No Fairy Tale

Derek-
I like happy endings. In telling my story on this blog if there are ever really depressing posts like I had last week I often feel the need to balance them out somehow with good news or some kind of resolution to my troubles. And I'm sure with all the drama that went down last week many of you may be eager to see what plays out for Anna and me. Without trying to turn my life into a daytime TV show, I'll explain the rest of our story.

After our big fight and brief time apart to cool down, we both gained more clarity of thought about our situation. When Anna came home the next day we both felt that no matter the outcome, we would both be ok. We don't have all the answers to all the fears, trials, and emotions we're facing, but we have been able to calmly talk through things. Having great friends who are understanding and willing to listen has also been incredibly helpful as I've tried to process everything.

 

We're taking things a bit at a time. For President's day we were able to get away together for a short vacation without the kids. We went to Sun Valley, ID and spent the day ice skating, shopping, eating, and perusing books in bookstores. We had a fun time, and it was great to have a chance to get ourselves away from the stresses of life and focus on each other for a bit. It really helped us a lot. It reminded us why we ever decided to get married in the first place. It reminded me that I really do love Anna and helped me see that I really do want her as a part of my life. We were able to sort out what issues of our marriage are due to me being gay and what other issues are just common to many straight marriages. If we're really going to work this out we have to make improvement in areas that we can change. So instead of focusing on the gay we're going to try to address other problems. Because the gayness is not going away. Like ever.

I'm not saying that its a fairy tale ending and we're all good now. Far from it. We will likely struggle like this over and over again. Living like this can be very emotionally draining at times, but for now it still seems worth it to stay together. 

I had some thoughts while we were ice skating that I'd like to share. We were joined on the rink that day with two other families. But these were no ordinary families. They were Mormon polygamists (FLDS). There were scads of energetic kids all over the place, a large handful of women in long denim skirts, and only two men. I half expected a reality TV show crew to be set up getting footage of it all. I was certainly surprised to see such a group doing a family outing like this, but it made me glad to know that even they can enjoy such "normal" activities as day trips to Sun Valley and ice skating.

I thought about what it might be like to be in the husband's shoes. I certainly do NOT envy him! I have a hard enough time being married to one woman and meeting her emotional needs. I cannot imagine the pressures he faces as he tries to balance work, children, and several wives. Although I disagree with the practice of polygamy for several reasons, I have to respect him and his wives for being so dedicated to a way of life because of their spiritual convictions. Their marriage situation certainly seems less than ideal and non-traditional, but it doesn't mean it's not right for them.

 As Anna and I have tried to make things work for us, I've started to see how "non-traditional" a mixed orientation marriage is. While we certainly have the very same difficulties that all couples face, there are other issues and concerns that are quite unique to us. I'm realizing that I can't make my marriage work by following the rules and expectations set forth for straight relationships, but that there are other adaptations that must be made. Perhaps for some people are just not meant to live the ideal traditional life with a wife, kids, a picket fence and a dog. Some of us are intended to live life a little differently, and that is a good thing. As much as I have tried to force myself into that perfect mold, I just can't make it work. And if Anna and I can't make our less-than-traditional marriage work, we all know that the kind of relationship I would have after that would not be remotely traditional. But traditional marriage is not a guarantee for happiness, as I have perceived in the past.

It's taking me several days to finish this post, so I'm sorry if my thoughts seem disjointed. The above graphic illustrates my emotions that I've experienced as I've felt my traditional life slip away. I made that poster for a class assignment around the same time that I started this blog. In class we were asked to take an excerpt from Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities and find a way using the design process to graphically represent the feelings that the literature evoked. I feel that it best communicates my emotions that I felt then and continue to feel as the values and ideals I once established my perfect, traditional life on have rocked and slipped from beneath me. I feel my world crashing around me, and I don't know if I should buckle down and reinforce what I've worked so hard to build or accept what's happening and allow it to fall so that I can rebuild using a stronger foundation.

