So if I were sensible I would be sleeping right now. Both my boys and Derek are zonked out, but instead of sleeping I chose to catch up on things I can't get done during the day. While I feel productive right now, I know when morning comes I will be kicking myself! Anyways, I have had some thoughts flooding through my mind today that I wanted to discuss.
First, I am new to this whole blogging thing so forgive me if I sound disjointed. As I've read posts from many gay Mormon bloggers my heart has truly been touched by their stories. Some I have read have chosen to stay active in the church with the hope that they will either marry in this life or the next. This is truly inspiring to me. Others have chosen a different path, which is to leave the church to live a life they feel is more authentic and will bring them greater fulfillment in this life. I see this as a very courageous choice as well. Both sides have caused me to think a great deal. By reading these stories I have felt love, compassion and mercy towards those who have these attractions, including my husband. I have not walked in these shoes, but I walk beside them. I see what Derek goes through and the way he tries to reconcile his own authenticity while staying true to his beliefs and our marriage and it is a tough challenge! I guess what I want to say is to all of you that face this same predicament, you inspire me. I've always been a believer that whatever challenge is presented to us, we can learn and grow from it. I know that this is true for some of you who may read this that are struggling right now. What I've learned is that life will never meet our expectations of how we think things should go. The real challenge is to find joy in the here and now. I think this is something I will struggle with the rest of my life-being happy TODAY regardless of what my circumstances may be. I found a quote by President Hinckley that I feel sums it up quite well:
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise... the trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
This goes along with the "I'll be happy when ..." cycle. I feel that most of my life I've played that game. First it was "I'll be happy when I go to college". Then it was "I love college but I'll be truly happy when I get married." After that came, "Well marriage is good but when we have kids, that's when things will really be great." Looking back, all of these times in my life have been good and there is no magic moment when I will truly feel fulfilled. We tend to look at these types of situations that we haven't experienced yet or yearn for with rose-colored glasses. When in reality, life is not that way.
I have done this with my marriage. After realizing that my husband didn't meet the high expectations I thought all husbands should meet and that I was married to a gay man, I kind of mourned the loss of the marriage I thought I would have. I focused on the things that were missing instead of all the great things I did have. Because I'm human, I still do this sometimes. I think though that I have learned a little more to look at my marriage, and my life, with a more realistic approach. Life is hard, bad things happen, the days drone on, glamorous and exciting things don't happen all of the time. However, life is also great, wonderful things do happen, the years fly by, and there are special moments that I treasure. I have learned to find immense joy in seeing my little newborn baby look into my eyes and smile. I get excited when my 2 year old says a new word or gives me a kiss. I treasure the times that Derek and I can just lay and bed and talk about our day, or the funny things the kids did. That is what life's all about.
So to you who may be reading that are feeling robbed, discouraged, or that you're life is not turning out how you planned I want to say something that someone once told me. When I was in some of my hardest times, someone told me, "Anna, I know that it's hard to see this right now, but what if it's possible that your life could turn out so much better than you imagine it will?" This made me think. At that time, I had a doomsday view of how my life was going to go. This included loneliness, sadness and just trying to get by. As I thought about what this person told me I started to think about that being a reality. Maybe my life will turn out better than I thought? Maybe one day I will look back on all of these hard things and see how much I've learned? Maybe I can be truly happy? I believe happiness is possible for everyone. Some days it may not feel like it, we may feel that our unmet needs outweigh our blessings. This is normal. What I've learned is that everything is a phase in life. We go through a hard time-it's a phase. That doesn't mean there won't be more hard times, but they will always pass and joy will come. I have learned to try to take life one day at a time, that is really all we can do. The great thing about life is that all of the imperfections and hard times make the great ones that much more worth it.
