The Case for Mormon Marriage Equality

Derek- 
The biggest threat to the life of Utahans aged 15-24 is not drugs, alcohol, disease, or even auto accidents. Here in our state known for family values and strong religious ties, suicide is the leading killer of our teens and young adults. In fact, Utah leads the nation in suicides of men in this age group, and the data gets even more appalling as you look further. Of these early deaths of Utah’s young population, 89% are males. One third of these men are homosexuals, making up the single largest group of suicides. The percentages among the LDS church are very much the same, with over 30% of suicides of its membership reported as having “gender identity issues,” (LDS Church News).  Nationally, homosexuals make up approximately 5% of the total population.  According to estimates by the American Association of Suicidology, LGBT youth are 3.4 times more likely to kill themselves than their straight peers. An increase in amounts of rejection causes the likelihood of suicide to increase, and that is most certainly the case given the hostility of our social environment for our gay brothers, sons, and friends in Utah and throughout the LDS church.­

Being a gay Mormon and having lived in Utah for most of my adult life, I wondered what would contribute to such a suicide epidemic among our gay youth? According to the American Association of Suicidology, high rates of suicide among this group are associated with social environments with high rates of victimization and homophobic attitudes. Their studies of suicides among gay youth show that much of what puts them at risk of suicide stems from the social and cultural environment. Societal attitudes such as believing that nothing can help, the notion that seeking help is a sign of weakness, the denial of serious issues, and embarrassment about acquiring help can create a societal mindset that breeds suicidal behavior. Family acceptance of gay youth is also a key factor. In doing a study on the effects of family acceptance of LGB youth, it was found that, “LGB youth who experienced severe family rejection were more than 8 times more likely to report having attempted suicide compared with peers from families with little or no rejection."

It is quite the internal dilemma that we gay Mormons face. We have strong religious beliefs we value, which are uplifting to us. We have close family ties and a community that cares for them. The core teachings of the church are centered on the doctrine that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan." Combined with our own spiritual experiences that are powerful and affirming, we find ourselves strongly connected to the church. On the other hand, we have innate, powerful emotions that all humans have. We have needs to love and be loved. However, we find ourselves connecting emotionally, romantically, intellectually, and even spiritually with those of the same sex.  These powerful attractions for the same gender are just as strong for homosexuals as they are for heterosexuals with the opposite gender.  However, we are made to feel that these feelings make us a bad person, even sinful. Despite a changing attitude and approach in the LDS church, phrases like "struggling with same-gender attraction" are still used in the same manner as one struggles with a terrible disease.

It should not be surprising then, that faithful gay Mormons find themselves inextricably torn between two equally large aspects of their lives—faith and feelings. These two seemingly opposing forces can become so irreconcilable that the inner conflict becomes unbearable.  According to research on the effect of religion on homosexuals, it was found that gay young adults and teens experienced great amounts of religious-based depression because of their inner conflict regarding their sexual orientation, or due to how they were treated by the members of their congregation (Dehlin, 38). This kind of experience is found in the example of Kevin, who shared with me his struggles as a gay youth in the LDS church. He was rejected and ostracized by his peers in Primary and the youth program for being different. He described his conflict with the church by stating that, “Being gay and being LDS can never coincide. There is no gray, sadly, there is only the black: being LDS, and the white, being gay."

Another chilling example of this struggle is in the experience of a woman I’ll call Sarah. She was raised in a conservative LDS home. Growing up, she followed all the teachings of the church, considering herself a “Molly Mormon.” However, her same-sex attraction confused her, since she was always taught that homosexuality was a sin and a choice. Her feelings became so repressed that eventually she fell into depression, and there were times that she felt that suicide was the only way out. She felt that she would rather be dead than tell anyone she was gay, knowing that being gay would bring more shame upon her family than her suicide. Fortunately, she did not end her life as many gay youth have done. She has finally come to accept and love herself for who she is, despite her family’s shock and disapproval of her homosexuality.

It is true that the views of the church toward homosexuality are changing with the recent launch of the church website, mormonsandgays.org, and it is a much needed change. The new stance of the church affirms that same-sex attraction, “is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters." This increased love and understanding towards gays is absolutely necessary, however, there must be more change in the church than this if we are to completely rid our society of homophobic attitudes that are so distressing to our gay youth. 

This is great progress that church leaders are beginning to acknowledge that homosexuality is inherent and not purely a choice. The church no longer teaches that experiencing same-sex attraction is a grave sin, or is the result of a choice and could be cured.  Homosexuality is tied to both biological and pre-natal developmental factors. Studies have shown that it can be genetic, can run in families, and there are many chromosomal linkages to homosexuality, such as handedness, finger lengths, and the number of older brothers one has. Studies have also shown that homosexuality is “more prevalent than assumed, present in both the broader animal kingdom and across various human cultures, and is not associated with psychological maladjustment, malfunctioning, or maladaptation” (Dehlin, 57). It is clear then, that homosexuality is just another facet of God’s creations. As with any of His creations, there is reason and purpose behind why gays are born that way. 

So what is a person to do when they find themselves naturally drawn to those of the same sex? It states in the church’s official direction to those who are same-sex attracted, “President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that those with same-gender attraction who do not express these inclinations may ‘go forward as do all other members of the Church." Where many of them struggle is finding how to go forward with life and with whom in a church that so strongly emphasizes marriage and family. The options for a gay Mormon are not even clearly stated by the church. In his doctoral dissertation that focuses on the psychosocial aspects of being gay and Mormon, John Dehlin explains these three options:

1) Live a celibate life, relying on faith and righteousness.

