Letter to My Bishop

There's recently been a bit of discussion in the moho blogosphere about the shame associated with pornography use. I wanted to include this letter to my bishop because it contains the clearest way that I can express how I feel about this topic. Also, I'm not trying to encourage harsh criticism toward leaders of the church, but I do feel that it is important for us to think critically about the kind of help we receive (or don't receive) from bishops and stake presidents who are just as human as everyone else. Since homosexuality is so misunderstood by the church, I hope this approach is helpful.

Dear Bishop,

I prefer to communicate with you this way rather than in person. I greatly lack in the ability to represent myself verbally, and every time I go to your office I leave very frustrated and feeling completely misunderstood, as if I’ve been attacked or interrogated. Your approach causes me to feel very inferior and defensive, and the added anxiety gets me worked up to the point where I lack clarity of thought or speech. I hope that this method will allow complete honesty and understanding to exist between us. In writing this I’ve tried to allow myself time to let go of much of the bitterness that I have towards you, however, I apologize if some of that still shows through. Please allow me first to make a few things very clear, after which I will provide you with some background that I hope will help you to understand my situation better. 

-          I do not view the use of pornography as acceptable behavior, especially for a man holding the priesthood of God.

-          When I explained some of my thoughts on masturbation you wrongly assumed that I felt the same way about pornography use. 

-          I do my best to sustain the leaders of the church and follow the counsel of the prophets. Admittedly, I have a few reservations which I am trying my best to resolve, but my behavior has shown that I do not intentionally defy their counsel. 

-          In no way do I try to convey myself as being guiltless or innocent, rather I see myself as an imperfect, struggling man doing my best to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

-          Yes, I am critical of church policies and practices. I think it is only natural to question that which is a large part of your life. However, in my questioning I’m doing my best to have patience with the church. I’m praying also for the faith and humility to understand the things about the church that leave me frustrated. I do not question the core doctrines of the church, just the manner in which those doctrines are applied. 

-          I am completely committed to my marriage and family.

I have struggled with addiction to pornography off and on ever since I was a teen.  I’ve known that I’m attracted to men since even before that. It was something that I thought would go away once I was married, but that has definitely not happened. Out of fear, I never told anyone about my homosexuality before I was married. Shortly afterward, I broke down and told my wife. This was an extremely challenging time for us. Thanks to the help of two wonderful bishops and an LDS family therapist, we made it through that first year of our marriage. I told them some of the very same things I told you. Although they didn’t understand, they did their best to help me feel loved. They offered me spiritual support. They gave me priesthood blessings. They met with my wife and I together. One bishop even called my wife and me as temple workers to give me the added spirituality I needed to fight the porn addiction. They tried to help me understand that it is not a sin to be attracted to men, but acting on that attraction is. At that time the sentiment of the church was that same-sex attraction is something akin to a disease (that has changed only very recently with the launch of the new church website, www.mormonsandgays.org) and so I treated it like a disease with the assumption that I would be cured through faithful living of the gospel. However, recently I have learned that my attraction to men is very much a part of who I am.  Just before I met you I came to accept the fact that I am a gay man and always will be.  These past few months have been by far the most difficult months both for me and my wife as we’ve grappled with this realization and what it means for our marriage.

As I began to learn more about homosexuality and the church’s teachings on the subject, I became very hurt with many of the things that the church has done and said about it. It shouldn’t be any surprise that because of the church’s attitude toward homosexuality, Utah has one of the highest gay suicide rates in the nation.  This and many other things rocked my faith and testimony. It was at this time of my lowest point of spirituality that I turned to you. I understood that I would need to face the consequences of my porn addiction, but I was so desperate for spiritual help that I was willing to go through that. I was expecting spiritual support and encouragement. I was expecting to be shown the love and hope that is part of the Atonement. I was expecting some guidance to my wife and I together that would help us to improve our marriage. I got none of that from you.

