted to hug you in the apartment for the last time, and as you were hugging him, you realized that you didn't want to ever let him go and he leaned into you and you could feel his arousal and you turned your lips against his neck and brushed them right under his ear and he suddenly pushed you away. I'm sure you remember what we were feeling at that moment because I remember it like it was yesterday. I know that it seems easy to write off that whole experience as "missionary desperation" or whatever. Sure, you were desperate for physical contact with ANYONE, so it's only natural that it might be a companion that you felt so close to anyway, right? He didn't push you away from him because he hated you, he pushed HIMSELF away from you because he was feeling things just as strongly and he was just as scared as you were about what you were both feeling.

Remember that other companion you had that would masturbate after he thought you had gone to sleep? Yeah, that was pretty interesting, wasn't it, and it made you aroused, didn't it? You might want to take a little closer look at your attractions because they are not going to go away. In fact, they are going to get stronger with time.

The reason I've contacted you is not just to tell you about things that you already know, it's to help you put a little perspective on them and to also warn you about a few things in the immediate future. You have some stuff coming up that you are not going to want to miss! Or mess up.

First off, I know you don't have much money, but scrape together what you can and go buy a few shares of stock in a little company called Apple. Just do it.

Next semester you are going to meet a new roommate who is going to have a profound effect on your life. He is also an RM and you will like him from the moment you meet him. He's a lot like us. One night he will be telling you a story from his mission and you will be laughing so hard that you will think you are having a heart attack - seriously. It's not really a heart attack, but I want you to recognize who he is, because before the spring term, he will ask to move into the same room as you and you will be so happy about it. As the two of you become closer, you'll start to realize that a lot of your world revolves around him and that you can't imagine your life without having him around. This is a very crucial time for you because you are going to need to make some decisions soon. I know, I remember making them, and I made them under some of the same false impressions that you are thinking very strongly right now. I want to try to take away those false impressions and help you make those decisions based on the truths that I have learned since then.

You are trying so hard NOT to think about the possibility that you are more attracted to guys than girls, and you're also working very hard to pray, fast, and live the gospel truths so that God will change your heart and take away those evil desires. Here is my main message, the one take-away from this entire time-travel project: I am here to tell you that those desires are never going to go away, no matter what you do about them. Trust me, I tried. I did everything I could possibly imagine to kill, starve, attack, fight, bury, hate, fast and pray away those feelings. In fact, 25 years later they are as strong as ever and, honestly, getting stronger as the years go by. I've lived my life by the book, followed every rule, fulfilled every calling and assignment, loved a wife and children more than I ever thought possible, and I'm here to tell you, there is still a hollow spot inside of me waiting to be filled by another man. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.

It hurts all the more because you are going to push him away. In about 8 months, you will be enjoying both the warm summer and the fact that he doesn't seem to mind being barely clothed around you. You will sneak a few peaks at him and he will realize what is happening but he won't do anything about it then. A few days later he will "fall asleep" without his clothes on and you will discover him in the darkness of your shared room. You will be so overwhelmed by your feelings that your legs will feel weak and you won't even realize that you have sat down on his bed. While looking at him in the near darkness with rapt wonder, he will slowly touch your hand, lift it up, and bring it over to touch him. Dude, you are going to feel like you are on fire, first because he is so damn sexy, and second because of the wonderful and beautiful things that you and he will do together. 

Would you please do me a favor and slow down and enjoy these fleeting moments with him for a little while longer? I have looked back on these precious memories hundreds of times in my life and, while I have a few regrets, not one of them is about them happening. One regret I do have is that I didn't relax and enjoy these brief but intense experiences more. They were so powerful and I know now that we will never have these first-time feelings as strongly with anyone ever again. So live them and feel them and remember them with even more love than I have for them now. The other regret I have is that I wish I had kissed him. Just... just do it. You know you want to, and he wants you to, and you will always wish that you had. Trust me, you will. 

Sadly, soon enough you are going to think you are being consumed in the fires of mormon hell. You are both going to promise to never let it happen again, but even so, you and he will get together several more times because, although you both know that you are trying to resist, after a few weeks you will ache for him and he will want you just as much and neither of you can resist the other. So in order to resist temptation, you are going to make a hard decision. If you do the same thing I did, you are going to move to a different apartment complex in another part of Provo. You are going to say that it is because you want to be closer to school, but we both know the truth is that you are running away from him as fast as you can.

I know, you think that you are doing the right thing because you are trying to resist him. And in fact, you are doing the thing that the church is telling you to do. But I am here to tell you that you are going to regret this decision for your entire life. Even with the good things that you are trying to do, and that you will do, you will look back on this time with longing, wishing that you had made a different choice for both you and him. 

However, if you decide to do the same thing I did, I can understand what you are thinking because I was there. You are thinking that you can resist, that God can change your heart, and that if you are just righteous enough, God will make you a "normal" man who desires to be a husband and father with one of His daughters. After all, this is what the church is telling you. You want to believe it so much. You are praying and pleading and counting on it. You are willing to bet your life on it being true. Literally. But there is one tragic fault in your logic. It's. Not. True. 

In a few years, you are going to meet a girl and you will realize that she is finally the one. You will know almost as soon as you meet her, because she is nearly everything you ever hoped for in an eternal companion. There are even things about her that are perfect for you and you don't even know them yet. You will prepare yourself to take her to the temple and you will be worthy to do so. By this time, you will have long since talked with your bishop and made yourself pure and clean. But there is one more crucial thing that you need to do before she commits to marry you. It is something that I should have done but didn't and I have regretted it for many years. 

You need to talk to her about your same-sex attraction. I know that you think it will not be a problem, it is history, and you will never have to worry about it again. But you need to talk to her about it anyway. Trust me, you do. 

First, because it' s not really gone. It never will be. You are rationalizing the idea of NOT telling her because you believe that this will not be an issue that you will ever have to reveal as a part of you. You are praying that God will change you - that He will take away your desires and replace them with accepted and righteous ones. But the actual truth is both more logical and, at the same time, almost unbelievable to your innocent mormon self - the person that you are is the person you are going to stay - and if you pretend that this part of you does not exist, then you are hiding a piece of your heart from her that you will have to keep hidden forever. However, like an unseen thorn, it will grow and it will pain you, and her, and your family life, because of your selfish pride and naive mormon fantasies. 

Second, because you will need her help. If, after all this information, you are still considering an attempt at a lifetime of complete self-denial, please let me give you one more warning. In a few years, as the ease of access to information and technology becomes widely available, the opportunity to access pornography of every possible imagined type (and some you can't possibly imagine) will literally be available to you, for free, 24 hours a day, at your fingertips, on your computer and on your phone in your pocket. Just at the time that you will find your desire waning for your wife (and it quickly will), your deeper hidden desires will be awakening and resurfacing, and your ability to access other people with similar desires will also increase. If you expect to maintain your fictitious situation, you will need her help, because you will not have the stamina to do it on your own. If you are hidden from her, you will find yourself more exposed and vulnerable because of your pride. You will NOT be able to do it without her assistance.

