A Poem I Wrote

W(hole)ness

At the edge of the schoolyard, content to play with few
In the far right field, or sprinting the margins of the court
I stood outside the huddled mass of children
their quiet whispers filling me with shame
knowing that a part of me is different from the rest

Far away in a tiny village at a jungle's edge
with my band of brothers on both sides
I cast off my awkwardness and discovered my essence
while sharing God's fullness with a book
giving of myself that for a time made me feel complete

I told her that I loved her, that together we'd always be
But something eery stirred within me
I knew a strange small piece was missing from my core
Confusion racked my being
So at the edge of her driveway I left her standing sobbing

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

So young and eager to fill my gaping hole, another entered my life
She, I was determined would make me feel whole
In the center of the room we knelt
with mirrors on both sides to symbolize
an endless promise we made; trusting in God's blessing

It wasn't long after that I cowered in the corner
my heart breaking, body shaking
The secret I thought was buried deep
lay exposed to both our horror
It cannot be what comprises me; denying my own nature

In the center of the circle, cradled in our arms
a piece of me laid sweetly sleeping
I sent a prayer heavenward with trust in Him above
This small babe filled a portion of my gaping hole
My heart resolved to forever cherish and guard him

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

Slowly at first, then more each day my heart grew colder
That hollowness I'd tried for so long to deny
was feverishly eating away at my core
Those beliefs I once treasured were causing such angst
that with contempt I hurled them; they shattered on the floor

Feeling scalded by the only faith I knew
I grasped for belonging among the margins
Relief encompassed me as I found others
with hearts oriented in a similar manner
I ceased to loathe that part of me; my truth I did accept

In my haste for real completeness
I made my way to the inviting haven
With arms outstretched only a few steps away
I then glanced down to my terror and saw my ruptured gash
Another large piece of me had been abandoned at the gate

But inside all along
Those yearnings burned strong
And in my heart did I pray
God, make me anything but gay

Feeling faint and remorseful yet with pain I did retreat
I gathered myself up, clutching my torn pieces
Consigned to live a life split between two worlds
Building barriers about; it's the isolation I thought I deserved
Striving to keep my battered soul from being further shredded

How can I know the truth, and with it be set free?
I'm left to long for wholeness while living on the fray
How do I live without denying part of me
For with all God's blessed me with, He also made me gay?

Soledad

Allow me to discuss the boy band that stole my heart as a young teenage boy. It wasn't backstreet boys, 98 degrees, or Nsync. Mormonism was my only world so anything outside of mormonism held little value to me. So the band that was the focus of my young obsessions was Colors, a group of three LDS guys from Kaysville. . And here they are:

If you were born to late or two early or too far outside the Mormon bubble to know them, they are (in order, referring to the middle photo) Brian Tibbets, Russ Dixon, and Ryan Merrill. Ryan was my favorite, and I had quite the little crush on him. I played percussion in Jr. High (in addition to trumpet) because of him. I once got a chance to play the congas in my jazz band and boy was I excited to be playing them like Ryan. Never has any young teenager played the congas with such passion before or since. (haha!) They all went to Utah State (my own alma mater!) and they were even friends with my oldest sister who met them in college. They performed in my hometown when I was 13 and believe me, I was smitten. I listened to their CD over and over and over again. I know every lyric to this day. By the time I was in high school the group had pretty well ended their careers as musicians and Brian had actually moved to my hometown. My high school girlfriend shared my love for Colors and one of her friends who was in Brian's ward arranged to have him come to our class and sing to her for her birthday. We were both swooning (I was just trying hard to hide it) as he sang "The Reggae Song,"  which went on to become our song. I didn't marry her but my wife appreciates Colors as well so at our wedding luncheon we actually sang a duet together to the Colors' "Wedding Song." And to this day I still rock my kids to sleep while singing them Colors songs. For some reason their songs have always had a lot of meaning to me and they likely always will. Their song, "Soledad" is one of my absolute favorites. Here's the lyrics:

Make a wish and dreams come true
Set a sail and watch it into the blue
What's an open door
If I don't walk through

So I watch the stars move
In the summer skies
The earth holds my back and I'm
Drowning in the moon's light
And I think of all the places
And the faces
Of people that I've known
When I'm alone

I go home to my soledad
Oh, oh oh in my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
Can all come true
In my soledad

Every now and then
Somebody's gonna say
"How much for your dreams?
Tell me what could I pay?"
And with my eyes closed
My eyes closed
I could say, "Go on,
Take everything away."

