Soledad

Allow me to discuss the boy band that stole my heart as a young teenage boy. It wasn't backstreet boys, 98 degrees, or Nsync. Mormonism was my only world so anything outside of mormonism held little value to me. So the band that was the focus of my young obsessions was Colors, a group of three LDS guys from Kaysville. . And here they are:

If you were born to late or two early or too far outside the Mormon bubble to know them, they are (in order, referring to the middle photo) Brian Tibbets, Russ Dixon, and Ryan Merrill. Ryan was my favorite, and I had quite the little crush on him. I played percussion in Jr. High (in addition to trumpet) because of him. I once got a chance to play the congas in my jazz band and boy was I excited to be playing them like Ryan. Never has any young teenager played the congas with such passion before or since. (haha!) They all went to Utah State (my own alma mater!) and they were even friends with my oldest sister who met them in college. They performed in my hometown when I was 13 and believe me, I was smitten. I listened to their CD over and over and over again. I know every lyric to this day. By the time I was in high school the group had pretty well ended their careers as musicians and Brian had actually moved to my hometown. My high school girlfriend shared my love for Colors and one of her friends who was in Brian's ward arranged to have him come to our class and sing to her for her birthday. We were both swooning (I was just trying hard to hide it) as he sang "The Reggae Song,"  which went on to become our song. I didn't marry her but my wife appreciates Colors as well so at our wedding luncheon we actually sang a duet together to the Colors' "Wedding Song." And to this day I still rock my kids to sleep while singing them Colors songs. For some reason their songs have always had a lot of meaning to me and they likely always will. Their song, "Soledad" is one of my absolute favorites. Here's the lyrics:

Make a wish and dreams come true
Set a sail and watch it into the blue
What's an open door
If I don't walk through

So I watch the stars move
In the summer skies
The earth holds my back and I'm
Drowning in the moon's light
And I think of all the places
And the faces
Of people that I've known
When I'm alone

I go home to my soledad
Oh, oh oh in my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
Can all come true
In my soledad

Every now and then
Somebody's gonna say
"How much for your dreams?
Tell me what could I pay?"
And with my eyes closed
My eyes closed
I could say, "Go on,
Take everything away."

But my soledad
Oh oh, no, not my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
Are yet to come true
In my soledad

Mmmm

A la mirar la distancia de los cielos
Me da esperanza que mis anelos se cumpliran
Y aunque ser por un momento
No me escape el sentimiento
Que este lugar me da
Y por un dia mas
Puedo dejar todo atras

In mi soledad
Oh, oh oh in my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
They're all comin' true
In my soledad

Hmmmm
My soledad

English Translation:

soledad = solitude

In looking at the distance of heaven
It gives me hope that my wishes will be fulfilled
And although it be but for a moment
I do not escape the feeling
That this place gives me
And for one day more
I can leave it all behind

Solitude is something very important to me. Although sometimes I fear being alone, I treasure times when I'm able able to really reflect and ponder. It being summer, often take walks at night so that I can think things through and feel somewhat closer to God. I've had some profound experiences that have allowed me to connect spiritually with God and learn more about myself through solitude. Its experiences like this that have allowed me to gaze into heaven and really separate myself from all else in the world. Many people in the church experience this through temple worship, and I think that is great. That doesn't work for me, however, so I do things my own way. Even though I have significant doubts as to the existence of a life after this one, I still long for heaven, and that gives me hope. I don't intend to wait til death to experience heaven though. I plan to do all I can to bring the feelings of heaven into my mortal life here and now, so I try to treasure the heavenly moments. Here's a few I've experienced lately:

Stargazing by myself at the park near my home.

Watching fireworks on Independence day with my wife and kids. 

Having a meaningful conversation with a friend.

Having lunch with Anna on the grass at the park while watching my boys play together.

Watching a hilarious movie

Enjoying the incredible talents of others.

Anything apart from the mundane and depressing parts of life ought to be appreciated more. So many times I complain that my life is boring and predictable. I complain about a lot of things actually. But life is just usually hard or dull or super frustrating and challenging. So when it isn't, and we are able to experience goodness and joy we should try to view it as a bit of heaven.

Yesterday I was able to get a taste of soledad, but not in the regard that I was alone. It was quite the opposite. I spent it with friends doing fun things. It was a chance for me to escape the world I live in daily and not have to think about a lot of the anxieties that torment me. While driving home last night I felt incredibly at peace. I was able to be with people all day that accept me for who I am. I didn't have to play any roles. I didn't have to worry about being judged. I didn't have to worry about anyone's agenda for me. It was very refreshing, and I loved it. Sure, life can't be like that all the time. That would be unrealistic. But I'd like to think that my life can become closer to the heaven that I long for as I appreciate the special moments and find ways to cultivate more of them in my life.

I'm grateful that I'm able to have these kind of escapes from life. And as long as we're able to continue to live in the present on a day-to-day basis, I find it perfectly acceptable to wish and dream and hope for something more. Its helps to get away from it all and live it up every once in a while.

Sorry ladies, I'm not metro

"I saw your husband today," Anna's friend told her,  "he looked so nice and put together. Do you dress him or does he dress himself?"
"He dresses himself. He really into clothes."
At this point Anna probably thinks to herself, "and he's really into guys. If they only knew."