Third and lastly, because later in life the topic of same sex attraction will come up in your family and she will speak of homosexuals with such vicious hatred that it will cut you to the core, and since you did not talk about this topic previously, you will not be able to share it with her later and it will become a emotional chasm between the two of you in your marriage. She will not even know how you feel about this, but it will hurt you so deeply that you will be unable to talk about it.

Sadly, there's a good chance that if you talk to her about this, she will not marry you. And perhaps that's a good thing, because there may be someone else out there who is ready to accept this beautiful part of you as well as all the other wonderful parts. I don't know, I didn't go down that path so I can't tell you about that future. But I do hope to save you from a few regrets in my world.

Whatever you choose, be open about it. Don't choose hiding. It may feel like the right thing at the time, but it hurts. A lot. Forever.

I know I have said a few harsh things about your future. If I had heard them when I was your age, I'm not sure I would have believed them. It has taken me a long time to learn that I should have been more true to my inner voice - the one inside that is telling us which way to go. You see, I actually believed that listening to the teachings of the church could replace my inner voice, and the times when I was deciding between what the church told me to do and what my inner voice told me to do, I always chose to follow the church. But I was wrong. I wish I had listened to my heart more often and more carefully. I think it was trying to tell me what was right FOR ME, not just what is right for everyone. It is a hard voice to find and follow, but I think it is worth it and I wish I had learned this a long time ago.

I am going to try and keep this time portal open as long as possible, so if you have any questions I will try to answer them. I'm not sure how long I can do that or how much I can tell you - after all, if you change my past, who knows what will become of me in the future, time paradox and all. 

Hey, guess what!? You will not believe this. In my time, it is completely legal for gay couples to be married in 14 states! Guess which state legalized gay marriage first? You will never guess, not in a million years! Massachusetts!

Take care of yourself, or myself, or whatever. You have a lot of life ahead, but trust me, it goes by too fast. 

You are a much better person than you think you are. 

Love you! Me

PS: Remember that guy in high school, concert choir, junior year, that we had the total crush on? No, not the tall, dark one, (swoon, I wish), no, the tight little blonde, yeah, him. He got home from his mission a few months before us and I think you've seen him on campus a couple of times, right? Or, you're about to, I'm can't remember which ... anyway, guess what? ... ... ... Yep. ... I know, right? Who knew?! So, in about a year he is going to come out to his family and it's going to be a HUGE deal and they are going to totally reject him and he is REALLY going to need a friend.

Go. Be. That. Friend. 

Seriously. You might save his life.

A Collection of Short Messages

It's crazy to think that it's been over a year since I started this blog. This past year has been a completely wild ride. I've learned a lot, experienced much, and grown quite a bit. I've gone through all sorts of phases and felt the entire range of emotions. It's been terrifying, freeing, excruciating, and incredibly challenging. I've experienced my darkest hours in the past year. I've felt entirely alone, misunderstood, and bitter. I've also gained some very terrific friendships and felt more valued, appreciated and supported than I have in a long while. After going through a year of hellishness I feel that I am finally starting to arrive somewhere. What that "somewhere" is exactly I'm not sure, I just know that I've felt more peace in the last few weeks than I have for a very long time.

There was a time when I used this blog to connect with other bloggers. I also used it primarily as a way to process through my experiences of being a married gay Mormon. Being able to just freely write anonymously was very therapeutic for me. However, these days I don't feel much need for anonymity. I'm out to many of the people that read this. I've found Facebook groups and real-life conversations with friends to be a place where I can be truly authentic and take more ownership for what I say and share. It feels good to have found such spaces and its truly a blessing to have such supportive friends. Because I'd like to still use this blog as a record of my thoughts and experiences, I would like to include some of my comments and messages that I've written to others recently. This is going to seem really disjointed, but oh well.

As I've grappled with finding true authenticity I've tried many different avenues. I met many great people through North Star that are in my very same situation, and it is great to have them to sympathize with. However, I'm not a true-believing Mormon and I've been frustrated with some of my interactions there because I'm turned into some sort of project. I don't want people to try to change me and I don't appreciate judgment when I don't conform. So, I tried out Affirmation by coming to the conference, and I'm really glad I did. Other than [blogger at In Search of Acceptance] I didn't meet anyone else that is married to a woman, but I did meet so many real, loving, and courageous people. It was extremely refreshing.

At the conference I was reminded that I am worthy of love. Sure, my marriage may not have the ideals when it comes to physical and romantic love, but it does have love. A lot of it. I have an incredible wife who is very accepting and is willing to fight for me. We've gone through some really challenging times, (this past year has been the refining fires of hell) but recently I have been rewarded with precious moments of peace and fulfillment. At the conference I felt reassured that things will be okay and that I am on the path that God intends me to be on.

 ~

I'm feeling like I've hit a milestone in my process. I'm letting go of a lot of bitterness toward the church. At conference I felt the Spirit. Sadly that's something I haven't felt in a while. I feel a lot of peace about my marriage and somehow know that things will work out for us.It was so great to be with so many awesome and courageous people. People who accept you as you are and don't judge or try to change you.My wife was really happy about my noticeable change in perspective. She said I can go to an affirmation conference every weekend.
 

~

Even though a gay relationship would likely be more sexually fulfilling for me, I'm trying not to make that a focus in my life. I'm realizing that I really do have something special with Anna that is worth working on and developing. I'm trying to take ownership of my happiness and not blame it on my situation. I could be just as unhappy in a gay relationship. Not only that, but I'd have all sorts of new trials to deal with, like loosing the respect and support of family, being a single divorced dad, and the struggles of co-parenting.I really just want peace in my life and to get to some solid ground. I don't have to be a true believing Mormon to make my marriage work, and I can still find healthy ways to express my gay identity. And I hope I don't have to vacillate a  dozen more times before settling on a decision.

~

I have many friends that are pursuing same-sex relationships, and I am happy for their happiness. Perhaps it does leave me with some jealousy. I still have to work through why I feel that way, but any success in their relationship shouldn't be a threat to my marriage, and success in my marriage shouldn't be seen as a way to invalidate their chosen path. I have my reasons for staying married, and they have their reasons for choosing otherwise. Both our decisions ought to be respected. Something I've had to eventually accept was that I could be very happy in a relationship with a man. I've also accepted that I can be very happy in my marriage. My beliefs have evolved such that I see nothing wrong morally with same-sex relationships. Looking at how much "truth" has changed over time, I have a hard time believing that all laws are irrevocable. The phrase "wickedness never was happiness" can be subjective, because how do we define wickedness? Is wickedness anything contrary to the laws of God? Which laws? If I drink coffee does that make me wicked? According to that saying all of us would be unhappy because all of us sin and therefore are wicked.

What the church says about homosexuality isn't what keeps me from leaving my wife for a man, and I don't base other's happiness on their adherence to the Church's laws. I base my decision to stay married off of my own value system which is not entirely the same as the church's values. I can only assume that my friends that are dating other men are basing their decision to do so based on their own value systems. There's a myriad of reasons why either of us could be unhappy or unsuccessful in our life choices, so it doesn't seem right to presume that any failures are completely due to a non-adherence to a value system that is not theirs.

