Some Realizations

As mentioned earlier, these past few months I've experienced a lot of change. This journey started at the time I began this blog. I had hit a new low. My depression was intense and I was so full of guilt and shame. I felt like a terrible husband, father, and Mormon. When my family and I came back to Utah so that I could finish school, I decided that it was the best time to start seeing a counselor again. I had seen one a few years ago after I came out to my wife. It was helpful in getting me through that difficult time, however, I still hated my homosexuality and thought of it more as a disease I had rather than something that is inherently a part of me. It got too painful for me to discuss it regularly, both with my counselor and my wife.  So I stopped therapy and pushed aside any chance to resolve a lot of issues I was dealing with. It was over two years later that all this came to a boiling point, and I had to reach out for help.

I got put with an incredible counselor at school who has helped me make a lot of great progress. Along the way I discovered the online gay Mormon community, as well as the wonderful world of Mormon stories. Knowledge and a healthy dose of self-affirmation have done so much for me. Here's a few things I've come to realize as of late:

Being gay does not mean there is anything wrong with me. It does not make me less worthy in the eyes of God. He made me this way, and there is no shame in it. God loves me as I am, and I will continue to work towards embracing every part of me.

I had no control over the Mormon belief system and conservative culture that I was born into. It's the culture that makes me feel such self-loathing for who I am. I've been taught by my religion that homosexuality, porn, masturbation, etc. are all abominations. I've been around this stigma my entire life. I have allowed this belief to completely erode my confidence and spirituality. I do not have to continue this way. 

While I love the LDS church and most everything it stands for, I cannot agree with its stance and approach to homosexuality. It sends a clear message of exclusion and hate to homosexuals. It creates a culture of homophobia that lacks the love and understanding that must be a part of Christ's church. It leaves them with the option of either repressing or leaving. The high number of gay Mormon suicides is a testament to the fact that the church's approach toward homosexuality does not work.

I am in need of the support of a community. I have felt so alone in this for so long. Learning of others who struggle just as I do has been very enlightening.

I'll continue to work on my marriage. Although I feel like both of us would be much happier in a relationship with someone else, now is not the time for any rash action, especially with kids in the mix. I'm going to stay committed to my wife and give our marriage the honest effort that it needs, while finding healthy ways to address my attraction to men. I'd appreciate any input, encouragement, or advice from those who face or have faced a similar situation to mine.

I feel that I'm making progress. It's easy to get impatient and frustrated. But what I need to do now is allow myself time to process and to allow my wife the same. It's tempting to go back to trying to repress and forget about this part of me, but I've realized that to do so would only postpone development. So it's onward and forward, one day at a time.

Changes

It has been a few months since I started this blog. Already I am in a different place now than I was when I started. Here's a few things that have occurred:

I moved back to Utah.
I started school again.
I started another job.
I started therapy again.
I started seeing myself in a whole new light.

As I read my first two posts I began to realize how much self-loathing and guilt I have bottled up inside me. I saw how my actions in life were doing nothing but feeding that guilt and shame. I resolved to shake myself free from the duality that my life had become. I could not live a life of lies and facades. So I have begun the process of openness and honesty. Honesty to my wife, honesty to God, and honesty to myself. I still have a long way to go in this process, but I'm getting there. I've already felt the reassurance of the Spirit that I'm on the right track. For once in a long time I felt loved by God. I'm realizing that I'm not a terrible person unworthy of anyone's love, just someone very lost and confused. But I'm finding my way. At this point I don't know what direction my life will go, but I have hope that eventually there will be peace and acceptance.