2) Marry someone of the opposite gender. This is known as a mixed-orientation marriage. Included in this way of life is often some sort of sexual orientation change effort and an increase in personal righteousness.

 3) Pursue a same-sex relationship and either leave the church, or face excommunication (p.58).

Due to the teachings of the church, there is a strong stigma associated with homosexuality. So many young adults live with the fear of being cut off from their family, community and even God, so they view the life of an LGBT individual as an impossibility. For those that do choose to leave the church because of their homosexual orientation, they are put at risk of a multitude of problems such as “anxiety, depression, family rejection, loss of social connections and support, less satisfaction with life, and suicidality” (Dehlin, 55). For many, choosing a life of celibacy is also problematic (Dehlin, 39). A celibate lifestyle can be difficult to maintain, and studies show that it is associated with poorer mental health (Dehlin, 60). It is hard for people to be hopeful about a future that is ripe with loneliness and possible depression. With such a focus on family in the church, a celibate individual can easily feel estranged. In fact, under nearly every circumstance, celibacy is discouraged in the church, except for with the case of homosexuality. 

Marriage, on the other hand, can seem like a viable option to the faithful Latter-day Saint desperate to follow the church’s plan for him. Marriage is associated with better health, and gives one a greater sense of purpose and meaning. However, the many studies on mixed orientation marriage are highly discouraging. Case studies point out that common problems of these kind of marriages are: “sexual and emotional dissonance, disorientation, despair, spiritual turmoil, insecurity, resentment, pain and infidelity” (Dehlin, 61). Divorce rates for mixed orientation marriages range from 57% to as high as 85%. Formerly, the church counseled young gay men to get married, giving them the false impression that it would cure them of their same-sex attraction. In 1987, President Hinkley explained that “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again” (LDSResources).  Although men are no longer told officially in the church to “marry the gay away,” the sentiment that marriage is the solution is still felt in the church today. In fact, 31% of gay LDS men marry women, and that number is 10% higher than the national average (Dehlin, 61). 

The attitudes in the church toward homosexuality lead many to believe that it something that can be cured or overcome. Sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE) have become highly sought after by gay Mormons. Concerned with the increase of these forms of therapy, the American Psychological Association conducted a study on the effectiveness and viability of these efforts. They found that not only were these efforts ineffective at changing one’s sexual orientation, but that they were damaging. It was even found that religious-based SOCE are among the most damaging and least effective of all methods chosen. Those receiving such treatment were shown to experience the following:

“Decreased self-esteem and authenticity to others; increased self-hatred and negative perceptions of homosexuality; confusion, depression, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, shame, social withdrawal, and suicidality; anger at and a sense of betrayal by SOCE providers; an increase in substance abuse and high-risk sexual behaviors; a feeling of being dehumanized and untrue to self; a loss of faith; and a sense of having wasted time and resources,” (APA, 50).

These findings led the APA to declare that sexual orientation is very unlikely to change, and to highly discourage any efforts to change one’s orientation. Their conclusion is that homosexuality is a healthy and normal variation of human sexuality, and it is not something that should be pathologized. Because of how harmful it can be, the APA urges those involved with administering SOCE to stop telling people that they can change their orientation (APA 120-121). This goes entirely counter to what the church tells its members. In the pamphlet God Loveth His Children it states that “many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality.” 

What then, is to be done about this issue? So many gay members, upon finding themselves unable to change their sexual orientation, are left disoriented without any options for their lives. According to LeeBeckstead, a psychologist who focuses his research on gay Mormons, explains that, "the thought of killing yourself comes from the sense of [having] no option. After many anxious efforts of trying to change one's sexuality…suicide becomes a way to end the pain” (Beckstead). To put an end to this suicide epidemic, we as members of the church must continue to bring about a less hostile social environment for gay Mormons. Eventually, the LDS church must become accepting of gay marriage, thus giving their faithful gay members an option other than suicide.

There are plenty of oppositions within the church and throughout the nation on gay marriage. The first reason why people oppose it is because it is believed to be an issue of doctrine. There are only a few scriptures in the Bible that oppose homosexual acts, the bulk of them being part of what is called the Levitical code. Using this as a reason to condemn homosexuality seems only convenient. As Clark Pingree, a gay Mormon states, “If we truly followed the Levitical code that speaks out against homosexuality, then we should also legalize polygamy, encourage concubinage, legalize prostitution, prohibit inter-tribal and interracial marriage, ban all forms of birth control, strip women of their civil rights, and marry off our thirteen year old daughters."  There are very few other examples of God’s disdain for homosexuality. It is not mentioned in the four Gospels, the Book of Mormon, the Pearl of Great Price, or even the Doctrine and Covenants. Joseph Smith said nothing about this issue. It appears then, that the church’s stance on homosexuality stems from well-meaning leaders of the church that are subject to the biases and mindsets of society

I cannot understand how allowing gays to marry destroys the institution of marriage. The purpose of marriage is to establish commitment and strengthen the bonds of a family. Why would we not want to strengthen the families of those that are currently in same-sex relationships? Allowing gays to marry will not take any rights away from those that are already married heterosexually. Those who fear that allowing gay marriage will lead to a slippery slope in which everyone turns gay and the world population ceases to replace itself have completely illogical fears, especially given the studies as to the unchanging nature of sexual orientation. Also given the APA’s assessment that homosexual behaviors and attractions are positive and normal variations of human sexuality, it cannot be assumed that allowing gays to marry would bring about higher instances of rape, bestiality, pedophilia, or any other behavior associated with mental illness or sexual deviation (APA 121).