 I feel so torn lately. I love my wife. Ever since I started being honest with her and myself as to who I am and what I want out of life I've found myself questioning if it is worth it to continue on the path I have chosen. My mind wants to just fully commit to Anna but my heart won't cooperate. Surely we can have a happy life together with our kids. Surely we can find ways to be fulfilled and at peace in our marriage. Surely we can strengthen our intimacy and trust.

 But then I ask myself: can I really continue to fight who I am for the rest of my life? Can I really give my all to my wife and meet the needs that she so badly deserves? I feel like I ask these same questions over and over. It's as if my mind has become so fixated on these issues that I have become obsessed with finding the solution. Is there no right answer? I'm not so prideful as to think that my position as her husband can't be replaced. I'm sure there are many men out there who could meet her needs much better than I can. I could even live with being replaced if it meant seeing Anna happy and secure. But the position I can't bear to have replaced is that of the father to my kids. I know that the ending of my marriage wouldn't change the fact that I am my boys' father, and I would always be able to continue my relationship with them. However, the role I have right now would change. I wouldn't always be able to physically be there as I am now. I wouldn't be able to parent them with the same kind of harmony with their mother that I'd be able to have if we were still together.

 As I was stewing over these concerns with a good friend of mine, he said something that really made me think. He said that basically what much of my decision comes down to is what kind of lesson I want to teach my kids. I can teach them that sacrifice and commitment to marriage and the gospel brings forth blessings. On the other hand, I can teach them that life and love is about authenticity and complete honesty with yourself and others. I can teach them that this life is about coming to know God by accepting who he made us to be and knowing what our individual purpose in life is.

 Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I can teach them both important lessons. It seems that the first lesson is a one-size-fits-all plan for happiness. The other lesson is much more personal and individualistic. What are your thoughts on this? One thing I know is that either path will be hard. Either choice will have it's share of trials and heartache. My story is definitely not a fairy tale with a picture perfect ending.  

Alone

Derek-
One week. That's all it took for certain events to take place that would send my world crashing down. Or at least it seems like it.

Allow me to provide some background. Very early in my marriage as I was struggling with my attraction to men I went through some very dark times. At least they seemed that way then. Now in comparison to what I've gone through these past 6 months they don't seem too terrible after all. I had been feeling very alone and misunderstood and was so confused about these feelings I was having. I craved understanding from people who were also gay. I found my way onto a gay social media website. Through that site, I made friends with "Jed." He's 5 years older than me, had stopped going to church, and had already been in a few gay relationships. There was nothing inappropriate about our friendship; he was just a guy who was kind enough to befriend a very confused and scared newly married gay man. We never met in person, nor did we talk on the phone. We just IM'ed each other a few times a week, and his friendship helped me. I found myself struggling less with porn and feeling slightly better about my situation. However, the thing I did wrong was not tell my wife about this. When she caught me messaging a stranger online who is also gay, she asked me to end the friendship. So I did.

Six months later I found myself chatting to him again. Again I hid it from my wife out of fear of hurting or confronting her. When she caught me messaging Jed again she was very hurt, and again I ended the friendship. I became determined to shut him out of my life as well as any men I was at risk of being attracted to. After this I went through a very long and lonely period in which I hardly had any friends. I did a poor job of keeping in touch with my former roommates, mission friends, and high school buddies. I emotionally disengaged so much that I struggled to connect with others, even with my family.

Then I went through this whole crisis with my faith and marriage that this blog talks all about. Things changed a lot, and as I became more open with Anna, she finally came to greater acceptance of me and our situation. Things got better. I gained support and emotional bonds with other men through this blog. I gained an incredible best friend. My struggles with porn seemed like a thing of the past because I finally was having emotional needs met.

Earlier this month I checked my old email address that I hadn't used in over a year nor checked in several months. I found an email that Jed had sent me that very day. He said he woke up that day thinking about me and wanted to see how my family and I were doing. We began exchanging emails and texts. As it turns out, he had recently moved to Cache Valley. We decided we should hang out sometime.