But my soledad
Oh oh, no, not my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
Are yet to come true
In my soledad

Mmmm

A la mirar la distancia de los cielos
Me da esperanza que mis anelos se cumpliran
Y aunque ser por un momento
No me escape el sentimiento
Que este lugar me da
Y por un dia mas
Puedo dejar todo atras

In mi soledad
Oh, oh oh in my soledad
All of my day and my dreams
And my wishes
They're all comin' true
In my soledad

Hmmmm
My soledad

English Translation:

soledad = solitude

In looking at the distance of heaven
It gives me hope that my wishes will be fulfilled
And although it be but for a moment
I do not escape the feeling
That this place gives me
And for one day more
I can leave it all behind

Solitude is something very important to me. Although sometimes I fear being alone, I treasure times when I'm able able to really reflect and ponder. It being summer, often take walks at night so that I can think things through and feel somewhat closer to God. I've had some profound experiences that have allowed me to connect spiritually with God and learn more about myself through solitude. Its experiences like this that have allowed me to gaze into heaven and really separate myself from all else in the world. Many people in the church experience this through temple worship, and I think that is great. That doesn't work for me, however, so I do things my own way. Even though I have significant doubts as to the existence of a life after this one, I still long for heaven, and that gives me hope. I don't intend to wait til death to experience heaven though. I plan to do all I can to bring the feelings of heaven into my mortal life here and now, so I try to treasure the heavenly moments. Here's a few I've experienced lately:

Stargazing by myself at the park near my home.

Watching fireworks on Independence day with my wife and kids. 

Having a meaningful conversation with a friend.

Having lunch with Anna on the grass at the park while watching my boys play together.

Watching a hilarious movie

Enjoying the incredible talents of others.

Anything apart from the mundane and depressing parts of life ought to be appreciated more. So many times I complain that my life is boring and predictable. I complain about a lot of things actually. But life is just usually hard or dull or super frustrating and challenging. So when it isn't, and we are able to experience goodness and joy we should try to view it as a bit of heaven.

Yesterday I was able to get a taste of soledad, but not in the regard that I was alone. It was quite the opposite. I spent it with friends doing fun things. It was a chance for me to escape the world I live in daily and not have to think about a lot of the anxieties that torment me. While driving home last night I felt incredibly at peace. I was able to be with people all day that accept me for who I am. I didn't have to play any roles. I didn't have to worry about being judged. I didn't have to worry about anyone's agenda for me. It was very refreshing, and I loved it. Sure, life can't be like that all the time. That would be unrealistic. But I'd like to think that my life can become closer to the heaven that I long for as I appreciate the special moments and find ways to cultivate more of them in my life.

I'm grateful that I'm able to have these kind of escapes from life. And as long as we're able to continue to live in the present on a day-to-day basis, I find it perfectly acceptable to wish and dream and hope for something more. Its helps to get away from it all and live it up every once in a while.

Sorry ladies, I'm not metro

"I saw your husband today," Anna's friend told her,  "he looked so nice and put together. Do you dress him or does he dress himself?"
"He dresses himself. He really into clothes."
At this point Anna probably thinks to herself, "and he's really into guys. If they only knew."

A lot of her friends are a bit surprised and and even jealous upon hearing that I look so  nice by my own doing. Perhaps this is because I dress better than all their frumpy straight husbands who are still wearing the clothes they got years ago when they were dating. Anna is hesitant to buy me clothes as gifts because she knows how particular I am. I also won't let Anna do my own laundry because I'm very particular with how my clothes are handled.  Her friends are also surprised to find out that I cut my own hair. It's not your standard crew or buzz cut so why would I pay big bucks to get my trendy hairstyle when I can do it myself? I once tried to highlight Anna's hair to save money and that resulted in tears. In the end it wasn't too bad but I think I'd rather not go through that ordeal again. Her friends probably think I'm just metro, and I'm fine with letting them think that.