A lot of her friends are a bit surprised and and even jealous upon hearing that I look so  nice by my own doing. Perhaps this is because I dress better than all their frumpy straight husbands who are still wearing the clothes they got years ago when they were dating. Anna is hesitant to buy me clothes as gifts because she knows how particular I am. I also won't let Anna do my own laundry because I'm very particular with how my clothes are handled.  Her friends are also surprised to find out that I cut my own hair. It's not your standard crew or buzz cut so why would I pay big bucks to get my trendy hairstyle when I can do it myself? I once tried to highlight Anna's hair to save money and that resulted in tears. In the end it wasn't too bad but I think I'd rather not go through that ordeal again. Her friends probably think I'm just metro, and I'm fine with letting them think that.

I've always been really into fashion. Not necessarily high-fashion, name brand, expensive stuff. Never had the money for that. But dressing nice and classy has long been important to me. Since I was like 7 or 8 I always insisted on doing all my own shopping and styling my own hair. I remember one of my favorite things to do at the end of summer was back-to-school shopping. Afterward my two older sisters and I would put on modelling shows to display our spiffy new attire (most of it probably purchased at JC Penney). I would then lay out each of the outfits I would wear for the first three days of school out on my floor. My mom thought it was funny. Early on she knew I was very different from my older brother, and even most boys in general.

I was such a gay little kid. I hated getting my clothes dirty.  I remember in 3rd grade while playing outside I slipped and got a grass stain on my jeans. On class picture day! Needless to say I was mortified that I had to stand in the front row (I was a real short kid) where my stain would be seen and memorialized permanently.

There have been many times in my life where I felt like I had to tone down my fashion sensibilities out of fear that it would give away my gayness. But once I started accepting myself for who I am I stopped giving a damn as to whether I looked gay or not. Looking nice makes me feel good, and if something simple as that boosts my confidence and mood then I'll do it without question.

I wore a fedora the other day to a community dinner. I don't want to sound too boastful but I look pretty damn dapper in it. Funny thing was that the one woman there who knows I'm gay because she's Anna's good friend was also wearing a fedora. We joked about calling each other to coordinate and then we arranged what we'd wear to church on Sunday. I bet she's really jealous that her husband doesn't dress as nice as me. But on second thought, I'm sure she's very relieved that he's at least straight.

Just because you missed me, Chase

This blog is stagnant. Just like my life. It used to be such a good place for me to hurl my confusion and frustration, so I'll give it a go again. These past few months have been strange and crazy and great and hard. Here's a brief list of what's gone on:

I made it through another semester of hellishness.
I graduated from college.
I came out to my parents (first came out of the spiritual closet, then I was pulled out of the homosexual closet).
I started a new job (a real grown-up job!)
Anna and I started marriage counseling.

Telling my parents that I don't believe in the church was hard. I didn't realize that they would take it much harder than when I came out about being gay to them. I never finished that letter to them but this blog pretty well goes through a lot of my development that has occurred where I left off in the last ten months or so. It was scary and hard for my parents to accept but I ended up having a very good conversation with my mom for several hours about it and I could really feel her love, even if she didn't understand. My dad is a little different. We haven't discussed my homosexuality at all but he has been very concerned about my views toward the church. Every time we've talked about it we've ended up arguing. It's led to an even greater strain in my relationship with my father.

My testimony in the church is something I haven't discussed a ton on here. To put it simply, I don't believe in the major truth claims of the church. One true church. Book of Mormon's historicity. Priesthood Authority. Ordinances of Salvation. Joseph Smith as a Prophet. Word of Wisdom. Pretty important stuff to believe in if you're a Mormon. I've found myself with a completely deconstructed faith. It's been a bit terrifying. It's also been incredibly freeing. I now no longer measure my worth by the expectations of an authoritarian organization. For a time I became a bit atheist. At this point I'm striving find faith again, so I'll consider myself an agnostic theist. Throughout all of this radical change in belief, however, I never stopped going to church. Sure, I'd skip Elder's quorum and Sunday School a lot when sacrament meeting left me bitter enough, and most of the time I go to keep the peace with Anna and help maintain reasonable control of the boys. But I've never been able to shake off the church completely. And perhaps I never will be able to.

Mormonism is as much a part of me as my homosexuality is a part of me. It's so ingrained into my psyche and culture and family life. And I realized that despite my complete lack of belief, I still seek out understanding and learning in the Mormon context through blogs in the mohosphere, support groups like Northstar, and podcasts like Mormon Stories and A Thoughtful Faith. Mormonism is very much the water I swim in, and I don't see any way to keep it from being an influence in my life.

I had a brief chat with my bishop about where I'm at.  I explained straight up that I don't believe in the church, that I not longer hold a recommend or keep my temple covenants, and I only go for my family. So what does he do with my self-proclaimed apostasy? He gives me a calling of course. I was asked to teach in the Elder's Quorum. We'll see how long this lasts before they release me for teaching false doctrine some of the many new things I've learned.  I told my bishop and Elder's Quorum President that I refuse to be hypocritical and teach something I don't believe just because it's in the lesson. Surprisingly, they were very understanding, and insisted that the men in the ward had something to learn from me. Talk about a completely different experience than I had with my last bishop. I've gotten past a lot of my bitterness toward the church and I do accept that it does much good in the lives of its members and can still be of benefit to me. I'm certainly not opposed to an opportunity to serve and perhaps allow others to see a completely different take on the church and spirituality. I also figured that since I've spent so much time breaking apart my beliefs lately that this would give me a chance to learn for myself what I truly believe in my heart.