A week ago I met him at the gym to work out together. We had a good time catching up on everything that had gone on in our lives the past two and a half years. It was very casual, and I told my wife about it. She told me she trusted me. On Saturday we hung out again. We studied together on campus and watched a TV show. I knew I was very attracted to him, but I trusted that everything would be fine. We texted each other a lot, and on Monday evening he met me on campus to study together again. That night it became very clear that we both had strong feelings for each other. We both decided that to continue the friendship at the rate it was developing would create something that would be very difficult to pull the brakes on any further down the road. It was not an easy thing to accept, but he respects my marriage, and we both knew it was for the best.

Over the weekend Anna had noticed a change about me. On Monday and Tuesday I had gotten very quiet and withdrawn like I usually do when something is wrong. I knew she could tell, so I decided to be open and honest with her about Jed. Last night I confessed to her that I had allowed myself to develop feelings for him. I explained that we had ended things, but she was extremely hurt nonetheless. Through tears she said it would be best for us to get a divorce. This topic has been brought up so many times in our marriage and especially during the past six months, however, for the first time I found myself not fighting her on it. I don’t know if divorce is the right thing for us to do, but I’ve really lost hope that this will work out. I feel like I’ve tried so many things to have our needs met in our marriage, but each time I have failed. The fact that I’ve allowed myself to develop feelings for a guy that reciprocates them feels like the greatest of my failures. It totally hit my wife at her deepest anxieties and crushed her. I feel like the doom that has been looming over my marriage from the beginning has only gotten larger and darker.

Anna reached a breaking point. Up until this point she has told no one close to her about me or our marriage troubles. She finally decided to call my brother’s wife, whom she is very close to. I put my 2-year old to bed and sobbed heavily as I rocked him. I could hear Anna’s sobs in the other room as I called my best friend, looking for some comfort. When I had told him previously about Jed, I was very surprised by his reaction, which made me feel like he didn’t trust me. Because of that, I lied to him about any further interactions with Jed. When I called him last night and told him everything that had just taken place, and confessed of my lie he became very hurt and hung up on me.

I spent a horribly lonely and rough night on the recliner. I’ve been in a haze all day, holding back tears and feeling full of guilt and regret. Tonight my home is quiet. My oldest boy is asleep, and Anna and the baby have left town. I’m listening to my Kris Allen album on repeat, fighting back tears and aching all over. I feel so alone. My actions have hurt my wife and my best friend. Because of all this I may end up divorced. I may end up being separated from my beloved boys.

I hope the time apart from each other gives Anna and me a chance to sort things through. I don’t know what will happen next but I’m so scared. Why didn’t I lock my heart when I got married? Why have I allowed my attractions to develop into something with the potential to be very damaging to my family? I feel so stupid and angry at myself. I wish I knew how to resolve all this. I have no answers.

Kris Allen keeps singing in my headphones.

Life's been blinding me 

From what I thought I'd see 

Is there clarity in this insanity? (yeah)  

Whats she want from me? (yeah)
 

Roads in front of me 

Taking me astray  

Are you leaving me? 

Or are you leading the way?  

Can you hear what I'm sayin'?

 
I need to know...   

I need to know... 

I need to know...  

I need to know...

 
Feel like I'm tryin' to breathe under water 

Tryin' to climb but I keep fallin farther (yeah)  

Will you take my hand?

 
Feels so far away 

Want to see your face  

Are you even there? 

Can you show me?! 

Can you make me believe?!

 
I need to know... 

I need to know... 

I need to know... 

I need to know...
I need to know...  

I need to know...

Driving Off the Frustration

www.visualphotos.com

Derek-
This blog has been stagnant for a few weeks now. I've been busy with school and a huge group project that has sapped my time and sleep. I've also been hemming and hawing over not having anything grand or inspirational to say here. Then it occurred to me that I shouldn't take myself so seriously and just post something. This is a personal blog after all, not a Deseret Book bestseller. 