Many feel that the stance of the church on homosexuality is God’s doctrine, and that His doctrine is not changed by shifting views in society. We must remember the example, however, of how the church came to allow African Americans the right of holding the priesthood. Prior to 1978, black people in the church were denied the priesthood and thus a fullness of the temple ordinances. The American civil rights movement brought about a change in social mindset that allowed the prophet Spencer W. Kimball to be open to receiving revelation regarding the change of policy in the church. Polygamy, an issue also directly related to the institution of marriage, is a similar example. The practice of polygamy caused a very poor outlook on the church, and in 1890 after much pressure from the federal government, President Wilford Woodruff announced the discontinuance of the practice. Doctrine and Covenants section 132 even establishes in scripture that plural marriage as a part of God’s law, yet social change eventually led to the end of polygamy in the mainstream LDS church. 

Picketing on Temple Square won’t necessarily bring about marriage equality in the church. What can bring about this is the change in the attitudes of the members. As latter-day saints seek to understand and accept gay people for who they are and who God created them to be, they will embrace them rather than seek to change them. Viewing gay marriage as being equal to that of any other civil marriage will not destroy the family or frustrate God’s plan of salvation; it merely provides a welcome and healthy option for our young LDS gays. Allowing gays to take full and active part in the church will help keep them from substance abuse, promiscuity, and other risky behaviors that are involved in leaving the church’s safety net. Parents, church leaders, and loved ones should be supportive and encouraging of monogamous healthy same-sex marriages as they are the option that allows for full reconciliation of faith and sexuality. The commonly stated phrase, “Hate the sin, love the sinner” does not send a message of love and acceptance. Instead it tells someone to hate something simply because of the way one loves someone. 

I am grateful that the church is making progress in reaching out to its gay and lesbian members. It gives me hope that one day there will no longer be a culture of homophobia in Utah and throughout the church. I look forward to the day where our gay youth will no longer feel the need to kill themselves because they feel they are left with no options or opportunity to express love the way that they experience love. I hope that by accepting gay marriage the same way that the church views any other non-temple marriage we can bring many who have been hurt by the attitudes of the church back into the fold, thus allowing them the same blessings that other members enjoy. As taught in the Book of Mormon, I hope that the full inclusion of all gays in the church will bring about “a way that thereby others might be partakers of the heavenly gift, that they might hope for those things which they have not seen” (Ether 12:8) 

Dehlin, John P. "Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Religiosity and Psychosocial Health amongst Same-sex Attracted Mormons." Diss. Utah State University, 2012.

 

Becoming Self-Centered

Derek -
I just started reading a book that is already completely changing the way I think about marriage. I'm not so sure why I'm so excited about it but I've only read 50 pages of it with Anna and every paragraph leaves me thinking, "Whoa! This is mind-blowingly awesome!" You're probably wondering what the hell happened to me that has caused me to have such a stark change in attitude from my usual depressive moanings. Well...I'm not quite sure exactly, because frankly this past week was a heavy dose of hellishness mixed with spurts of awesomeness. Today I have renewed hope in my marriage and future, so I thought I'd better blog about it to keep things balanced (since meds don't seem to help me do that right now).

So anyway, the book (I promise I'm not getting paid to promote this). It's called The Self-Centered Marriage, by Hal Runkel (Anna already loves this book so much she wants to name our next son Hal!) We found it a few weeks ago as we were looking in the self-help section of a bookstore in Sun Valley. We read the title together and immediately we knew we needed it. Not sure why, but I guess you could say that the book just spoke to us and the trials we're facing. As it describes itself on the back cover, it says that it teaches "couples how to embrace their separate selves as a profound vehicle for strengthening a marriage. A great marriage is a self-centered marriage because it's a bond between two whole, centered people. Calmly focusing on your own behavior, choices, and moods (which you can control) rather than your spouse's (which you cannot) is the first step toward creating the relationship you really want."

This book is great for a couple like Anna and me. We have been extremely co-dependent upon each other for pretty much our entire relationship. I pretty much lost my individual identity when we started dating. It's no wonder that I had such a bad identity crisis as I sought to reconcile and accept my homosexuality. I believe that this book will help me as I strive to establish my own unique identity as a gay man and will help Anna establish her own independence as she accepts the reality of our situation. I'm very hopeful as you can see.

Allow me to share with you a huge marriage myth that this book blows out of the water:

Spouses are supposed to meet each other's emotional needs.

Back the truck up. That's a myth? I've been whining and bitching for months about how impossible it is for me as a gay man to have my emotional needs met by Anna and vice versa, and here you tell me that even in straight marriages that's not supposed to happen? Wow. Here's a few nuggets of awesomeness from the book:

"The truth is that you and your spouse do not need each other. What marriages need most are spouses who do not need each other."

"If our job is to meet one another's needs, then we automatically set up a quid-pro-quo relationship that is only as strong as the mutual cooperation of each partner. There's no reliance on personal integrity here, the idea that my behavior is driven by my highest principles, not by whether or not I believe my spouse is working hard enough to meet my needs. In this faulty model, there's only reliance on what you've done for me lately."