This is a realization that I've recently come to. It is awesome and freeing. Its taking ownership of my own happiness instead of expecting happiness just because of adherence to any particular law.

 ~

Of course there are many appealing things about being married to a woman. You get the "traditional family," kids that are biologically both yours (hopefully), and you get the social and religious approval of your relationship. It's a good life. There are many challenges that being gay presents in such a relationship. There's sexual and emotional dissonance and frustration. Even before we were married my wife told me that she felt I wasn't as into the relationship as she was. And yes I still desire to be with men. It's hard at times, but she's patient with me and I try to be patient and understanding with her. In the past 6 months or so she's become willing to give me a bit of independence so that I can develop friendships with other gay men and that has been very fulfilling for me. Whatever you do don't remain in the church or get married just to keep up a charade. I did that for too long and it wears you down. It is better to choose the path of authenticity. For most gay men that happens to be in a relationship with another man, however, I believe there is authenticity to be found in a mixed orientation marriage as well.

And let me add that if you did decide to go the mixed-orientation marriage route it should be something that you both do deliberately without pressure from family or church. You would need to take time to make sure you're emotionally mature enough to work through the difficulties that may come. It would take a lot of open communication about how you'll approach those aspects of your marriage so you are on the same page from the beginning. Of course, all these things could be said of any typical straight marriage. My wife and I got married really young (less than a year off my mission). I was extremely naive about my attractions and we were far from ready to deal with the challenges of my sexual orientation. It has almost cost us our marriage, but we have been doing our best to adapt and grow together despite the challenges.

~

I don't believe in the church. But it believes in me. There are good people there who have been very kind to me and my family. I appreciate the good environment that it provides. My kids need some sort of structured belief, and having that community to help me raise them is very valuable. I get bitter and annoyed at times and sometimes it is best for me to skip a Sunday or just attend Sacrament meeting, but there's always something that draws me back in (even if that something is my wife sweetly nagging me to go). I negotiate my relationship with the church on my own terms. Some teachings I completely ignore, while others I cherish. My bishop is completely understanding and on board with where I'm at. He doesn't push me to get a temple recommend or serve in a way that I'm uncomfortable with. I appreciate being able to help out in my calling as an Elder's Quorum teacher. It gives me a sense of being able to make a difference in the ward environment. I like being able to challenge people's deeply rooted notions and help them see there is another way of looking at things.

~

In reading through these messages and comments I get the sense that progress is being made in my life, and that is so relieving. I've felt very stuck for a long while. Yeah, I am gay and married to a woman and I may always be conflicted in some way because of that. I will probably continue to experience confusion and frustration over my involvement with Mormonism, but I am accepting that all these aspects are a part of who I am and ought to be embraced rather than have one or more of them completely eradicated from my life. I feel like I've grown a lot emotionally and become much more self-aware in the past year. I still have a lot of ground to cover, and a lot of maturing to do. Even though I'm married with two kids I still act impulsively and inappropriately at times like a twenty-something tends to do. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past year. The good thing is that I'm learning a lot from those mistakes. And hopefully one day I'll come out the other end of this a much better and happier person.

A Poem I Wrote

W(hole)ness

At the edge of the schoolyard, content to play with few
In the far right field, or sprinting the margins of the court
I stood outside the huddled mass of children
their quiet whispers filling me with shame
knowing that a part of me is different from the rest

Far away in a tiny village at a jungle's edge
with my band of brothers on both sides
I cast off my awkwardness and discovered my essence
while sharing God's fullness with a book
giving of myself that for a time made me feel complete

I told her that I loved her, that together we'd always be
But something eery stirred within me
I knew a strange small piece was missing from my core
Confusion racked my being
So at the edge of her driveway I left her standing sobbing

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

So young and eager to fill my gaping hole, another entered my life
She, I was determined would make me feel whole
In the center of the room we knelt
with mirrors on both sides to symbolize
an endless promise we made; trusting in God's blessing

It wasn't long after that I cowered in the corner
my heart breaking, body shaking
The secret I thought was buried deep
lay exposed to both our horror
It cannot be what comprises me; denying my own nature

In the center of the circle, cradled in our arms
a piece of me laid sweetly sleeping
I sent a prayer heavenward with trust in Him above
This small babe filled a portion of my gaping hole
My heart resolved to forever cherish and guard him

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

Slowly at first, then more each day my heart grew colder
That hollowness I'd tried for so long to deny
was feverishly eating away at my core
Those beliefs I once treasured were causing such angst
that with contempt I hurled them; they shattered on the floor

Feeling scalded by the only faith I knew
I grasped for belonging among the margins
Relief encompassed me as I found others
with hearts oriented in a similar manner
I ceased to loathe that part of me; my truth I did accept

In my haste for real completeness
I made my way to the inviting haven
With arms outstretched only a few steps away
I then glanced down to my terror and saw my ruptured gash
Another large piece of me had been abandoned at the gate

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

Feeling faint and remorseful yet with pain I did retreat
I gathered myself up, clutching my torn pieces
Consigned to live a life split between two worlds
Building barriers about; it's the isolation I thought I deserved
Striving to keep my battered soul from being further shredded

How can I know the truth, and with it be set free?
I'm left to long for wholeness while living on the fray
How do I live without denying part of me
For with all God's blessed me with, He also made me gay?

Soledad

Allow me to discuss the boy band that stole my heart as a young teenage boy. It wasn't backstreet boys, 98 degrees, or Nsync. Mormonism was my only world so anything outside of mormonism held little value to me. So the band that was the focus of my young obsessions was Colors, a group of three LDS guys from Kaysville. . And here they are:

If you were born to late or two early or too far outside the Mormon bubble to know them, they are (in order, referring to the middle photo) Brian Tibbets, Russ Dixon, and Ryan Merrill. Ryan was my favorite, and I had quite the little crush on him. I played percussion in Jr. High (in addition to trumpet) because of him. I once got a chance to play the congas in my jazz band and boy was I excited to be playing them like Ryan. Never has any young teenager played the congas with such passion before or since. (haha!) They all went to Utah State (my own alma mater!) and they were even friends with my oldest sister who met them in college. They performed in my hometown when I was 13 and believe me, I was smitten. I listened to their CD over and over and over again. I know every lyric to this day. By the time I was in high school the group had pretty well ended their careers as musicians and Brian had actually moved to my hometown. My high school girlfriend shared my love for Colors and one of her friends who was in Brian's ward arranged to have him come to our class and sing to her for her birthday. We were both swooning (I was just trying hard to hide it) as he sang "The Reggae Song,"  which went on to become our song. I didn't marry her but my wife appreciates Colors as well so at our wedding luncheon we actually sang a duet together to the Colors' "Wedding Song." And to this day I still rock my kids to sleep while singing them Colors songs. For some reason their songs have always had a lot of meaning to me and they likely always will. Their song, "Soledad" is one of my absolute favorites. Here's the lyrics:

Make a wish and dreams come true
Set a sail and watch it into the blue
What's an open door
If I don't walk through

So I watch the stars move
In the summer skies
The earth holds my back and I'm
Drowning in the moon's light
And I think of all the places
And the faces
Of people that I've known
When I'm alone

I go home to my soledad
Oh, oh oh in my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
Can all come true
In my soledad

Every now and then
Somebody's gonna say
"How much for your dreams?
Tell me what could I pay?"
And with my eyes closed
My eyes closed
I could say, "Go on,
Take everything away."