So far I've taught two lessons. The first was very interesting. The lesson was about missionary work. I spun that into a discussion about the growth of the church and shared some stats that show people are leaving almost as fast as they're joining. Then discussed reasons why people leave the church. I shared the results of a poll that asked former Mormons why they leave and made the point that a very small percentage actually get offended or leave because they want to sin. Most of them leave because like I, they don't believe the doctrine. And then I talked about how we need to show love to people who question the church and reach out to them rather than make hurtful accusations about them. I did learn a lot and I think a meaningful experience was had by many of the men there (although I did make a few of them rather nervous and uncomfortable when I started mentioning the issues that people have with the church!) If you're interested in my lesson, check out the links at the end of this post.

I've realized that I'm very much a fence sitter. It's frustrating but I don't know how else to do things at this point. I don't believe in Mormonism yet I'm still quite active. On Sunday I wear my white shirt and tie at church in the morning and then in the afternoon I'll often work out, go shopping, or have a coffee in the afternoon.  I've really accepted and tried to embrace my homosexuality. I no longer share the church's homophobic views that would hold me back yet I still remain married to my wife. I see nothing sinful or immoral about homosexual behavior.  To me, same-sex relationships are as natural and meaningful as heterosexual relationships. My many marital difficulties cause me to contemplate divorce a lot. However, at the same time I do find joy in being married. There are many times when things between Anna and I are quite great. I have found a lot of fulfillment in having close friendships with other guys, particularly other gay guys. I strongly need these relationships, but unfortunately I've found that friends come and go, and no one has been a consistent part of my life like my wife has. Despite all the crap I've put her through and the intense emotions we've experienced in our marriage, she still loves me. She's becoming more accepting all the time and she really strives to understand me. Yet still I struggle with serious doubts of whether or not I can continue to live as a married man. However, being a father and family man is a significant part of my identity, although at times I struggle with that role.

I wonder how long I'll remain caught between different worlds like I am now. I feel a bit like I don't belong anywhere. I don't fit into the Mormon realm, since I don't believe it. I don't belong among the ex-Mormons, since I'm still active. I don't belong in the gay community since I'm married to a woman. I don't even feel like I fit into gay Mormon communities like Northstar because I don't view my homosexuality as some sort of affliction and I don't share some of the same views and values.  I don't necessarily think that I have to fit my identity into one neat box. I can very well be myself and walk my own path, it's just challenging. I feel like I'm just caught in this strange limbo where I'm not sure if I'm progressing in any particular direction.

Perhaps that's why I've slacked off on blogging. I feel like I have to report some sort of progress with each post and progress doesn't seem to be happening. But that's silly. This is my blog and I should be able to spew out whatever nonsense I want to, progress or no progress.So I will try to commit myself to blogging more. I think it's healthy for me. Perhaps one day I'll write a book and I'll be grateful for all the writing experience that this blog gave me. Or maybe I'll just write a blog that no one but like three people will read. Oh wait I've already done that. Now I'm just rambling. And I'm done.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/we-are-one?lang=eng

 

http://www.religiondispatches.org/archive/culture/5611/mormon_numbers_not_adding_up/

http://mormonstories.org/top-5-myths-and-truths-about-why-committed-mormons-leave-the-church/

 

http://www.whymormonsquestion.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Survey-Results_Understanding-Mormon-Disbelief-Mar20121.pdf

Dear Mom and Dad: I'm Gay (Part 2)

Derek - 

This is the second part of my letter to my parents in which I for the first time explain my homosexuality and my struggles surrounding it. This letter is getting very long, so there will be a third, and maybe even a fourth part to this series of posts. I have yet to finish it all, so I haven't given it to them, since I want them to have the full explanation at once.

The church's stance and approach toward homosexuality has changed greatly over the years. Click here to see a complete list of statements made by church leaders about this issue. Two leaders that were particularly outspoken on this topic were Pres. Spencer W. Kimball and Elder Boyd K. Packer. They taught that homosexuality was caused by such things as having a distant father and overbearing mother, or from being abused as a child, or was the result of sexual exploration and/or "deviance." While in my teens and on my mission I learned of these teachings, and they greatly affected me. I no longer accept these claims, and thankfully neither does the church anymore, and leaders are now content with stating that they do not know what causes one to be as I am. I know that none of these things were a part of my personal development, and so I do not blame you or anyone or any choice I made for my homosexuality.

However, I grew up feeling that there was something very wrong with me. I felt that I was never good enough or worthy enough because I was attracted to guys. The church teaches that homosexuality can be overcome through self-mastery, increased righteousness and the casting off of selfishness. These things made me feel like it was my fault for being the way that I am. That I hadn't done enough to overcome it, and as a result, I felt terrible about myself. As is common with those who experience low feelings of self-worth, I would do all I could to compensate by being as righteous and well-behaved as possible. Sure, I had my many other faults and weaknesses, but you can attest that I was a rather stalwart teenager and an especially faithful and hard-working missionary.