I've always been really into fashion. Not necessarily high-fashion, name brand, expensive stuff. Never had the money for that. But dressing nice and classy has long been important to me. Since I was like 7 or 8 I always insisted on doing all my own shopping and styling my own hair. I remember one of my favorite things to do at the end of summer was back-to-school shopping. Afterward my two older sisters and I would put on modelling shows to display our spiffy new attire (most of it probably purchased at JC Penney). I would then lay out each of the outfits I would wear for the first three days of school out on my floor. My mom thought it was funny. Early on she knew I was very different from my older brother, and even most boys in general.

I was such a gay little kid. I hated getting my clothes dirty.  I remember in 3rd grade while playing outside I slipped and got a grass stain on my jeans. On class picture day! Needless to say I was mortified that I had to stand in the front row (I was a real short kid) where my stain would be seen and memorialized permanently.

There have been many times in my life where I felt like I had to tone down my fashion sensibilities out of fear that it would give away my gayness. But once I started accepting myself for who I am I stopped giving a damn as to whether I looked gay or not. Looking nice makes me feel good, and if something simple as that boosts my confidence and mood then I'll do it without question.

I wore a fedora the other day to a community dinner. I don't want to sound too boastful but I look pretty damn dapper in it. Funny thing was that the one woman there who knows I'm gay because she's Anna's good friend was also wearing a fedora. We joked about calling each other to coordinate and then we arranged what we'd wear to church on Sunday. I bet she's really jealous that her husband doesn't dress as nice as me. But on second thought, I'm sure she's very relieved that he's at least straight.

Just because you missed me, Chase

This blog is stagnant. Just like my life. It used to be such a good place for me to hurl my confusion and frustration, so I'll give it a go again. These past few months have been strange and crazy and great and hard. Here's a brief list of what's gone on:

I made it through another semester of hellishness.
I graduated from college.
I came out to my parents (first came out of the spiritual closet, then I was pulled out of the homosexual closet).
I started a new job (a real grown-up job!)
Anna and I started marriage counseling.

Telling my parents that I don't believe in the church was hard. I didn't realize that they would take it much harder than when I came out about being gay to them. I never finished that letter to them but this blog pretty well goes through a lot of my development that has occurred where I left off in the last ten months or so. It was scary and hard for my parents to accept but I ended up having a very good conversation with my mom for several hours about it and I could really feel her love, even if she didn't understand. My dad is a little different. We haven't discussed my homosexuality at all but he has been very concerned about my views toward the church. Every time we've talked about it we've ended up arguing. It's led to an even greater strain in my relationship with my father.

My testimony in the church is something I haven't discussed a ton on here. To put it simply, I don't believe in the major truth claims of the church. One true church. Book of Mormon's historicity. Priesthood Authority. Ordinances of Salvation. Joseph Smith as a Prophet. Word of Wisdom. Pretty important stuff to believe in if you're a Mormon. I've found myself with a completely deconstructed faith. It's been a bit terrifying. It's also been incredibly freeing. I now no longer measure my worth by the expectations of an authoritarian organization. For a time I became a bit atheist. At this point I'm striving find faith again, so I'll consider myself an agnostic theist. Throughout all of this radical change in belief, however, I never stopped going to church. Sure, I'd skip Elder's quorum and Sunday School a lot when sacrament meeting left me bitter enough, and most of the time I go to keep the peace with Anna and help maintain reasonable control of the boys. But I've never been able to shake off the church completely. And perhaps I never will be able to.

Mormonism is as much a part of me as my homosexuality is a part of me. It's so ingrained into my psyche and culture and family life. And I realized that despite my complete lack of belief, I still seek out understanding and learning in the Mormon context through blogs in the mohosphere, support groups like Northstar, and podcasts like Mormon Stories and A Thoughtful Faith. Mormonism is very much the water I swim in, and I don't see any way to keep it from being an influence in my life.