But my soledad
Oh oh, no, not my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
Are yet to come true
In my soledad

Mmmm

A la mirar la distancia de los cielos
Me da esperanza que mis anelos se cumpliran
Y aunque ser por un momento
No me escape el sentimiento
Que este lugar me da
Y por un dia mas
Puedo dejar todo atras

In mi soledad
Oh, oh oh in my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
They're all comin' true
In my soledad

Hmmmm
My soledad

English Translation:

soledad = solitude

In looking at the distance of heaven
It gives me hope that my wishes will be fulfilled
And although it be but for a moment
I do not escape the feeling
That this place gives me
And for one day more
I can leave it all behind

Solitude is something very important to me. Although sometimes I fear being alone, I treasure times when I'm able able to really reflect and ponder. It being summer, often take walks at night so that I can think things through and feel somewhat closer to God. I've had some profound experiences that have allowed me to connect spiritually with God and learn more about myself through solitude. Its experiences like this that have allowed me to gaze into heaven and really separate myself from all else in the world. Many people in the church experience this through temple worship, and I think that is great. That doesn't work for me, however, so I do things my own way. Even though I have significant doubts as to the existence of a life after this one, I still long for heaven, and that gives me hope. I don't intend to wait til death to experience heaven though. I plan to do all I can to bring the feelings of heaven into my mortal life here and now, so I try to treasure the heavenly moments. Here's a few I've experienced lately:

Stargazing by myself at the park near my home.

Watching fireworks on Independence day with my wife and kids. 

Having a meaningful conversation with a friend.

Having lunch with Anna on the grass at the park while watching my boys play together.

Watching a hilarious movie

Enjoying the incredible talents of others.

Anything apart from the mundane and depressing parts of life ought to be appreciated more. So many times I complain that my life is boring and predictable. I complain about a lot of things actually. But life is just usually hard or dull or super frustrating and challenging. So when it isn't, and we are able to experience goodness and joy we should try to view it as a bit of heaven.

Yesterday I was able to get a taste of soledad, but not in the regard that I was alone. It was quite the opposite. I spent it with friends doing fun things. It was a chance for me to escape the world I live in daily and not have to think about a lot of the anxieties that torment me. While driving home last night I felt incredibly at peace. I was able to be with people all day that accept me for who I am. I didn't have to play any roles. I didn't have to worry about being judged. I didn't have to worry about anyone's agenda for me. It was very refreshing, and I loved it. Sure, life can't be like that all the time. That would be unrealistic. But I'd like to think that my life can become closer to the heaven that I long for as I appreciate the special moments and find ways to cultivate more of them in my life.

I'm grateful that I'm able to have these kind of escapes from life. And as long as we're able to continue to live in the present on a day-to-day basis, I find it perfectly acceptable to wish and dream and hope for something more. Its helps to get away from it all and live it up every once in a while.

Sorry ladies, I'm not metro

"I saw your husband today," Anna's friend told her,  "he looked so nice and put together. Do you dress him or does he dress himself?"
"He dresses himself. He really into clothes."
At this point Anna probably thinks to herself, "and he's really into guys. If they only knew."

A lot of her friends are a bit surprised and and even jealous upon hearing that I look so  nice by my own doing. Perhaps this is because I dress better than all their frumpy straight husbands who are still wearing the clothes they got years ago when they were dating. Anna is hesitant to buy me clothes as gifts because she knows how particular I am. I also won't let Anna do my own laundry because I'm very particular with how my clothes are handled.  Her friends are also surprised to find out that I cut my own hair. It's not your standard crew or buzz cut so why would I pay big bucks to get my trendy hairstyle when I can do it myself? I once tried to highlight Anna's hair to save money and that resulted in tears. In the end it wasn't too bad but I think I'd rather not go through that ordeal again. Her friends probably think I'm just metro, and I'm fine with letting them think that.

I've always been really into fashion. Not necessarily high-fashion, name brand, expensive stuff. Never had the money for that. But dressing nice and classy has long been important to me. Since I was like 7 or 8 I always insisted on doing all my own shopping and styling my own hair. I remember one of my favorite things to do at the end of summer was back-to-school shopping. Afterward my two older sisters and I would put on modelling shows to display our spiffy new attire (most of it probably purchased at JC Penney). I would then lay out each of the outfits I would wear for the first three days of school out on my floor. My mom thought it was funny. Early on she knew I was very different from my older brother, and even most boys in general.

I was such a gay little kid. I hated getting my clothes dirty.  I remember in 3rd grade while playing outside I slipped and got a grass stain on my jeans. On class picture day! Needless to say I was mortified that I had to stand in the front row (I was a real short kid) where my stain would be seen and memorialized permanently.

There have been many times in my life where I felt like I had to tone down my fashion sensibilities out of fear that it would give away my gayness. But once I started accepting myself for who I am I stopped giving a damn as to whether I looked gay or not. Looking nice makes me feel good, and if something simple as that boosts my confidence and mood then I'll do it without question.

I wore a fedora the other day to a community dinner. I don't want to sound too boastful but I look pretty damn dapper in it. Funny thing was that the one woman there who knows I'm gay because she's Anna's good friend was also wearing a fedora. We joked about calling each other to coordinate and then we arranged what we'd wear to church on Sunday. I bet she's really jealous that her husband doesn't dress as nice as me. But on second thought, I'm sure she's very relieved that he's at least straight.

Just because you missed me, Chase

This blog is stagnant. Just like my life. It used to be such a good place for me to hurl my confusion and frustration, so I'll give it a go again. These past few months have been strange and crazy and great and hard. Here's a brief list of what's gone on:

I made it through another semester of hellishness.
I graduated from college.
I came out to my parents (first came out of the spiritual closet, then I was pulled out of the homosexual closet).
I started a new job (a real grown-up job!)
Anna and I started marriage counseling.

Telling my parents that I don't believe in the church was hard. I didn't realize that they would take it much harder than when I came out about being gay to them. I never finished that letter to them but this blog pretty well goes through a lot of my development that has occurred where I left off in the last ten months or so. It was scary and hard for my parents to accept but I ended up having a very good conversation with my mom for several hours about it and I could really feel her love, even if she didn't understand. My dad is a little different. We haven't discussed my homosexuality at all but he has been very concerned about my views toward the church. Every time we've talked about it we've ended up arguing. It's led to an even greater strain in my relationship with my father.