Instead, I’ve left our few meetings feeling more confused and frustrated than ever. I was drowning, and rather than being offered help out of the water I felt like I was being criticized for my poor swimming techniques. The issues with my marriage go much deeper than my porn addiction, and you chose to not only focus on that issue and ignore others, but to make it seem like more of a problem in my marriage than it is. Your actions toward me felt very punitive, with the objective of shaming me unto repentance. My wife also felt punished, as she was left to go alone to the temple dedication and to do temple work by herself. Not only that, but you denied both of us the opportunity of having a calling in the ward for several months without even asking us about it or telling us that you had advised the Relief Society presidency not to give her an assignment. This really hurt and embarrassed her, and just caused her to have more resentment toward me that made our marriage problems even worse. You threatened me by saying that my porn addiction would lead to divorce, even when I tried to explain to you that I was concerned about much more difficult issues than porn. Up to 85% of mixed-orientation marriages like mine end in divorce, even in the church. This is due to the emotional and physical dissonance and insecurity that exists when one spouse is gay, not just because of porn. These sort of problems contribute to my fear of infidelity that I expressed to you, which you totally misconstrued to say that I viewed porn as the acceptable lesser of two evils. 

I disagree entirely with how the church goes about the issue of pornography. I recently learned that Utah is the most porn-consuming state in the nation, and I am shocked and saddened (see the study here). The approach of the church creates a lure for boys as they have incessant warnings about pornography pounded down their throats from the time they are in primary. Not only that, but it creates a stigma that pits wives against their husbands and gives them justification to play up the victim role (that video you showed the ward a few months ago is a prime example of this). This worsens marital relationships, thus exacerbating the porn addiction. This only increases the intense shame and guilt that men already feel. This shame and guilt is fuel that feeds the fire of addiction, keeping the men of the church trapped in the cycle. Also, as with most addictions, the more reminders one has about it the more one is likely to succumb. Thankfully, you are not as absurd as another bishop I know of who insisted that the individual he was working with text him every evening to report on whether or not he had viewed pornography that day.

Your approach is focused on me having regular reminders of my addiction, and “punishments” that add to my shame. Shame and guilt is not a motivator for me. The hope and love offered by Christ’s Atonement is my motivation. The scriptures you assigned me to read are powerful, but they also reinforce the notion that I am to feel as guilty and horrible as possible in order to change, thus feeding the shame cycle. I do accept our prophets as divine witnesses of Christ who are inspired of God, but because they have been wrong in the past about homosexuality and other issues, I have a hard time trusting everything they say. When you asked me if I would do anything a prophet asked of me I told you no because I do not view everything that comes out of their mouth to be doctrine. Instead I take their counsel to God through prayer. President Hinckley’s counsel to pray to be released from the stain of pornography is excellent, but it is definitely coming from someone who has never been under the powerful grasp of porn addiction. Although nothing is impossible for God, I have come to learn that for me, I cannot “pray the gay away,” nor can I pray the porn addiction away as I have tried this many times. It is not something that can be overcome by fighting it head on. Instead, I view the addiction as a manifestation of unmet needs and imbalance in my life. Porn addiction is tied to my depression, my struggling spirituality, my insecurity and lack of fulfillment in my marriage, as well as the way I handle the great amount of stress that I am under as a father of two kids who works two jobs while going to school full time. I am fighting my addiction to porn by working to improve in these areas directly so that there can be a balance in my life. That is the approach I am using to work towards my goal to one day be completely free from porn addiction (for more in-depth explanation of this approach, check out this podcast). I was being completely honest with you when I said that my struggles with pornography have improved over the past month. I only wish you could have rejoiced with me over this improvement rather making me feel even more attacked.