Anyway, as I read through some of our recent posts I see so much progress and improvement for my marriage. Both Anna and I have grown and learned much during the past few months. It certainly has been full of growing pains, but I can see that we are in a much better place now. However, there are always hiccups.We had a bit of a rough weekend. I was doing that thing that I do when I get stressed which is retreat to my own little world and shut out others, especially my wife. She was getting stressed and emotional from seeing me very little and having to deal with a crazy toddler who can make messes faster than a wild boar in a grocery store. Neither of us were the most pleasant human beings to be around to begin with, but then throw in the lack of sleep and the hightened emotions and anxiety that arises when it gets late and you have a recipie for marital ruckus. Also factor in the fact that as a gay man I tend to be more sensitive than the average husband and having two overly sensitive people under one roof can spell disaster. So days of quiet resentment turned into a verbal confrontation which resulted in me getting frustrated and quiet as Anna agonized over our future. Here's a bit of dialogue that followed in the wee hours of the night as we lay in bed:

A: I'm so upset right now...how is this ever going to work...I'm going to be alone and miserable the rest of my life...I'm so worked up right now I'll never be able to sleep!
D: It's hard to sleep right now because your mouth won't stop talking!!
A: You're so mean and insensitive!

Ok, so I'm not the most sensitive husband. But this little scenario might sound familiar to those who are married/partnered. I disagree with whoever said that couples shouldn't go to sleep angry because the later you stay up attempting to resolve a fight the more irrational and emotional you get. Sleep tends to resolve fights fairly effectively.  Except this one.

Anna woke up that morning and announced that she wasn't going to church, and that she expected me to take both the boys with me. I scoffed and told her I'd take the boys for the day but we wouldn't be going to church. In a moment of spontaneity, I packed the diaper bag, made some pb&j's, and loaded my oldest boy in our car and took off. I told Anna I was going to Idaho. I ended up driving all the way to Rexburg. I was upset and frustrated, and just needed a shoulder to cry on, so I showed up at the door of my best friend's apartment. 

Thank God for wonderful friends. Without me having to explain much, he understood what I was going through. He assured me that all would be ok, and that my marriage was not ending. He gave me a priesthood blessing, played with my son, boosted my battered spirit, and sent me back home to my wife a much happier person with a resolve to work things out.

And work things out we did. Having a bit of time apart allowed us a chance to ponder on important things and really assess what we valued. Anna really appreciated having a quiet home for the day without our toddler on a rampage. We greeted each other at the door when I got home with a smile and a kiss. I'd say we had a much more productive day than if I had stayed at home and we both stewed over the prior night's arguments. 

I truly love and respect Anna. She has such a strong resolve to make this work. Her faith and perspective amaze me at times. It's easy to get frustrated. It's easy to think that we'd both be better off with someone else. It's easy to give in to fears and speculations. It's easy to look at the rubble of failed mixed-orientation marriages and assume that ours will eventually end up on the pile. It's easy to think that it's not worth the effort we're putting into this. 

Yet we keep going.

We keep going because we hope something better will come out of it. We keep going because any other path doesn't seem right. We keep going because we can't imagine life without each other. I would seriously starve to death if I didn't have Anna. And if I had to take care of my kids by myself I'd end up in a mental institution. And Anna needs me to help her pick the decor for the home. And if she didn't have me she would never travel anywhere because she hates driving for more than twenty minutes. 

Anyway, on a completely different note, I'm trying to do what I can to help others on their gay Mormon journey. Uncarved Block and I have been talking, and we think that having a place for LGBT/SSA individuals to discuss issues in an LDS context would be really helpful at our university. BYU and BYU-ID both have a USGA, and we'd like to start a support group that is patterned after that. USU really needs something like that. So if you happen to live in Cache Valley or attend USU and are interested in such a group, please contact me. (there's a lot of acronyms in that paragraph!)

To those of you that read this, I hope you're all doing well on your own journey. I'd love it if you left me a brief update.