Yet I was still very depressed at times. As I write this I get emotional thinking about the amount of self-loathing I felt because I was gay. Because it was so painful being this way I tried to ignore it and push aside these struggles so I didn't have to deal with them. I tried to force myself to be anything but gay. I have since learned the hard way that you cannot force yourself to be someone you are not. I was also very homophobic. I felt that if I associated with anything or anyone that appeared even remotely gay it would either give me away or have an influence on me that would "turn me gay."

I felt that by following the gospel and by living right I could be "cured" of my homosexuality. That if I served a faithful mission and soon thereafter married in the temple I would be free of my attractions that troubled me so much. I also felt that I could make a marriage work if it was with an especially beautiful woman. I met Anna only a few months after I got home from my mission, and she is certainly beautiful, both inside and out. Our relationship progressed quickly, and it seemed like marriage was the obvious option. I knew that I was not attracted to her the same way that I am to men, but I felt that because we were both righteous and committed to the gospel we could undoubtedly make a marriage work.

Because I had been trying for so long to push aside my gay tendencies, I never allowed myself the chance to study much about homosexuality or come to terms with it. I had no idea how much it would impact mine and Anna's lives. So I didn't tell Anna about my attractions prior to our marriage. It did not take long after being married to realize that it was not the fix-all solution I thought it would be. Not only was I still very attracted to men, but I found it challenging to make a marriage work with a woman.

I told Anna about my same-sex attraction (SSA) after being married for just over a month. The feelings were eating away at me, and she could tell that something was wrong. Just a few weeks prior to that I had confided in my friend Kendall about it, who suggested that I see a counselor. I did, and both he and the counselor urged me to tell Anna, although I didn't feel ready to. When I told her it came as a shock. We both cried about it for a long time. Off and on throughout the first year of our marriage we both went to counselors at BYU and to our bishop with a determination to overcome this. Eventually, however, the subject became too much of a strain on our marriage. We discussed "my problem" less and less until we both ignored it as much as possible.

After that I did all I could to lose myself in my work, schooling, and duties as a father. I did my best to live the gospel to the fullest. While ignoring it did make things better temporarily, I found that frustration and resentment slowly built up inside me. Because I was trying so hard to suppress my feelings toward other men, I emotionally disengaged completely from nearly everyone in my life. Because my SSA made any friendships with other men complicated, and caused Anna anxiety, I eventually shut myself off from my friends. My classmate, whom I came out to a few months ago, afterwards described me during this time as an empty shell, like a zombie who went through day-to-day activities with no emotion or connection.

I've struggled with minor depression off and on for much of my adolescent and adult life. I think a lot of the time I didn't even realize I had depression. It gradually worsened and became very apparent. For over a year I tried to remedy it with exercise and other methods, and eventually I sought the help of a doctor earlier this year. It has helped but it still doesn't seem like a solution to the problem, since I feel that it is directly related to my struggles with being gay.

Also during this time my doubts in the church began to build. I never studied anti-Mormon literature, but intellectually there were many things which didn't make sense to me. I had always allowed my faith to carry me and put these doubts aside, but over time though these doubts grew and grew, to the point that in my heart I couldn't feel that the church was true. I began to feel different and alienated in my ward. I hated going to Elder's Quorum because I couldn't relate to the other men in the ward. Attending church became an increasingly frustrating experience for me.

It was about this time that Josh Weed came out as a married gay Mormon on his blog. Reading about him made me realize that I too, could be gay and not just bisexual or same sex attracted. It certainly made a lot more sense when I looked at it that way. In a way it was a relief to learn that there were others in my situation, since for so long I had felt alone and isolated. Reading his story brought a lot of my problems and  issues to the forefront as I realized that although we were in the same situation, my experiences with being a married gay man really differed from his. 

All of these struggles (my depression, spiritual doubts, and homosexuality) came to a boiling point last year when Anna was visiting family and friends for a week and I had a lot of time to myself to think things through. I felt that the way I was living my life was very fake and forced, and I longed to be truly authentic. I was feeling terribly alone and misunderstood. The way the church viewed homosexuality as if it were a disease to be cured of left me feeling like there was something very wrong with me, and I became very frustrated with any of the views or approaches that the church had on this issue. I was full of shame and self-hate, and I knew that something had to change, for the sake of my own mental health.

Dear Mom & Dad: I'm Gay. (Part 1)

Derek-
There's been a lot going on in my life lately. I went through some rather hellish weeks as school, work, and my marital troubles intensified. But I am glad to be on the other side of that as a college graduate with a new job. I now have a bit more time for other things, like this blog I've been neglecting.

On Easter weekend I told my parents how I felt about the church. I explained that my temple recommend was expiring that month and I didn't have the desire nor the testimomy to renew it. They were absolutely devastated. Then a few weeks later Anna went to my parents' house for a few days while I was thick in the stress of finals. There my parents asked her if I was gay, and she confirmed it. Apparently my sister was suspicious of a friend of mine that had posted pics of us together on facebook and they drew their conclusions from that. I sure wish they would have just spoken to me about it first rather than talking about it with everyone in my family but me. Oh well.

So after my graduation my mom handed me a letter in which she finally brought up that she knew I "struggled with same gender attraction." I decided that I would respond in like manner so I wrote her and my dad a letter. I'll share parts of that lengthy letter with you. This is the first time they are ever hearing about my struggles with being gay, as well as the first time they're hearing anything about my problems with pornography. Perhaps it can be of some help to those of you who are also just coming out to family as well.