I was very hurt when you immediately came to the conclusion that I was immoral and unfit to bless my newborn son. I take my role as a father very seriously, and I do not appreciate anything coming between me and my sons. I know I am worthy. My wife knows I am worthy. Yes, I struggle. Yes, I make mistakes that make me unclean. I am far from perfect. However, God does not expect me to ever become perfect until the next life. Until then, I have to keep working to be a better person and go from grace to grace, just as everyone else in the church does. The fact that you ignored the statement in the church handbook that one does not even need to be temple worthy to bless their own child leads me to think that you are using your position of power to make the blessing of my son as the “carrot before the horse” that will bring me unto repentance. Because I disagree with your methods so much, my child will not be blessed in this ward. If your opinion of me changes, I would like to bless my son in the ward that my father is a bishop over this Sunday, with your permission. If you stick to your judgments of me, we will postpone the blessing until we are members of another ward. We are doing this because we want the blessing of my son to be focused on the love that my wife and I have for him, and to be a demonstration of the gratitude that we have to God for bringing him into our home.  Since next Sunday is the first Sunday of the new year, we feel that it is an appropriate time for us to make ourselves members of another ward. I also expect that I will feel more comfortable attending church there so that I can get the spiritual nourishment that I need so much right now.

I’m sorry if this has come across as being harsh. I hope that one day I’ll be able to let go of my bitterness and we’ll be able to see this as a big misunderstanding. I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Derek

Holiday Musings

I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I love them because I get a much-needed break from school and work, and I hate them because I'm not busy working or going to class. It's strange. I'm quite a workaholic, and so going from working all day (and night) during finals and then having very little to do during the break causes me anxiety. But then again going to school causes tremendous anxiety as well. Meh, I guess I'm just always anxious. The hardest part was getting together with my side of the family. I have a large family, with many nieces and nephews, and I feel like I can only take them in small dosages. Whenever we get together, I probably seem like such a recluse. I play in the corner with my kid, sit on the other end of the room reading, or make the excuse that I need a nap. I guess I just don't fully connect or relate to my family. I feel so different from them. I always have. It seems like every time I see them for holidays my depression worsens and I leave wishing I had just stayed home. I wonder if any of my family has noticed or perhaps they just think that I'm always like that.

There have been some great aspects of this holiday break. For the first time ever I spent Christmas at my own home with my little family, and I liked it so much better than going to my parents or in-laws. It was peaceful, less chaotic, and I am able to be more in control of my environment. I also get to spend more time with my kids, which is awesome. My infant son is practically glued to my side all day and night, and he usually freaks when he's put down, but I don't mind having him as a little snuggle buddy. My other son is in an extremely cute phase right now. He says some of the funniest things and has the most hilarious antics. It's easy to miss all the little things in life like this when you feel burdened down with worry and depression, so I'm so grateful for the opportunity to take life a little slower and allow myself the chance to relish the tender moments.

The best part is that I've been able to reconnect with my wife. The stress of kids, work, and school during this past semester only exacerbated our marital issues, and having more time for each other has been very healthy. I have more hope now that things can work out for us, and so does my wife. It's funny how much has changed between us in the past few months. We've gone from being too afraid to bring up "my issue" to talking about it openly all the time. She's much more accepting of my homosexuality, and she's making great progress in understanding it all. Never in my marriage have we been so open and honest with each other, and it's great! It's all still very new and strange to her, but we're able to joke about my sexuality now. We talk about the men we find attractive and tease each other about our celebrity crushes. She asks me about all my gay friends, and she even had one of them over for dinner last week. That helped her a ton, because she was able to see how non-threatening and beneficial these friendships are to me. Today she kept singing, "Bromance." It's stuck in her head because I showed her the music video while trying to explain the endearing aspects of one of my friendships!

My wife and I like to laugh together over the drama that goes on in the gay community. You single guys know what I'm talking about. You all have the most interesting "interactions." I'll admit, there's been times these past few months that I've wished I were single or I regret getting married. I thought that life would be so much less complicated and happier if I weren't married to a woman. However, you guys have shown me that it doesn't matter whether you're single or married, being a gay Mormon sucks! (and it's made me appreciate being married.)

In all seriousness, we all struggle. We all have challenges. As a young married man, mine are much different than the rest of my gay friends close to my age (who are all unmarried). It's a completely different dynamic being married with kids, but I really do feel your pain. It's hard feeling misunderstood. It's scary to feel alone. It is miserable to feel hopeless about the future. It hurts to have unmet needs and desires. It is extremely challenging to reconcile our homosexuality with Mormonism. We stumble and make mistakes. We make asses out of ourselves. We hurt ourselves and those we love. We let our minds get clouded by emotion. We find ourselves riding the wave of emotions, feeling on top of the world one day and completely wretched the next.