My testimony in the church is something I haven't discussed a ton on here. To put it simply, I don't believe in the major truth claims of the church. One true church. Book of Mormon's historicity. Priesthood Authority. Ordinances of Salvation. Joseph Smith as a Prophet. Word of Wisdom. Pretty important stuff to believe in if you're a Mormon. I've found myself with a completely deconstructed faith. It's been a bit terrifying. It's also been incredibly freeing. I now no longer measure my worth by the expectations of an authoritarian organization. For a time I became a bit atheist. At this point I'm striving find faith again, so I'll consider myself an agnostic theist. Throughout all of this radical change in belief, however, I never stopped going to church. Sure, I'd skip Elder's quorum and Sunday School a lot when sacrament meeting left me bitter enough, and most of the time I go to keep the peace with Anna and help maintain reasonable control of the boys. But I've never been able to shake off the church completely. And perhaps I never will be able to.

Mormonism is as much a part of me as my homosexuality is a part of me. It's so ingrained into my psyche and culture and family life. And I realized that despite my complete lack of belief, I still seek out understanding and learning in the Mormon context through blogs in the mohosphere, support groups like Northstar, and podcasts like Mormon Stories and A Thoughtful Faith. Mormonism is very much the water I swim in, and I don't see any way to keep it from being an influence in my life.

I had a brief chat with my bishop about where I'm at.  I explained straight up that I don't believe in the church, that I not longer hold a recommend or keep my temple covenants, and I only go for my family. So what does he do with my self-proclaimed apostasy? He gives me a calling of course. I was asked to teach in the Elder's Quorum. We'll see how long this lasts before they release me for teaching false doctrine some of the many new things I've learned.  I told my bishop and Elder's Quorum President that I refuse to be hypocritical and teach something I don't believe just because it's in the lesson. Surprisingly, they were very understanding, and insisted that the men in the ward had something to learn from me. Talk about a completely different experience than I had with my last bishop. I've gotten past a lot of my bitterness toward the church and I do accept that it does much good in the lives of its members and can still be of benefit to me. I'm certainly not opposed to an opportunity to serve and perhaps allow others to see a completely different take on the church and spirituality. I also figured that since I've spent so much time breaking apart my beliefs lately that this would give me a chance to learn for myself what I truly believe in my heart.

So far I've taught two lessons. The first was very interesting. The lesson was about missionary work. I spun that into a discussion about the growth of the church and shared some stats that show people are leaving almost as fast as they're joining. Then discussed reasons why people leave the church. I shared the results of a poll that asked former Mormons why they leave and made the point that a very small percentage actually get offended or leave because they want to sin. Most of them leave because like I, they don't believe the doctrine. And then I talked about how we need to show love to people who question the church and reach out to them rather than make hurtful accusations about them. I did learn a lot and I think a meaningful experience was had by many of the men there (although I did make a few of them rather nervous and uncomfortable when I started mentioning the issues that people have with the church!) If you're interested in my lesson, check out the links at the end of this post.

I've realized that I'm very much a fence sitter. It's frustrating but I don't know how else to do things at this point. I don't believe in Mormonism yet I'm still quite active. On Sunday I wear my white shirt and tie at church in the morning and then in the afternoon I'll often work out, go shopping, or have a coffee in the afternoon.  I've really accepted and tried to embrace my homosexuality. I no longer share the church's homophobic views that would hold me back yet I still remain married to my wife. I see nothing sinful or immoral about homosexual behavior.  To me, same-sex relationships are as natural and meaningful as heterosexual relationships. My many marital difficulties cause me to contemplate divorce a lot. However, at the same time I do find joy in being married. There are many times when things between Anna and I are quite great. I have found a lot of fulfillment in having close friendships with other guys, particularly other gay guys. I strongly need these relationships, but unfortunately I've found that friends come and go, and no one has been a consistent part of my life like my wife has. Despite all the crap I've put her through and the intense emotions we've experienced in our marriage, she still loves me. She's becoming more accepting all the time and she really strives to understand me. Yet still I struggle with serious doubts of whether or not I can continue to live as a married man. However, being a father and family man is a significant part of my identity, although at times I struggle with that role.

I wonder how long I'll remain caught between different worlds like I am now. I feel a bit like I don't belong anywhere. I don't fit into the Mormon realm, since I don't believe it. I don't belong among the ex-Mormons, since I'm still active. I don't belong in the gay community since I'm married to a woman. I don't even feel like I fit into gay Mormon communities like Northstar because I don't view my homosexuality as some sort of affliction and I don't share some of the same views and values.  I don't necessarily think that I have to fit my identity into one neat box. I can very well be myself and walk my own path, it's just challenging. I feel like I'm just caught in this strange limbo where I'm not sure if I'm progressing in any particular direction.

Perhaps that's why I've slacked off on blogging. I feel like I have to report some sort of progress with each post and progress doesn't seem to be happening. But that's silly. This is my blog and I should be able to spew out whatever nonsense I want to, progress or no progress.So I will try to commit myself to blogging more. I think it's healthy for me. Perhaps one day I'll write a book and I'll be grateful for all the writing experience that this blog gave me. Or maybe I'll just write a blog that no one but like three people will read. Oh wait I've already done that. Now I'm just rambling. And I'm done.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/we-are-one?lang=eng

 

http://www.religiondispatches.org/archive/culture/5611/mormon_numbers_not_adding_up/

http://mormonstories.org/top-5-myths-and-truths-about-why-committed-mormons-leave-the-church/

 

http://www.whymormonsquestion.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Survey-Results_Understanding-Mormon-Disbelief-Mar20121.pdf

Dear Mom and Dad: I'm Gay (Part 2)

Derek - 

This is the second part of my letter to my parents in which I for the first time explain my homosexuality and my struggles surrounding it. This letter is getting very long, so there will be a third, and maybe even a fourth part to this series of posts. I have yet to finish it all, so I haven't given it to them, since I want them to have the full explanation at once.

The church's stance and approach toward homosexuality has changed greatly over the years. Click here to see a complete list of statements made by church leaders about this issue. Two leaders that were particularly outspoken on this topic were Pres. Spencer W. Kimball and Elder Boyd K. Packer. They taught that homosexuality was caused by such things as having a distant father and overbearing mother, or from being abused as a child, or was the result of sexual exploration and/or "deviance." While in my teens and on my mission I learned of these teachings, and they greatly affected me. I no longer accept these claims, and thankfully neither does the church anymore, and leaders are now content with stating that they do not know what causes one to be as I am. I know that none of these things were a part of my personal development, and so I do not blame you or anyone or any choice I made for my homosexuality.

However, I grew up feeling that there was something very wrong with me. I felt that I was never good enough or worthy enough because I was attracted to guys. The church teaches that homosexuality can be overcome through self-mastery, increased righteousness and the casting off of selfishness. These things made me feel like it was my fault for being the way that I am. That I hadn't done enough to overcome it, and as a result, I felt terrible about myself. As is common with those who experience low feelings of self-worth, I would do all I could to compensate by being as righteous and well-behaved as possible. Sure, I had my many other faults and weaknesses, but you can attest that I was a rather stalwart teenager and an especially faithful and hard-working missionary.