"The worst part of this needs-meeting model...is that by concentrating so much on our needs, we end up creating two very needy people. We end up with two whiny, immature people needing each other, always with the mind-set that if i don't get mine, then you won't get yours, and on and on. And when's the last time you respected an emotionally needy person? Never, that's when."

"The self-centered ScreamFree model of relationships is based on each individual taking full responsibility for his/her own emotional needs. That way spouses can freely want each other."

"It is not your spouse's job to validate you, to make you feel secure enough, sexy enough, respected enough, or loved enough for you to return the favor. It is not your spouse's job to meet these "needs" any more than it's your spouse's job to take care of your physical body.  Getting the validation you seek is your responsibility, and true validation is not something you seek from another; it derives from a strength of character within that allows you to serve another...without needing them to serve you in return."

Perhaps this seems very elementary to you, but for me this concept is huge. I am responsible for making sure my own emotional needs are met. Anna is responsible for her needs. It is ridiculous to think that we could ever meet each other's needs entirely. I need to be an adult and make sure that I get my needs met through other people outside my marriage in appropriate ways, and not in needy, clingy ways.

One thing I tend to do is emotionally shut down. That happened this week. My wife was crying her eyes out next to me and my best friend was bawling in another room. And what was I feeling? Absolutely nothing. I realized that I emotionally disengage at times to protect myself from being hurt. It's not healthy, and it's up to me to find ways to effectively deal with my emotions so that I don't turn into a zombie. It's not my wife's fault that I'm withdrawn and distant, and it's not my friend's responsibility to make me better. It's up to me. Not that I shouldn't allow people into my life that help build me up, I just need to own and be in control of my own emotional needs.

My marriage needs to be redefined and adjusted. With my homosexuality there isn't much that's keeping us together for physical and emotional reasons. Add in my shaky testimony in which I'm questioning many of the doctrines of the gospel and you can see that there isn't much spiritual motivation for me to stay married either. However, the well-being of Anna and my kids and the fact that I could easily be just as miserable in a same-sex relationship are what is keeping me in my marriage right now. Consequently I have to establish my marriage on the basis of strengthening my own character, integrity, and identity and allowing Anna to do the same if we really want to make this work.

There's much more that I've learned that I want to share but I don't have time to even attempt to explain it all. I'll end with one more golden nugget:

He explains that in your wedding vows, "you said 'I do,' not 'we do.' You said 'I do,' not 'as long as you do, I do.' You said 'I do,' for life. and that 'I do' is what gets you through times when you don't feel like it, when your spouse isn't sharing the same spirit, when you're tempted to run because your needs don't feel met. The 'I do' spirit is exactly what will lead you to grow as a spouse, and grow closer to your spouse, without waiting for him/her to make a reciprocal move. And that's why this book is called The Self-Centered Marriage. The first word you said in marriage was 'I,' and that is the word that will lead you to the type of passionate, lasting connection we all crave."

No Fairy Tale

Derek-
I like happy endings. In telling my story on this blog if there are ever really depressing posts like I had last week I often feel the need to balance them out somehow with good news or some kind of resolution to my troubles. And I'm sure with all the drama that went down last week many of you may be eager to see what plays out for Anna and me. Without trying to turn my life into a daytime TV show, I'll explain the rest of our story.

After our big fight and brief time apart to cool down, we both gained more clarity of thought about our situation. When Anna came home the next day we both felt that no matter the outcome, we would both be ok. We don't have all the answers to all the fears, trials, and emotions we're facing, but we have been able to calmly talk through things. Having great friends who are understanding and willing to listen has also been incredibly helpful as I've tried to process everything.

 

We're taking things a bit at a time. For President's day we were able to get away together for a short vacation without the kids. We went to Sun Valley, ID and spent the day ice skating, shopping, eating, and perusing books in bookstores. We had a fun time, and it was great to have a chance to get ourselves away from the stresses of life and focus on each other for a bit. It really helped us a lot. It reminded us why we ever decided to get married in the first place. It reminded me that I really do love Anna and helped me see that I really do want her as a part of my life. We were able to sort out what issues of our marriage are due to me being gay and what other issues are just common to many straight marriages. If we're really going to work this out we have to make improvement in areas that we can change. So instead of focusing on the gay we're going to try to address other problems. Because the gayness is not going away. Like ever.

I'm not saying that its a fairy tale ending and we're all good now. Far from it. We will likely struggle like this over and over again. Living like this can be very emotionally draining at times, but for now it still seems worth it to stay together. 

I had some thoughts while we were ice skating that I'd like to share. We were joined on the rink that day with two other families. But these were no ordinary families. They were Mormon polygamists (FLDS). There were scads of energetic kids all over the place, a large handful of women in long denim skirts, and only two men. I half expected a reality TV show crew to be set up getting footage of it all. I was certainly surprised to see such a group doing a family outing like this, but it made me glad to know that even they can enjoy such "normal" activities as day trips to Sun Valley and ice skating.

I thought about what it might be like to be in the husband's shoes. I certainly do NOT envy him! I have a hard enough time being married to one woman and meeting her emotional needs. I cannot imagine the pressures he faces as he tries to balance work, children, and several wives. Although I disagree with the practice of polygamy for several reasons, I have to respect him and his wives for being so dedicated to a way of life because of their spiritual convictions. Their marriage situation certainly seems less than ideal and non-traditional, but it doesn't mean it's not right for them.