But you know what? It's ok. That's what this life is all about. We learn what we need to learn, and we move on. We're not alone. We have each other. This community of bloggers has been incredibly helpful to me. I love reading about your views and perspectives. I love the exchange of ideas and the offering of support. The situation regarding homosexuality in the church is discouraging, but there is hope, and changes (as small as they are) are happening. I see all of us as being part of that change. I think it would be awesome to one day in the future be able to see things in an entirely better state than they are now and be able to look back and appreciate the role that we played in that change.

If you do feel like you're going at it alone, don't give up. Know that there are many who stand ready to accept you. Heck, feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I don't claim to be anywhere close to having everything figured out, but then again who really does? Helping others helps me because it keeps me from getting too selfish and self-centered. Also, remember that no matter what, you always have a God in heaven that loves you. He knows you better than anyone, and you've been given the trials you have as an opportunity to come to know Him and yourself better.

Christmas must have put me in a good mood. We'll see how long I can ride this wave. Happy New Year everyone!

The Ugly Duckling: Gay Mormon Style

In my last post I mentioned that I wanted to become unburdened with unrealistic expectations for my marriage. I realize now that I'm not even fully sure that I know what that means. So I wanted to explore this a bit and see if anyone else had input on this subject.

My line of thinking is that I no longer want to live with a false sense of reality. I have been doing that for many years in my marriage. After initially coming out to my wife early on, we took some time to address the shock of it all, I went to some counseling, and things got a bit better. However, the reason things got better is because we learned how to avoid the topic of my homosexuality altogether. It was just too painful for both of us to deal with.

Allow me to explain my situation with a metaphor. You know the ugly duckling from the well-known children's story? That's me. The point when I came out to my wife was like saying, "I'm not like other ducks. I don't walk like, talk like, or swim like other ducks." This caused chaos and instability in my marriage. It seemed then that the most obvious solution to this problem was to walk the walk, talk the talk, and swim just as all the other ducks in the pond did. This went on for over two and a half years. I did most everything I could to be theI best duck possible.

But something still didn't feel right. Life as a duck felt too fake, too forced, and too scripted. I wondered why I couldn't just get the same joy out of life the way that other ducks did. Loneliness and isolation set in. With that came self hate and loathing. There were times I thought I would rather be dead than continue being the ugly duckling that I was.

Just when I reached an all-time low, I spotted a different flock. They did not walk like, talk like, or swim like other ducks. They were swans, and I was scared of them. Then one day as I was looking at my reflection in the water came the realization: I am not an ugly duckling. I too am a swan.
With this realization came a flood of emotions. I was relieved that there was nothing wrong with me as I had thought all along. There was less shame in the way I walked and talked. I began to feel less pressure to continue the charade of acting like a duck. I even made friends with some swans and found that they were not as scary as I thought they were. However, this new realization was not without its difficulties. My duck wife was not sure she could remain married to a swan. My duck bishop ignored the fact that I am a swan, and simply told me that I was a bad duck. I felt as though there were no place for me in the duck pond, and I began to agonize over the thought of ever having to leave my nest of ducklings.

I've recently decided to commit myself to working on my marriage. By default that also means that I am staying in the Mormon duck pond. So what am I to do? How do I live without  the burden of unrealistic expectations? I cannot unlearn the fact that I am a swan. I cannot expect to be magically transformed into a duck. Do I continue acting like a fake duck? Do I act like a swan yet remain in the pond with the ducks? Is there any way of taking flight with the other swans? I don't know.

This blog post turned out much differently than I expected. I hadn't planned on carrying out that metaphor for so long. It just seems to fit the situation so well. This leaves me thinking: will I ever be at peace with myself? Is it ok to be a swan among ducks? Will I ever feel like an authentic swan? How can I find joy in staying in the duck pond?