Yet I was still very depressed at times. As I write this I get emotional thinking about the amount of self-loathing I felt because I was gay. Because it was so painful being this way I tried to ignore it and push aside these struggles so I didn't have to deal with them. I tried to force myself to be anything but gay. I have since learned the hard way that you cannot force yourself to be someone you are not. I was also very homophobic. I felt that if I associated with anything or anyone that appeared even remotely gay it would either give me away or have an influence on me that would "turn me gay."

I felt that by following the gospel and by living right I could be "cured" of my homosexuality. That if I served a faithful mission and soon thereafter married in the temple I would be free of my attractions that troubled me so much. I also felt that I could make a marriage work if it was with an especially beautiful woman. I met Anna only a few months after I got home from my mission, and she is certainly beautiful, both inside and out. Our relationship progressed quickly, and it seemed like marriage was the obvious option. I knew that I was not attracted to her the same way that I am to men, but I felt that because we were both righteous and committed to the gospel we could undoubtedly make a marriage work.

Because I had been trying for so long to push aside my gay tendencies, I never allowed myself the chance to study much about homosexuality or come to terms with it. I had no idea how much it would impact mine and Anna's lives. So I didn't tell Anna about my attractions prior to our marriage. It did not take long after being married to realize that it was not the fix-all solution I thought it would be. Not only was I still very attracted to men, but I found it challenging to make a marriage work with a woman.

I told Anna about my same-sex attraction (SSA) after being married for just over a month. The feelings were eating away at me, and she could tell that something was wrong. Just a few weeks prior to that I had confided in my friend Kendall about it, who suggested that I see a counselor. I did, and both he and the counselor urged me to tell Anna, although I didn't feel ready to. When I told her it came as a shock. We both cried about it for a long time. Off and on throughout the first year of our marriage we both went to counselors at BYU and to our bishop with a determination to overcome this. Eventually, however, the subject became too much of a strain on our marriage. We discussed "my problem" less and less until we both ignored it as much as possible.

After that I did all I could to lose myself in my work, schooling, and duties as a father. I did my best to live the gospel to the fullest. While ignoring it did make things better temporarily, I found that frustration and resentment slowly built up inside me. Because I was trying so hard to suppress my feelings toward other men, I emotionally disengaged completely from nearly everyone in my life. Because my SSA made any friendships with other men complicated, and caused Anna anxiety, I eventually shut myself off from my friends. My classmate, whom I came out to a few months ago, afterwards described me during this time as an empty shell, like a zombie who went through day-to-day activities with no emotion or connection.

I've struggled with minor depression off and on for much of my adolescent and adult life. I think a lot of the time I didn't even realize I had depression. It gradually worsened and became very apparent. For over a year I tried to remedy it with exercise and other methods, and eventually I sought the help of a doctor earlier this year. It has helped but it still doesn't seem like a solution to the problem, since I feel that it is directly related to my struggles with being gay.

Also during this time my doubts in the church began to build. I never studied anti-Mormon literature, but intellectually there were many things which didn't make sense to me. I had always allowed my faith to carry me and put these doubts aside, but over time though these doubts grew and grew, to the point that in my heart I couldn't feel that the church was true. I began to feel different and alienated in my ward. I hated going to Elder's Quorum because I couldn't relate to the other men in the ward. Attending church became an increasingly frustrating experience for me.

It was about this time that Josh Weed came out as a married gay Mormon on his blog. Reading about him made me realize that I too, could be gay and not just bisexual or same sex attracted. It certainly made a lot more sense when I looked at it that way. In a way it was a relief to learn that there were others in my situation, since for so long I had felt alone and isolated. Reading his story brought a lot of my problems and  issues to the forefront as I realized that although we were in the same situation, my experiences with being a married gay man really differed from his. 

All of these struggles (my depression, spiritual doubts, and homosexuality) came to a boiling point last year when Anna was visiting family and friends for a week and I had a lot of time to myself to think things through. I felt that the way I was living my life was very fake and forced, and I longed to be truly authentic. I was feeling terribly alone and misunderstood. The way the church viewed homosexuality as if it were a disease to be cured of left me feeling like there was something very wrong with me, and I became very frustrated with any of the views or approaches that the church had on this issue. I was full of shame and self-hate, and I knew that something had to change, for the sake of my own mental health.

Dear Mom & Dad: I'm Gay. (Part 1)

Derek-
There's been a lot going on in my life lately. I went through some rather hellish weeks as school, work, and my marital troubles intensified. But I am glad to be on the other side of that as a college graduate with a new job. I now have a bit more time for other things, like this blog I've been neglecting.

On Easter weekend I told my parents how I felt about the church. I explained that my temple recommend was expiring that month and I didn't have the desire nor the testimomy to renew it. They were absolutely devastated. Then a few weeks later Anna went to my parents' house for a few days while I was thick in the stress of finals. There my parents asked her if I was gay, and she confirmed it. Apparently my sister was suspicious of a friend of mine that had posted pics of us together on facebook and they drew their conclusions from that. I sure wish they would have just spoken to me about it first rather than talking about it with everyone in my family but me. Oh well.

So after my graduation my mom handed me a letter in which she finally brought up that she knew I "struggled with same gender attraction." I decided that I would respond in like manner so I wrote her and my dad a letter. I'll share parts of that lengthy letter with you. This is the first time they are ever hearing about my struggles with being gay, as well as the first time they're hearing anything about my problems with pornography. Perhaps it can be of some help to those of you who are also just coming out to family as well.

Dear Mom and Dad,
As I told you earlier, I have lots to share with you. It is my hope that there will be more understanding between us as I explain in depth my struggles. It has taken me my whole life to process this, and you have only reached conclusions very recently, so I don't expect you to make sense of it all at once. First let me be very clear: much of my struggles both past and present are because I am gay, and I am doing all I can to keep the best interests of everyone dear to me in mind as I continue to navigate these waters.

I understand that this is a very scary challenge for not just me, but for both of you as well as Anna, and others who are invested in our marriage. Please understand that I am doing the best I can given the circumstances, and I am trying to move forward as thoughtfully and sensitively as possible. I'd like to provide you with some background to help you better see where I'm coming from.

I experienced my first physical attractions to guys when I was about 12, around the time most boys start to develop feelings for girls. Before that I can recall having nonphysical attractions to men as early as five that may or may not be related to my homosexuality. At a young age I always sensed that I was different from others, though I couldn't explain why. 

Because of the many misconceptions about homosexuality that exist both in the church and the community I was raised in, all while growing up I experienced great shame and fear regarding my attractions. So I did everything I could to hide these feelings from everyone. I had "crushes" on girls because that's what my friends were doing. I had a "girlfriend" in Jr. High (although only for a short period of time) partly because I wanted to fit in and also because I didn't want people to realize that there was something "wrong" with me.

In High School I dated girls because it was fun and I was friends with the girls I dated. I was especially good friends with Sarah. I have such great respect and admiration for her, and I even grew to love her. We had a strong emotional connection. However, as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I was not physically attracted to her. As hard and confusing as it was to break up with her just after my mission, I knew that I couldn't make intimacy in marriage work with her.