 As Anna and I have tried to make things work for us, I've started to see how "non-traditional" a mixed orientation marriage is. While we certainly have the very same difficulties that all couples face, there are other issues and concerns that are quite unique to us. I'm realizing that I can't make my marriage work by following the rules and expectations set forth for straight relationships, but that there are other adaptations that must be made. Perhaps for some people are just not meant to live the ideal traditional life with a wife, kids, a picket fence and a dog. Some of us are intended to live life a little differently, and that is a good thing. As much as I have tried to force myself into that perfect mold, I just can't make it work. And if Anna and I can't make our less-than-traditional marriage work, we all know that the kind of relationship I would have after that would not be remotely traditional. But traditional marriage is not a guarantee for happiness, as I have perceived in the past.

It's taking me several days to finish this post, so I'm sorry if my thoughts seem disjointed. The above graphic illustrates my emotions that I've experienced as I've felt my traditional life slip away. I made that poster for a class assignment around the same time that I started this blog. In class we were asked to take an excerpt from Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities and find a way using the design process to graphically represent the feelings that the literature evoked. I feel that it best communicates my emotions that I felt then and continue to feel as the values and ideals I once established my perfect, traditional life on have rocked and slipped from beneath me. I feel my world crashing around me, and I don't know if I should buckle down and reinforce what I've worked so hard to build or accept what's happening and allow it to fall so that I can rebuild using a stronger foundation.

 I feel so torn lately. I love my wife. Ever since I started being honest with her and myself as to who I am and what I want out of life I've found myself questioning if it is worth it to continue on the path I have chosen. My mind wants to just fully commit to Anna but my heart won't cooperate. Surely we can have a happy life together with our kids. Surely we can find ways to be fulfilled and at peace in our marriage. Surely we can strengthen our intimacy and trust.

 But then I ask myself: can I really continue to fight who I am for the rest of my life? Can I really give my all to my wife and meet the needs that she so badly deserves? I feel like I ask these same questions over and over. It's as if my mind has become so fixated on these issues that I have become obsessed with finding the solution. Is there no right answer? I'm not so prideful as to think that my position as her husband can't be replaced. I'm sure there are many men out there who could meet her needs much better than I can. I could even live with being replaced if it meant seeing Anna happy and secure. But the position I can't bear to have replaced is that of the father to my kids. I know that the ending of my marriage wouldn't change the fact that I am my boys' father, and I would always be able to continue my relationship with them. However, the role I have right now would change. I wouldn't always be able to physically be there as I am now. I wouldn't be able to parent them with the same kind of harmony with their mother that I'd be able to have if we were still together.

 As I was stewing over these concerns with a good friend of mine, he said something that really made me think. He said that basically what much of my decision comes down to is what kind of lesson I want to teach my kids. I can teach them that sacrifice and commitment to marriage and the gospel brings forth blessings. On the other hand, I can teach them that life and love is about authenticity and complete honesty with yourself and others. I can teach them that this life is about coming to know God by accepting who he made us to be and knowing what our individual purpose in life is.

 Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I can teach them both important lessons. It seems that the first lesson is a one-size-fits-all plan for happiness. The other lesson is much more personal and individualistic. What are your thoughts on this? One thing I know is that either path will be hard. Either choice will have it's share of trials and heartache. My story is definitely not a fairy tale with a picture perfect ending.  

Alone

Derek-
One week. That's all it took for certain events to take place that would send my world crashing down. Or at least it seems like it.

Allow me to provide some background. Very early in my marriage as I was struggling with my attraction to men I went through some very dark times. At least they seemed that way then. Now in comparison to what I've gone through these past 6 months they don't seem too terrible after all. I had been feeling very alone and misunderstood and was so confused about these feelings I was having. I craved understanding from people who were also gay. I found my way onto a gay social media website. Through that site, I made friends with "Jed." He's 5 years older than me, had stopped going to church, and had already been in a few gay relationships. There was nothing inappropriate about our friendship; he was just a guy who was kind enough to befriend a very confused and scared newly married gay man. We never met in person, nor did we talk on the phone. We just IM'ed each other a few times a week, and his friendship helped me. I found myself struggling less with porn and feeling slightly better about my situation. However, the thing I did wrong was not tell my wife about this. When she caught me messaging a stranger online who is also gay, she asked me to end the friendship. So I did.

Six months later I found myself chatting to him again. Again I hid it from my wife out of fear of hurting or confronting her. When she caught me messaging Jed again she was very hurt, and again I ended the friendship. I became determined to shut him out of my life as well as any men I was at risk of being attracted to. After this I went through a very long and lonely period in which I hardly had any friends. I did a poor job of keeping in touch with my former roommates, mission friends, and high school buddies. I emotionally disengaged so much that I struggled to connect with others, even with my family.

Then I went through this whole crisis with my faith and marriage that this blog talks all about. Things changed a lot, and as I became more open with Anna, she finally came to greater acceptance of me and our situation. Things got better. I gained support and emotional bonds with other men through this blog. I gained an incredible best friend. My struggles with porn seemed like a thing of the past because I finally was having emotional needs met.

Earlier this month I checked my old email address that I hadn't used in over a year nor checked in several months. I found an email that Jed had sent me that very day. He said he woke up that day thinking about me and wanted to see how my family and I were doing. We began exchanging emails and texts. As it turns out, he had recently moved to Cache Valley. We decided we should hang out sometime.