Hope Amid the Turmoil

These past two weeks have very much been a crucible for me. It seems that combined with all the hellish stress of finals, everything else that I've been struggling with has come to a head recently. I've experienced some of my darkest moments, and my range of emotions has been all over the charts. That being said, the sweet has come with the bitter, and some incredible moments have been sprinkled throughout the storm. I'm going to try to address all the various elements that have been part of this craziness, so this post may be a bit choppy, but here it goes.

School/Work:
 This past semester has been the hardest for me in my entire academic career. Creditwise it has been less than others I've taken (last spring I did 18), but combined with all the personal struggles and other demands on my time it has contributed to a big academic train wreck. I've never turned in so many late assignments before. However, I have some very understanding professors which has helped a ton. Thankfully I didn't fail any classes or lose my scholarship.

I've slept so little these past few weeks. I had so many all-nighters that I lost count. I rarely slept for more than three or four hours a night. Strangely enough, I haven't had to drink as much "unlawful" caffeinated beverages as I have in times past. I guess high levels of anxiety are great for keeping me alert enough to get all my papers and projects done.

I came out to my English teacher about a month ago. I was sitting in her office discussing my chosen topic for my persuasive research essay, and she challenged me to write about something personal, something that I think about a lot. So I told her a bit about the challenges I'm currently going through as a married gay Mormon. She was extremely kind and encouraging, and so I wrote my paper about the options for gay men in the LDS church. I learned a ton. I plan on posting it to this blog soon after I do some double-checking of of the data I used.

The other day I was talking with a classmate about the stress of school, and so I ended up telling her that I go to a counselor on a weekly basis. She was surprised that I would tell her that. It seems in Utah we have this fear of admitting that we're struggling because we are afraid that people will see us differently or think that we're not being righteous enough. But I've come to realize that everyone struggles, and if we let people think that our lives are peachy and perfect then it only makes them feel more inadequate when they compare themselves to us. We all have shit to work through, and so why don't we admit it and support each other through it? My classmate told me, "I've been wondering how you do it with two jobs, a full load of courses, and two kids. Now I know how!" I let out a smug grin and thought, "Oh you don't even know the half of it!" Counseling has certainly helped but I don't even know how I made it through. I've tried to surround myself with therapy in all forms. I exercise regularly, which is very important for me to do. Recently as things have gotten very hard, I've been blessed with great friends and family who have been there to support me and help me keep standing. (which is a great segue-way into the next element of my life).


Friendships:
Three weeks ago I felt very alone. Reading blogs helped, but I still felt very distant from people. Sure, I have old friendships, some great classmates, and a terrific counselor, but no one to whom I could turn to at any time for support when things got rocky in my marriage. That has changed. Partly because of this blog I have gained a small handful of gay friends. It's seriously like they started popping out of the floorboards or something! Now I have talks and texts and emails with gay guys all the time. I'm not exactly sure why but men who experience feelings similar to mine are so much easier to relate to and connect with. When my wife or counselor tell me, "It'll be ok," for some reason it doesn't offer the same kind of comfort and solace that those same words convey when I hear them from one of my gay friends. Even if they just empathize with me their sincerity means so much more to me. I suppose the reason it's this way is that it's part of my deeply rooted emotional need for a connection with other men.

One of these friends in particular has been terrific. I feel like I've known him for much longer than a few weeks. He has taken so much time to talk through my struggles with me, and his support has been incredibly valuable. Hearing his own struggles have helped me feel so blessed and fortunate. There were a few times that I was in a very ugly place spiritually and emotionally, and I have him to thank for pulling me out of that pit and providing a ray of sunshine in the midst of the storm.

Wife/Marriage:
I don't want to share too many details about my marriage. That's not the intent of this blog. I will just say that these past two weeks have been the roughest we've ever seen. We've stared divorce in the face. There were times that I lost all hope. I was miserable and my poor wife was equally as miserable. For so long she was mourning over our marriage and our future. It wasn't until she hit rock bottom that things started to change. She eventually realized that she could not continue to live with the attitude that her life held no possibility for joy. She came to me a few days ago with a changed perspective. I could see that she was starting to view our marriage with much more acceptance and hope. It was a beautiful moment.

