Why I Got Married

Probably one of the biggest questions one might ask when finding out that I'm gay, Mormon, and married is this: If you're gay, why did you get married? Or similarly they may ask: if you're married, how can you be gay? So I feel it necessary to address those items before I move forward with my blog. I'll try to be concise as I can:

For Mormons, family is hugely important. I grew up in a very close-knit family. We're all still very close today. Mormonism's core beliefs are centered on the family and their eternal nature. And so all growing up I knew that I would always hold to the same family-oriented values my parents lived by. I knew I would serve a full-time mission and upon returning I would find a woman to marry in the temple and soon thereafter have kids of our own. Never in my youth did I consider anything but this.

It's not that I didn't know I was gay. I knew. I've known since I was 12. Was I in denial about it? Most definitely. I tried to ignore the fact that I found guys attractive and tried to find a replacement for that attraction in girls. So I dated girls in high school and my freshman year of college. I even wrote a special girlfriend through most of my mission. Perhaps I'm just bi enough to consider some girls attractive. I think for a lot of people as long as the human body is getting the right kind of stimulus, it's going to respond, whether it's coming from a man or woman.

However, I think when it comes to sexuality that is a different thing. It's as if there are different levels of attraction. Since I never had sex before I was married, the sexual experiences of my youth consisted of pornography, masturbation, and my own fantasies. And I can tell you this: 99.9% of the porn I watched was of men, and probably at least 90% of my boyhood fantasies were of men also.

So when it comes to sexuality, I'd confidently say that I'm very gay. (although I was not always so confident in that conclusion) However, being gay terrified me, and frankly it still does. It never fit into mine or my parent's plans for my future and it fits nowhere in the Mormon Eternal scheme of things.

So what did I do about my gay problem? I kept it all inside. I didn't tell a soul. Not a parent, not a bishop, not a friend, no one. I felt that if I ignored it enough, it would go away like a bad nightmare. I was taught that if you live the gospel and keep the commandments, then things will work out for your good. So I served a mission. It was incredible and I loved being a missionary more than anything else I've done in my life.  When I got back it didn't take long before I slipped back into exploring my sexuality through porn. The addiction came back as something fierce. So what did I do? I tried to run from it. I ran to BYU and caught the express train to marriage.

Shortly after going to BYU I met my wife. She was a lot of fun, and I loved being around her. Her outgoing personality really complimented my shy and reserved self. She was the first person to ever really make me feel like a man, and I loved it. And she is beautiful. I found myself being attracted to her in a way I never had with any woman before. On the surface it seemed there was nothing else to do but charge full steam ahead. We had a relatively short courtship and engagement.

However, during all this time I never could stop looking at gay pornography. I even started going to gay chatrooms. Why couldn't I stop myself? Why didn't I get help? Why didn't I tell anyone? Why didn't I at least tell my fiancee who I loved dearly? I don't know. I suppose that it's all rooted in fear. I was afraid to lose her. I was afraid that the truth would hurt her and me. I knew she'd leave me if she found out. I felt I'd be in poor standing in the church if I confessed to my leaders. So I lied. I covered it all up as if it wasn't going on.

And I continued to run from my homosexuality. I really felt that it was something that would end. I felt that marriage could be my cure. That once I was able to be openly sexual with someone I would have my sexual needs met, and I wouldn't need pornography or masturbation or chatrooms. I realize that this kind of thinking is completely messed up, but I actually believed this.

We got married in the temple. Despite my feelings of unworthiness, I felt happy. Although there were moments over overwhelming anxiety during my honeymoon I also felt an incredible amount of relief. I honestly thought that my days of being attracted to men were over and my problem was solved.

Boy was I young and stupid. We had been married less than a few weeks when I returned to my prior habits. I fell into immense depression. The reality of my attraction to men hit me like a semi truck. It was then that I finally came to the realization that I would be attracted to men the rest of my life and nothing was going to change that. No amount of faith or heterosexual actions would turn me completely straight.

The Beginning

I need to establish a few things about myself. I'm married to a woman who is more than amazing. I'm an active Mormon.  I'm 25, have one kid with another on the way. I'm also gay. I write that like its a completely normal way to introduce oneself. I have a tendency to understate things, so let me try that again.

I AM GAY. I AM MARRIED. I AM MORMON.

This is the part where the cast of Sesame Street comes in singing, "One of these things is not like the other..."

I know it's weird, but at least I know I'm not the only one in this situation. It seems that gay mormon married men are coming out of the woodwork recently, the most recent being Josh Weed, who got a ton of publicity when he came out on his blog after 10 years of blissful marriage. It's his experience that actually got me thinking about starting a blog of my own. He wrote about feeling such a sense of relief after coming out because he no longer had to hide anything and he could truly be himself. While I definitely would love to feel the same way, I don't see that being accomplished with this blog. Instead this will be a form of therapy for me, a much needed outlet.

I live with a lot of guilt. I also worry that I've lived life too passively, just letting things happen rather than taking a step back and really assessing things. It is my hope that this will help me do some soul-searching and self-analysis. When I first considered starting this blog, my wife and I were doing our nightly reading together in The Book of Mormon. We were reading Mormon's writings about the wickedness of the Nephites as their civilization was quickly ripening for destruction.  Mormon 5:8 states that "all things which are hid must be revealed upon the house-tops." That is a rather chilling thought. We all have things we keep to ourselves. Some things are kept inside due to embarrassment or pride, or because we feel that others may see us differently if they knew about it. I envy those who can push their past behind them, forget about the skeleton in the closet, and move on.

I however, continue to feed the monster locked in my closet and live in fear that one day it will break free and tear the house down.

I have much to hide. I keep a great deal to myself such that I feel that no one truly knows the real me. And so just to think that all my scary hidden secrets could one day be revealed upon the housetops sends my pulse racing. What horror and shame. At this point I can't imagine anyone standing by me as those awful things about me are shared. It seems my family and loved ones have always had high expectations of me, and I've given them good reason to. On the outside I've done most everything right. I'm a returned missionary. I've held several callings in the church and served as a temple worker. I'm sealed to a incredible woman and we have happy, beautiful kid(s).  I'm a hard worker and people respect me. I'm sure it would come as a shock to those closest to me to find out that my life was a charade all along, and that I have a secret double life hidden away.

There is so much pent up inside me that I need a release. This blog is the avenue that I will use to achieve that. I'm certainly not ready for all my secrets to be revealed upon the housetops, so I use the virtuality and anonymity of the internet to share my housetop confessional.

I hope there will be understanding. I hope I sort things out. I hope that it all goes well.