A week ago I met him at the gym to work out together. We had a good time catching up on everything that had gone on in our lives the past two and a half years. It was very casual, and I told my wife about it. She told me she trusted me. On Saturday we hung out again. We studied together on campus and watched a TV show. I knew I was very attracted to him, but I trusted that everything would be fine. We texted each other a lot, and on Monday evening he met me on campus to study together again. That night it became very clear that we both had strong feelings for each other. We both decided that to continue the friendship at the rate it was developing would create something that would be very difficult to pull the brakes on any further down the road. It was not an easy thing to accept, but he respects my marriage, and we both knew it was for the best.

Over the weekend Anna had noticed a change about me. On Monday and Tuesday I had gotten very quiet and withdrawn like I usually do when something is wrong. I knew she could tell, so I decided to be open and honest with her about Jed. Last night I confessed to her that I had allowed myself to develop feelings for him. I explained that we had ended things, but she was extremely hurt nonetheless. Through tears she said it would be best for us to get a divorce. This topic has been brought up so many times in our marriage and especially during the past six months, however, for the first time I found myself not fighting her on it. I don’t know if divorce is the right thing for us to do, but I’ve really lost hope that this will work out. I feel like I’ve tried so many things to have our needs met in our marriage, but each time I have failed. The fact that I’ve allowed myself to develop feelings for a guy that reciprocates them feels like the greatest of my failures. It totally hit my wife at her deepest anxieties and crushed her. I feel like the doom that has been looming over my marriage from the beginning has only gotten larger and darker.

Anna reached a breaking point. Up until this point she has told no one close to her about me or our marriage troubles. She finally decided to call my brother’s wife, whom she is very close to. I put my 2-year old to bed and sobbed heavily as I rocked him. I could hear Anna’s sobs in the other room as I called my best friend, looking for some comfort. When I had told him previously about Jed, I was very surprised by his reaction, which made me feel like he didn’t trust me. Because of that, I lied to him about any further interactions with Jed. When I called him last night and told him everything that had just taken place, and confessed of my lie he became very hurt and hung up on me.

I spent a horribly lonely and rough night on the recliner. I’ve been in a haze all day, holding back tears and feeling full of guilt and regret. Tonight my home is quiet. My oldest boy is asleep, and Anna and the baby have left town. I’m listening to my Kris Allen album on repeat, fighting back tears and aching all over. I feel so alone. My actions have hurt my wife and my best friend. Because of all this I may end up divorced. I may end up being separated from my beloved boys.

I hope the time apart from each other gives Anna and me a chance to sort things through. I don’t know what will happen next but I’m so scared. Why didn’t I lock my heart when I got married? Why have I allowed my attractions to develop into something with the potential to be very damaging to my family? I feel so stupid and angry at myself. I wish I knew how to resolve all this. I have no answers.

Kris Allen keeps singing in my headphones.

Life's been blinding me 

From what I thought I'd see 

Is there clarity in this insanity? (yeah)  

Whats she want from me? (yeah)
 

Roads in front of me 

Taking me astray  

Are you leaving me? 

Or are you leading the way?  

Can you hear what I'm sayin'?

 
I need to know...   

I need to know... 

I need to know...  

I need to know...

 
Feel like I'm tryin' to breathe under water 

Tryin' to climb but I keep fallin farther (yeah)  

Will you take my hand?

 
Feels so far away 

Want to see your face  

Are you even there? 

Can you show me?! 

Can you make me believe?!

 
I need to know... 

I need to know... 

I need to know... 

I need to know...
I need to know...  

I need to know...

Driving Off the Frustration

www.visualphotos.com

Derek-
This blog has been stagnant for a few weeks now. I've been busy with school and a huge group project that has sapped my time and sleep. I've also been hemming and hawing over not having anything grand or inspirational to say here. Then it occurred to me that I shouldn't take myself so seriously and just post something. This is a personal blog after all, not a Deseret Book bestseller. 

Anyway, as I read through some of our recent posts I see so much progress and improvement for my marriage. Both Anna and I have grown and learned much during the past few months. It certainly has been full of growing pains, but I can see that we are in a much better place now. However, there are always hiccups.We had a bit of a rough weekend. I was doing that thing that I do when I get stressed which is retreat to my own little world and shut out others, especially my wife. She was getting stressed and emotional from seeing me very little and having to deal with a crazy toddler who can make messes faster than a wild boar in a grocery store. Neither of us were the most pleasant human beings to be around to begin with, but then throw in the lack of sleep and the hightened emotions and anxiety that arises when it gets late and you have a recipie for marital ruckus. Also factor in the fact that as a gay man I tend to be more sensitive than the average husband and having two overly sensitive people under one roof can spell disaster. So days of quiet resentment turned into a verbal confrontation which resulted in me getting frustrated and quiet as Anna agonized over our future. Here's a bit of dialogue that followed in the wee hours of the night as we lay in bed:

A: I'm so upset right now...how is this ever going to work...I'm going to be alone and miserable the rest of my life...I'm so worked up right now I'll never be able to sleep!
D: It's hard to sleep right now because your mouth won't stop talking!!
A: You're so mean and insensitive!