I had a brief chat with my bishop about where I'm at.  I explained straight up that I don't believe in the church, that I not longer hold a recommend or keep my temple covenants, and I only go for my family. So what does he do with my self-proclaimed apostasy? He gives me a calling of course. I was asked to teach in the Elder's Quorum. We'll see how long this lasts before they release me for teaching false doctrine some of the many new things I've learned.  I told my bishop and Elder's Quorum President that I refuse to be hypocritical and teach something I don't believe just because it's in the lesson. Surprisingly, they were very understanding, and insisted that the men in the ward had something to learn from me. Talk about a completely different experience than I had with my last bishop. I've gotten past a lot of my bitterness toward the church and I do accept that it does much good in the lives of its members and can still be of benefit to me. I'm certainly not opposed to an opportunity to serve and perhaps allow others to see a completely different take on the church and spirituality. I also figured that since I've spent so much time breaking apart my beliefs lately that this would give me a chance to learn for myself what I truly believe in my heart.

So far I've taught two lessons. The first was very interesting. The lesson was about missionary work. I spun that into a discussion about the growth of the church and shared some stats that show people are leaving almost as fast as they're joining. Then discussed reasons why people leave the church. I shared the results of a poll that asked former Mormons why they leave and made the point that a very small percentage actually get offended or leave because they want to sin. Most of them leave because like I, they don't believe the doctrine. And then I talked about how we need to show love to people who question the church and reach out to them rather than make hurtful accusations about them. I did learn a lot and I think a meaningful experience was had by many of the men there (although I did make a few of them rather nervous and uncomfortable when I started mentioning the issues that people have with the church!) If you're interested in my lesson, check out the links at the end of this post.

I've realized that I'm very much a fence sitter. It's frustrating but I don't know how else to do things at this point. I don't believe in Mormonism yet I'm still quite active. On Sunday I wear my white shirt and tie at church in the morning and then in the afternoon I'll often work out, go shopping, or have a coffee in the afternoon.  I've really accepted and tried to embrace my homosexuality. I no longer share the church's homophobic views that would hold me back yet I still remain married to my wife. I see nothing sinful or immoral about homosexual behavior.  To me, same-sex relationships are as natural and meaningful as heterosexual relationships. My many marital difficulties cause me to contemplate divorce a lot. However, at the same time I do find joy in being married. There are many times when things between Anna and I are quite great. I have found a lot of fulfillment in having close friendships with other guys, particularly other gay guys. I strongly need these relationships, but unfortunately I've found that friends come and go, and no one has been a consistent part of my life like my wife has. Despite all the crap I've put her through and the intense emotions we've experienced in our marriage, she still loves me. She's becoming more accepting all the time and she really strives to understand me. Yet still I struggle with serious doubts of whether or not I can continue to live as a married man. However, being a father and family man is a significant part of my identity, although at times I struggle with that role.

I wonder how long I'll remain caught between different worlds like I am now. I feel a bit like I don't belong anywhere. I don't fit into the Mormon realm, since I don't believe it. I don't belong among the ex-Mormons, since I'm still active. I don't belong in the gay community since I'm married to a woman. I don't even feel like I fit into gay Mormon communities like Northstar because I don't view my homosexuality as some sort of affliction and I don't share some of the same views and values.  I don't necessarily think that I have to fit my identity into one neat box. I can very well be myself and walk my own path, it's just challenging. I feel like I'm just caught in this strange limbo where I'm not sure if I'm progressing in any particular direction.

Perhaps that's why I've slacked off on blogging. I feel like I have to report some sort of progress with each post and progress doesn't seem to be happening. But that's silly. This is my blog and I should be able to spew out whatever nonsense I want to, progress or no progress.So I will try to commit myself to blogging more. I think it's healthy for me. Perhaps one day I'll write a book and I'll be grateful for all the writing experience that this blog gave me. Or maybe I'll just write a blog that no one but like three people will read. Oh wait I've already done that. Now I'm just rambling. And I'm done.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/we-are-one?lang=eng

 

http://www.religiondispatches.org/archive/culture/5611/mormon_numbers_not_adding_up/

http://mormonstories.org/top-5-myths-and-truths-about-why-committed-mormons-leave-the-church/

 

http://www.whymormonsquestion.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Survey-Results_Understanding-Mormon-Disbelief-Mar20121.pdf