Dear Mom and Dad,
As I told you earlier, I have lots to share with you. It is my hope that there will be more understanding between us as I explain in depth my struggles. It has taken me my whole life to process this, and you have only reached conclusions very recently, so I don't expect you to make sense of it all at once. First let me be very clear: much of my struggles both past and present are because I am gay, and I am doing all I can to keep the best interests of everyone dear to me in mind as I continue to navigate these waters.

I understand that this is a very scary challenge for not just me, but for both of you as well as Anna, and others who are invested in our marriage. Please understand that I am doing the best I can given the circumstances, and I am trying to move forward as thoughtfully and sensitively as possible. I'd like to provide you with some background to help you better see where I'm coming from.

I experienced my first physical attractions to guys when I was about 12, around the time most boys start to develop feelings for girls. Before that I can recall having nonphysical attractions to men as early as five that may or may not be related to my homosexuality. At a young age I always sensed that I was different from others, though I couldn't explain why. 

Because of the many misconceptions about homosexuality that exist both in the church and the community I was raised in, all while growing up I experienced great shame and fear regarding my attractions. So I did everything I could to hide these feelings from everyone. I had "crushes" on girls because that's what my friends were doing. I had a "girlfriend" in Jr. High (although only for a short period of time) partly because I wanted to fit in and also because I didn't want people to realize that there was something "wrong" with me.

In High School I dated girls because it was fun and I was friends with the girls I dated. I was especially good friends with Sarah. I have such great respect and admiration for her, and I even grew to love her. We had a strong emotional connection. However, as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I was not physically attracted to her. As hard and confusing as it was to break up with her just after my mission, I knew that I couldn't make intimacy in marriage work with her.

All through my teens and into my adulthood I continued to struggle with my attractions to men.  I would have intense crushes and fantasies about other male friends, classmates, and mission companions. I even experienced struggles with gay pornography. Although I discussed these issues with caring bishops, I never disclosed that they were of other men, out of great fear of being found out.  That fear kept me completely silent about my homosexuality to anyone until I was 22 and married.

The Case for Mormon Marriage Equality

Derek- 
The biggest threat to the life of Utahans aged 15-24 is not drugs, alcohol, disease, or even auto accidents. Here in our state known for family values and strong religious ties, suicide is the leading killer of our teens and young adults. In fact, Utah leads the nation in suicides of men in this age group, and the data gets even more appalling as you look further. Of these early deaths of Utah’s young population, 89% are males. One third of these men are homosexuals, making up the single largest group of suicides. The percentages among the LDS church are very much the same, with over 30% of suicides of its membership reported as having “gender identity issues,” (LDS Church News).  Nationally, homosexuals make up approximately 5% of the total population.  According to estimates by the American Association of Suicidology, LGBT youth are 3.4 times more likely to kill themselves than their straight peers. An increase in amounts of rejection causes the likelihood of suicide to increase, and that is most certainly the case given the hostility of our social environment for our gay brothers, sons, and friends in Utah and throughout the LDS church.­

Being a gay Mormon and having lived in Utah for most of my adult life, I wondered what would contribute to such a suicide epidemic among our gay youth? According to the American Association of Suicidology, high rates of suicide among this group are associated with social environments with high rates of victimization and homophobic attitudes. Their studies of suicides among gay youth show that much of what puts them at risk of suicide stems from the social and cultural environment. Societal attitudes such as believing that nothing can help, the notion that seeking help is a sign of weakness, the denial of serious issues, and embarrassment about acquiring help can create a societal mindset that breeds suicidal behavior. Family acceptance of gay youth is also a key factor. In doing a study on the effects of family acceptance of LGB youth, it was found that, “LGB youth who experienced severe family rejection were more than 8 times more likely to report having attempted suicide compared with peers from families with little or no rejection."

It is quite the internal dilemma that we gay Mormons face. We have strong religious beliefs we value, which are uplifting to us. We have close family ties and a community that cares for them. The core teachings of the church are centered on the doctrine that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan." Combined with our own spiritual experiences that are powerful and affirming, we find ourselves strongly connected to the church. On the other hand, we have innate, powerful emotions that all humans have. We have needs to love and be loved. However, we find ourselves connecting emotionally, romantically, intellectually, and even spiritually with those of the same sex.  These powerful attractions for the same gender are just as strong for homosexuals as they are for heterosexuals with the opposite gender.  However, we are made to feel that these feelings make us a bad person, even sinful. Despite a changing attitude and approach in the LDS church, phrases like "struggling with same-gender attraction" are still used in the same manner as one struggles with a terrible disease.

It should not be surprising then, that faithful gay Mormons find themselves inextricably torn between two equally large aspects of their lives—faith and feelings. These two seemingly opposing forces can become so irreconcilable that the inner conflict becomes unbearable.  According to research on the effect of religion on homosexuals, it was found that gay young adults and teens experienced great amounts of religious-based depression because of their inner conflict regarding their sexual orientation, or due to how they were treated by the members of their congregation (Dehlin, 38). This kind of experience is found in the example of Kevin, who shared with me his struggles as a gay youth in the LDS church. He was rejected and ostracized by his peers in Primary and the youth program for being different. He described his conflict with the church by stating that, “Being gay and being LDS can never coincide. There is no gray, sadly, there is only the black: being LDS, and the white, being gay."