All through my teens and into my adulthood I continued to struggle with my attractions to men.  I would have intense crushes and fantasies about other male friends, classmates, and mission companions. I even experienced struggles with gay pornography. Although I discussed these issues with caring bishops, I never disclosed that they were of other men, out of great fear of being found out.  That fear kept me completely silent about my homosexuality to anyone until I was 22 and married.

The Case for Mormon Marriage Equality

Derek- 
The biggest threat to the life of Utahans aged 15-24 is not drugs, alcohol, disease, or even auto accidents. Here in our state known for family values and strong religious ties, suicide is the leading killer of our teens and young adults. In fact, Utah leads the nation in suicides of men in this age group, and the data gets even more appalling as you look further. Of these early deaths of Utah’s young population, 89% are males. One third of these men are homosexuals, making up the single largest group of suicides. The percentages among the LDS church are very much the same, with over 30% of suicides of its membership reported as having “gender identity issues,” (LDS Church News).  Nationally, homosexuals make up approximately 5% of the total population.  According to estimates by the American Association of Suicidology, LGBT youth are 3.4 times more likely to kill themselves than their straight peers. An increase in amounts of rejection causes the likelihood of suicide to increase, and that is most certainly the case given the hostility of our social environment for our gay brothers, sons, and friends in Utah and throughout the LDS church.­

Being a gay Mormon and having lived in Utah for most of my adult life, I wondered what would contribute to such a suicide epidemic among our gay youth? According to the American Association of Suicidology, high rates of suicide among this group are associated with social environments with high rates of victimization and homophobic attitudes. Their studies of suicides among gay youth show that much of what puts them at risk of suicide stems from the social and cultural environment. Societal attitudes such as believing that nothing can help, the notion that seeking help is a sign of weakness, the denial of serious issues, and embarrassment about acquiring help can create a societal mindset that breeds suicidal behavior. Family acceptance of gay youth is also a key factor. In doing a study on the effects of family acceptance of LGB youth, it was found that, “LGB youth who experienced severe family rejection were more than 8 times more likely to report having attempted suicide compared with peers from families with little or no rejection."

It is quite the internal dilemma that we gay Mormons face. We have strong religious beliefs we value, which are uplifting to us. We have close family ties and a community that cares for them. The core teachings of the church are centered on the doctrine that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan." Combined with our own spiritual experiences that are powerful and affirming, we find ourselves strongly connected to the church. On the other hand, we have innate, powerful emotions that all humans have. We have needs to love and be loved. However, we find ourselves connecting emotionally, romantically, intellectually, and even spiritually with those of the same sex.  These powerful attractions for the same gender are just as strong for homosexuals as they are for heterosexuals with the opposite gender.  However, we are made to feel that these feelings make us a bad person, even sinful. Despite a changing attitude and approach in the LDS church, phrases like "struggling with same-gender attraction" are still used in the same manner as one struggles with a terrible disease.

It should not be surprising then, that faithful gay Mormons find themselves inextricably torn between two equally large aspects of their lives—faith and feelings. These two seemingly opposing forces can become so irreconcilable that the inner conflict becomes unbearable.  According to research on the effect of religion on homosexuals, it was found that gay young adults and teens experienced great amounts of religious-based depression because of their inner conflict regarding their sexual orientation, or due to how they were treated by the members of their congregation (Dehlin, 38). This kind of experience is found in the example of Kevin, who shared with me his struggles as a gay youth in the LDS church. He was rejected and ostracized by his peers in Primary and the youth program for being different. He described his conflict with the church by stating that, “Being gay and being LDS can never coincide. There is no gray, sadly, there is only the black: being LDS, and the white, being gay."

Another chilling example of this struggle is in the experience of a woman I’ll call Sarah. She was raised in a conservative LDS home. Growing up, she followed all the teachings of the church, considering herself a “Molly Mormon.” However, her same-sex attraction confused her, since she was always taught that homosexuality was a sin and a choice. Her feelings became so repressed that eventually she fell into depression, and there were times that she felt that suicide was the only way out. She felt that she would rather be dead than tell anyone she was gay, knowing that being gay would bring more shame upon her family than her suicide. Fortunately, she did not end her life as many gay youth have done. She has finally come to accept and love herself for who she is, despite her family’s shock and disapproval of her homosexuality.

It is true that the views of the church toward homosexuality are changing with the recent launch of the church website, mormonsandgays.org, and it is a much needed change. The new stance of the church affirms that same-sex attraction, “is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters." This increased love and understanding towards gays is absolutely necessary, however, there must be more change in the church than this if we are to completely rid our society of homophobic attitudes that are so distressing to our gay youth. 

This is great progress that church leaders are beginning to acknowledge that homosexuality is inherent and not purely a choice. The church no longer teaches that experiencing same-sex attraction is a grave sin, or is the result of a choice and could be cured.  Homosexuality is tied to both biological and pre-natal developmental factors. Studies have shown that it can be genetic, can run in families, and there are many chromosomal linkages to homosexuality, such as handedness, finger lengths, and the number of older brothers one has. Studies have also shown that homosexuality is “more prevalent than assumed, present in both the broader animal kingdom and across various human cultures, and is not associated with psychological maladjustment, malfunctioning, or maladaptation” (Dehlin, 57). It is clear then, that homosexuality is just another facet of God’s creations. As with any of His creations, there is reason and purpose behind why gays are born that way. 

So what is a person to do when they find themselves naturally drawn to those of the same sex? It states in the church’s official direction to those who are same-sex attracted, “President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that those with same-gender attraction who do not express these inclinations may ‘go forward as do all other members of the Church." Where many of them struggle is finding how to go forward with life and with whom in a church that so strongly emphasizes marriage and family. The options for a gay Mormon are not even clearly stated by the church. In his doctoral dissertation that focuses on the psychosocial aspects of being gay and Mormon, John Dehlin explains these three options:

1) Live a celibate life, relying on faith and righteousness.

2) Marry someone of the opposite gender. This is known as a mixed-orientation marriage. Included in this way of life is often some sort of sexual orientation change effort and an increase in personal righteousness.

 3) Pursue a same-sex relationship and either leave the church, or face excommunication (p.58).

Due to the teachings of the church, there is a strong stigma associated with homosexuality. So many young adults live with the fear of being cut off from their family, community and even God, so they view the life of an LGBT individual as an impossibility. For those that do choose to leave the church because of their homosexual orientation, they are put at risk of a multitude of problems such as “anxiety, depression, family rejection, loss of social connections and support, less satisfaction with life, and suicidality” (Dehlin, 55). For many, choosing a life of celibacy is also problematic (Dehlin, 39). A celibate lifestyle can be difficult to maintain, and studies show that it is associated with poorer mental health (Dehlin, 60). It is hard for people to be hopeful about a future that is ripe with loneliness and possible depression. With such a focus on family in the church, a celibate individual can easily feel estranged. In fact, under nearly every circumstance, celibacy is discouraged in the church, except for with the case of homosexuality. 