There are those who wonder why I am still married. There are well-meaning individuals who have been through what I'm going through and have encouraged me to just end it now. It does make sense, after all, since it would be much harder to end my marriage 10-20 years from now, than to do it now. I would be able to allow my wife and I to move on and rebuild our lives. I would be able to be fully authentic in my sexuality, whatever that means.

But here's my thoughts on divorce for my situation: it doesn't seem like the answer. It doesn't seem like it will solve my problems and bring me happiness, at least not yet. I hesitate to use this comparison because I hate it when people compare being gay to having a disease, but here I'll compare it more to my marriage than my homosexuality. If a doctor were to tell me that I had an illness that gave me an 85% chance of dying in the next year, what would I do? Would I buy a gun on the way home from my appointment and shoot myself when I got home just because death is inevitable? Of course not! I would learn everything I could about my condition. I would seek the best professionals out there who can help me beat the odds. Although I would make the necessary preparations to die, I would do everything I could to get better. I would adjust my expectations and adapt however it was necessary. I would do my best to enjoy what time I have left in this life and make the most of it.

So this is the new attitude that I'm going to try to approach my marriage with. This line of thinking is what brings me the most hope for a happy future. This doesn't mean that I'm going to conform to the expectations of everyone around me. Instead I'm going to find my own way. I'm going to unburden myself with unrealistic expectations and put my marriage in God's hands. That's all that my wife and I can really do at this point.

Hole in my Heart

It seems that I've been coming out to people right and left lately. My wife and one of my best friends have known for a while, but this recent bit started with this blog. Then I came out to my bishop, then my English professor (more on that later), then my English TA, and yesterday I came out to my former roommate (the one mentioned in my last post). He called me yesterday, and we talked about his coming out. I wasn't planning on telling him originally because I didn't want to burden him with my troubles. I really needed someone to relate to about my feelings regarding the church, so as I was trying to explain myself I realized that what I was saying made no sense without the context of my homosexuality, and it all just came spilling out. It feels so good to have the support of understanding friends.

I suppose that coming out to more people is a sign of my acceptance of being gay. I'm shedding the shame that I've lived with for so long. Until recently I've considered my gayness as being a part of my greatest weaknesses and mistakes. It took me some time to learn that sexuality is not just about a lust for one gender or another. It's about the kind of person I crave attention and affection from. Who I long to spend my time with. It has to do with the kind of person I connect with spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. It's who I'm willing to open my heart to and be vulnerable with. For me that kind of person happens to be men. None of these are bad things. They are core human needs, desires, and emotions. If you look at it from that perspective, being gay is something that can be quite beautiful.

It's not all butterflies and rainbows when you're gay in a mixed-orientation marriage, however. Because these needs are natural and necessary, it's easy for me to feel very empty when they go unmet. I'm grateful that my wife is able to meet some of these needs, but there still seems to be such a huge disconnect. This leaves me with an aching hole in my heart that feels like its only growing larger. This hole is manifested by feelings of depression, isolation, loneliness, bitterness, resentment, and hopelessness. I've tried and tried many things in an effort to fill that hole somehow. I've tried being as righteous as possible. Even at my most righteous time of my life the aching remained. I've tried being more devoted to my marriage. There have been times that I turned myself into something more akin to a servant than a husband as I doted over my wife. This actually had negative effects as it caused my wife to be more dependent on me and increased my resentment toward her. Being a damn good husband still doesn't fill the hole. I've devoted myself to my church callings, tried my best to reach out to others in service, and kept myself as busy as possible in my studies. These sort of things only numb the pain temporarily. I've exercised religiously. Consequently I'm in the best shape of my life yet I'm still unfulfilled (btw, anyone at USU interested in having a workout buddy next semester? shoot me an email). I don't know if these feelings will ever go away, but I sure hope that somehow, someday they will.

Depression is ugly. No one should live with shame and self-hate. I'm trying to turn to God and listen to Him in a way that I've never done before, to open my mind up to a new world of outcomes and possibilities outside of the prescribed framework handed to me. I'll close this post with one of my favorite songs of late that I find myself turning to a lot. It is by a Christian rock band called Tenth Avenue North, called 'By Your Side:'

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?

'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you