Another chilling example of this struggle is in the experience of a woman I’ll call Sarah. She was raised in a conservative LDS home. Growing up, she followed all the teachings of the church, considering herself a “Molly Mormon.” However, her same-sex attraction confused her, since she was always taught that homosexuality was a sin and a choice. Her feelings became so repressed that eventually she fell into depression, and there were times that she felt that suicide was the only way out. She felt that she would rather be dead than tell anyone she was gay, knowing that being gay would bring more shame upon her family than her suicide. Fortunately, she did not end her life as many gay youth have done. She has finally come to accept and love herself for who she is, despite her family’s shock and disapproval of her homosexuality.

It is true that the views of the church toward homosexuality are changing with the recent launch of the church website, mormonsandgays.org, and it is a much needed change. The new stance of the church affirms that same-sex attraction, “is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters." This increased love and understanding towards gays is absolutely necessary, however, there must be more change in the church than this if we are to completely rid our society of homophobic attitudes that are so distressing to our gay youth. 

This is great progress that church leaders are beginning to acknowledge that homosexuality is inherent and not purely a choice. The church no longer teaches that experiencing same-sex attraction is a grave sin, or is the result of a choice and could be cured.  Homosexuality is tied to both biological and pre-natal developmental factors. Studies have shown that it can be genetic, can run in families, and there are many chromosomal linkages to homosexuality, such as handedness, finger lengths, and the number of older brothers one has. Studies have also shown that homosexuality is “more prevalent than assumed, present in both the broader animal kingdom and across various human cultures, and is not associated with psychological maladjustment, malfunctioning, or maladaptation” (Dehlin, 57). It is clear then, that homosexuality is just another facet of God’s creations. As with any of His creations, there is reason and purpose behind why gays are born that way. 

So what is a person to do when they find themselves naturally drawn to those of the same sex? It states in the church’s official direction to those who are same-sex attracted, “President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that those with same-gender attraction who do not express these inclinations may ‘go forward as do all other members of the Church." Where many of them struggle is finding how to go forward with life and with whom in a church that so strongly emphasizes marriage and family. The options for a gay Mormon are not even clearly stated by the church. In his doctoral dissertation that focuses on the psychosocial aspects of being gay and Mormon, John Dehlin explains these three options:

1) Live a celibate life, relying on faith and righteousness.

2) Marry someone of the opposite gender. This is known as a mixed-orientation marriage. Included in this way of life is often some sort of sexual orientation change effort and an increase in personal righteousness.

 3) Pursue a same-sex relationship and either leave the church, or face excommunication (p.58).

Due to the teachings of the church, there is a strong stigma associated with homosexuality. So many young adults live with the fear of being cut off from their family, community and even God, so they view the life of an LGBT individual as an impossibility. For those that do choose to leave the church because of their homosexual orientation, they are put at risk of a multitude of problems such as “anxiety, depression, family rejection, loss of social connections and support, less satisfaction with life, and suicidality” (Dehlin, 55). For many, choosing a life of celibacy is also problematic (Dehlin, 39). A celibate lifestyle can be difficult to maintain, and studies show that it is associated with poorer mental health (Dehlin, 60). It is hard for people to be hopeful about a future that is ripe with loneliness and possible depression. With such a focus on family in the church, a celibate individual can easily feel estranged. In fact, under nearly every circumstance, celibacy is discouraged in the church, except for with the case of homosexuality. 

Marriage, on the other hand, can seem like a viable option to the faithful Latter-day Saint desperate to follow the church’s plan for him. Marriage is associated with better health, and gives one a greater sense of purpose and meaning. However, the many studies on mixed orientation marriage are highly discouraging. Case studies point out that common problems of these kind of marriages are: “sexual and emotional dissonance, disorientation, despair, spiritual turmoil, insecurity, resentment, pain and infidelity” (Dehlin, 61). Divorce rates for mixed orientation marriages range from 57% to as high as 85%. Formerly, the church counseled young gay men to get married, giving them the false impression that it would cure them of their same-sex attraction. In 1987, President Hinkley explained that “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again” (LDSResources).  Although men are no longer told officially in the church to “marry the gay away,” the sentiment that marriage is the solution is still felt in the church today. In fact, 31% of gay LDS men marry women, and that number is 10% higher than the national average (Dehlin, 61). 

The attitudes in the church toward homosexuality lead many to believe that it something that can be cured or overcome. Sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE) have become highly sought after by gay Mormons. Concerned with the increase of these forms of therapy, the American Psychological Association conducted a study on the effectiveness and viability of these efforts. They found that not only were these efforts ineffective at changing one’s sexual orientation, but that they were damaging. It was even found that religious-based SOCE are among the most damaging and least effective of all methods chosen. Those receiving such treatment were shown to experience the following:

“Decreased self-esteem and authenticity to others; increased self-hatred and negative perceptions of homosexuality; confusion, depression, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, shame, social withdrawal, and suicidality; anger at and a sense of betrayal by SOCE providers; an increase in substance abuse and high-risk sexual behaviors; a feeling of being dehumanized and untrue to self; a loss of faith; and a sense of having wasted time and resources,” (APA, 50).