Ok, so I'm not the most sensitive husband. But this little scenario might sound familiar to those who are married/partnered. I disagree with whoever said that couples shouldn't go to sleep angry because the later you stay up attempting to resolve a fight the more irrational and emotional you get. Sleep tends to resolve fights fairly effectively.  Except this one.

Anna woke up that morning and announced that she wasn't going to church, and that she expected me to take both the boys with me. I scoffed and told her I'd take the boys for the day but we wouldn't be going to church. In a moment of spontaneity, I packed the diaper bag, made some pb&j's, and loaded my oldest boy in our car and took off. I told Anna I was going to Idaho. I ended up driving all the way to Rexburg. I was upset and frustrated, and just needed a shoulder to cry on, so I showed up at the door of my best friend's apartment. 

Thank God for wonderful friends. Without me having to explain much, he understood what I was going through. He assured me that all would be ok, and that my marriage was not ending. He gave me a priesthood blessing, played with my son, boosted my battered spirit, and sent me back home to my wife a much happier person with a resolve to work things out.

And work things out we did. Having a bit of time apart allowed us a chance to ponder on important things and really assess what we valued. Anna really appreciated having a quiet home for the day without our toddler on a rampage. We greeted each other at the door when I got home with a smile and a kiss. I'd say we had a much more productive day than if I had stayed at home and we both stewed over the prior night's arguments. 

I truly love and respect Anna. She has such a strong resolve to make this work. Her faith and perspective amaze me at times. It's easy to get frustrated. It's easy to think that we'd both be better off with someone else. It's easy to give in to fears and speculations. It's easy to look at the rubble of failed mixed-orientation marriages and assume that ours will eventually end up on the pile. It's easy to think that it's not worth the effort we're putting into this. 

Yet we keep going.

We keep going because we hope something better will come out of it. We keep going because any other path doesn't seem right. We keep going because we can't imagine life without each other. I would seriously starve to death if I didn't have Anna. And if I had to take care of my kids by myself I'd end up in a mental institution. And Anna needs me to help her pick the decor for the home. And if she didn't have me she would never travel anywhere because she hates driving for more than twenty minutes. 

Anyway, on a completely different note, I'm trying to do what I can to help others on their gay Mormon journey. Uncarved Block and I have been talking, and we think that having a place for LGBT/SSA individuals to discuss issues in an LDS context would be really helpful at our university. BYU and BYU-ID both have a USGA, and we'd like to start a support group that is patterned after that. USU really needs something like that. So if you happen to live in Cache Valley or attend USU and are interested in such a group, please contact me. (there's a lot of acronyms in that paragraph!)

To those of you that read this, I hope you're all doing well on your own journey. I'd love it if you left me a brief update.

Shifting our Expectations

Anna -
So if I were sensible I would be sleeping right now.  Both my boys and Derek are zonked out, but instead of sleeping I chose to catch up on things I can't get done during the day.  While I feel productive right now, I know when morning comes I will be kicking myself!  Anyways, I have had some thoughts flooding through my mind today that I wanted to discuss.

First, I am new to this whole blogging thing so forgive me if I sound disjointed.  As I've read posts from many gay Mormon bloggers my heart has truly been touched by their stories.  Some I have read have chosen to stay active in the church with the hope that they will either marry in this life or the next.  This is truly inspiring to me.  Others have chosen a different path, which is to leave the church to live a life they feel is more authentic and will bring them greater fulfillment in this life.  I see this as a very courageous choice as well. Both sides have caused me to think a great deal.  By reading these stories I have felt love, compassion and mercy towards those who have these attractions, including my husband.  I have not walked in these shoes, but I walk beside them.  I see what Derek goes through and the way he tries to reconcile his own authenticity while staying true to his beliefs and our marriage and it is a tough challenge!  I guess what I want to say is to all of you that face this same predicament, you inspire me.  I've always been a believer that whatever challenge is presented to us, we can learn and grow from it.  I know that this is true for some of you who may read this that are struggling right now.  What I've learned is that life will never meet our expectations of how we think things should go.  The real challenge is to find joy in the here and now.  I think this is something I will struggle with the rest of my life-being happy TODAY regardless of what my circumstances may be.  I found a quote by President Hinckley that I feel sums it up quite well:

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.  The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise... the trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

This goes along with the "I'll be happy when ..." cycle.  I feel that most of my life I've played that game.  First it was "I'll be happy when I go to college".  Then it was "I love college but I'll be truly happy when I get married."  After that came, "Well marriage is good but when we have kids, that's when things will really be great."  Looking back, all of these times in my life have been good and there is no magic moment when I will truly feel fulfilled.  We tend to look at these types of situations that we haven't experienced yet or yearn for with rose-colored glasses.  When in reality, life is not that way.

I have done this with my marriage.  After realizing that my husband didn't meet the high expectations I thought all husbands should meet and that I was married to a gay man, I kind of mourned the loss of the marriage I thought I would have.  I focused on the things that were missing instead of all the great things I did have.  Because I'm human, I still do this sometimes.  I think though that I have learned a little more to look at my marriage, and my life, with a more realistic approach.  Life is hard, bad things happen, the days drone on, glamorous and exciting things don't happen all of the time.  However, life is also great, wonderful things do happen, the years fly by, and there are special moments that I treasure.  I have learned to find immense joy in seeing my little newborn baby look into my eyes and smile.  I get excited when my 2 year old says a new word or gives me a kiss.  I treasure the times that Derek and I can just lay and bed and talk about our day, or the funny things the kids did.  That is what life's all about.

