The Beginning

I need to establish a few things about myself. I'm married to a woman who is more than amazing. I'm an active Mormon.  I'm 25, have one kid with another on the way. I'm also gay. I write that like its a completely normal way to introduce oneself. I have a tendency to understate things, so let me try that again.

I AM GAY. I AM MARRIED. I AM MORMON.

This is the part where the cast of Sesame Street comes in singing, "One of these things is not like the other..."

I know it's weird, but at least I know I'm not the only one in this situation. It seems that gay mormon married men are coming out of the woodwork recently, the most recent being Josh Weed, who got a ton of publicity when he came out on his blog after 10 years of blissful marriage. It's his experience that actually got me thinking about starting a blog of my own. He wrote about feeling such a sense of relief after coming out because he no longer had to hide anything and he could truly be himself. While I definitely would love to feel the same way, I don't see that being accomplished with this blog. Instead this will be a form of therapy for me, a much needed outlet.

I live with a lot of guilt. I also worry that I've lived life too passively, just letting things happen rather than taking a step back and really assessing things. It is my hope that this will help me do some soul-searching and self-analysis. When I first considered starting this blog, my wife and I were doing our nightly reading together in The Book of Mormon. We were reading Mormon's writings about the wickedness of the Nephites as their civilization was quickly ripening for destruction.  Mormon 5:8 states that "all things which are hid must be revealed upon the house-tops." That is a rather chilling thought. We all have things we keep to ourselves. Some things are kept inside due to embarrassment or pride, or because we feel that others may see us differently if they knew about it. I envy those who can push their past behind them, forget about the skeleton in the closet, and move on.

I however, continue to feed the monster locked in my closet and live in fear that one day it will break free and tear the house down.

I have much to hide. I keep a great deal to myself such that I feel that no one truly knows the real me. And so just to think that all my scary hidden secrets could one day be revealed upon the housetops sends my pulse racing. What horror and shame. At this point I can't imagine anyone standing by me as those awful things about me are shared. It seems my family and loved ones have always had high expectations of me, and I've given them good reason to. On the outside I've done most everything right. I'm a returned missionary. I've held several callings in the church and served as a temple worker. I'm sealed to a incredible woman and we have happy, beautiful kid(s).  I'm a hard worker and people respect me. I'm sure it would come as a shock to those closest to me to find out that my life was a charade all along, and that I have a secret double life hidden away.

There is so much pent up inside me that I need a release. This blog is the avenue that I will use to achieve that. I'm certainly not ready for all my secrets to be revealed upon the housetops, so I use the virtuality and anonymity of the internet to share my housetop confessional.

I hope there will be understanding. I hope I sort things out. I hope that it all goes well.