These findings led the APA to declare that sexual orientation is very unlikely to change, and to highly discourage any efforts to change one’s orientation. Their conclusion is that homosexuality is a healthy and normal variation of human sexuality, and it is not something that should be pathologized. Because of how harmful it can be, the APA urges those involved with administering SOCE to stop telling people that they can change their orientation (APA 120-121). This goes entirely counter to what the church tells its members. In the pamphlet God Loveth His Children it states that “many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality.” 

What then, is to be done about this issue? So many gay members, upon finding themselves unable to change their sexual orientation, are left disoriented without any options for their lives. According to LeeBeckstead, a psychologist who focuses his research on gay Mormons, explains that, "the thought of killing yourself comes from the sense of [having] no option. After many anxious efforts of trying to change one's sexuality…suicide becomes a way to end the pain” (Beckstead). To put an end to this suicide epidemic, we as members of the church must continue to bring about a less hostile social environment for gay Mormons. Eventually, the LDS church must become accepting of gay marriage, thus giving their faithful gay members an option other than suicide.

There are plenty of oppositions within the church and throughout the nation on gay marriage. The first reason why people oppose it is because it is believed to be an issue of doctrine. There are only a few scriptures in the Bible that oppose homosexual acts, the bulk of them being part of what is called the Levitical code. Using this as a reason to condemn homosexuality seems only convenient. As Clark Pingree, a gay Mormon states, “If we truly followed the Levitical code that speaks out against homosexuality, then we should also legalize polygamy, encourage concubinage, legalize prostitution, prohibit inter-tribal and interracial marriage, ban all forms of birth control, strip women of their civil rights, and marry off our thirteen year old daughters."  There are very few other examples of God’s disdain for homosexuality. It is not mentioned in the four Gospels, the Book of Mormon, the Pearl of Great Price, or even the Doctrine and Covenants. Joseph Smith said nothing about this issue. It appears then, that the church’s stance on homosexuality stems from well-meaning leaders of the church that are subject to the biases and mindsets of society

I cannot understand how allowing gays to marry destroys the institution of marriage. The purpose of marriage is to establish commitment and strengthen the bonds of a family. Why would we not want to strengthen the families of those that are currently in same-sex relationships? Allowing gays to marry will not take any rights away from those that are already married heterosexually. Those who fear that allowing gay marriage will lead to a slippery slope in which everyone turns gay and the world population ceases to replace itself have completely illogical fears, especially given the studies as to the unchanging nature of sexual orientation. Also given the APA’s assessment that homosexual behaviors and attractions are positive and normal variations of human sexuality, it cannot be assumed that allowing gays to marry would bring about higher instances of rape, bestiality, pedophilia, or any other behavior associated with mental illness or sexual deviation (APA 121).

Many feel that the stance of the church on homosexuality is God’s doctrine, and that His doctrine is not changed by shifting views in society. We must remember the example, however, of how the church came to allow African Americans the right of holding the priesthood. Prior to 1978, black people in the church were denied the priesthood and thus a fullness of the temple ordinances. The American civil rights movement brought about a change in social mindset that allowed the prophet Spencer W. Kimball to be open to receiving revelation regarding the change of policy in the church. Polygamy, an issue also directly related to the institution of marriage, is a similar example. The practice of polygamy caused a very poor outlook on the church, and in 1890 after much pressure from the federal government, President Wilford Woodruff announced the discontinuance of the practice. Doctrine and Covenants section 132 even establishes in scripture that plural marriage as a part of God’s law, yet social change eventually led to the end of polygamy in the mainstream LDS church. 

Picketing on Temple Square won’t necessarily bring about marriage equality in the church. What can bring about this is the change in the attitudes of the members. As latter-day saints seek to understand and accept gay people for who they are and who God created them to be, they will embrace them rather than seek to change them. Viewing gay marriage as being equal to that of any other civil marriage will not destroy the family or frustrate God’s plan of salvation; it merely provides a welcome and healthy option for our young LDS gays. Allowing gays to take full and active part in the church will help keep them from substance abuse, promiscuity, and other risky behaviors that are involved in leaving the church’s safety net. Parents, church leaders, and loved ones should be supportive and encouraging of monogamous healthy same-sex marriages as they are the option that allows for full reconciliation of faith and sexuality. The commonly stated phrase, “Hate the sin, love the sinner” does not send a message of love and acceptance. Instead it tells someone to hate something simply because of the way one loves someone. 

I am grateful that the church is making progress in reaching out to its gay and lesbian members. It gives me hope that one day there will no longer be a culture of homophobia in Utah and throughout the church. I look forward to the day where our gay youth will no longer feel the need to kill themselves because they feel they are left with no options or opportunity to express love the way that they experience love. I hope that by accepting gay marriage the same way that the church views any other non-temple marriage we can bring many who have been hurt by the attitudes of the church back into the fold, thus allowing them the same blessings that other members enjoy. As taught in the Book of Mormon, I hope that the full inclusion of all gays in the church will bring about “a way that thereby others might be partakers of the heavenly gift, that they might hope for those things which they have not seen” (Ether 12:8) 

Dehlin, John P. "Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Religiosity and Psychosocial Health amongst Same-sex Attracted Mormons." Diss. Utah State University, 2012.