So to you who may be reading that are feeling robbed, discouraged, or that you're life is not turning out how you planned I want to say something that someone once told me.  When I was in some of my hardest times, someone told me, "Anna, I know that it's hard to see this right now, but what if it's possible that your life could turn out so much better than you imagine it will?"  This made me think.  At that time, I had a doomsday view of how my life was going to go.  This included loneliness, sadness and just trying to get by.  As I thought about what this person told me I started to think about that being a reality.  Maybe my life will turn out better than I thought?  Maybe one day I will look back on all of these hard things and see how much I've learned?  Maybe I can be truly happy?  I believe happiness is possible for everyone.  Some days it may not feel like it, we may feel that our unmet needs outweigh our blessings.  This is normal.  What I've learned is that everything is a phase in life.  We go through a hard time-it's a phase.  That doesn't mean there won't be more hard times, but they will always pass and joy will come. I have learned to try to take life one day at a time, that is really all we can do.  The great thing about life is that all of the imperfections and hard times make the great ones that much more worth it.

 

Walking in Her Shoes

Derek -
I'm breaking from the norm here by inviting a very special person to write the post today...my wife! She's recently taken interest in the Moho blogging community, and we both feel that she has a lot she can add here. This way we can explore together what it means to have a Mormon mixed orientation marriage. I hope you appreciate her perspective. I'm sure you'll all see why I married her, and why I choose to stay married. We'll call her Anna. If you want to contact her directly feel free to email her.

Anna -
I'm glad that Derek asked me to write a little bit about my perspective on this blog.  As of late I've come to realize there's this whole gay Mormon community that I never knew even existed!  I've enjoyed reading people's experiences through blogging, books and video clips.  I've definitely gained a great deal of understanding and perspective concerning same-sex attraction.  So I want to add a little bit of my voice to this subject matter.  First off, I'll give you a little bit of background about my situation.  I grew up in a home where my Dad wasn't active and my Mom was always the one to take us to church.  She passed away during my teenage years and our family went through a really rough time.  I always longed for the days when I could be married and have more control of my situation.  My siblings and I went to church by ourselves and continued building our testimonies.  After graduating high school, I attended BYU where I met Derek in my junior year.  I was immediately attracted to him and we started dating pretty quickly.  We dated for about 4 months, got engaged and then were married 4 months later.  You could say we were on the BYU fast track.  I truly thought my life was set and after going through so much I had started a new little family with someone who would never let me down.  Looking back now, I realize my expectations for marriage were totally unrealistic!

Shortly after we got married, Derek broke down and told me that he had a problem with pornography.  I was completely devastated.  This broke the mold of the perfect life I thought was ahead of me.  I immediately had questions like "What's wrong with me?" or "I must not be pretty enough."  I went through a range of emotions from anger, to resentment, to complete sadness.  Shortly after that, I saw a message on facebook that some guy had sent to Derek.  It seemed a little fishy to me (nothing inappropriate, just not something a straight guy would say).  I think that's when I started to question if Derek was gay.  I confronted him about it and he told me that he's attracted to men.  Finding all this out right after recently being married just about rocked my world.  This guy I thought I knew was totally different than I imagined.  We started going to counseling, visiting bishops to get spiritual help, and did what we knew how to cope with this.  Looking back now, I realize that we were quite young and our knowledge was so limited.  A couple of years went by where we acknowledged the problem and there would be hurtful times but we never fully dealt with it.  So I guess this starts our journey together with same sex attraction. 

Over the past 6 months Derek has really started to address his attractions and what it means for him to be gay.  He clued me in on this about last September, when he really started to try and figure out who he is and what he really wants out of life.  I was very nervous about what his realizations meant for our family and his activity in the church.  We've had some really tough conversations and have done a ton of talking over the past couple of months.  Truthfully, there have been times for both of us when we've thought "How in the world is this ever going to work?".  During those times, I would think about my children.  They both mean the world to me, and I want to do everything I can so that they can be raised my their mom and dad and see a healthy, loving relationship.  But what about my own happiness?  I need to want this for me and not just for them, right?  There was a point where I felt so down that I just told Derek that he could leave and live a lifestyle that seems to be more true to himself.  His response to me was  "I'm not going anywhere." Through all of this, I always knew that I loved him.  That never changed.

So here we are today.  Some people would probably say we're crazy.  Some people would probably say to get out now before you invest more in the relationship.  However, I don't see it that way.  What I've come to know is that I'm married to my best friend and that our marriage is real.  It's not a fairy tale, but whose is?  Yes, we struggle and have bad days.  But we also have some really great days.  The pluses outweigh the minuses.  We've learned that we can't look at our marriage as a stereotypical marriage because it's not.  We have learned to communicate and be much more honest about things.  (FYI:  I would advise anyone in this situation to have full disclosure of everything before getting married.)  We still have a lot to learn and a long ways to go but we're trying.  I find that it's really gratifying to work so hard for something you believe so strongly in.  It has only brought us closer together.  And amidst the hard things, I can step back and see what a beautiful life I have.  I have a husband who loves me and is willing to stick with me through the hard times, two beautiful, truly amazing children, and a loving Heavenly Father who has allowed me to take this journey and become a little better because of it.

I'll end here for tonight, I have a baby that needs me.  In future blog posts, I would like to talk further in depth about certain things I mentioned here and other thoughts I have on the subject matter.