Why I Got Married

Probably one of the biggest questions one might ask when finding out that I'm gay, Mormon, and married is this: If you're gay, why did you get married? Or similarly they may ask: if you're married, how can you be gay? So I feel it necessary to address those items before I move forward with my blog. I'll try to be concise as I can:

For Mormons, family is hugely important. I grew up in a very close-knit family. We're all still very close today. Mormonism's core beliefs are centered on the family and their eternal nature. And so all growing up I knew that I would always hold to the same family-oriented values my parents lived by. I knew I would serve a full-time mission and upon returning I would find a woman to marry in the temple and soon thereafter have kids of our own. Never in my youth did I consider anything but this.

It's not that I didn't know I was gay. I knew. I've known since I was 12. Was I in denial about it? Most definitely. I tried to ignore the fact that I found guys attractive and tried to find a replacement for that attraction in girls. So I dated girls in high school and my freshman year of college. I even wrote a special girlfriend through most of my mission. Perhaps I'm just bi enough to consider some girls attractive. I think for a lot of people as long as the human body is getting the right kind of stimulus, it's going to respond, whether it's coming from a man or woman.

However, I think when it comes to sexuality that is a different thing. It's as if there are different levels of attraction. Since I never had sex before I was married, the sexual experiences of my youth consisted of pornography, masturbation, and my own fantasies. And I can tell you this: 99.9% of the porn I watched was of men, and probably at least 90% of my boyhood fantasies were of men also.

So when it comes to sexuality, I'd confidently say that I'm very gay. (although I was not always so confident in that conclusion) However, being gay terrified me, and frankly it still does. It never fit into mine or my parent's plans for my future and it fits nowhere in the Mormon Eternal scheme of things.

So what did I do about my gay problem? I kept it all inside. I didn't tell a soul. Not a parent, not a bishop, not a friend, no one. I felt that if I ignored it enough, it would go away like a bad nightmare. I was taught that if you live the gospel and keep the commandments, then things will work out for your good. So I served a mission. It was incredible and I loved being a missionary more than anything else I've done in my life.  When I got back it didn't take long before I slipped back into exploring my sexuality through porn. The addiction came back as something fierce. So what did I do? I tried to run from it. I ran to BYU and caught the express train to marriage.

Shortly after going to BYU I met my wife. She was a lot of fun, and I loved being around her. Her outgoing personality really complimented my shy and reserved self. She was the first person to ever really make me feel like a man, and I loved it. And she is beautiful. I found myself being attracted to her in a way I never had with any woman before. On the surface it seemed there was nothing else to do but charge full steam ahead. We had a relatively short courtship and engagement.

However, during all this time I never could stop looking at gay pornography. I even started going to gay chatrooms. Why couldn't I stop myself? Why didn't I get help? Why didn't I tell anyone? Why didn't I at least tell my fiancee who I loved dearly? I don't know. I suppose that it's all rooted in fear. I was afraid to lose her. I was afraid that the truth would hurt her and me. I knew she'd leave me if she found out. I felt I'd be in poor standing in the church if I confessed to my leaders. So I lied. I covered it all up as if it wasn't going on.

And I continued to run from my homosexuality. I really felt that it was something that would end. I felt that marriage could be my cure. That once I was able to be openly sexual with someone I would have my sexual needs met, and I wouldn't need pornography or masturbation or chatrooms. I realize that this kind of thinking is completely messed up, but I actually believed this.

We got married in the temple. Despite my feelings of unworthiness, I felt happy. Although there were moments over overwhelming anxiety during my honeymoon I also felt an incredible amount of relief. I honestly thought that my days of being attracted to men were over and my problem was solved.

Boy was I young and stupid. We had been married less than a few weeks when I returned to my prior habits. I fell into immense depression. The reality of my attraction to men hit me like a semi truck. It was then that I finally came to the realization that I would be attracted to men the rest of my life and nothing was going to change that. No amount of faith or heterosexual actions would turn me completely straight.