 

Becoming Self-Centered

Derek -
I just started reading a book that is already completely changing the way I think about marriage. I'm not so sure why I'm so excited about it but I've only read 50 pages of it with Anna and every paragraph leaves me thinking, "Whoa! This is mind-blowingly awesome!" You're probably wondering what the hell happened to me that has caused me to have such a stark change in attitude from my usual depressive moanings. Well...I'm not quite sure exactly, because frankly this past week was a heavy dose of hellishness mixed with spurts of awesomeness. Today I have renewed hope in my marriage and future, so I thought I'd better blog about it to keep things balanced (since meds don't seem to help me do that right now).

So anyway, the book (I promise I'm not getting paid to promote this). It's called The Self-Centered Marriage, by Hal Runkel (Anna already loves this book so much she wants to name our next son Hal!) We found it a few weeks ago as we were looking in the self-help section of a bookstore in Sun Valley. We read the title together and immediately we knew we needed it. Not sure why, but I guess you could say that the book just spoke to us and the trials we're facing. As it describes itself on the back cover, it says that it teaches "couples how to embrace their separate selves as a profound vehicle for strengthening a marriage. A great marriage is a self-centered marriage because it's a bond between two whole, centered people. Calmly focusing on your own behavior, choices, and moods (which you can control) rather than your spouse's (which you cannot) is the first step toward creating the relationship you really want."

This book is great for a couple like Anna and me. We have been extremely co-dependent upon each other for pretty much our entire relationship. I pretty much lost my individual identity when we started dating. It's no wonder that I had such a bad identity crisis as I sought to reconcile and accept my homosexuality. I believe that this book will help me as I strive to establish my own unique identity as a gay man and will help Anna establish her own independence as she accepts the reality of our situation. I'm very hopeful as you can see.

Allow me to share with you a huge marriage myth that this book blows out of the water:

Spouses are supposed to meet each other's emotional needs.

Back the truck up. That's a myth? I've been whining and bitching for months about how impossible it is for me as a gay man to have my emotional needs met by Anna and vice versa, and here you tell me that even in straight marriages that's not supposed to happen? Wow. Here's a few nuggets of awesomeness from the book:

"The truth is that you and your spouse do not need each other. What marriages need most are spouses who do not need each other."

"If our job is to meet one another's needs, then we automatically set up a quid-pro-quo relationship that is only as strong as the mutual cooperation of each partner. There's no reliance on personal integrity here, the idea that my behavior is driven by my highest principles, not by whether or not I believe my spouse is working hard enough to meet my needs. In this faulty model, there's only reliance on what you've done for me lately."

"The worst part of this needs-meeting model...is that by concentrating so much on our needs, we end up creating two very needy people. We end up with two whiny, immature people needing each other, always with the mind-set that if i don't get mine, then you won't get yours, and on and on. And when's the last time you respected an emotionally needy person? Never, that's when."

"The self-centered ScreamFree model of relationships is based on each individual taking full responsibility for his/her own emotional needs. That way spouses can freely want each other."

"It is not your spouse's job to validate you, to make you feel secure enough, sexy enough, respected enough, or loved enough for you to return the favor. It is not your spouse's job to meet these "needs" any more than it's your spouse's job to take care of your physical body.  Getting the validation you seek is your responsibility, and true validation is not something you seek from another; it derives from a strength of character within that allows you to serve another...without needing them to serve you in return."

Perhaps this seems very elementary to you, but for me this concept is huge. I am responsible for making sure my own emotional needs are met. Anna is responsible for her needs. It is ridiculous to think that we could ever meet each other's needs entirely. I need to be an adult and make sure that I get my needs met through other people outside my marriage in appropriate ways, and not in needy, clingy ways.

One thing I tend to do is emotionally shut down. That happened this week. My wife was crying her eyes out next to me and my best friend was bawling in another room. And what was I feeling? Absolutely nothing. I realized that I emotionally disengage at times to protect myself from being hurt. It's not healthy, and it's up to me to find ways to effectively deal with my emotions so that I don't turn into a zombie. It's not my wife's fault that I'm withdrawn and distant, and it's not my friend's responsibility to make me better. It's up to me. Not that I shouldn't allow people into my life that help build me up, I just need to own and be in control of my own emotional needs.

My marriage needs to be redefined and adjusted. With my homosexuality there isn't much that's keeping us together for physical and emotional reasons. Add in my shaky testimony in which I'm questioning many of the doctrines of the gospel and you can see that there isn't much spiritual motivation for me to stay married either. However, the well-being of Anna and my kids and the fact that I could easily be just as miserable in a same-sex relationship are what is keeping me in my marriage right now. Consequently I have to establish my marriage on the basis of strengthening my own character, integrity, and identity and allowing Anna to do the same if we really want to make this work.

There's much more that I've learned that I want to share but I don't have time to even attempt to explain it all. I'll end with one more golden nugget:

He explains that in your wedding vows, "you said 'I do,' not 'we do.' You said 'I do,' not 'as long as you do, I do.' You said 'I do,' for life. and that 'I do' is what gets you through times when you don't feel like it, when your spouse isn't sharing the same spirit, when you're tempted to run because your needs don't feel met. The 'I do' spirit is exactly what will lead you to grow as a spouse, and grow closer to your spouse, without waiting for him/her to make a reciprocal move. And that's why this book is called The Self-Centered Marriage. The first word you said in marriage was 'I,' and that is the word that will lead you to the type of passionate, lasting connection we all crave."