Marriage, on the other hand, can seem like a viable option to the faithful Latter-day Saint desperate to follow the church’s plan for him. Marriage is associated with better health, and gives one a greater sense of purpose and meaning. However, the many studies on mixed orientation marriage are highly discouraging. Case studies point out that common problems of these kind of marriages are: “sexual and emotional dissonance, disorientation, despair, spiritual turmoil, insecurity, resentment, pain and infidelity” (Dehlin, 61). Divorce rates for mixed orientation marriages range from 57% to as high as 85%. Formerly, the church counseled young gay men to get married, giving them the false impression that it would cure them of their same-sex attraction. In 1987, President Hinkley explained that “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again” (LDSResources).  Although men are no longer told officially in the church to “marry the gay away,” the sentiment that marriage is the solution is still felt in the church today. In fact, 31% of gay LDS men marry women, and that number is 10% higher than the national average (Dehlin, 61). 

The attitudes in the church toward homosexuality lead many to believe that it something that can be cured or overcome. Sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE) have become highly sought after by gay Mormons. Concerned with the increase of these forms of therapy, the American Psychological Association conducted a study on the effectiveness and viability of these efforts. They found that not only were these efforts ineffective at changing one’s sexual orientation, but that they were damaging. It was even found that religious-based SOCE are among the most damaging and least effective of all methods chosen. Those receiving such treatment were shown to experience the following:

“Decreased self-esteem and authenticity to others; increased self-hatred and negative perceptions of homosexuality; confusion, depression, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, shame, social withdrawal, and suicidality; anger at and a sense of betrayal by SOCE providers; an increase in substance abuse and high-risk sexual behaviors; a feeling of being dehumanized and untrue to self; a loss of faith; and a sense of having wasted time and resources,” (APA, 50).

These findings led the APA to declare that sexual orientation is very unlikely to change, and to highly discourage any efforts to change one’s orientation. Their conclusion is that homosexuality is a healthy and normal variation of human sexuality, and it is not something that should be pathologized. Because of how harmful it can be, the APA urges those involved with administering SOCE to stop telling people that they can change their orientation (APA 120-121). This goes entirely counter to what the church tells its members. In the pamphlet God Loveth His Children it states that “many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality.” 

What then, is to be done about this issue? So many gay members, upon finding themselves unable to change their sexual orientation, are left disoriented without any options for their lives. According to LeeBeckstead, a psychologist who focuses his research on gay Mormons, explains that, "the thought of killing yourself comes from the sense of [having] no option. After many anxious efforts of trying to change one's sexuality…suicide becomes a way to end the pain” (Beckstead). To put an end to this suicide epidemic, we as members of the church must continue to bring about a less hostile social environment for gay Mormons. Eventually, the LDS church must become accepting of gay marriage, thus giving their faithful gay members an option other than suicide.

There are plenty of oppositions within the church and throughout the nation on gay marriage. The first reason why people oppose it is because it is believed to be an issue of doctrine. There are only a few scriptures in the Bible that oppose homosexual acts, the bulk of them being part of what is called the Levitical code. Using this as a reason to condemn homosexuality seems only convenient. As Clark Pingree, a gay Mormon states, “If we truly followed the Levitical code that speaks out against homosexuality, then we should also legalize polygamy, encourage concubinage, legalize prostitution, prohibit inter-tribal and interracial marriage, ban all forms of birth control, strip women of their civil rights, and marry off our thirteen year old daughters."  There are very few other examples of God’s disdain for homosexuality. It is not mentioned in the four Gospels, the Book of Mormon, the Pearl of Great Price, or even the Doctrine and Covenants. Joseph Smith said nothing about this issue. It appears then, that the church’s stance on homosexuality stems from well-meaning leaders of the church that are subject to the biases and mindsets of society

I cannot understand how allowing gays to marry destroys the institution of marriage. The purpose of marriage is to establish commitment and strengthen the bonds of a family. Why would we not want to strengthen the families of those that are currently in same-sex relationships? Allowing gays to marry will not take any rights away from those that are already married heterosexually. Those who fear that allowing gay marriage will lead to a slippery slope in which everyone turns gay and the world population ceases to replace itself have completely illogical fears, especially given the studies as to the unchanging nature of sexual orientation. Also given the APA’s assessment that homosexual behaviors and attractions are positive and normal variations of human sexuality, it cannot be assumed that allowing gays to marry would bring about higher instances of rape, bestiality, pedophilia, or any other behavior associated with mental illness or sexual deviation (APA 121).

Many feel that the stance of the church on homosexuality is God’s doctrine, and that His doctrine is not changed by shifting views in society. We must remember the example, however, of how the church came to allow African Americans the right of holding the priesthood. Prior to 1978, black people in the church were denied the priesthood and thus a fullness of the temple ordinances. The American civil rights movement brought about a change in social mindset that allowed the prophet Spencer W. Kimball to be open to receiving revelation regarding the change of policy in the church. Polygamy, an issue also directly related to the institution of marriage, is a similar example. The practice of polygamy caused a very poor outlook on the church, and in 1890 after much pressure from the federal government, President Wilford Woodruff announced the discontinuance of the practice. Doctrine and Covenants section 132 even establishes in scripture that plural marriage as a part of God’s law, yet social change eventually led to the end of polygamy in the mainstream LDS church. 

Picketing on Temple Square won’t necessarily bring about marriage equality in the church. What can bring about this is the change in the attitudes of the members. As latter-day saints seek to understand and accept gay people for who they are and who God created them to be, they will embrace them rather than seek to change them. Viewing gay marriage as being equal to that of any other civil marriage will not destroy the family or frustrate God’s plan of salvation; it merely provides a welcome and healthy option for our young LDS gays. Allowing gays to take full and active part in the church will help keep them from substance abuse, promiscuity, and other risky behaviors that are involved in leaving the church’s safety net. Parents, church leaders, and loved ones should be supportive and encouraging of monogamous healthy same-sex marriages as they are the option that allows for full reconciliation of faith and sexuality. The commonly stated phrase, “Hate the sin, love the sinner” does not send a message of love and acceptance. Instead it tells someone to hate something simply because of the way one loves someone. 

I am grateful that the church is making progress in reaching out to its gay and lesbian members. It gives me hope that one day there will no longer be a culture of homophobia in Utah and throughout the church. I look forward to the day where our gay youth will no longer feel the need to kill themselves because they feel they are left with no options or opportunity to express love the way that they experience love. I hope that by accepting gay marriage the same way that the church views any other non-temple marriage we can bring many who have been hurt by the attitudes of the church back into the fold, thus allowing them the same blessings that other members enjoy. As taught in the Book of Mormon, I hope that the full inclusion of all gays in the church will bring about “a way that thereby others might be partakers of the heavenly gift, that they might hope for those things which they have not seen” (Ether 12:8) 

Dehlin, John P. "Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Religiosity and Psychosocial Health amongst Same-sex Attracted Mormons." Diss. Utah State University, 2012.